-1
He watched the silver streams of smoke escape his lips and disappear into the murky darkness
"You're a wack-job a nutcase a freaking lunatic! Just leave me alone!"
Remus' voice echoed restlessly in his skull, was this real? Or was his mind playing tricks on him again, he couldn't be sure. Nothing made sense anymore. Now Remus had gone. Sweeping the hair back from his grey eyes he waited for them to adjust to his surroundings. He sighed heavily as he rolled over to his side, drawing his knees up to his chin, he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to fight back the tears. It was no use. Sirius was alone again. As per usual. He had to go and mess things up by forcing Remus to do something he didn't want to. Forcing him to make love, well Remus saw it as merciless sex rough and animalistic just like Sirius. So Remus ran, ran for his life. Away from Sirius. Something's getting in the way of his happiness Sirius couldn't recall what he had done wrong. He was just being Sirius but Remus obviously didn't like that. He had to change in order to be happy. To smile again he'd have to change, not be the sexed crazed dog that he was famous for. But to be a gentle kind lover like he needed to be. That Remus needed him to be.
His deep brown eyes flicked open, his vision hazy from the long nights sleep which he had needed for months. Remus was living alone now. A squatter, his job had gone to the dogs now thanks to the whole were-wolf incident. Sirius would be waking up now, having his first of sixty cigarettes of the day. Remus choked back the tears that were swelling in his throat grieving for the loss of his love the loss of his hope. The void in his heart cant be filled by anything else but Sirius but now he's lost the only thing he ever loved. No. he didn't lose him. He ran from him.
"I've failed you again my love."
Tears stang and flowed freely from his ambery orbs, gasping breaths escaped his throat as he fell to his knees clutching at his heart. Screaming his lungs raw Remus collapsed to the floor, his body shaking with agony.
"I want you back…" he whispered
Sirius bit down on a scraggly fingernail and spat it across the room, Remus hated it when he did that. He dragged a brush through his tangled ebony hair with a cigarette hanging lazily from his mouth. Remus used to brush his long hair for him in the mornings, Remus loved pampering Sirius. Sirius loved Remus pampering him. He finished attacking his hair and looked at his pitiful reflection. No longer did he have the sleek shining hair, no longer the radiant glow in his skin, the gleaming eyes had faded to dark dull circles. No emotion. Not now. He was dead inside. Dead just like Remus' love for this pitiful excuse for a man. He slid the pills out of the bottle and cupped them in his hands. Took one last look into the mirror,
" goodbye sanity"
And swallowed.
His mind reeled his eyes rolled back into his skull. Choking, his chest lunged forward, his body flailing in a violent show. He pulled himself slowly up against the dresser drawer. His hands blind searching for something which he didn't know. Glass. A sharp prickly pain shot up his hand. Blood. Spilling from his fingertips. His face hit the floor hard. The slender hand traced a shape onto the floor. Using blood as ink, he wrote. Meaningless scribbles at first but then he closed his eyes hard and coughed slightly. Steadying his wrist he wrote
" I feel so alone, I'm not sure if I'll die here I'm scared.
I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be. I'm sorry for letting you down I'm sorry I couldn't be your hero, or be there when you needed me most.
Instead I was pig headed and thought with my cock.
Just remember that I've always loved you even if you never loved me
Forever yours Remus,
I love you and I'm sorry"
Just one big lie, a perfect illusion, Remus looked to the skies and the direction where he had come.
Should he go back to see Sirius? Go back and apologise? Wailing sirens shot passed him in the direction he was staring. His stomach turned and he ran down the street towards Sirius' apartment.
He hoped he was wrong, he hoped he had just jumped to conclusions. But he kept on reminding himself that Sirius never thought straight when he was panicking and that he wasn't taking his pills. He hoped he was wrong. For once in his life Remus had to make his own choices still running. His calves ached but his heart ached more. Darting down the back ally's he got to Sirius' door before the ambulances.
Knocking madly on the door he screamed.
" Sirius? Sirius??! Open this door for god sake just open this door!"
No answer.
He shuvved his hands into his pockets searching for a key hopefully it was still there. No such luck. He hit the door again in anguish. The sirens went passed Sirius' door, obviously wasn't meant for him. But why no answer? Why Sirius' silence. Maybe he's gone out. Remus looked up to the window. The glare from the television reflected mockingly.
" Sirius! This isn't funny let me in!" Remus screamed.
Still no answer, he had no choice he had to break the door down. He couldn't do it on his own. Remus was much to thin and had no strength what-so-ever. He rammed the door shoulder first and winched as he felt the bone connect with the wood. Again he hit it hard. Remembering that this door was notorious for being weak. If sixteen year old boys could break in surely Remus could. Again he hit the door, it groaned and as if time had slowed, fell like a great tree. Remus scrambled up the stairs screaming Sirius' name. In a frenzied blur he searched through the rooms. Finally to the bedroom.
His heart leapt as he saw the love of his life sprawled out across the floor. Sirius beautiful angelic face smothered in his own vomit, his delicate hands bleeding relentlessly. The heartbeat was dead, the shining silver eyes, dead. The one person who truly made him happy, dead. He lifted his limp torso onto his lap and cried so hard into his chest his fingers getting tangled in his once beautiful hair. He spotted the message written in his lovers blood. Sirius' final words.