Title: Trails of Regret
Author: Azurana K.
Summary: Where one discovers the value of another, when the other is lost… A somewhat tragedy/angst Valentine's Day Fic for our favorite couple.
"I used to be my own protection, But not now
Cause my path has lost direction, Somehow
A black wind took you away, From sight
And held the darkness over day, That night
And the clouds above move closer
looking so dissatisfied
and the ground below grew colder
as they put you down inside
but the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
So now you're gone
And I was wrong
I never knew what it was like
To be alone
On a Valentine's Day…"
- ("Valentine's Day" Linkin Park)-
A tribute to and loosely based from the song "Valentine's Day" By Linkin Park from their new album "Minutes to Midnight".
Author's Note: Hey guys… It's almost a year since the last time I have written something in fanfic. I'm so sorry for not updating my other fics earlier… I hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me.
Anyway, I'll be opening my come back to the fanfic writing world with this loosely based song fic, one-shot.
This is a Valentine's Day gift to all of you readers who are alone this Valentine's, in sympathy, and the completion of Tsu-chan's request. I hope you like it.
I am getting awfully rusty, if you must know, so please bear with me.
Thank you…
Warnings: Character death and angst … (I never go on without them)…
Disclaimer: I don't own GA and "Valentine's Day" by LP… I'm just an ordinary fan girl dreaming for a free chance to meet them…
And I'm here again, all alone. Alone again since that last time, that last chance I had been given to be happy. That last chance I had been given to have a normal, joyful life with someone who cares.
You told me you would wait. And wait, you did. Until that last moment you were able to, maybe even now. Yet I disregarded your feelings, your care and your love. I pushed them all away.
Denied knowing they existed.
Like an imaginary figment of my imagination.
All these years, I knew you were aware. You always were. You were the only one who truly understood, you were the only one I could relate to. But I did not want you to be with me, to help me through my pain and sorrow. Yet even if I denied you of my willing company, you were always there. There to care for me and comfort me, there to understand and love me.
But, ironically, I still grew to you.
I grew fond of your smiles, your laughter and your encouraging words. I thought everything would be just the same through these so many years, I did not even notice the pain you hid inside. I did not notice the hurt your eyes held when I disregarded your thoughtful words.
I always looked up to you. Like a victim would do to their heroes, but in my case, heroine. You cheered everyone up, even when you were also down. You easily forgave other people, and were friendly to everyone around you, even if they hurt you or mistreated you, like what I have been doing to you.
I did not once think that it would happen. I did not once think that it would be possible. No one noticed, not even the smallest thing. But now that I think back, we should have been able to. We had to have been able to.
I could and never will be able to believe that I or anyone else was unable to see the smallest signs. The tiniest hints of the pain you felt. The lack of energy you were supposed to have expressed.
Tchh…And I was supposedly one of the most observant people in the academy…
We all did not notice until it was too late. But I could never believe that you were unable to tell us about it.
Why?
Did you want to suffer alone?
We could've been able to help or care for you.
So why?
… But, what right do I have to say these words? I'm a hypocrite, a big, fucking, lying hypocrite. I'm just like you, in every aspect… We were so alike each other that our masks even meshed like Yin and Yang.
But I don't give damn anymore.
It's my fault you had to experience this all alone.
It's my fault you were not given one more chance to be happy.
It's my fault for not opening up to you.
I know; it's also my mistake why I am feeling this way. Why I am in so much pain, why I am so much deep in regret… It's my entire fault…
I believed that I could stand on my own. I believed that I was the only one I needed, no one else. I fooled myself into thinking that, even if I knew deep down inside that you were my pillar; the light that supported and guided me. The light which brought me hope in my darkest hours… which catches me before I fall into my own dark abyss.
That's why I feel so sorry, that's why I feel the need to apologize, and that's why I feel so guilty. Because instead of doing to you what you have done unto me, I only made you feel worse. I only made you suffer more; I only made you feel more hurt than you were supposed to.
I should've been the one to support you, been the one to cherish you, and been the one to hold you until you felt better. You have done the same to me.
But before I even realized what I was doing, before I realized how badly I was treating you; it was already too late.
It was a month from now. It was just a simple day for everyone, with many things happening all around us that I did not care to know.
While as for you…
You…
You were just well.
You were happy, content and carefree that day, even though you had caught a slight fever.
But, why, why the fuck did it have to end like this?
We were all so well, but just suddenly, so unexpectedly, a doctor told us you only had a month to live.
It was all messed up….
It hurt everyone, especially me, to suddenly hear that you were about to die. We thought you only had a freaking slight fever which Alices could easily heal.
But when we heard you were diagnosed with some unknown, incurable disease, we had no idea of what we should have done.
But to make it worst, you actually admitted that you already knew since we were in elementary.
From that day, for the whole month, all I could do was visit you. Watch you suffer, watch your face contort in pain while you were sleeping. Most of the time when I visited you though, was when you were awake, and it hurt so much more.
Your eyes were hollow, lifeless, naïve to the pain you were now causing all of us. You would smile and laugh, at the smallest things, not knowing that we were crying for you. We could not blame you for not knowing what you were doing; we could not blame you for not understanding our feelings; we could not blame you for not knowing who we were anymore, because it was all the cause of the illness. It will never be your fault, ever.
But that did not lessen the pain… Could you imagine the person you have denied loving for so long, just slowly forget you, and forget the times the both of you held dear. I watched and stopped myself from crying as you slowly faded away, slowly forgetting every one of us, slowly forgetting how to do anything at all. It felt like I was being tortured, seeing you become, mentally, like a baby.
And when you had reached the stage where in you had even forgotten how to eat or digest, you started to vomit blood daily.
For us, it was what one could call a fast, yet slow torture.
And now a month later, I sit by your grave. Not knowing whether to hate you for dying, or hate myself for not being able to tell you, of how much I cared and how much you mattered to me.
I was not able to tell you that I have and will always love you. That I will always and forever imprint you unto my heart.
I guess today, will be truly the first lonely Valentine's Day I have ever had…
And for this, I am in the debt of thanking you for making me feel the pain you have suffered all of this time.
Happy Valentine's, Mikan…
Author's Note: I hope you, especially Tsu-chan, liked it…
I just wanted to say that I'll be reposting and updating "Shrouding Life" soon… So to my dearest readers, who are still interested, you don't have to email me about updating it anymore.
Critics are very much adored if they ever decide to drop by and say some words of wisdom and harshness. So are all the readers, of course.
Happy Valentine's and I apologize again for the wait.
-A.K.