This fic is kind of strange. I was making my mom's birthday cake, and then I randomly got an idea for a fic. I sat down at the computer. I wrote the first line. I didn't move until I'd finished the fic. It was late at night by then. Call it an impulse fic. Still, I actually like it. I've done very little editing, just a bit of copy-editing. I wanted to leave it how it was: a late-night, impulse kind of thing. Anyway, enjoy.
Tears
You don't really realize how much rain looks like tears until you have reason to think about it. This was the one thought that prevailed in the mind of the despairing schoolgirl, sitting with her legs tucked up to her chest, and her arms hugged around herself. It hadn't been raining when she'd first come out, and so she was merely wearing her school uniform, with no jacket or hat. And she had no intention of going back inside, or getting any of the proper raingear she needed. She would sit there until he got back. After all, he'll be back soon. So there's no need to go get a jacket. She'd been thinking the same thing for over an hour. But to go in would be to admit that he wasn't coming back. She'd come outside to wait for him that morning, when he'd first left, and even though dark was falling, she would continue to wait. She wasn't giving up hope that he'd return before the day was over. He'll be here soon. Very soon. Really.
Kagome sighed, dropping her head onto her arms. She knew it was useless. No matter what she told herself, she could not change the fact that Inuyasha had left the village they were staying at to go see Kikyou that morning, and that he still hadn't returned. Which, in Kagome's book, meant two things, neither of which she liked to think. In fact, things that Kagome would rather she could erase from her mind forever. But she couldn't do that. She couldn't stop thinking about them…and about him. She couldn't help knowing that his having gone to see Kikyou, to be gone all day without a word to anyone, meant both that the hanyou still loved the dead miko, and that he didn't care at all for the other miko. The one that was presently sitting out in the rain, waiting for him. The one that could do nothing to prove that she loved him, loved him more than she'd ever loved anything. Loved him more than life itself.
But I can't hate Kikyou. I can't begrudge her Inuyasha's love. She loves him, too, and besides, they were together long before I was even born. It's not Kikyou's fault that he loves her. But no matter how many times Kagome reminded herself of this, she could not help feeling slightly bitter toward the other woman. In her most depressed moments, she would even catch herself wishing that Kikyou had stayed dead. But Kagome wouldn't allow herself to think this for long. None of it is her fault! I can't blame her! But I want to…
Kagome shook her head angrily. If falling in love makes you think such terrible things, I wish I'd never fallen in love with him! I wish I hadn't even met him!
Although Kagome knew this last wasn't true. She had a feeling, buried somewhere within her, that she couldn't live without Inuyasha. But if he ever officially chooses Kikyou, I just may have to! I don't think I can…
"Kagome-chan?" Kagome looked up, startled, to see Sango standing over her, looking worried. "Please come inside. I'm sure Inuyasha will be back soon, and he wouldn't want you waiting out in the rain. I'm sure of it."
Kagome shrugged. "I'll be fine, Sango-chan."
The look of worry on Sango's face only worsened. "Please, Kagome-chan?"
"No thanks," Kagome murmured, already dropping her head back down. She lifted it again when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Kagome-"
"Don't worry about me."
Biting her lip anxiously, Sango turned back around to go into the hut. Then she stopped.
"Promise me you'll come in if he's not back in ten minutes?" the demon-slayer asked pleadingly.
Kagome shrugged again. "Sure," she replied. He'll be back by then, I know he will! she added mentally.
With another worried look, Sango retreated into the hut.
Her friend out of sight, Kagome allowed her head to sink into her arms again, ignoring the tears beginning to run down her face. What's wrong with me? she thought bitterly. He's done this lots of times! It's not like he's ever going to stop, so I might as well get used to it! Besides, he'll be back soon. I can't let him see me like this.
Kagome tried to wipe the tears from her face, but more simply came to fill their place. Maybe they'll just blend in with the rain. They're a lot alike, really.
Kagome found herself wondering why this particular time seemed worse than all the others. Maybe her love for the hanyou had grown. It probably had, but Kagome did not think that was the reason. This particular absence of Inuyasha felt different, somehow. As though something important was happening. Maybe had already happened. I wish I could just go back to yesterday. To that hill we were sitting on. Just freeze time there. Kagome remembered…
Inuyasha had been sitting on a hillside, all alone, looking more serious than usual. He was staring off into the distance, not looking at anything in particular.
"Inuyasha?" Kagome had whispered, coming up behind him. He had seemed startled, nearly jumping up at the sound of her voice.
"Kagome!" he had sounded…not angry. Just surprised.
"Can I sit?" she had asked, twining her fingers together nervously.
"Yeah."
Kagome had sat down beside him, and looked up at the sky. It had been perfectly clear that day—hardly even the slightest sign of a cloud. When she had surreptitiously shot a sidelong glance at Inuyasha, she'd found him looking right back at her. There was something in his eyes…something familiar…
But then he'd looked away, blushing, and she had done the same.
It was silent for a while. Then:
"Why do you come here?" Inuyasha asked bluntly, not looking at her.
"To find the jewel shards," Kagome answered automatically, taken off guard.
"Really?" Inuyasha sounded somewhat sad, she thought. But maybe she was imagining it.
"Well, yeah, I guess." Kagome was flustered. Of course that was the official reason she came, but there was another reason. One that, frankly, meant a lot more to her even than the sacred jewel.
"Okay." And the two had said no more, but they had sat there for a very long time, silently, watching the clear sky. It was strange, but in those hours Kagome spent sitting by Inuyasha, she felt closer to him than she ever did. She had fallen into a sort of trance, staring at the sky, simply cherishing the feel of him near her. At that time, it had seemed to her as though everything just might work out. She had even (briefly, but still) allowed herself to consider the possibility that he might, just might, be in love with her.
And shivering in the freezing rain, Kagome wondered what had changed. Was it Kikyou? Did Kikyou have some mysterious effect on Inuyasha that caused him to forget all about her? Or had he never actually cared for her at all? Had Kagome's mind, clouded with love, simply made up what she thought she'd sensed from him? Just then, that seemed likely.
When Kagome heard the footsteps, she assumed it was Sango coming to ask her to come inside. Had it been ten minutes already? He's coming. I know he is. I won't go in just yet.
And so, expecting to hear Sango's gentle voice, Kagome was shocked to feel a rough hand on her shoulder, and hear a gruff voice murmur "Kagome?"
At the sound of that voice, Kagome's heart started pounding. "Inuyasha?" she looked up quickly, her eyes brightening somewhat. I knew he'd come!
"Kagome, what the hell are you doing out here? You're soaking wet—you could get really sick!" Inuyasha's tone was worried, somewhat panicked. Not really the tone of someone who has his mind on his other love…still…
"Sorry." Kagome sighed, looking down again. So he's worried about me. That doesn't change the fact that he's been with Kikyou all day.
"Kagome? You okay?" He hadn't taken his hand from her shoulder.
"Mm-hm."
"Then why are you acting so weird? Don't tell me you're mad at me?"
"Oh, no, what reason would I have to be mad?" It came out sounding a whole lot more sarcastic than Kagome had intended.
"Kagome…what-?"
"Look, just tell me what happened, would you?" Kagome hoped that the tears that had not ceased were being disguised by the rain.
"What d'you mean 'what happened'? You mean with Kikyou?"
"Yes, with Kikyou!" Kagome looked up angrily, no longer bothering to hide her tears.
"Kagome, what the hell's going on? Are you-you-"
"Can't you get anything through your thick skull, Inuyasha?" Kagome bit her lip so hard that it nearly bled, trying to restrain the tears pouring liberally down her face.
"What are you talking about? Why are you getting so angry?" Inuyasha's temper was claiming him, as usual. But he had no reason to be mad at her, none at all. And she had every reason in the world to be mad at him. She was sick of all of it. Sick of him constantly leaving her to go to Kikyou. Sick of his insensitiveness. Sick of him being so oblivious. Sick of always being confused. Sick of loving him.
"You just don't get it, do you?!" Kagome yelled, jumping up. She ignored the large amount of rain that poured down her collar. She didn't even notice it.
"Get what? Kagome, what the hell are you going on about?" Inuyasha stepped toward her, angrily. And Kagome looked up at him, and hated her heart as she felt it flutter. Why do I have to love him so much? I don't want to! I don't want to have to go through this! For the first time, Kagome resented the demon that had dragged her through the well so long ago. But even resenting it, even wanting to simply make her heart stop loving Inuyasha, she also knew that she never could. No matter what happened to her, or to him, she would never stop loving him. That much, at least, was clear. And so, in a fury, confused, angry, and so, so in love, Kagome couldn't contain the words, couldn't stop them even as she felt them bursting from her lips.
"Get that I'm in love with you!" she screamed, clenching her hands into fists. And then her heart stopped entirely. Did I just say that…?
"Who says that I-" Inuyasha continued automatically. And then he stopped. His hands dropped numbly to his sides, and his eyes, which had been narrowed in anger, slowly widened. And widened. "What did you say?" he whispered, blinking as though he thought maybe this was a dream. But a good dream or a nightmare, Kagome didn't know.
"I said that I loved you," she blurted, not thinking, not breathing, just no longer able to contain her feelings. No longer able to try to hide what she had known for so long.
"You-Kagome-" Inuyasha looked as though his heart had similarly stopped. She could honestly not hear him breathing. He stared at the drenched figure before him, and Kagome could practically see the memories that were flashing through his mind. He was finally putting it all together. All the times she had saved him, sacrificed herself for him, cried when he had been hurt, fallen into a state of depression whenever he saw Kikyou. But he said nothing.
And suddenly, Kagome hated herself. What did I just do?! she thought ferociously. She had just ruined everything. Before, no matter who he loved, she could still be with him. Still spend time with him. Still see him every day. But now that he knew the truth, that would be impossible. She would have to leave.
"Look, just forget about it," she muttered bitterly, pushing past him. She had a vague notion that she would go home, although she had no idea how to get to Kaede's village, or even if it was possible. But I can't stay here.
She took a few steps toward the forest, unwilling to run until she was out of sight of the hanyou. But suddenly she felt a firm hand on her shoulder. "Wait, Kagome!" Inuyasha sounded pained. She turned to face him, although she kept her eyes trained on the soggy ground.
Inuyasha said nothing, although she could hear his ragged breathing. Kagome felt drained, unable to even hate herself. She just wanted to curl up on the soaking ground and sleep, and let the rain pour around her, mirroring the tears still running soundlessly down her face. She wanted to be all alone, forever, and just never have to think about Inuyasha again. She wanted to rid herself of her stupid, desperate, painful heart.
Unable to speak, Kagome turned around again. Finding herself unable to walk, she allowed herself to sink to her knees, ignoring the mud that stained her skirt. She put her head in her hands, sure she could never lift it up again.
Some part of her mind registered the strained gasp behind her. That same part of her mind registered a sudden warmth, and that part of her mind forced her to raise her head and see Inuyasha standing over her, wearing only his inner haori. He had draped his red outer haori over her shoulders, and it was slowly warming her, drying her.
"Inuyasha…" she managed, not even sure what she was saying, knowing only that it was the only word her mouth could form.
"I…didn't know," Inuyasha whispered hoarsely. Kagome could only shake her head repeatedly.
"I know that. I shouldn't even have mentioned it. I know you love someone else, so can we just forget it?" Kagome still clung to the hope that maybe they could forget it, that maybe she could still stay with him.
"No, we can't forget it." Inuyasha's voice was soft as he knelt on the ground in front of her so that they were at eye level. "I could never forget it."
Kagome whimpered, wiping her hands across her face. "So then…I'll have to leave. I really should...go…" But as she tried to rise, shakily, Inuyasha placed his hands on her shoulders.
"There's no way you're leaving."
"But-I-" But I love you, and you love Kikyou! It'll never work!
"Kagome, you're shivering."
"Mm?" Kagome breathed in quickly, realizing how close they were. Inuyasha slowly reached out his arms toward her, and she could see that they were shaking.
"Inuyasha-" But she was cut off as his arms suddenly went around her, roughly pulling her towards him. Her heart was about to explode, and she had stopped breathing again. She couldn't have spoken, even if she could have thought of something to say.
"Kagome." Inuyasha's voice was so gentle. Kagome closed her eyes, trying to keep her tears from soaking his shirt. "If I'd only known…I wouldn't have…I mean, I hate that you had to go through this, Kagome…"
"Look, it's not your fault that you love Kikyou! Don't apologize!" Kagome tried to pull away, but he held her far too tightly.
"Who said that?" His voice was a whisper.
"You did! Or I mean, you nearly did! Why would you go away a whole day to see her, without even a thought toward some other girl who might be sitting outside all day waiting for you, if you didn't love her! You don't have to worry about my feelings, Inuyasha. I don't think I have any left."
"I'm not, Kagome. I'm worrying about mine."
Puzzled, Kagome looked up, meeting his deep golden eyes. He was looking at her the way he had on the hill. The way that had seemed so familiar…
And suddenly Kagome knew why it was so familiar. Because his eyes exactly matched the feelings in her heart. He was looking like…like he loved her. But he doesn't! He couldn't!
"Kagome, I did something today that I knew was foolish. I knew that it was the act of someone far too desperate. But I did it anyway. And it turns out…I was wrong." His grip had loosened, and Kagome pulled back to stare at him. He was really confusing her. But when she looked in his eyes again, her desperate heart searching them, the look was still there. And…if she wasn't imagining it…there was something running down his face. Something other than the rain. Kagome was overcome by a desire to wipe his face, to wipe away the tears that were rain, or the rain that was tears.
"I was sure I could never tell you what I did, because you'd…well…I don't know. But I-" Inuyasha's voice sounded as though he was forcing it out with all his strength.
"You don't have to tell me. Please don't tell me." I don't want to hear what he did with Kikyou. I don't want to know!
Inuyasha shook his head, almost smiling. "Kagome, I…I told Kikyou I couldn't see her anymore."
"What?" Kagome's heart had been through so many fluctuations that she was worried about it. And just then, even as she tried to restrain it, it flew into her throat.
And then Inuyasha was the one looking away. "It was hard, Kagome. The hardest thing I've ever done. To say goodbye to someone that I once loved…"
"Then why did you do it? She still loves you." Kagome was whispering. She didn't know if he would even hear her. And then something registered. Once loved? Does that mean…could it mean…
"This isn't about her, Kagome!" Inuyasha sounded exasperated, and Kagome recognized a tone she often used with him. "It's about someone else! Someone that I love more than I ever loved Kikyou! Someone that I would do anything for! Someone that…apparently…loves me back." Inuyasha had barely even whispered the last bit, as though he was almost hoping Kagome wouldn't hear.
"Inuyasha…" Kagome's heart kept going up, and up. Any minute it was going to leave her body entirely. "What are you saying…"
"What does it sound like I'm saying?" Inuyasha shook his head, blinking his eyes several times. The tears were distinguishable from the rain now. Kagome could see them clearly, and she leaned forward, gently stroking a finger across his wet cheek.
"It sounds like…"
"Like I'm in love with you?" Inuyasha murmured hoarsely.
Kagome tried to breathe, just so that she could get out the one word. "Yes."
"You always were good at figuring things out, Kagome."
And then Kagome fell forward onto him, half out of relief, half out of shock. She hadn't been willing to even let herself think it, and yet…and yet…
"Kagome." His arms were around her, and they were so, so warm. Kagome hadn't ever felt so warm, so comforted. And at last her heart was exactly where it belonged. Right next to his.
Suddenly, Kagome realized something. "But if you didn't know that I loved you, then how-why-"
"I didn't think you loved me, Kagome. But I didn't care. I couldn't, rightly, keep seeing Kikyou. Not when I loved someone else. I did love Kikyou once, but…that was before I met you. Now…I couldn't love someone else if I tried."
"But then why didn't you tell me? Why did you let me suffer?"
"If I'd known you were suffering, I would have told you. If I'd had any idea…" Inuyasha wrapped his arms around Kagome, holding her tightly, as though he was afraid she was going to simply float away.
"I'm sorry, Inuyasha." The tears were still pouring down Kagome's cheeks, and she didn't even bother to keep them off of Inuyasha's inner haori. It was soaking wet, anyway.
"I'm sorry too."
Kagome looked up at him to find him looking down at her. The look was still in his eyes. Thinking back, Kagome realized that he often looked at her that way…she just hadn't let herself admit it. And now she could. Because he loved her. And if he loved her even a tiny fraction of how she loved him, he wanted exactly what she did right then.
Clearly, she was right, for just as she tentatively lifted her lips toward his, he tilted his head down. They met somewhere in the middle, and his lips were so sweet. Most of Kagome was lost in the kiss, unable to even remember where she was or why she was there. She knew only that she was kissing the boy she loved, had always loved, and it was good. But that small part of her mind that was always conscious registered how sweet his lips were. How soft. At last, she thought giddily. At last I've found the one part of him that's soft. And then even that part of her mind was lost.
When lack of air dragged Kagome back into her body, she pulled away, taking in a deep breath, and breathing only Inuyasha's familiar scent.
Laughing for no reason, she buried her head in his chest.
"Kagome?" he asked, placing a hand on her head.
"I'm…fine…" she panted. She was smiling, with her face and with her heart. And so Inuyasha smiled back, gently wiping a tear from her cheek. More spilled out to take its place.
"You're…still crying…" Worry clouded Inuyasha's beautiful golden eyes, and Kagome laughed at him.
"I'm crying because I'm happy, silly."
Inuyasha vaguely put a hand to his face, and then seemed somewhat startled. "Yeah. I…think I am too."
And then he jumped up, holding out a hand for her. She took it, letting him pull her to her feet. On impulse, she reached out and kissed his cheek. His eyes widened, and he turned to stare at her. And then he smiled.
"Let's get you inside," he said quietly. "You're gonna get sick."
"So're you," Kagome laughed, leaning into him.
"I know," he whispered. She could feel his breath on her forehead, and looked up just in time to meet his lips with hers again. This kiss was even gentler and sweeter than the last. This is what I've needed for so long…
When they broke apart, Inuyasha slung an arm around her shoulders, walking towards the hut. "The others are probably worried about you," he said.
"You too." Kagome slid her arm around his back, leaning into his side. And she relished the last drops of rain that fell on her upturned face before she entered the hut. She liked the rain. It was like tears. But not all tears were tears of sadness. The sky, just like Kagome, was shedding tears of joy.
Review please! Flame it if you want, I guess, but please no pointless flames, like 'this sux. Kikyou is awesome.' If you're an Inukik fan, just don't read it, K?