A puddle of almost-neon green sludge was pooling at my feet and smelling up the office as I stood in front of Connie's desk in my cousin Vinnie's newly constructed bonds office, waiting for my body receipt. My last apprehension, Morton Salzner, had creamed me with the sludge before I tackled and cuffed him. Throwing the bucket of sludge on me was his worst mistake. He just added fuel to the flame that I already had to get my rent paid on time this month. I had no idea where the sludge came from. The sludge was from parts unknown. It had been a bucket of mystery sitting in a big paint bucket in the corner of his dingy, sparsely furnished apartment.
Connie was looking uncomfortable, holding her nose between two perfectly manicured fingers and typing faster than I've ever seen her type before with her other hand. Lula was opening a window, trying to let the smell out. The window stuck when it was almost all the way up and she fell halfway out, doing a good Pooh in the honey pot imitation. I heard her suck in the fresh air and sigh in relief.
"I ain't never smelled nothing like that!" Lula said and she farted. For some reason I had a hard time believing that.
The front door of the office dinged open and the pressure in the room changed. I didn't have to turn to know it was Ranger. I would recognize his electric energy anywhere. Still, I turned to see his reaction to gooey Stephanie and was not surprised to see that Ranger-esque almost-smile that sent a thrill from my head straight to my southern lands, which was currently no-man's-land. He picked a strand of my hair up between two fingers, examined it for a nano-second and did a Ranger grimace. In other words, I think I saw a tiny twitch of his nose.
"Babe," was all he said. The tone of his voice said, "What in the world did you do now?"
"It's complicated," I said by way of explanation. I didn't want to even think of today's events much less talk about them!
Lula must have thought seeing Ranger was worth putting up with the stench, because she worked the top half of herself back into the office. She pulled her neon pink leopard print mini skirt back down to slightly covering proportions and straightened up her girls. They still hung almost halfway out of her glittery black low v-neck tank top. I noticed her hair was golden blond today with little strips of pink in the front on each side.
"We need to get you cleaned up," Ranger said to me, looking at me like I was lunch. Behind him I could see Connie and Lula fanning themselves.
"I'm good, but thanks for the offer. Maybe next time." I teased him.
Ranger smoldered down at me for a flash and said, "I'll remember that."
Oh boy. A second surge of heat travelled to no-man's-land. "Well, time to go." I said as Connie handed me my check. I rushed through the door like a gazelle running from a lion. Which is actually very close to reality. Ranger was the elusive bad boy gone good, depending on who's standards you used to measure "good". We had had a few mind-numbingly shattering nights of something that was too good to be defined and we still remained friends and associates. The chemistry was always there, waiting to flare up at the first sign of lost control. He has already made it clear that he is not marriage material, but that he loves me in his own way and he would take advantage of every opportunity to get me naked in his bed. And I have already made it clear to myself that I am crazy because, despite the warning, I was totally in love with him.
Then there was Morelli. I was also in love with him. He might be willing to marry me if I lose the bounty hunter job and take the job as his housewife. As much as I liked being with him, I just couldn't picture myself as anyone's housewife. Besides, I might not make a killing at this job, but I definitely have a love-hate relationship with it. I don't really want to quit, even if I do question my sanity at my decision more often than not. So that left me in my current condition. Man-less and close to penniless because once I cashed that check, it was as good as gone to rent, bills, a few jars of peanut butter, a jar of olives and some bread.
I pulled into the lot of my building, a simple three story red brick apartment building. I parked my maroon '06 convertible Eclipse and I remoted the car doors locked. I power-walked into the lobby, up two flights of stairs and into my apartment. No time to waste, I could feel my skin rotting away under the green sludge. Okay, so maybe it wasn't rotting, but who am I to say what this stuff could do to me? For all I knew I might have already been growing an extra set of eyes on my ass!
I ran straight to the shower and jumped in with clothes on. I didn't want to touch the sludge any more than I already had. After I stripped the wet clothes off I soaped and lathered three times and prayed that the gunk would come out of my hair. I felt a little guilty about praying, considering the fact that I hadn't so much as entered a church since the time Lula made me fill her Super Soaker with holy water. And I couldn't even remember how long it had been before that. I crossed myself and hoped that would compensate a little.
After toweling off and dressing in a pair of dark blue jeans and a gray Pearl Jam tee, I strolled into the kitchen and stopped in my tracks. There was a decapitated, two-foot, stuffed bear in the middle of the floor. No note pinned to it, no writing in blood on the wall. The batting was sticking out of its neck, like a still life of white, gushing blood. "Okay, Stephanie, stay calm," I said to myself. "It's just a stuffed animal." A decapitated stuffed animal in the middle of my kitchen. I needed a doughnut. Or birthday cake. Yes, birthday cake would be perfect!
I knew I should call someone and report this, but I really wanted some birthday cake first. Some people hit the bottle, some people smoke a cigarette. I eat sweets when I'm having a nervous breakdown. I stuck my head in the fridge and didn't find any birthday cake, but I did find some leftover pineapple upside down cake from my mom's last night. I scarfed it down, keeping an eye on my headless prize. When I finished I washed my plate and dialed Morelli.
"What's up?" he answered.
"Um, I've got a decapitated plush in my kitchen." I told him, feeling a little silly.
"What did the stuffed animal do to you to deserve that?" he asked with a small laugh.
"This is serious!" I yelled into the phone. "I didn't call you to get laughed at. You know, I could've called someone else first."
"Sorry, Cupcake. I'm busy right now, but I'll send someone over." and he disconnected. While I waited I called Ranger and told him. He said he'd be right over since he was already close by and disconnected.
Five minutes later Eddie Gazarra showed up with a new partner that I didn't recognize. He introduced him as Clarence Gordon. Ranger showed up right after Gazarra had asked me a few questions. Gordon examined my door and windows, checking for signs of forced entry and Gazarra scoped out the bear. Ranger strutted over, put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head.
"Any ideas on the culprit?" he asked, looking at the bear with one of those Ranger smiles.
"Not a clue. I haven't pissed anyone off any more than normal." For me, though, pissing people off was part of my profession.
Gordon ambled over. "No signs of forced entry." Gazarra joined him. "Just make sure you keep everything, doors and windows, locked up." Gordon said.
"Take care of yourself, Steph." Gazarra said with a punch in the shoulder, and they walked out with my headless friend, closing the door behind them.
"Good riddance to that thing," I mumbled.
I looked up at Ranger. "So, what's on the agenda for today?"
"Actually, I don't really have one. I thought I'd take a hike." I wasn't sure if he meant literally or figuratively. It must have shown on my face because then he said, "Babe, I mean I'm going to the Poconos on an all-day hiking excursion. You should come with me."
I thought about it and before I could reach a decision, Ranger was pulling me by my arm through the door. "Wait! I don't have my purse!" I dug my feet into the carpet.
"You don't need it."
"I don't have any snacks ready!" I said, feeling panicky. I love spending time with Ranger, but hiking with Batman was just plain scary. Especially since the last time I did exercise was when I ran down the street to the gas station to get an emergency candy bar.
"I have water, fruit and nuts. That's all we need for the hike and we'll go out for dinner after." he said, still pulling me towards the door.
"But I don't have my deodorant on!" That stopped him short. He released my arm and watched me go into the bathroom with skeptical eyes. I procrastinated by putting on some makeup and brushing my teeth again. I was about to start on my eyebrows when Ranger knocked on the door.
"I'll go ahead without you if you're not out in thirty seconds." he said through the door.
"Tempting." I said.
Well, I could use the exercise after all that cake I just ate. And I could get to know Ranger more, which would help me with my dilemma. Not that I needed help with that when he obviously didn't want a commitment. Still, it felt like I should do some further investigation. Plus, did I really want to be here all alone in my apartment when some crazed stalker was sending me beheaded treats? I slathered about half a tube of deodorant under each arm as fast as I could and thought about hiking with Ranger again. Probably it wouldn't be so bad. I heard the Pocono Mountains were really pretty this time of year. That's a plus, right?
I opened the bathroom door and found Ranger turning the front door knob. He turned back to me when he heard me coming toward him and grabbed my hand to lead me out of my apartment to his black Porsche Panamera Turbo. We piled in and hit the highway. It was a little over a two hour drive and Ranger was in his usual silent mode. I, on the other hand, was feeling a little more peppy.
"So how often do you go hiking?" I asked him.
"Every chance I get, which isn't very often. The outdoors are good for you, Babe."
I pushed that thought around. Probably he was right. But the great outdoors didn't seem to like me much. I mean, I usually end up getting attacked by wildlife. And the only times I wasn't attacked by wildlife in the outdoors, I wasn't exactly there for great reasons. So today would be an adventure. Just hopefully, they don't have any bears or anything.
"Ugh, that would be horrible!" I said without thinking. Ranger looked at me, one eyebrow slightly raised.
"Uh, I was just worrying about the lions and tigers and bears. Oh my!" I giggled nervously. Mental head slap. God, I am such a dork!
Ranger half smiled and grabbed the hand that was resting on my leg. Heat surged through my body when his hand brushed my leg and for a second I debated convincing him to pull into the next abandoned road and letting me have my way with him. I didn't think it wouldn't take much convincing. But it was also probably asking for trouble. I sighed.
"Babe." Ranger said, his voice laced with sexy. He must have read my mind. Either that or he knows me well enough to translate that sigh. His eyes were smoldering down at me. He looked back to the road, but his hand looked for forbidden pleasures as he drove. It caressed my left breast, went up and down my side a couple times, sending chills through my entire body and finally it rested on my leg again where he took my hand back in his. A small moan escaped before I could stop it.
"Maybe we should turn around and go back to my place," he said.
Eeek! I thought. That was so tempting. "No, I'm good with hiking." I squeaked.
It was almost noon when we arrived. The weather was typical for the end of May, except it was about five degrees cooler here. The rain had been good this year so the foliage was extra green and the forest smelled of damp earth and damp trees. Not entirely a bad smell. Very masculine. Mmmm...masculine. I thought as I watched Ranger stretching in front of me. His body was rock solid and perfectly shaped all over, and I do mean all. He was as masculine as you can get. I imagined sinking my teeth into that perfect ass and had a little convulsion of pleasure run through me at the thought. I peeled my eyes off of him and spotted the black backpack laying on the back floorboard. I rifled through it. Unsalted almonds, dried mixed berries, several bottles of water and four homemade granola bars. I'm guessing those came from Ella.
"What? No Tasty Kakes?" I teased.
"Those things'll kill you, Babe." he said and he put the backpack on.
We walked around curving trails that inclined and declined and inclined again. I was proud that I wasn't about to throw up, but I was huffing and puffing and my legs were already starting to hurt. Ranger didn't even have a drop of sweat on him. Ugh, how annoying is that? We rounded another curve and landed right in front of a huge cascade.
"Whoa." I stopped and stared, checking it out from top to bottom. A light mist sprayed on me from the fall as we walked across the wooden pedestrian bridge. It crossed over the water that pooled on an overhang which created a break in the waterfall. It looked like we were right in the middle of the deluge. My peace of mind was broken when I heard a rare full-on Ranger laugh.
"I don't know how you do it, Babe." he said when I turned on him with a glare. He picked up a strand of my hair much like he did this morning, between pinched fingers. He held it out so I could see part of it. I could barely see a little white smudge in it.
"Oh my god! What is that?"
"Looks like the birds around here already know the drill." he said, sounding a little too amused for my liking.
I looked up to the sky, "Why me?" I asked, then realized how much I sound like my mother.
I ran to the visitor's center and assessed the damage in the mirror. The bird poo started at the top of my head and ran down one side almost to the end of my hair. Alright, okay. I've had way worse than this. All I had to do was figure out how to get my head under the faucet. Five minutes and a wet head later I was poo free. I walked back to Ranger and we dug in to the snacks. I'm not a big health nut, but I have to admit, Ella makes a mean granola bar.
I was scarfing the last bite of my second granola bar, watching the water ripple down the cliff face. It really was peaceful.
"I could get used to doing things like this," I said. Ranger just stared down at me, his expression unreadable. He tucked some stray hairs behind my ear and kissed me lightly on the mouth. Now it was my turn to gawk. I wasn't sure what it meant. He's kissed me before, and his kisses were always good. This kiss was sweet and tender. I could really get used to this side of Ranger, too, but I wasn't about to tell him that. Okay, let's not make too much of this.
Two hours later my legs felt about as sturdy as Jell-O and were burning so bad that I wasn't sure if I could make it back to the car. I trudged through the small parking lot and collapsed in the Turbo. We hit the highway in search of dinner now. It could get complicated. He was a health nut and I was a junk food addict. We debated a lot. He wanted Sushi, I wanted a doughnut. Eventually we compromised and decided on a steak house. Ranger ordered a top sirloin steak and the vegetable medley and I ordered a loaded baked potato and a double bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon and cheese. I was so full that I had to sneak to undo the top button on my jeans. Once we were back in the car and on the road, I was asleep within minutes.
When I woke up again I was in my tee shirt and panties and had a big, warm arm wrapped around me. I felt my way up the arm and found that the big, warm arm also had a warm, bare chest. I checked a little lower and felt an elastic band. Whew! Saved by the flimsy stretch of fabric! I had to stop myself from thinking too much about the fact that Ranger was laying in my bed, half naked, snuggling up to me. If I thought about it too much I would probably give him a very, very happy start to his day. I hefted the arm off me so I could check the time on my phone. Six am! I had slept through the night!
I crawled out of bed on achy legs and started the coffee. Ranger must have smelled it brewing because he joined me in the kitchen a few minutes later. He looked at the top of my head and smiled.
"Babe."
I rolled my eyes up as if I could see the top of my head. I didn't see anything so I took a stroll to the bathroom to look in the mirror. Sure enough, I was doing my best impersonation of Medusa. I probably still smelled from all that walking we did yesterday, too. I jumped in the shower and realized when I was done that the laundry basket with my clean clothes in it was still sitting on the living room floor by the couch. I put my short, worn-from-the-years, pink robe on and heard some strange noises coming from the kitchen when I walked out of the bathroom. Was someone cooking in my kitchen?
I went to investigate and found Ranger whisking eggs. He was dressed in only his silky, black boxer briefs that perfectly accentuated his most perfect parts. I felt my nipples go hard as I watched him work. His sex radar must have sounded because he turned to me with eyes dilated black and put the egg bowl down on the counter. He reached over to turn the warming burner back off.
"Breakfast can wait." he said and started coming towards me. Gulp!