This idea has been bouncing around my head for a while now. I was working on a story with the whole mean girl concept but have hit a brick wall. This story idea entered my head and refused to leave. So I wrote it. It's sad, not going to lie, the focus is the death of a main character and since I write JJ and Emily your guess would be good if you guess one of them. It will be a three piece, and will be updated every other day, so on Thursday and then Saturday. Let me know what you think.
I can't believe how much has changed this past year. Everything's different yet that different is now normal. One year ago we said good-bye as I cradled you in my arms all covered in blood after an unsub shot you. A year ago we talked for the last time, you told me you loved me and I said the same. You made me promise to take care of Henry and to go on with my life and I told you I would and I will. Three hundred and sixty-five days ago we shared our last kiss. As we said our good-byes I leaned down and place a gentle kiss to your lips and thankfully I felt you kiss back. You died shortly thereafter, in my arms, took your last breath as I held you. For the longest time I didn't know how I would get out of bed every day knowing that you were no longer with me, no longer sharing a life with me, but every day I did and every day I do. Every day I get up and start my day, every day I get up and live the life we had, the life we wanted to have and I don't know how. That's not true, I know why I do it. I do it for him but more importantly, no not more importantly but just as important I do it for you. Because I promised you I would, I promised you I would go on with my life and I could never deny you anything. Next to that, the hardest day was the day we brought you home. God I remember it like it was yesterday.
The flight home is quiet, it almost always is, but this is an entirely different kind of quiet. We are usually all tired from working way too many hours with not enough sleep, too much stress, coming off some caffeine high from the endless amounts of coffee we all ingested over the however many days we were away. Sometimes content on the job we did, on the lives we saved, on the closure we brought but most times always wishing we could have done more. Usually Morgan would be listening to his headphones or chatting up Garcia with their endless flirting. Rossi and Hotch would be talking about something that only interests them, usually something good old days related. Reid would be doing something Reid like learning something new reading something in a different language. JJ would be either going through files trying to decide what's next for us or sleeping curled up on one of the couches. Me, I usually would be reading a book. Okay I would be pretending to read a book, all the while my attention, my focused was always on JJ. That's the usual, the norm but this time, this time there is no usual, there is no normal. This time we are returning home an agent down, returning a broken family. This time only five us will make the trip home. Okay that's not entirely true either. We are all returning home but none of us will ever be the same.
As the jet touched down, we all make no effort of any kind to show acknowledgement, to show movement, to show life. No, we all continue to sit in our seats and stare blankly at nothing, recalling the events of the last several days. Eyes bloodshot, with no more water left for tears. As it taxis down the runway you can feel the tension build, you can feel the uneasiness that we all feel. At first when the jet comes to a stop no one moves, no one can bring themselves to actually more. Hotch of course is the first to move the leader, our boss, the one who carries our world on his shoulders. Today if possible his shoulders look like they are carrying even more weight but I guess that's because they are. Any sign of emotion, the little head had, now nowhere to be found. He stands slowly almost looks painful, this I guess is the sign for us that life must go on but really how can it. Rossi is next, stoic as always but broken. It's Morgan turn to stand. You can tell by the way his head is hung that he is still blaming himself for what happened though it truly was no one's fault. He places a hand on Reid's shoulder, knowing he needs all the help he can get, she was his sister at least that's how they acted. As they all make their way to the door Hotch stops by my side and places a hand on my shoulder, "take all the time you need, we'll wait for you." What he means is she'll wait for me. I nod, knowing that if I try and say anything I will break down, again.
Sitting in my seat I can't help but reminisce a bit, about how things use to be, how life use to be. I feel myself smiling for the first time since this all happened, remembering all the good times, remembering your warm smile, your bright eyes, your essences, your love. I have no idea how I'm to go on, how am I suppose to live my life and not have her in it, but more so how am I suppose to tell Henry that Mommy is never coming home. It was hard enough telling her parents. I remember the gut wrenching feeling knowing I would be the one to tell them. I had to, it was my responsibility, she was my responsibility. I mean after all she was the love of my life, my world, my life. I remember the scream I heard from her mom when her father broke the news. I remember how his voice broke as he tried to choke back the tears I know were ready to flow. As I sit, it takes me a moment to realize that I have been playing with my wedding ban. She and I always kept them on chains around our necks close to our hearts while in the field and like most times when I think of her I find myself playing with it. Removing it from around my neck I do what I have to do, I place it on my ring finger where it truly belongs and vow to never take it off. She wasn't the love of my life, my world, my wife, no she is all those things and so much more.
As I stand I brace myself for what I am about to do. By brace I mean I physically have to brace myself with the seat because my knees threaten to give way. Today I will bury the love of my life, my best friend, my wife. The bureau has taken care of most of the arrangements for her funeral, at least the memorial part. Apparently there will be a procession with several vehicles to the site where her public memorial will take place after that we will drive the short distance to the cemetery where close friends and family will get to say their final good-byes. I refused to allow her actually burial to be anything more than that, she wouldn't want more than that. After that nothing is planned, I don't know where I will go or who will be with me, god I have never felt this lost. Can I really stay in the home where so much will remind me of her? I finally begin walking down the center of the plane nearing the door. Taking a deep breath I raise my head, after all I am a Prentiss and I can't show weakness, and step off the plane. She would slap me for that thought, after all this time I still manage to act the part of a Prentiss. As I walk off the plane all the resolve I had is gone because before me are not a few cars, no not the dozen or so that I was expecting, that usually show up to these type of events. No not a dozen but dozens. I am just standing there gape jawed at the presence of all those who have shown up, Prentiss presence just went out the window. I knew people cared about her but never did I expect to see this. It appears that her life has affected much more than I thought because there are squad cars from around the country and even from outside the country. It appears the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have also come. The entire alphabet soup is represented, FBI, DEA, CIA, ATF and all the rest. Taking in all this is breathtaking and warms my heart, but all that doesn't prepare me to what awaits me just down the stairs. A sight that can make one's world stop spinning. The sight before me is of three cars, two black bureau SUVs and one single white hearse.
Walking down the endless stairs I am met by not only my team, my entire team, Garcia is there as well, but also her parents. I can't focus, I can't see straight, I can't think with this pounding in my head that is only getting stronger, but I continue, I go on. As we are all embracing, words are being said but honestly I am on auto pilot and have no idea what is happening until everyone stops and now everyone's focus is on the back of the plane which has just lowered its door. Movement is happening and I only barely comprehend what is going on. Hotch, Rossi, Morgan, Reid, Anderson, Kevin, Mr. Jareau, and to surprise Gideon are all heading to the rear of the plane. As they ascend into the belly of the plane I finally realize that I have yet to see Henry. Turning to Garcia I say only one word, but it speaks volumes, "Henry?" Turns out my mom is watching him at the site of the memorial, they thought it best if he hears what's going on from me.
With that said all attention is back on the plane along with her casket and it's pallbearers that are slowly making their way off the plane and towards me. I feel Garcia's grip on my hand tighten, only to realize it is my grip on hers that has tighten. I also have an arm wrapped around her mom, somehow we are both still standing. They stop in front of me, seeming to ask my approval to continue. I stare for a moment, knowing that she is in there, it is not only haunting but so very surreal. I let go of the two women standing next to me and approach the casket. Raising my hand to my lips I then lay it on the mahogany casket and then step out of the way and they continue their journey to the hearse. I follow behind mainly because I don't know what else to do, not like I do this every day.
As they place her casket into the vehicle I glance around and next to every vehicle there are two officers representing their squad, precinct or agency, all in their dress blues and on their shields, displayed on their chests, is a piece of black tape, indicating they lost one of their own. Never did I expect this and it is nearly too much. It literally takes all my strength to remain standing and as composed as I am. I always knew she made a difference, impacted lives but never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined just how many and just how much. After the door is shut we make our way to one of the two SUVs. Each has a driver Gideon in one and Anderson in the other. I along with her parents, Garcia and Kevin are in the first car, the lead car. The other has Hotch, Morgan, Rossi and Reid. After our doors are shut I see the rest of the officers follow suit, climbing into their vehicles. It appears we will have a full police escort. There are four squad cars two in the front and I assume the other two will be in the back of the hearse. All four with their lights on, no sirens, just lights and I notice that all the other vehicles have also turned on their lights. As the hearse begins to pull away we follow and by we I mean the two bureau rigs and everyone else. The location for the memorial is roughly ten miles away and we have a mile or so worth of vehicles, single file. Driving along the streets, I can't help but wonder what all the pedestrians are thinking. Wondering who is so important to warrant such an enclave. I'm sure they assume it is law enforcement related I mean there are dozens of cop cars. Streets are blocked off, traffic is stopped and lights are ignored, all this allowing the motorcade to pass unhindered. I can't help but think how so not her this all is. I smile knowing she would smack me upside the head for allowing this but I also know she would understand. How am I to deny all these people, all the people who wanted to pay their respects to her? She has touched so many lives, that I can't, I won't refuse them this, I won't refuse her this.
The ride is longer than I thought it would be but at the same time not nearly long enough. I know when this car comes to a stop it will mark another moment that makes this all so very real, so very true. Looking in the review mirror I see the other occupants of the car. I can't help but wonder what is going through all of their minds, what's going through everyone's mind. Garcia isn't Garcia. I don't think she will ever be the same again, but that's understandable none of us will. She has lost her best friend, her sister. She lacks her color, her enthusiasm, she simply lacks her. Morgan lost his little sister. He still blames himself and I'm sure will continue to, like we all do, like we all will. Rossi, the straight faced man that loved to challenge her, he admired her so much, like the daughter he never had. Losing her has crushed him in a way I didn't expect. Reid, God poor Reid. She was his big sister. He has lost so much, so many, if this doesn't push him back to dilaudid nothing will. Mental note, keep a close eye on him. Hotch barely survived the death of Haley and now this. He showed so little emotion to begin with and now, now there is a complete lack of life behind his eyes. Lastly the Jareau's, her parents, they have lost their daughter, but then they have been in this position before, different circumstances but still burying their daughter before her time. I have no idea how they survived the first loss and I can't imagine how they will survive this, how any of us will survive this. That's not entirely true they will get through this the same way I will, with his help.
I am pulled out of my thoughts only to realize that the car has come to a stop. And if at all possible I am even more surprised. Before me is a parking lot completely packed with vehicles. I knew where the memorial would take place but I didn't' comprehend what that meant. What that meant was that a place that can easily hold a thousand would actually hold a thousand. Will there actually be a thousand people in there, a thousand people to pay their last respects. The door opens and I see Anderson standing their offering me his hand and a very small smile. I take it and step out. I am again surrounded by family, by my family, our family. We all share a look, a knowing look that speaks volumes, all trying to figure how we ended up here, how this all happened. Us standing here just staring at one another is just too painful to bear, so I take the first step. Walking toward the entrance I stop in my tracks. I begin to feel a pounding in my head and nauseous to my stomach, because it just hit me, I still have to tell my little man that his mommy isn't coming home. I feel panic start to set in, I can't breathe and my knees start to shake and feel weak. I can't do this, how the hell am I suppose to do this, how do I tell him, how do we go on, how do I raise him without his mommy. About to lose my mind I feel some one catch me before I can actually fall.
Looking up I see Hotch with a knowing look in his eyes. He knows what's going on in my mind, he's been here, been exactly where I am. I see his mouth moving, I assume he told them to go ahead that we will catch up because I see them all pass each glancing at me to make sure I was really okay or at least as okay as one can be. Hotch pulls me into a hug, a real hug, so un Hotch like. He continues to hold me for a while. After some time I nearly have my breathing under control he whispers in my ear, "I know what you're thinking Emily. You can do this, I know you can. You are one of the strongest people I know. It hurts, I won't lie and honestly the hurt never really goes away, at least it hasn't for me yet, but it lessens, it does get easier. I promise life does go on, it will take a while but it does go on." I know he is right but right now it is so hard to believe him.
"What do I tell him?" It's all I can muster, the only words that will come out.
"The truth, you tell him the truth." Is it really that simple, it can't be that simple. "You tell him that you love him, that mommy loved and loves him. You tell him what you think he needs to hear but more importantly you need to tell him the truth, tell him in a way he will understand. You may have to tell him over and over again in the beginning, and he may have a lot of questions, questions you don't think you can answer but you need to. He's young but he knows something is up, Jack did. But most important, at least in my opinion, remind him every day of your love for him, for her, tell him about her, be patient with him and just love him. It will all work out I promise you. We are all here to help you, with anything, with everything." God that's a lot to take in that's all I can think of as Hotch slowly pulls away. He places his hand on the small of my back and gives me the slightest of smiles in an attempt to reassure me and off we go to the hardest conversation I will probably ever have.