The Heroes Parody Project
Season 5
Chapter 1
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright its creator, Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, know or represent any of the cast or crew. This fan fiction is written purely for entertainment purposes only so please don't sue.
This holiday season…
Claire grabs her equipment.
The most anticipated movie of...the holiday season…
Claire walks toward the camera, prepared.
The sequel…to one of 2012's blockbuster films…of 2012. Who's writing this?!
Claire: My name is Clairebear Everdeen. And this…is 'The Heroes Games'.
Previously…
Claire is walking around the woods, trying to hunt.
Claire: It sure does stink being poor and living in the slums while your family starves to death. Makes me think of a song.
She puts on a Little Orphan Annie wig.
Claire (singing): It's a hard knock life…for us! It's a hard knock life…for us! 'steada treated…
West: Claire?
Claire: AAAAHHH!
Claire rips off the wig, pulling out some of her own hair.
Claire: AAAHHHH!
Claire spins around.
Claire: It's YOU! What are you doing in the thicket?!
West: I was worried about….wait. Did you just call this a thicket?!
Claire: Yeah. It's a thicket, isn't it?
West: It's more like a woods.
Claire: Same thing.
West: Seriously, who says thicket anymore?
Back at the Everdeen residence.
Lyle (to Claire): Why do I have to play your sister?! I look ridiculous in this getup! And I'm pretty sure the sister didn't have pigtails!
Claire: Oh, Prim…..shut up.
She checks her watch.
Claire: Oh crap! I'm late for Reaping Day!
She joins everyone outside while on stage, Elle walks out wearing ten tons of makeup and sporting a large pink wig.
Elle: I'm Ellie Trinkett and I'd like to say hellooo slumidents!...You know…Slum…residents?...Whatever. Anyway I'm here to announce the new tributes to participate in the 405th Heroes Games!...Or whatever number it is. I can't concentrate because I'm suffering from makeup poisoning.
Elle pulls a name out of the bowl.
Elle: Primrose….
Lyle shoots out of his seat.
Lyle: I VOLUNTEER MY SISTER AS TRIBUTE!
Claire: WHAT?!
Elle: Works for me! Clairbear Everdeen! Come on down!
The Price Is Right music blares throughout the sector as Claire gets pushed to the front.
Claire: Ow! OOF! Stop pushing! Did someone just poke me with something?! I'm bleeding! I'm actually bleeding…AHHH!
Elle: The next tribute is….
Peter: ME! Peter Mallark!
Claire: Peter! What are you doing here?!
Peter: Uh, the guy's name is Peter, of course I'll be filling the role.
Claire: A. It's Peeta. Peeta Mallark.
Peter: Really? Everyone keeps saying that, I just assumed everyone in the movie was British…
Claire: and B. Gross! You know you're my uncle, right? We're supposed to have a fakey on screen love interest in each other later!
Peter: Of course I knew that! That's why I had the writers alter the script a little. Now we're just besties.
Claire: What-ies!?
Peter: Come here, you old hound dog!
Peter puts Claire in a head-lock and starts giving her a noogie.
Claire: AHHHHH! You're bruising my brain bone! STOP IT!
Later,
Lyle: I'm giving you back this pin with the stupid looking bird on it.
Claire: The Mockingjay Pin?! I love it!
Lyle: What? You originally gave that to me. I don't want it! Take it back! Pawn it! I don't care; just get it out of my sight!
A train heads to The Capitol, Clairebear and Peter Mallark stare out the window.
Peter: It's purty! Though not as pretty as the handsome devil on the other side of this window.
Claire: Peter, that's your reflection.
Peter: Well, hello there, handsome devil.
Claire: Ugh…
Meanwhile, Nate-mitch Abernathy bursts in.
Claire: Nate-mitch!? Oh, come on! Now you're just stretching it…
Nathan: Okay, kiddos. This Hunger Games….this is the night….the most important night of your lives! You will die if you're not careful! I and only I know how to save you. Now listen to these words of wisdom.
Nate-mitch barrels over a trash can.
Nathan: BLLLEEEEEHHHHHHHH!
Claire: You…you okay there, buddy?
Nathan: Yes, for you see I…(barrels over) BLEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Later,
Mohinder: Clairebear!
Claire: What?
Mohinder: I'm your fashion stylist personal emotional life coach picker upper…Cinnamon!
Claire: Cinnamon!?
Mohinder: What? Oh, Nate-mitch gets a pass and you're giving me crap for Cinnamon!?
Claire: No, they're both equally stupid names.
Mohinder: You're going to do great, kid!
Claire: But…
Mohinder: GOD! Why are you so whiny!? You're not the only one with problems!
Claire: What?! I thought you were my…forget it. I'm off to the games. Wish me luck!
Mohinder: Oh, it's just all about YOU, isn't it?
Claire: I have GOT to get me a new fashion stylist personal emotional life coach picker upper.
LIVE FROM THE CAPITOL….
Matt: I'm Matthew Parkerman…and THIS….is the 367th HEROES GAMES!
Audience Member: It's the 405th, you nerd!
Matt (points): DEATH!
Someone runs up and bags the audience member, dragging them off.
(Canned applause)
Matt: Anyway, welcome to The Heroes Games, I'm joined by my beautiful co-host….my face. Which special thanks to Ellie Trinket for unknowingly letting me break into her trailer and steal whatever makeup she had lying on the counter.
Elle (in her trailer): WHAT!? Oh that's it….where's my rid wig symbolizing rage? (Notices it's missing). Oh, he's so dead!
Matt: Here she is! The girl who walked through fire and never got burned! Because that's totally catchy!
Claire walks out in a dress and spins around, the dress catches on fire.
Claire: AHHHH!
Two crew members run out and extinguish her.
Matt: Clairebear, here you are….your first Heroes games…..you're burnt to a crisp and standing in front of millions of people in your underwear. How do you feel?
Claire coughs out some soot.
Claire: Like a million bucks, Matthew.
That was last year….today….she faces new challenges. Now your feature presentation. The movie starts….now!
Judge: I hereby find the cast of Heroes GUILTY for copyright infringement. Pay the accusing party 100 million dollars.
Noah: Why are we representing the show in court? Shouldn't the creators or producers or someone else be responsible? I wasn't even in the stupid parody.
Matt (dressed as President Snow, stroking his white beard): Well, maybe if you would have done better at auditions you could have won a role. Like myself.
Elle storms up to Matt dressed as President Snow.
Elle: What the hell is THIS!?
Matt: Uh….
Claire: Are we done now? Can we start our actual show seeing as we probably don't have a budget anymore?
Peter: I agree with Claire. Let's get this show on the road you old hound dog!
Peter headlocks her and starts giving her a noogie.
Claire: AHHHH! OW! STOP THAT DAMMIT!
Judge: Court adjourned!
BANG!
Claire shoots up in her bed, looking around.
Claire: Huh?...Whew….It was all a dream.
Claire's bed stars rising up.
Claire: Wha…WHAT'S GOING ON!?
The bedroom ceiling opens up to a sprawling area leading into forest.
Matt: THE HEROES GAMES HAVE OFFICIALLY BEGUN!
Everybody starts running out getting supplies.
Claire (running): But I haven't brushed my teeth yet!
BANG!
Claire shoots up in her bed, looking around.
Claire: Was it a dream?
Claire grabs her cell phone. She received a message from Peter.
'Claire, it's Pete…'
Claire: Pete!? Nobody calls him Pete.
She continues reading.
'You're right. Nobody does call me Pete. I wonder why.
Claire looks confused for a second.
'Anyway, you may be confused about what's going on. You may have felt you were doing something then it seemed like everything changed. Well, it did. Long story short Linderman had Hiro trapped in a device called Genesis: Redux so he could relive the events of season one to prevent his death without the butterfly effect screwing up the rest of the world. After the solar eclipse which gave Sylar's old assistant Jax the ability to bring back the dead he revived my father, Arthur, and he took control of the device himself. He also had the program set to combine the Redux world and our world into one and make it into the world he wanted. Most of us were going to be dead. I managed to stop him quickly since we didn't have to worry about having a big budget climactic battle since that's our trademark and all.'
Claire nods her head in agreement.
'But I manage to reset our real world the best I could, some people's memories may be a little fuzzy, but they might still remember what happen before the change. So if you were in trouble before, you may still be in trouble now. I'm driving an ambulance!'
Claire: Well, that was a weird transition.
'Anyway, this person probably isn't going to make it if I don't get to the hospital. So I better stop texting. Behold, your brave new world. Thanks to me…Pete!'
Claire: Well, I'm not going to call him Pete. That's for sure.
Claire gets out of bed.
Claire: Did the world change? Last I remember my biological mother was taking me and Mohinder to Samuel Sullivan's carnival. That wasn't fun. But….I'm here now. Maybe this is a new world. Maybe things are finally going to change for the better.
Claire looks over to see The Bennet family dressed in camouflage equipment.
Claire: And how long have you all been standing there watching me talk to myself like a crazy person!? You could have said something!
Sandra: Good morning, dear. We noticed you talking to yourself and we didn't want to bug you.
Lyle: Weirdo.
Noah: Get dressed Claire bear….we're going…
Claire: I'm going to stop you there, dad. We're not going on another vacation; you remembered what happened last time.
Noah: This isn't a vacation….it's work.
Claire: Wo….wo….wo…..wor….What?
Noah: We're going hunting! Duck Dynasty style.
Claire: What the hell did you just say?!
Sandra: We just caught on to it and it's our favorite show. So get your gear on and let's go hunt some ducks. But don't think for one second that Mister Muggles isn't going to be a good duck hunting dog.
Noah: So suit up!
They get out their duck callers and blow into them.
Claire jaw remains dropped.
BANG!
Claire shoots up in her bed.
Claire: It was all a dream.
Noah: No, you passed out and bashed your head on your dresser. Get dressed already!
Claire looks around.
Claire: ….BANG!...bang?...crap…..
As the world turns…
HEROES
A man walks into a room filled with pictures on corkboards. He shuffles through some papers and sits down. He holds up a family picture of D.L Hawkins, Niki Sanders, and Micah Sanders. He continues to look at the picture.
Claire Bennet
The Bennet Home
A few blocks down from the Waffle House built on the Ancient Indian Burial Ground
Claire walks into the kitchen while the Bennet's continue to pack their things.
Claire: Dad?
Noah: Yes, Claire?
Claire: As much as I do enjoy the Bennet Family Theme Weeks…
Noah: Except for last week when it was "The Voice" week. Those spinning chairs almost killed your brother.
Claire: I actually have plans.
Noah: They weren't approved by me, so they're not plans. I have a record of every approved plan written down.
Noah checks his list.
Noah: I last have you checked in…using the potty for the very first time.
Claire: …
Noah: …
Claire: That….sounds….outdated.
Noah: That DOES sound outdated. (Checks his notes). Either you've led a really boring life or you've been doing a LOT of unapproved activities, young lady.
Claire: Hey, that's great. Anyway, I have a job interview to go to.
Noah: A job interview?
Claire: Yes….how did I know that? (It must be one of the things Peter set me up with in my new world….Thanks, Pete! AHH! I called him Pete! I told myself I wasn't going to do that! Well, I'm definitely not doing it anymore. Starting…..NOW).
Noah: You know we're filming right?
Claire: I know that! Anyway, I have a job interview at 3:00 and I wouldn't dare miss it.
Noah: I wouldn't either. Luckily for you we'll be done by noon.
Claire: It's already 11:00!
Noah: No, it's actually 6 am. Thanks to Super Duper Daylight Saving Time.
Claire: I beg your pardon?
Noah: Don't you remember? It's that time of year when we set the clocks back five hours because I…I…I don't know we just do it. Seems like it just started recently….like….today.
Claire: Damn it, Pete!
Noah: Who's Pete?
Claire: Pete…Petrelli?
Noah: Is he somehow affiliated with Peter Petrelli?
Claire: They're….the same guy?
Noah: Why are you calling him Pete?!
Claire: I don't know! It was an accident!
Noah: Well, it's weird. Stop it! Nobody calls him Pete!
Claire: I stopped it! Why are you making such a big deal about it?
Sandra: What's going on, you two?
Noah: Claire just called Peter "Pete".
Sandra: But nobody calls him Pete! Oh, Claire, how could you do this to your family?
Claire: I'm going back to bed.
Elle Bishop
Level 5 Corrections, The New Company
Get four incarcerations on your punch card, get your fifth crime free of charges! Wait…
Elle walks down the corridor past the jail cells of level five. A night stick bangs along the bars as she walks. A janitor is busy scrubbing graffiti off the wall:
Volume Nine "Wonders"
Chapter One "A Clear And Present Stranger"
She stops at the jail cell of…
Elle: Well, well….Mister Samuel Sullivan…
Samuel, in the prison behindher, waves his hand.
Samuel: I'm over here.
Elle: I know…I'm trying not to look stupid. Just play along.
Samuel: Well, you could at least talk to a cell with someone in it.
Elle spins around.
Elle: I'll be asking the questions! What are you doing here?
Samuel: You imprisoned me. I didn't come here on my own free will.
Elle: Well, you're up to something bad. I know it. I can feel it….(points to her chest) in here…..my left lung. The right one is indifferent. But the two of them never did see eye to eye.
Samuel: Your….lungs?
Elle: The right one means well….but he's been problematic ever since he was a child. But under that tough exterior…lies a broken soul with a heart of gold. He feels it too….right in his lungs. The left one.
Samuel: I'm so confused.
Elle: I'll be back, Samuel. We're going to make you talk….at least….I will.
She holds up her arm while electricity surges through it.
Samuel: That's nice.
Elle: It really is. Haven't used it in a while. Our show is incredibly broke.
Samuel: Just be warned, little girl.
Elle: Little!? Wait, was that a complement? If so, thank you. If not, you're a jerk!
Samuel: I know where I came from. I know exactly what happened to me, you, and everybody else.
Elle: L…Losing….interest….can't….hold on….
Samuel: It's not going to be long until I'm freed from this cage. I had a plan set into motion. And don't think Peter Petrelli's little Redux stunt is going to set me back. We're going to pick up exactly where we left off.
Elle: Elle makes her way to the conference room, where fellow agents Sylar and Ted Sprague await her return.
Samuel: ….
Elle: Hmm? Oh! Ha, ha! That was supposed to actually happen. I walk away….because you're boring the crap out of me.
Samuel: I'm in the middle of threatening you! You can't just walk away! That's…just…well, rude!….
Elle: Yeah….about that…..
Elle makes her way to the conference room, where fellow agents Sylar and Ted Sprague await her return.
Ted: How did it go?
Elle: You two are employed here!
Sylar and Ted look at each other.
Sylar: We know…
Elle: He's not talking. But he's up to something bad. We gotta make him talk. So I call torture!
Ted: You could just read his mind….I'm sure somebody we know can do that.
Elle: …Molly Walker.
Sylar: WHAT?! NO!
Ted: What is WITH you people always resorting to her?
Elle: She's useful-ish.
Ted: Let's get Matt Parkman to do the deed. Then if that doesn't work….then torture.
Sylar: Since when did you become all goody goody?
Ted (flashes a card): It's my Karma Kard….if I do 4 good things I get to be an evil bastard on the fifth punch.
Sylar: Awww man, I always lose mine after the 3rd punch.
Elle: Sylar, first off you have never successfully done anything good or evil because you can't decide what team you want to be on.
Sylar: Speaking of which, why am I even here!?
Elle: Second, I call the shots because I'm the Vice Prez…so what I say goes…so move out….so to the torture store!
Niki Sanders
The Sanders Residence
Stop asking about The Damn Colonel!
Niki wakes up to her cell phone buzzing, D.L is asleep next to her.
Niki: Um….….okay.
She grabs her phone and listens to her messages.
Niki: Oh it's Tracy…..she's enjoying her vacation….she sucks. I want to go on a vacation.
D.L wakes up.
D.L: Morning.
Niki: Good morning.
D.L: Um…..is this?
Niki: Don't know. Just running with it.
D.L: Okay….man, the big day is almost here.
Niki: What big day?
D.L: What? You forgot? It's Micah's graduation.
Niki: Graduation….from what?
D.L: Um…school?
Niki: I didn't think grade schools had big graduations.
D.L: He's 18! He's graduating from high school.
Niki: WH…WHAT!?
D.L: How have you not known this? Where have you been? I've been in prison and even I knew how old he was.
Niki: But he's been 10 for the last eight years! What's happening around here?
D.L: It's okay; we have plenty of time for it. Was that your sister?
Niki: Yeah….she's on vacation, looks like she won't be joining…
Niki stops dead in her tracks, as Tracy is standing in their bedroom doorway.
Niki: …us…?
D.L: Um….hey….Tracy.
Tracy walks in and stands over.
Tracy: Hello sister of mine…..we never met before.
Niki and D.L exchange looks.
Niki: I'm pretty sure we have. They've all been under stilly circumstances so I don't blame you if you want to forget.
Tracy: I died the other day.
Niki and D.L exchange looks again.
Niki: Uh….you…look….pretty alive to me, unless we have another Linderman situation on our hands…ha ha…ha….that's not funny, why am I laughing?...So….Tracy….what's this all about? You're kinda giving me the creeps.
Tracy: Why are you calling me Tracy…..?
Niki: ….
D.L: …..
Tracy: My name is Barbara. I'm your sister.
Niki: GURK!
D.L: UHHH….
Niki: Hey, since we're having a big happy family reunion let's give Tracy a call.
Niki dials her number, holding up a finger to "Barbara".
Niki: One sec.
The phone in Barbara's pocket rings.
Barbara: I was wondering why this was ringing.
She takes the phone out and crushes it with her hand.
Niki: Ooh….that's….interesting. Hope you aren't under contract. Because phones….
D.L: Yeah. Phones!
Niki: Very expensive without a contract. Very expensive. Um….however, you can have my phone. There's not many minutes left and the reception is terrible and text messages always send to random strangers but it does dispense bubblegum out the back. It's delicious! See? (Pops one in her mouth). MMMM, hard as a rock! I just lost a crown on my tooth. You can have that if you want it. Aren't we just the best of friends you don't want to cause physical harm to?
She turns to D.L.
Niki: I have kind of a bad feeling about this.
D.L: YOU THINK!?
Barbara: There's only one thing I want.
She holds out her arm as a large kitchen knife flies into her hand.
Barbara: And that's to slit both your throats.
Niki: OH MY GLOB!
D.L grabs Niki and pull her close to him, they both fall through the bed as Barbara plunges the knife into the mattress. D.L and Niki fall through the ground and into the basement, slamming on the ground.
Niki: OOF!...Oh….man, I'm glad we have a basement.
D.L: What the hell was that?!
Niki: That….was….Barbara!
D.L: I know that!…Where's Tracy?
Niki: Well….she had her phone. So my long lost sister killer her OR…..
D.L: Is….Barbara….Tracy's "Jessica"?
Niki: (Shudder), I certainly hope not.
Barbara flings the door open to the basement.
Niki: WAIT! Don't kill us! We'll pay you….with….jokes! (To D.L) Quick! Tell me a joke!
D.L: I don't know any jokes!
Tracy: Niki! Are you guys okay?!
Niki and D.L scoot back slowly.
Tracy: Don't worry, it's me.
D.L: How do we know that?
Tracy: You're still breathing.
Niki: That's an acceptable excuse.
D.L: I agree.
Tracy: I think we have a problem.
Niki: Did you bring me back anything from your vacation?
D.L: Really..?
The Bennet family Chrysler Sedan pulls into the forest. They get out at their camp.
Claire: This is ridiculous! How are we supposed to pull off this family outing in this thicket and be finished by the time my interview starts?
Noah grabs Claire's shoulders.
Noah: Clairebear….do you trust me?
Claire: What?
Noah: Do you trust me?
Claire (looks suspicious): I….guess….yeah.
Noah: Good. Because I accidentally mistook Super Duper Daylight savings time for this week when it was actually next week. Your interview starts in 5 minutes.
Claire: GUFFUH!?
Noah: Now that THAT'S out of the way. You two kids….did you just call this place a thicket?
Claire: (sigh)….yes….
Noah: Weird….anyway, you two kids set up the tent. Ma and I….
Sandra: And Muggles, the bestest huntin dog in all the west!
Noah: Grand….we will get food.
Claire: I'm getting the feeling that we're….just hunting and camping.
Noah: Duck Dynasty style. Ducks Assemble!
Lyle and Sandra pull out their duck callers and blow into them along with Noah.
Claire: Okay, hold the phone. Have you guys even seen the show?
Noah: Claire! Are you doubting our family's time in front of the television?
Claire: Uh…yeah…I kinda am.
Sandra: Oh, Claire! How could you do this to your family?
Claire: I mean…I've seen the damn show. They don't go out and hunt all the time and blow into duck callers. They sit around, on their butts, making duck callers while going on crazy misadventures and ending every episode with a huge family dinner that I don't buy AT ALL. It's like they have Thanksgiving every day. Nope, real families don't act like that at all. They're not normal like our family.
She turns to Lyle.
Claire: Did you just cut off one of my ears with your pocket knife?!
Lyle: Relax, it'll grow back….I need a candy dish for my M&M's.
Claire: My ears aren't that big! (PUNCH!)
Lyle: OW!
Claire: And…gross….
Lyle: She acts like I'm not going to sterilize it first.
Claire finds a note pinned to a tree.
Claire-
This is your father; we left in the middle of your rant about how you're not a real member of the family because you disapprove of Duck Dynasty. Went to find food. You two better have that tent set up by the time we get back or you're not a real member of the family.
-Dad
Claire: Why doesn't Lyle get in trouble for this?
She looks back down at the note.
And don't bring your brother into this. He's a good boy. Isn't that right, Mr. Muggles?
-Mom
WOOF!
-Muggles
Hey! Give me all your money!
-Robber
What are you, an idiot!? We're in the middle of the woods!
-Dad
Don't antagonize him, Noah! Just give him something!
-Mom
I don't negotiate with terrorists!
-Dad
Whoa, man! That's a little extreme! I just wanna steal your wallet, use the cash to get some booze and rack up your credit card for an ipad or something….sheesh!
-Robber
I don't have any money! So get lost!
-Dad
Then I'm taking the girl!
-Robber
Claire looks up from the note, she finds herself tied up in a tent with the robber.
Robber (to Claire): I took you.
Claire: Man, I really need to work on my awareness….
Niki, D.L and Tracy run out of the house and to the house next to theirs.
D.L: Why are we running again? The killer is travelling with us!
Niki: I don't know! I need to get help…or something.
Niki runs up to the door and pounds on it. Matt answers.
Matt: Hey, it's Nik…
Niki grabs the door and slams it shut.
Niki: Wrong house.
Matt (opening the door): Oh, Niki, you crazy gal. (To Tracy and D.L) We go way back. Man….all our adventures over the years.
-Flashback-
Matt turns to Niki in their top down convertible.
Matt: Ready, Thelma?
Niki: Ready, Louise!
-Wait-
Niki: Do you seriously think I'm going to let you set up a pointless Thelma and Louise flashback that never happened without me ramming my fist through your windpipe?!
Matt: Okay…okay…So, our adventures…
-Resume-
Matt: Let's do this!
Matt drives the car into the car wash.
Niki: Um….why aren't we plummeting to our deaths?
Matt: Never finished the movie.
Niki: You stopped watching at the car scene? That was the very end of the movie!
Matt: Yeah, I'm really bad about that.
Niki: At least put the top up! We're going into a car wash!
Matt: Doesn't have one.
Niki: WHAT!?
Water starts spraying on them.
Niki: AHHHHH!
Matt: AHHHH!
Niki: Dammit, Matt! I'm getting soaked!
Matt: Help! My neckerchief is absorbing the water and strangling me! I can't breathe!
Niki: Good!
The start getting sprayed with soap.
Niki (spitting): AHHH! YUCK! Who the hell drives into a car wash with the top down?!
Matt: The Rich! (spits out soap)
Niki: Now it's in my eyes, which are now burning. This day….I swear….
Matt: BRUSH!
Two giant blue brushes slam against them.
Niki: OW! Oh….oh man this sucks…
Matt: We're okay….we're about to be dried off with the industrial driers.
FWWWOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Niki hair is standing on end while Matt's dress flies up over his head.
Matt: Well, isn't this a fine "how do you do".
Niki: Just drive the damn car!
Matt: Okay…Okay….we're clear…..we're clear….we made it to the end.
Matt puts the car into reverse and slams on the gas, sending the car back into the wash.
Niki: NOOOO!
-End Plot Helping Flashback-
Meanwhile, Elle, Sylar and Ted arrive at…
Elle: Bed, Bath, and BeyAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! The world's most popular retail chain specializing in Torture Craft! OOH! They're having a Fall Clearance Sale on Iron Maidens! SCORE!
Sylar (to Ted): I want to know the name of the bank that approved the loan to open this type of place.
Elle: Excuse me, sir? Do you have anything for me?
Clerk: I'm sure we can find something. What kind of torture device are you looking for?
Elle: Anything that you can ring up and give me the "bubbly and super cute discount".
She twirls her finger in her hair until it's completely pulled out of her scalp and wrapped around her finger.
Sylar and Ted: UH!
Elle: Relax, it's just hair extensions.
She grabs with two hands and starts pulling down many feet of hair.
Ted: Are they Clown Hair Extensions?
She finishes pulling out her hair and reveals…
Elle: Yup. Totally rockin' the pixie cut. Makes me more bubbly and super cuter than usual, huh?
Sylar: I don't know. People are just going to confuse you for Daphne Millbrook.
Elle: Hmm. Good point.
Elle puts her fingertips to her head and jolts electricity, her hair grows back to its normal length.
Elle: Good as new!
Sylar: Bodies don't work like that!
Elle: Bodies do too work like that! I do it ALL the time!
Sylar: Prove it.
Elle looks at him smugly.
Elle, Sylar and Ted drive away from the torture store all sporting long, luxurious hair.
Sylar: Okay, Elle gets a point.
Elle: I always get the points!
Noah and Sandra are marching through the woods.
Sandra: Noah! I can't believe you let our daughter get kidnapped in the Season Premiere! I can't believe you'd do this to our family!
Noah: Not now, Sandra.
Sandra: Look! There's the robber's tent! We need to save our daughter. Ducks Assemble!
She holds up Muggles who has a Duck Caller in his mouth. He blows into it. Panicking, Noah clamps his hand over Muggles mouth.
GULP!
Noah: Uh oh…
Sandra lets out a very long gasp.
Sandra: What did you do?!
Muggles: WHACK!...WHACK! WHACK!
Sandra: AHHHHHHH!
Noah: SHHHHH!
Sandra: You broke my Muggles!
She slaps Noah several times in the arm.
Noah: Would you be quiet?! He's fine!
Sandra: FINE!? He's not fine! He's broke! This is how my first Muggles died! He choked to death on a duck caller!
Noah: For starters, it wasn't a duck caller….it was a Kazoo. And second….
Sandra: It's the same thing!
Noah: The Duck Dynasty fan club isn't going to appreciate THAT comment.
Sandra: I have to get him to an ER.
Noah: Now?! The dog isn't dead and our daughter is in that tent!
Sandra: I have faith you'll save her. I have to get back to camp. This conversation isn't over, mister!
Noah: Thanks for the warning.
Inside the tent, Claire wakes up wearing a giant beard.
Claire: Why am I wearing a giant beard?
Robber (shrugging): I don't know. It was in your backpack.
Claire: Yeah, I wouldn't be in this mess if my family didn't watch Duck Dynasty.
Robber: Seriously? Duck Dynasty is one of my favorite shows!
Claire: Of course it is…
Noah jumps through the tent and pulls a gun on the robber.
Noah: Freeze! You are going to pay seriously for taking my daughter. I can't do anything at the moment, but if you can meet me at this address in 5-7 business days my Haitian friend would like a word with you.
Robber: No, it's okay. Sorry for stealing your daughter. I never met a family so dedicated to the brilliance that is Duck Dynasty! You are the coolest dad I ever met!
Noah: Oh, well, thanks. Say, you look like a nice young chap….
Claire: Dad!
Noah: The family is about to eat a giant family feast in the middle of the woods to commemorate this week's family adventure….right after my wife gives our dog the Heimlich maneuver. You should join us!
Claire: Seriously?
Noah: Sure, the more the merrier! That's what The Torkelsons would say.
Claire: THE TORKELSONS!? Okay, now I'm officially convinced none of you have seen the show…
Mohinder Suresh takes a sip of his tea.
Mohinder: Very interesting.
Niki: We haven't told you our problem yet. (motioning to Matt) And why are you two still living together?
Mohinder: It's where we ended up after the fall of Genesis: Redux. We both have skills that makes this team work efficiently. I'm the brilliant scientist, solving the world's most difficult equations….and he brings in the dough at his lucrative high paying job. It works.
Niki looks at Matt.
Matt (whispering): I haven't worked in MONTHS…
Niki: Well, I'm away from you two and I have my family back so I'm pretending in my mind that this whole Redux nonsense was for my benefit and it was a roaring success. Go me!
Mohinder: Well, luckily we did end up as your next door neighbors. Which if you could spare it, we could use a cup of sugar. Money's been a little tight lately.
Mohinder leans over to Niki.
Mohinder (whispering): I don't think Matt has worked in MONTHS…
Matt (leaning over, whispering): He's right.
Niki: Would you both shut up?! I have a problem.
Mohinder: It's an extraordinary problem. An extraordinary problem indeed.
Niki: I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU YET!
Niki takes a breath.
Niki: This is Tracy.
Tracy waves. Mohinder and Matt wave back.
Matt: We met her, didn't we?
Niki: Remember when I had my little problem with "Jessica"?
Matt: You had problems? She threw me out a window!
Niki: Get over it, that happened forever ago.
Matt: But…it stung.
Niki: Our sister, Barbara, just recently passed away. And now Tracy….is having the same issue.
Matt and Mohinder look at Tracy.
Mohinder: The same issue?
Niki: Yes….as I.
Matt: ….?
Niki: Tracy, has her own Jessica.
Matt: Aw, I wish I had my own Jessica. So much revenge….
Niki: Barbara is dead and now her whatever is inside Tracy, she transforms into her and we all die.
Mohinder: Does she have any abilities?
Niki: Sure, since that's relevant.
She looks at D.L.
Niki: Was it telekinesis?
D.L: That she used shortly before attempting to stab us with the knife. Yeah.
Mohinder: Okay, I'll take your case.
Niki: Our case?
Mohinder: You guys better stay here for now just to be safe.
Niki: Um…
Mohinder: We'll get right on this RIGHT after the graduation. I can't believe Micah and Molly are already graduating high school. They grow up so fast.
Niki: How am I the last person to know about this?
Tracy: When is the graduation?
Matt: In a few weeks.
Tracy: Good…real good.
Niki and D.L exchange looks.
Tracy: Then you'll have plenty of time to attend my funeral.
Matt: You….you're um…..dead?
Tracy looks at Matt and smiles.
Tracy: Yes, Matt Parkman, I am dead.
Matt: You look good for dead.
Tracy: Ha ha….thank you. You're a sweet boy; I may have to spare your life.
Tracy hops out of her seat, everyone is taken aback.
Barbara: Don't be late!
Barbara puts her arms forward, clasping her hands together. She then swings her arms out as Mohinder, Matt, D.L and Niki flying back from the table.
D.L (slamming against a wall): URK!
Niki (kitchen counter): ACK!
Mohinder (landing on the couch): OOF!
Matt (crashing through the coffee table): OW!...That's gonna hurt my back padding….
Barbara jumps up and flies upward, crashing through the roof of the house. She flies off into the distance.
D.L: She can fly now?...That's just great.
Matt (slowly sitting up): Do….we have to bring a dish?…..I haven't cooked…in MONTHS…
Niki sighs and drops her head on the kitchen counter.
Elle runs down the corridor of Level 5. She stops at an empty cell.
Elle: GASP! He's gone!
Samuel: Behind you. How do you keep forgetting this? I'm your only prisoner!
Elle: Just making sure you didn't fly the coop. I have plenty in store for you, my friend.
Samuel: As do I…..
Elle: Bring it.
Samuel: I will.
Elle (walking away): Good.
Samuel: Good.
Elle: Very good.
Samuel: Can't wait.
Elle (opening the door): Neither can I.
Samuel: You're not getting the last word in.
Elle (closing the door): Yes I will.
Samuel: No you won't.
Elle (thinking to herself): I'll use reverse psychology.
Elle: …..(closes the door).
Elle starts to walk off.
Elle: AHH! He still got in the last word! CRAP!
Noah enters the building.
Elle: Mr. B! You're back from your family thing!
Noah: It was nice. We camped, Claire got kidnapped, we had a delicious meal we stole from a nearby camp when that family wasn't looking, the dog almost died. Typical Bennet family outing.
Elle: We have a prisoner! And he didn't escape!
Noah: That's good…
Sylar and Ted walk up, still sporting long, luxurious hair.
Noah: And what the hell is this?!
Sylar: This moron has been following me all day and now our hair is tangled! I hope you're happy!
Ted: Of course I'm not!
Noah: I think I should get started on the next vacation.
Samuel is sitting in his cell, his eyes turn "mental telepathy" white, which has a slightly darker hue than "let's paint the future" white.
Samuel: AHH! What's going on?! Oh…wait….I have someone on my payroll who can do this….
He sits and listens to voices in his head.
Samuel: Yes…..the plan is still in motion. I am aware you lost the girl and the scientist. Get them back. As for me….well….get me out of here. Lydia and Edgar will take care of everything.
Claire runs into the bathroom back at her house.
Claire: Dad was wrong! The time change did happen! I can still make my interview for the job that I didn't know I applied for!
Claire brushes her teeth and finishes getting ready, she bolts out of the door before getting hit by an ambulance.
Claire: …ow….irony….how I hate thee…..
Peter jumps out of the ambulance.
Peter: Claire! Holy crap! Claire, are you alright?
Claire: Just a scratch.
Claire pops her mangled arms and legs back into place.
Peter: Let me give you a ride to the hospital! Actually….
Peter runs back to the ambulance and resets his "Days gone without hitting cheerleaders" counter back to zero.
Peter: I'll hit double digits one day.
Claire: Peter….I'm okay…just…can you give me a ride to my job interview?
Peter: One ride coming up!
Claire: Thank you, Pete…
Peter: What did you just call me?
Claire: Oh come one, you're the one who started that!
Peter drops Claire off in front of the building. She runs inside.
Claire: Hi! Is anybody here? I'm here for a job interview! I don't know what the job is…but I know I'm just supposed to be here.
Voice: You're right on time, Claire.
Claire sits down in the chair at the desk. The chair on the other side reveals Hiro.
Hiro: I have the perfect job for you, indeed, Claire.
Claire: ….
Hiro nonchalantly points to his face.
Claire slowly pulls the Duck Dynasty beard off her face.
Mohinder (voice over): A new world….a second chance. To right our previous wrongs. And to change our future….
Matt (cleaning up): You're seriously doing this now? (Sweeps parts of the broken coffee table under the rug)
Mohinder: SHH!...(voice over) These are the dawn of new days….
Samuel looks out the window in his cell.
Mohinder: Many remember their old world….though memories fade…
Isaac Mendez is drawing on a sketch pad while sitting on the roof of a tall building.
Mohinder: New memories must be made….though some have intentions that are not so pure…
Barbara puts her things in Tracy's desk and walks into Nathan's office.
Mohinder: …lives will go on, the past…will need to catch up…
Angela Petrelli reads a letter, and pulls out a photo of the original first generation of heroes.
Mohinder: The present….prepares for its future….
Micah sits on his bed…holding his graduation cap in his hand. He gets up and walks down the hall, passing an old family photo of him, Niki and D.L. This photo is also in the hands of a man sitting in a chair in a large office.
Mohinder: The future….
The young man continues to look at the picture. He turns his attention to the corkboard on the wall. A young woman walks to his side.
Mohinder: ...is a clear and present danger…as it always is.
Matt: Aaaand….none of that makes sense….
Niki: As it always does…..Wait….Why am I cleaning your stupid house!? Let's go, D.L.
She drops the two bags of trash she was carrying. D.L takes the dishes out of the cabinet and dumps them back into the sink. They both leave the house.
To Be Continued…