it's funny, really.
they train you for it, they give you examples, hell there was even a low budget film they made them watch one day.
but you're still not ready for it.
you're still not ready for the burn of the phaser, or for cold that settles in right down into your bones.
you're not ready for the way your crew try to help, try to do anything but deep down know they can't, because bad luck is your middle name and you're not gonna get back to the ship in time, not this time.
and you're not ready for the way that your husband's ring still shines when his hands are covered in your blood, because he's not letting you go jim, you hear me you son of a bitch, i'm not letting you go.
and yeah, there was a film and a lecture and all the warnings star fleet can give in the world, but there's still no way to prepare you for the look on his face when you tell him that you're tired, that you need to sleep, that you need him there that one last time while you close your eyes, because you could never get to sleep without his arms around you, not since you fell into them that first time.
there's no way to prepare you for the way his voice will break when he talks, when he forces out that yeah, yeah okay darlin', you sleep. it- it's okay to sleep now.
and you will.
you'll sleep.
but you won't be ready for it.