Annie was different, she was quieter, she was barely doing anything. She was simply sitting with Eve in her arms quietly. She barely spoke and she wasn't even making tea anymore. Hal and Tom were at their wits end, neither of them wanted to ask her what was wrong, but they couldn't just know. They knew a lot about Annie but she wasn't always one to talk. Sometimes she was very quiet and that was hard. It was difficult because she acted like the strong one all the time and when she wasn't it scared all around her. Eventually Tom convinced Hal that he should ask her, on the grounds that he had centuries of experience in being sensitive and nice, while he was just a rough modern boy. Hal was certain that was just an excuse but he agreed to it.
"Annie?" Hal's voice was soft and uncertain. He had spent so long speaking only to vampires, and 50 odd years mostly only talking to Leo and Pearl that he was still uncertain how he was supposed to talk to others. Annie was a ghost like Pearl but that was the only thing she had in common. He wasn't sure how to tackle this. He decided to just outrightly ask. "Tom and I have noticed that you have been quieter and somewhat unlike yourself today," he commented. "What is it that is bothering you?"
Annie sniffed. "I'm just being silly," she said, softly. "Being as old as he was, Mitchel didn't really have a birthday, of course," she commented. "I'm sure you don't celebrate a birthday…" she added, realising that Hal was, of course, considerably older than Mitchell had been. In many ways it didn't seem like he was. He seemed a lot younger because of his uncertainty. "But I insisted on having a date that he would celebrate…" Almost silently, she added, "Today…"
"I am sorry," Hal said. He never knew Mitchell, but he knew how important he had been to Mitchell. He didn't know what the best thing to say in this situation was.
"I just hate it," Annie said, suddenly, her voice slightly louder now. "I hate everything about it. He wasn't a monster. He wasn't. He seemed like one, and I messed up. I messed up so fucking much and I'm…" her voice cracked, "I'm the reason he's dead, I just know I am."
"Annie…" Hal wanted to say soemthing reassuring about how he didn't believe that was the case, but Annie didn't give him a chance to get any further.
"He begged me, he pleaded me not to report him. This was too big for the police. And of course it was," Annie continued, barely aware of who she was talking to. It was more to herself than to Hal. "I refused to see it, I thought a simple human punishment could work with him. I would stay with him and we would be fine in the end. But it killed him. Because Vampires aren't above human emotion but they are above human law," she sighed, there were tears in her eyes, which were clouded over. Hal understood that well, Annie wasn't really here, she was back, lost in the day of Mitchell's death. She was lost, seeing it over and over again. He wanted to bring her back to the present, to help her understand that, while it hurt, at least it was over. "He hated himself. He hated himself and he thought he wasn't worth anything, he thought he deserved to die. He thought he couldn't be a good person again." Her eyes darkened and she turned to Hal in pure anger. "And where the /fuck/ were the likes of you? The people who could've helped him. All you fucking vampires who think you're above everyone. You're a joke, you can't even help your own, you do nothing." She stood up, glaring down at Hal with a level of detest that he had never seen in her again. "What right to you have to be here when Mitchell is dead? What right do any of you have? Everything in your past? I know nothing of it, but I can guarantee it is a million times worse than what Mitchell did. Mitchell was trying, Mitchell was a good person, Mitchell made one fucking mistake, one…" the anger faded, once again replaced by desperation and sadness. "mistake that cost him everything. He had no one who could help him. No one to keep him clean. He had nothing but people taunting him out. He wasn't even that old. Not compared to the likes of you. You," Annie pointed an accusative finger at Hal. "You should be dead rather than him. You- You…"
Annie trailed off, and in all honesty Hal had been expecting it. The emotions within her were a train wreck. They were coursing through her at a speed she couldn't explain or understand. She had never had a chance to grieve for Mitchell properly. She had been thrown into turmoil straight after his death, never having long enough to actually grieve. And now it was all racing through her. Anger, bargaining, depression. A number of the stages hit her all at once. As soon as she trailed off, she broke down. Hal stood carefully and awkwardly wrapped his arms around her. He wasn't much one for physical contact but this wasn't about him. He could tell that Annie needed. She all but collapsed against him. Hal gently lead her back to the sofa, making her sit, sitting with his arm around her. Annie sniffed, trying to control her tears.
"I just miss him so much," she whispered, her voice broken and childlike. Hal was now glad that it was him rather than Tom that had come to her. Tom didn't need to see Annie like this. He knew Tom looked at Annie as a pillar of strength, that didn't need to be shattered. Hal stroked her hair gently, keeping his other arm around her. "It was never meant to be like this, it wasn't… It was just a house. It was just… Just three people sharing a house. It wasn't supposed to turn into anything else. It wasn't supposed to turn into a horror story…"
Hal whispered soothingly, "I know," he wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. He didn't think there was honestly anything he could say that would help her here, she just needed someone to hold her and listen.
"I want him back," Annie whispered, fresh tears falling silently. "I want to be able to apologise. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I want him to know I love him. I want him… I just want to hold him… I want to make him better. I… I…" she closed her eyes, letting the tears fall.
"I'm certain he knows, Annie," Hal said gently. "I'm certain he doesn't blame you for the way things turned out, it was just circumstance."
"He didn't deserve it, none of us deserved it," Annie said. "Sometimes… I wish I wasn't stuck here."
"Annie…" Hal's tone was worried.
"Live long enough and all you do is see everyone die around you," Annie said. Her voice was quiet and yet it was clear she meant every word of it. "After I died I thought I had lost everything, but the truth was I got another chance. I got to have another life. I found love, friends, a family with Mitchell, George and Nina. And I've lost all of them and I'm still dead. I'm the one who died first and I'm the one who's still here. I hate it. I never wanted to die, but without them I don't want to be here."
Hal nodded in understanding. Of course he understood that. "Just know that you will join them one day," he told her. It was the closest thing to reassuring that he could say. Annie didn't say anything else, she just leaned against him, glad to have someone there. Her tears didn't let up and she made no attempt to try and stop them. "Annie?" Hal said, gently after a long while. She looked up at him through watery eyes. "I think you should hold a service in Mitchell's memory. Like a funeral but more subtle, without a church."
Annie's eyes widened. She wiped her eyes and slowly sat up properly. "Hal tha- that's a wonderful idea," she replied.
Annie became somewhat obsessed. She was determined to have the service the next day and of course when Annie was determined to do something, it generally happened. She thought it was about time Mitchell had a proper send off and she hated that she had never had the idea herself. Of course, she had never had the chance to really think about it. But at least Hal had been there to plant the seed for her to let grow. Annie found herself sitting in the kitchen writing a speech as she waited for the kettle to boil. She wanted to continue as normal, and normal for Annie of course, involved making tea without caring if anyone else wanted to drink tea. More tears fell as she was writing, but she was a lot calmer. Her mine was reflective, regretful, sad. She didn't call Hal or Tom once she had made the tea, she just left the cups there in the kitchen before sitting at the table, losing herself in the notebook she was writing in.
She didn't move for hours. Hal and Tom moved in the kitchen around her. For food or – in Hal's case – just to check her. Neither spoke though, neither wanted to break her from her concentration, and she didn't move until she had finished. When she read though it she cried more. She wasn't sure if it was good, but in all honesty she didn't care. It said what she needed to say. And it was for Mitchell, at the end of the day nothing else mattered.
The day past quickly and the next day Annie took Hal and Tom to the water front. The truth was Bristol would probably have been a better option. It was the place she had met them, the place they had lived when it was good, for that while when they had kidded themselves that they could be happy. But Annie couldn't bring herself to go there, she couldn't bring herself to show Hal and Tom somewhere where she had been with Mitchell. The water's edge in Wales would have to do. And it was good enough. Looking out it was like it was never ending and there was something haunting and yet calming about that. Tom held Annie's hand as she looked out over the water, squeezing it gently. Eventually she turned back to them, giving a small, clearly forced smile before beginning.
"You all know why we're here," she spoke as though she was addressing a large number rather than just two. "We're here to remember the live and mourn the passing of John Mitchell," she was forcing herself to speak evenly, like a vicar at a funeral, but that type of detachment wasn't possible. This meant to much to her. "There's a lot that could be said about Mitchell," Annie shook her head and though to clear than and pulled a folded up piece of paper out of her pocket. Her speech. She had prepared this and yet she wasn't prepared. This was saying goodbye and that seemed like an impossible concept.
"Mitchell. John Mitchell. And yet the name John was never you was it? John, such an ordinary name. Boring even, and you, Mitchell, you were anything but were you? I don't think it would be possible for you to be normal, to be boring. But that was what you were aiming for wasn't it? You wanted to be a normal person. You wanted a 9-5 job, you wanted a house with a housemate, you wanted normality, you wanted to be human," Annie began and quickly she lost herself in the speech. "I understand, Mitchell, I understand that. We all wanted the same. Me, you and George. Even Nina. None of us chose this life and none of us wanted it. Each other was the only real good thing we could out of it, and that was good. Yes there were problems and yes there were a lot of them. But we had each other. We had each other, we loved each other, supported each other and maybe it wasn't conventional, and maybe it wasn't normal, it certainly wasn't human, but it was a family. And it's the closest any of us were ever going to have.
"People say things happen because they are meant to happen, I've had a lot of time to think about that and I still don't know how I feel. Were Owen and I together so that he could kill me? That's horrific, but if that had to happen to lead to meeting you maybe it's not so horrific. I don't know what to think anymore, Mitchell. I don't know what to feel. I don't understand this world we got thrown into. I don't want to. I want normality back. I want it back the way it started, when the three of us were first in that house. Maybe I'm using rose tinted glasses, I don't know, but it felt good. There was laughter, there were good times. Maybe we were fooling ourselves or maybe we actually were happy…"
Annie trailed off for a moment, swallowing before continuing, "Somewhere in that time I fell in love. I never planned in. I never planned to be a ghost falling in love with a vampire. But it happened. Do I regret it? No. I regret the pain. I regret everything that happened. I regret that it couldn't work out. I regret that I couldn't help you. But love? I don't think there is a force in this universe that could make me regret falling in love. I love you, Mitchell, whatever you did, whatever you thought, you deserved that. You deserved to be loved, you deserved to be happy, you deserved the change. I'm sorry Mitchell. I'm sorry for everything I did, I'm sorry for not understanding, I'm sorry for causing the spiral of events leading to your death. I'm sorry for every stupid little thing. If I could change it and stop this I would, but I can't so just let me tell you that I'm sorry. I am so sorry and I love you so much."
Annie blinked, bringing herself back to the present and folded up the paper again. She looked around, out to sea, then at Hal and Tom, but then just focused on the distance. "John Mitchell was not a bad person. He was not a monster. Mitchell was a man who made mistakes, a man who couldn't control his thirst, he was a man who couldn't fight anymore. John Mitchell had his humanity pulled away from him but he tried with every ounce of his being to cling on to it, he was determined to be human. He fought for that. And in the end he lost. There is a lesson in this. The lesson is that the good guys don't always win. Jekyll had to die to stop Hyde, as Mitchell died to stop himself doing anything worse. Good people do bad things, that doesn't make them bad."
She went quiet and turned to the sea, whispering, "If you're there, Mitchell, remember me," before turning back to Hal and Tom. The smile on her face was small, barely noticeable but it was there and it was real. She felt calm, this service had helped. There was a level of closure in it which she was grateful for.
"Well said," Hal said, calmly, smiling reassuringly at her.
"Mitchell'd be proud," Tom commented, causing a tear to roll down Annie's face,
"Thank you," she whispered, looping her arm around Hal's, smiling at Eve in Tom's arms, before walking from the water's edge. "And now, we continue."