A/N: I'm not entirely sure what category to put this in, as it is such a wacky cross-over. You're finally seeing a bit of it, but this is almost all I have written so far. It will be a bit confusing until more ends are tied up. The elements of this crazy cross-over include: Harry Potter, some elements from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and Les Miserables; all the properties of their respective owners, including, but not limited to: J.K. Rowling, Douglas Adams and/or his estate, George Lucas, Gene Roddenberry, the BBC, and the long dead Victor Hugo (as Les Mis is in the public domain!)
Characters appearing in this installment:
From Harry Potter: Harry, Petunia, Dudley, Cornelius Fudge, McGonagall, Dumbledore, Sprout, Hagrid, Flitwick, Snape, Tonks, Rita Skeeter, Voldemort, Lily Evans
From HhGttG: none here, unless you count those intelligent life forms that were saying "So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish!".
From Star Wars: Darth Vader, Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda, Mace Windu
From Star Trek: none... yet!
From Doctor Who: The 11th Doctor, Amy Pond, Rory Williams, some alternate incarnation of the Master
From Les Misérables: Marius Pontmercy, Cosette, Eponine, Jean Valjean, Enjolras, Grantaire
It was a relatively normal day on Privet Drive, or at least it seemed that way, considering that the owl traffic had quieted down (maybe the freaks had finally decided not to be so insistent on contacting Harry Potter)
Circumstances, however, were about to get extremely weird, not that the Dursleys knew that.
Since the owls had stopped coming, Petunia thought it was safe to let Harry out in the yard to weed her precious flowerbeds, and he was busy doing so. His aunt was sipping a diet cola within the air-conditioned house, and Dudley was watching some superhero program on the telly.
Meanwhile, at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, the headmaster had stumbled, dazed looking, into an unofficial meeting the four heads of house were having regarding dormitory policies. Sprout gazed up at him, concern written across her face.
"There's been a disaster. The Minister wants us to regroup in the Great Hall."
"A disaster?" there was a low conversation in various tones of astonishment among the four teachers.
"Yes," said Cornelius Fudge from the floo. There were a few expressions of surprise that the Minister of Magic bothered to floo the teachers of Hogwarts school. "There's been the issue with the porpoises recently, and then one of our chaps from the Department of Mysteries…" His jovial tone trailed off and he did not explain what it was about the Department of Mysteries.
"I thought it was dolphins," interjected Flitwick, who, like the rest of them, was not yet moving from his seat. But the Minister's image flickered out and he did not answer the question.
"Oh dear," murmured Pomona Sprout, and she rose from her chair.
Snape grumbled "What is it this time?" but got up anyhow, and McGonagall was at her Headmaster's side before they knew quite what was happening.
"We'll have to meet in the Great Hall," reiterated Dumbledore, looking quite as though he hadn't recovered from whatever devastation he had just witnessed.
"But what are we meeting for? Dolphins or porpoises aren't known to be particularly magical, and why should we care about what happened to a single member of the Department of Ministries? Albus?"
"Severus!" rejoined Albus in a suddenly severe tone. "It is a disaster which we cannot fix readily. It may be that Voldemort is on the rise again."
The dour man shuddered slightly, involuntarily and fell back a bit from the head of the group. So it was that he was far more easily stopped by a man in a tweed suit and a bowtie, brandishing some odd sort of gadget.
"'S your name Severus Snape by any chance? I heard him call you Severus." The stranger asked.
Severus Snape was so taken aback that he actually answered the question. "Yes—" but he immediately then regained his senses and asked "—What are you doing inside of Hogwarts, and who are you?"
"Mmm. Your mum wasn't this annoying. Nice lady really. Ah. Yes. I'm the Doctor—don't diss the bowtie, and things are about to get a bit weird, but you've got to trust me, because I'm probably gonna have to tell you to run at some point soon. That's Amy and Rory down the hall; don't mind them, they'll be fine here, but I do have a bit of bad news for you."
"What!" asked Snape in confusion at the wild young man and then settled upon the first concern in the tirade. "You're too young to have met my—wait, are you a time traveler?"
"Exactly! Oh, Pond, he picks up wonderfully on these things. Much like his mother, lovely woman that she was."
He made an odd expression at the continued commentary on his mother, and then risked "You said there was bad news."
"Yes," nodded the Doctor, for once not talking continuously, but toying with his odd gadget.
"Don't tell me that through some bizarre accident of fate—"
"Oh. No, no, no, not at all. The bad news is that Lily Evens is, in a sense, dead, but in another sense still alive—if you understand all the wibbly-wobbly stuff. I'm hoping you might come along and help?"
The Potions Master had blenched beyond his usual pallor to a downright ghastly shade. "L-Lily? Alive but dead?"
"Yes, that is a better way to phrase it, actually. Anyhow, she's alive… but in the wrong when to be currently alive in your timestream—yes, time, wonderfully wibbly-wobbly stuff, can be a bit confusing to get your mind around at first."
"Are you trying to get me to rescue her from the Dark Lord?"
"No. She's travelled through time. It's even a bit confusing to me, and I'm a Time Lord, because I think the Master's somehow violated causality and his own non-existence in an alternate dimension. "
"Oh."
"You didn't understand that, did you?"
"No, actually."
"Well, evidently some precaution or maneuver they were using to control time wasn't applied properly, and so some things that should be happening out of time are happening in time, and that simply isn't supposed to happen, and it's causing violations of causality. Anyhow, come with us? Pond, come along."
"You mean we're going to save Lily? She's… alive?"
"Humans. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Yes, she's alive, just said that, wrong time. There is a catch, though."
"And what exactly is this catch?" asked the former Death Eater.
By now it is time we returned to Privet Drive, and the imminently weird circumstances there. Petunia Dursley was shocked out of her seat by a loud grinding, almost as if an enormous piece of metal were put through an equally enormous paper shredder…or something like that, anyway. Dudley managed to ignore the noise, distracted by his show, but Harry looked up (since the noise seemed to come from the sky), extremely frightened, only to see what seemed to be a second, large, dark moon in the sky.
An odd wheezy voice bellowed out of seemingly nowhere "DESTRUCTION IMMINENT IN 540, 539, 538, 537…" The counting continued.
And Harry stared up at the sky in bewilderment, not knowing what on earth was happening.
"Headmaster! Headmaster!" Hagrid yelled, nearly tripping over a chair that was in the middle of the great hall as he rushed toward the teachers.
"What is it, Hagrid?" Dumbledore asked in a tone of longsuffering patience.
"It's Harry, Headmaster. Remember? Someone was s'pposed to go get him."
"Oh, that. Well, it's not too important at the moment."
"But Harry! Little Harry Potter. I loved the little lad. Yeh've got to let me go fetch him, headmaster!"
"Not right now, Rubeus." Professor McGonagall interjected, patting the now emotional half-giant on his back, which was as far as she could reach. "Has anyone seen Severus, by any chance?"
"No," replied Flitwick, who was stealing nervous glances at the congregation of Ministry officials. "I haven't seen him since he was asking Albus all those questions."
"I haven't seen 'im today, Pr'fessor McGonagall." Hagrid noted, blowing his nose on a huge red hanky he pulled from his pocket.
"Well, that's not comforting," she commented absentmindedly.
"Minerva, Filius, do you know anything about dolphins? Rubeus?" Sprout queried as she returned to the circle of teachers.
"No, not really," McGonagall replied, and Hagrid and Flitwick gave similar responces.
"They've disappeared." Pomona Sprout began, but was interrupted by strong glares and Flitwick's objection—
"What, now? Who've disappeared?"
"The dolphins. All the dolphins, near as anyone can tell. Seems to be some sort of magical incident, possibly."
"Oh my. What on earth could that be?" the small Charms professor exclaimed.
"Headmaster! Headmaster! Where's the Headmaster?" asked an apparently clumsy young lady dressed in the distinctive robes of a trainee Auror.
"Yes? What is it?" Dumbledore asked, strolling over, trailed by a semicircle of Ministry officials.
"We have reports of an extraterrestrial source announcing that destruction of the earth is imminent."
"Oh?" said he emptily, as if he could not yet grasp the enormity.
"Yes, it says it's a 'Darth Vader.'"
"Darth Vader," repeated Dumbledore. "Oh, yes," he continued, brightly, "I met him once. I obliviated him. Thought it was for the best."
"Oh dear," muttered Minerva and the lot of them shook their heads or otherwise expressed concern at the Headmaster's actions.
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away, a certain villainous wizard, the most audaciously green Jedi Master, and the apprentice Obi Wan Kenobi were standing in the main council chamber of the Jedi chamber.
"In you sense much fear I do," pronounced the small green figure.
"Has no one told this… house elf how annoying he is?" Voldemort asked, fully intending to be insulting.
"Much anger have you, and lies there the path to the Dark Side."
"Observing odd syntactic patterns doesn't, in fact, make you sound wise. Oh, I hate Zen," the wizard continued.
"For the Dark Side, this Padawan heads." Yoda continued, rather pointlessly, considering that Voldemort was merely listening to make insulting comments, and Obi-Wan Kenobi's attention was glued to the latter.
"Oh fine. I didn't know why I did it, reverting to mere pick-pocketing, but maybe I'll see what this thing does. Something to do with magic, I'll wager." The wizard-formerly-known-as-Tom-Riddle pulled out a silver device with several buttons and a blue light on the end, and flicked it at the Jedi Master. It made a sort of high pitched buzzing noise, but nothing seemed to happen immediately.
"What's that?" Obi-Wan Kenobi finally spoke, staring down at the device the strange man was holding in his hands.
"I've no idea," he replied, and looked again at Yoda for comment, but the Jedi Master was nowhere to be seen.
"What have you done, Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gonn asked, entering the council chamber, in grave concern at the sudden absence of Yoda. Not only was the guru nowhere to be seen, Qui-Gonn had sensed a disturbance in the Force.
"I didn't do it!" the apprentice protested.
"I didn't think that was a lethal weapon." Voldemort noted, more to himself than to the Jedi and his apprentice. "It didn't do such a thing when he used it."
"What is that, and where did you get it?" Qui-Gonn demanded, suddenly unsure of his new apprentice.
"It's some sort of screwdriver, or so he said. Odd, really. I didn't imagine it'd do such a thing. Now that I think about it, he said something about taking it from some sort of doctor, so I can't imagine why it would have destroyed Master Yoda."
"Qui-Gonn. What is going on?" inquired Master Windu, looking back and forth from Qui-Gonn to the faces of his two apprentices. "I have sensed a disturbance in the Force, and Master Yoda is gone."
"I was about to set out for the planet of Naboo with Padawan Kenobi, as I was assigned. It seems Voldemort has unintentionally caused the disappearance of Master Yoda through a mysterious device the function of which no one knows."
"Ah. You have turned to the Dark Side." Windu announced unceremoniously, pulling out his light saber.
Voldemort looked around a bit, as if confused. Windu was at least waiting to strike until his opponent pulled out a weapon.
"A Sith. I should have listened to Yoda." And Qui-Gonn and Obi-Wan stared, transfixed, as Mace Windu held his light saber to the chest of the other man and moved as if to impale him.
"Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort exclaimed, holding his hand, palm outward, towards the challenger.
The lightsaber fell to the floor, an ironic swish in the silence of the room, as a blaze of green light seemed to fluidly streak across the room and knock Windu down. Qui-Gonn gave Voldemort a long, calculating look, and Obi-Wan merely looked astonished.
"Aren't you going to comment—you know, bigger on the inside, that sort of thing?" a red headed woman who didn't really remind him too much of Lily asked Severus Snape.
"I'm a wizard. It's not that surprising," he said, looking around the interior of the time machine that looked like a police box on its exterior.
"Oh," nodded she.
"This is Pond, and this is Rory Williams," the Doctor introduced brusquely, flipping some levers, pressing a couple buttons, and adjusting his bowtie.
"Ah… hello," said the other man, whom Snape mentally classified as a Hufflepuff sort.
"Wardrobe is that way," pronounced the Doctor, earning odd looks from his passengers.
"Well, you're hardly going to be inconspicuous where we're going in that garb!" he explained in reply, idly spinning a dial.
"Where are we going?" asked "Pond."
"Nineteenth century France," their pilot explained.
"Is that where Lily is?" inquired Severus, barely finishing before the ship tilted violently and he was thrown against the other two passengers.
"I'm Amy Pond." The girl explained in a slightly Scottish lilt.
"There's an oddity in the time structure. Yes." The Doctor said from the console.
"Severus Snape," he replied, since he was capable of good manners, even if he didn't often choose to exercise that ability.
Rory pulled some garments from an upended drawer and postulated "I guess we have to wear these?"
"Apparently," sighed Amy, holding up a dress to her torso and examining the lace sewn near its hem.
By his estimation, it was about five minutes later, but more than a hundred years earlier, when they emerged from the TARDIS into a dim, dusty alley. The Doctor had made no concession to the era into which they emerged, but the three passengers had changed into historical clothing, though possibly not of the right era.
And that was when Snape spotted Lily. She was wearing a deep red dress, and looking furtively at a young man, who, to his jealous eyes, looked a lot like James Potter.
"It's Potter all over again!" he exclaimed under his breath, not expecting the others to pay any attention.
However, the object of her admiration turned down their alley and tripped over a loose stone, expelling an "Ooof!" as he flopped to the ground. Snape glared at the man as he slowly propped himself up from the ground.
"Hello!" said the Doctor.
"Bonjour? Uh, you are who?" he said from the ground, speaking English hesitantly and with a heavy French accent.
"The Doctor," said the man in the tweed suit.
Snape was still glaring down at his beloved's admired. Both the Doctor and Rory bent over to assist him in rising from the cobbles.
"Is there something wrong, Monsieur?" said the Frenchman to Severus Snape.
"What's your name?" he snapped, and a little voice that took the tone of his mother's whispered Be decent, Severus Snape, Half-Blood Prince!
"Baron Marius Pontmercy." Upon further examination, he could tell the other man's clothing and hair were generally rumpled, just another reminder of James Potter.
Then, all of a sudden, their mysterious baron jumped and shouted at someone beyond Amy Pond, "Ursula! Mademoiselle!"
"Monsieur Marius! Qui est elle?" a waif, dressed in rags, entered the alley behind Pontmercy.
The Doctor seemed to notice Snape's puzzlement, and tapped on the TARDIS, as if confused. "What's wrong with you, old girl? Why didn't you give him the abilities? He's a time traveler now."
And then, to his sudden surprise, he understood when the girl said "Why is she following you, Monsieur Marius? I found the girl you wanted me to find. She is Cosette Fauchelevant."
It would seem, however unlikely, that Cosette Fauchelevant, if that was her name, had turned and come back and was now standing behind him. "Marius! What are you doing? Who is she? There is a strange man visiting Papa!"
"Baron Pontmercy!" exclaimed Lily, coming toward them, and then Marius turned confidingly to Snape and Rory, and began to speak what may well have been German, although Severus found he could understand it perfectly well.
"She's been pursuing me constantly and came here with a strange man originally. I don't know if you can help?"
"Oh, Monsieur," spoke the ragged girl at Snape, and he looked at her puzzledly. There was a brief pause in which no one seemed to know what to say.
"Severus! What are you doing here?" asked Lily, when she had finally entered the alley.
"I… don't know," he managed, almost tongue-tied at the sight of his beloved friend.
"Cosette!" called an elderly man, skidding over some debris on the cobblestones into the alley and promptly falling into Rory and the phone box.
He was followed by an odd man who was dressed anachronistically and reminded Snape of the Doctor somehow, and also by a pair of young dandies, one apparently drunken, which made Severus look at him steadily askance, and one in determined pursuit of their Baron Pontmercy.
"Marius, you're late, what's wrong today? You look as if you've seen a ghost!" exclaimed the latter tunefully.
When he turned his eyes back toward Pontmercy, he found the queer description to be apt, for the door of the Doctor's time machine had fallen open behind Rory and the unexpected weight of the elderly man, and Marius stared, transfixed as if he were staring at something far more sinister than a simple Muggle phone box-cum-time machine.
"Oh dear," said the Doctor, who seemed to be studying the other odd one. "I think we'd better look for some lodgings."
Far in the future, the inhabitants of Privet Drive, already puzzled by the announcement regarding the destruction of their world, were further startled when the young un-loved nephew began to shimmer oddly and make a sort of loud hum.
"Freaks!" cried Petunia Dursley, shaking her fist at the air, but the countdown continued. "Freaks!"
Harry Potter than disappeared entirely from sight.
"Why did you do that, Albus? Why?" insisted Professor McGonagall.
"What? He seemed to be an evil man," Dumbledore explained in an attempt at justifying his actions.
"But why did you Obliviate him? Are you mad Albus? You've somehow convinced him he needs to destroy the whole planet!"
"Nonsense. He can't possibly do that, there's no way. Even magic can barely touch the weather, let alone the whole planet."
"Headmaster Albus Dumbledore States that Imminent Destruction is Impossible" dictated Rita Skeeter to a Dicta-quill hovering over the clipboard she was holding. "Hogsmeade, Scotland—Headmaster Dumbledore said, in reference—"
"Stupefy." intoned Flitwick and the reporter fell lightly to the floor of the Great Hall. "I'm sorry, but she was getting on my nerves."
Skeeter was neutralized, but her dictation had attracted the attention, once more, of Minister Fudge.
"Professor McGonagall…" said Hagrid, trying to tap the Head of Gryffindor very lightly on the shoulder, as he had been scolded previously for knocking members of the Hogwarts staff over while trying to congratulate them.
"Hagrid, I'm appointing you temporary head of Slytherin!" Dumbledore announced in a politician's voice, all polish and false enthusiasm.
"Professor McGonagall," repeated Hagrid, ignoring the Headmaster, who seemed to be behaving rather stupidly.
"You can't mean that!" Sprout hissed to Dumbledore in an indignant whisper. "He's focused on the Harry Potter matter, and there's no need to have a temporary head because there are no students here!"
"Oh," responded the headmaster, "anyway, there's no need to worry-"
"What is it, Hagrid?" Minerva McGonagall finally turned to the groundskeeper with a stern look.
"Professor McGonagall, can I go get Harry Potter?" he asked.
"Yes, Hagrid, you may," permitted McGonagall. "Just be careful."
"What!" Albus said vaguely indignantly, "You're not in charge here."
"Just let the oaf go, Dumbledore," Fudge entreated.
So Hagrid walked off and portkeyed to the Dursley's neighborhood.
TBC...