He Loved To Make Her Cry
He's a smart ass jerk.
It's no secret that he's a lone wolf.
He's perfectly capable of working in a team, with a team, but he prefers to be alone, work alone.
He prefers his solitude whether it be professional solitude or personal solitude.
Often, the defense mechanisms he has procured over the years would out of instinct make him do or say something that he later regretted.
But, he knows that he rather regret hurting the people he has allowed himself to care about than to allow them to hurt him.
Everyone he has ever allowed in has hurt him in some way with the exception of Sam, but Callen is waiting for the day that Sam does the same as everyone else has done. . . abandon him.
He has lost count how many times he has pushed Sam away only for his partner to push back.
How many times he's made Hetty shake her head at him in disappointment only to prove to the older woman that he knows what he's doing even though what he does conflicts with what he knows.
How many times he had argued with Macy about senseless things.
How many times he's made Kensi narrow her eyes and later hand his ass to him in a sparring session
How many times he's made Renko roll his eyes, because he sees through Callen's bullshit, as Renko calls it.
How many times he's made Eric feel insecure only to turn around to boost the younger man's confidence in the world of technology.
How many times he's made Deeks' smile falter only for the Detective to give him a knowing look, because the Detective knows a thing or two about defense mechanisms, himself.
And yet even though he's lost count of the rest, Callen knows exactly how many times he's made Nell cry, because he loves to make her cry. He doesn't regret it.
Some could say that he's a sadist, but it's not quite like that.
He doesn't enjoy the tears in her hazel eyes that she allows no one to see, but he knows. He knows the tears are there. He loves it that she cares enough about him to cry not necessarily that he's causing her pain.
He doesn't go out his way to make her cry.
He never hurts her physically, because he could never hurt her in that way, but he does hurt her emotionally and mentally. He doesn't allow himself to dwell on the fact that emotional and mental hurt take more time to heal than physical ones. If he dwells on the fact he would never forgive himself for hurting the young woman as others have hurt him.
He knows that he should stop playing mind games with her, that he should stop sending her mixed signals, but those mind games are what keeps him from doing something stupid.
Like allow her past his barriers and allow himself to act on how much he cares, how much he sees her care.
He makes it a point for her to overhear his conversation with Sam about what type of woman he prefers. The look Sam gives him as they spar in the gym clues him into two facts. One, Sam knows what he's done, and two, Sam knows that he lied through his teeth.
That he intentionally listed the exact opposite of Nell Jones, because he wants her to see that nothing would ever happen between them, that he would never allow anything to happen.
He can't allow anything to happen between them, because he has the feeling that she could hurt him in ways that Tracy, Kristen, or anyone else had ever hurt him. She's smarter than Tracy. And, although she and Kristen share a couple of aspects in appearance, she's more beautiful than the woman he fell-in-love with while under assignment.
Perhaps that is why he feels as if she has more power than the other women, because it wouldn't be an alias that she would hurt or get hurt by, but simply the man behind all of the aliases.
He turns to look at her, because an inkling of regret trinkles down his spine as he sees the look on Sam's face, who was facing the door of the gym, facing an embarrassed and clearly hurt Nell Jones.
The stray tear that Callen sees roll down her cheek just before she turns and flees out the door and down the hallway would forever haunt him, but he would rather hurt her now than for her to have a lifetime of hurt with him; to hurt her before she hurts him, before she uses her unparallel intelligence to realize that she's better than him, that she could do so much better than a broken, jaded man with more scars and issues than all of her past boyfriends combined. Before she leaves him like all the rest have done.
He fails to realize that a lifetime without him tortures her more, tortures him more than if he had taken a chance with her, that whatever hurt she could have ever done to him would never meet halfway with the pain he's caused himself.
Thank you for reading.