His eyes are rimmed in red and there's a wobble in his gait. She can't place the feeling of déjà vu, but then he stutters her name and the floor drops away from her feet. It takes her back to years before and broken promises and stints in rehab. Her brain is full of white noise and why and please and not again and I can't. But none of this is said out loud, not a sound uttered from her lips. Because she is Joan Watson and she musters through and carries on and she's the rock and the reliable one and even when she wants to fall apart she doesn't.
But he can see the disappointment in her gaze and he can't blame her because he's disappointed too. Of all the things he swore he wouldn't do anything to make her look at him like that. Because hasn't she had to feel it too often from others, from him? And he promised himself that he wouldn't let her get hurt and here he is failing her once more. But the words are stuck in the back of his throat and his blood pumps too thickly in his veins for the apology he desperately wants to make.
And even if he could it wouldn't be enough. No, he needs to fall on his knees and beg her forgiveness and then never, ever, fail her again. Because she saved him and he knows and he's a self destructive asshole and she deserves so much more. And he wouldn't blame her if she walked out the door and never came back.
But all she does is gather her wits, swallow back the anger, ignore her heart beating with dread in the pit of her stomach because she's already worried that this will be a cycle and she will never escape it. And she leads him without a word down the staircase and into his room. She helps him off with his shoes, wipes his face with a towel, lays him down on his bed. And she can see him trying to form the thought, the words, and all she does is shush him.
And later when she cries into her pillow no one will ever have to know. And the next time he fails her she will have steeled her heart for the inevitable disappointment. Because she is Joan Watson and she doesn't know when to walk away, when to cut her losses. And she's stubborn and too proud and she feels responsible for him even if he can't be responsible for himself. So even when it hurts her she will stay and she will grit her teeth. And she will endlessly punish herself because she just doesn't seem to know how not to.