I have looked at you in millions of ways and I have loved you in each
by bytheblue
Six intersections between the lives of Peggy Carter and Daniel Sousa.
The first time Daniel Sousa catches a glimpse of Peggy Carter, it's on a 30-foot screen in a dark movie theater in Brooklyn.
Helen – whose photo Daniel held while he lay on the snow in the middle of a blizzard in West Germany, a bullet lodged deep in his right leg – has been dying to watch Gene Kelly's newest film. So a month after being honorable discharged from service, Daniel limps his way through the ten blocks from his apartment to the Ambassador Theatre.
He nearly trips on a crack on the sidewalk, but Helen catches his fall. She suggests they hail a cab, but he refuses. The doctors did say the prosthetic and the crutch would take some getting used to, and he would need to practice. They sit by the aisle in the last row.
It was a short propaganda piece featuring Captain America and the Howling Commandos in combat in Europe. The Captain takes out a golden compass, clicks it open, and the camera zooms to a photo of a beautiful brunette on the inside of the compass's cover. We all need someone to hold on to, he thinks, and glances at Helen on his right. She is biting her thumb as she watches the screen. She only does that when she's nervous. Daniel wants to ask her about it, but he holds her hand instead.
In the middle of Gene Kelly dancing with an imaginary mouse, Helen tightens her grip on his hand and whispers, "Can we go somewhere to talk? After the movie?"
She has met someone new.
He wants to ask her if her new beau has both legs in place, but stops himself.
A stern-looking man in an Army uniform strides into Chief Dooley's office a few months after the SSR New York branch is reopened post-war. Daniel is the newest recruit, so he is given the honorable task of preparing coffee for the Chief and his guest.
Krzeminski, second-newest recruit, watches him try to balance a tray on his right hand. "Hurry up, Sousa! They don't have all day."
He forgoes the tray and brings the cups in one by one.
He overhears snippets of conversation. With cup number one: "Beg your pardon Colonel, but I don't really see why I need to give way to a new agent, a dame at that."
He exits and enters again, carrying cup number two. "Also I don't think you understand, Roger, but I can have you replaced tomorrow if I wanted to."
Two weeks later, Daniel sees a woman with a red hat saunter into the office and knock on Chief Dooley's door. He thinks she looks familiar, but can't quite figure out where he has seen her before. Every agent stops what he is doing and not so politely stares, Daniel included. He doesn't know if it's because they've all never seen a woman in the office, or because of how attractive she is. Or both.
Thompson's voice rings through the room. "Are we getting a secretary? Finally. I hate filing reports."
Daniel wonders if he's the only one who catches the woman roll her eyes.
Word about the mysterious new agent's past travels fast.
Thompson gets assigned to supervise the transfer of a Vita radiation machine from one of Howard Stark's factories to the SSR's labs. Inevitably, he gets hold of a dossier on Project Rebirth. Peggy Carter's name turns up on the very first page.
Krzeminski nudges Daniel on the back with a heavy hand. "The Cap's best gal must've been pretty busy during the war, huh?"
When Peggy returns from her lunch break, she stops by Daniel's desk. "Sousa, I know women are practically an endangered species in our company, but why are people looking at me funny?"
Daniel stumbles through words but manages to say, "Uh, Captain America –"
Peggy closes her eyes and sighs.
Later that day, Daniel and Peggy share an elevator ride.
"When I woke up, the snow under my leg was all red, and I didn't know why until I looked down. I couldn't even feel the pain because it was so cold…or maybe because my leg was dead by then. But I remember a man lifting me up and carrying me over his shoulders, and seeing a flash of a red, white and blue shield before passing out. Days later, a nurse told me what happened, but he was gone before I could give my thanks."
Peggy is silent for a moment, then quietly says, "He was a better man than most of us."
A thought flashes unbidden in Daniel's mind – I can't compete with that – but it disappears as soon as the elevator pings and Peggy walks out.
Ten minutes before everybody gets to call it a day, Miller receives a frantic phone call from his wife. His son is in the hospital with pneumonia. Nobody wants to cover his night shift.
"Go," Peggy says, as she places a hand on Miller's shoulder. "I'll do it."
This is how Daniel finds himself alone with Peggy on a cool Friday night in spring.
He waits for her to take a bite of her club sandwich before he speaks. "If someone had told me, just last week, that I would be better off baking a pie at home than giving suggestions, I probably wouldn't be as nice to that person as you are right now."
Peggy wipes a few crumbs from the side of her mouth. "You don't agree with his statement, Agent Sousa?"
"I grew up with four older sisters, Agent Carter." Daniel smiles. "I'd be sporting a shiner the next day for talk like that."
Peggy laughs, and Daniel feels a flutter in his chest. "We're all on the same team, whether Miller likes it or not."
The fluttering strengthens.
Peggy takes another bite. Daniel realizes he's been watching her a bit longer than is polite, and quickly looks away. "I know it's an emergency, but the Chief's still gonna be angry when he finds out Miller let you cover his shift."
"Well he doesn't have to know, does he?"
Months later, as Daniel watches Peggy from the other side of an interrogation room, he remembers this moment and thinks that she has always had the heart of a rebel in her.
"I still want to kill Thompson, but no more than usual."
Peggy begins to unfasten the cuffs from his wrists, says something about having to return to the office right away, when Daniel stops her.
"Peggy, wait." Shackled to a hospital bed isn't the best way to begin an apology, but Daniel thinks they may never get another chance to talk alone. So he asks forgiveness for his short-sightedness, for his lack of trust, for his disrespect.
"I wasn't much of a friend these past few days. And I like to think that for the most part, we've been getting closer," he coughs, "I mean, you know, as friends." Daniel averts his eyes. "I should have had more faith in you."
He wants to confess that jealousy is a drug that makes you do and say things without thinking. When Thompson first suggested that maybe she and Stark had a thing on the side – "What other motive would she have?" – Daniel hadn't been able to get it out of his head.
He knows it is a flimsy excuse, so he says no more.
Peggy's face turns from sweet to somber. "To be quite honest, your doubt had hurt the most. But…thank you."
She finishes removing the restraints without a word.
A few days later, when he asks her if she'd like to grab a drink and she refuses, he is not surprised.
But if there's one thing being rescued from the brink of death teaches a man, it is to never lose hope.
Daniel walks into the bar nearest to the office, determined to still get a drink. After a rejection like that, he deserves as many shots of bourbon as he very well likes. He expects a long night of not-so-sober contemplation.
What he doesn't expect is to see Peggy Carter sitting on one of the bar stools, nursing her own drink.
Daniel now has a choice: acknowledge her presence or leave as fast as he could. But before he can even begin to weigh his options, fate steps in when a woman beside Peggy spots him. "Say, Pegs, doesn't that guy look awfully familiar to you?"
Daniel freezes by the door.
Introductions are eventually made. "Angie, this is Daniel Sousa. He and I work together at the, uh, phone company."
Angie gives him a knowing smile. "Daniel, this is Angie Martinelli, a friend of mine." Peggy pauses. "The friend I told you about? The one I had to meet tonight?"
It takes Daniel a few seconds before he understands. It wasn't an excuse.
Angie invites him to join them, and Daniel takes her up on her offer. As she chats away about their new apartment ("We're here to celebrate – wait, I can tell him about it, right?"), Daniel steals a look at Peggy. There is a strange sense of calm on her face he's never seen before.
A question forms at the tip of his mouth until, no, not right now. There will be another time to ask.
Daniel will make sure of it.
I would like to dedicate this fic to The Powers That Be with whom the fate of a second season of Agent Carter rests.
The compass with the photo is an actual scene from Captain America: The First Avenger, and I credit it for inspiring the creation of this fic.
The title is actually a haiku I got off tumblr, and I would link to a source if I had one! If anyone does, please don't hesitate to inform me so I can credit the person accordingly.
The Gene Kelly (and Frank Sinatra) movie is real. Watch him dance with Jerry Mouse here.
The Ambassador Theatre was also real, and you can read about it here.
This is my first fic in five years. Before that, the gap since the last fic was four years. At this rate, I'll probably see you all again in 2020. So thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you liked it.