Parasite
Guilt is as heavy as lead.
Pain. Enough to knock me over. That's what I felt when I hear Ian laugh. I know why, but I refuse to acknowledge it. It starts in my stomach and spreads through my veins, heavy as lead. I try not to think about it, but it's all I can do now. It never leaves my mind. We took this world- their world- and we won't give it back. Sharing wasn't even enough for us, we needed it all. We're parasites. Monsters. Why do we take over worlds? Why did we happen to come across this one and steal everything that they had? I don't know. But even though I love Ian, I beat myself up for it. Because even though it brought us together, they would all want their lives back. He should want that. On this day, it's particularly worse. I zone out while eating dinner, my thoughts consumed by this.
"Wanda? What's wrong?" Ian's blue eyes stab me, even though they shouldn't. I should be happy. I should want to be with him and laugh. But I can't, not if this is all I think about.
"Nothing," I lie stiffly. He notices it, but saves it for later. Each moment fills me with dread. Eating their food. The food we had cautiously get. But it wouldn't be like that if we never came. Life would be simple. It should be like that. Ian should have gotten a family. He should have gotten to go to his parent's house whenever he felt like it and have them over for dinner to meet his new girlfriend, without reflective silver eyes. And they shouldn't be dead.
Some days it's not this bad. Some days I can get by fine, even happy that Ian loves me, the soul, and doesn't even think about it. It's just natural, our lips moving in synchronization. How things should be.
We silently walk hand in hand towards our room. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I can't help but feel like everyone's life has just gone to dust because of me and now they have to hide in these caves for the rest of their lives.
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong, now?" Ian looks at me with concerned eyes. An ache that has been in my stomach since I came here has been getting stronger.
I drop his hand. "How can you love me?" Pet's body made the question come out weak, with her high pitched whisper and blushing face. "How can you even tolerate someone like me?" My voice catches at the last word. Confusion floods Ian's face, his eyebrows knit together.
"Wanda..." his voice trails off. He doesn't want to argue. Not tonight. I sigh and sit down on the bed, wishing there was some way to tell him what I felt. Shouldn't I be able to? Shouldn't I be able to tell him, my partner, anything? His husky voice reaches all corners of our room. "The real question here is how can you love me? " I look at him confused, I don't understand. "I'm a brutal human, and here you talk to me everyday, hold my hand everyday, kiss me everyday. I tried to kill you," his voice catches, "but yet you push your limits to make me happy, and everyone else here happy. Why?"
I shake my head, "No, Ian, you have it backwards. I'm the one who took your world from you. I took away everyone you love. And now your life remains in the caves. I took away your life and your happiness. Even though it wasn't personally me, I remain here as a reminder that you won't get to," I couldn't make the bit about his parent come out of my mouth. I knew he lost them to the souls, but that would be to much. Silent tears trace the lines on my face. "You won't get to have a life. A real one, with happiness and everything a life should be." He says nothing for a while. Ian just wipes away my tears and cradles me to his chest. I do love him, and maybe that's why my presence on this planet hurts me. Because I want him to be happy, and he could have been if the souls haven't came. Wanda! My thoughts still talk back at me, mimicking the fierceness Melanie had in my head. He's happy with you, don't you see that? Of course you do, he says it everyday. He shows it to you everyday. There's nothing he wants more than to be with you! But he could have been happy with someone else without me and the apocalypse and his world falling apart.
"I wouldn't want it without you." Ian confirms my thoughts. See? I say to myself. I don't stop crying. Realization must have knocked into Ian, his face reflected what I predicted his reaction would be. His voice, slightly hard, catches me by surprise "Wanda. It was not personally you who took this world, it wasn't. It was pure luck that you were brought to me, that you have made my life better in every way. Do you understand?" I nod my head. "You, the selfless soul that you are, want me to be happy, correct?" I nod my head more vigorously. The blue fire in his eyes soften. "You make me happy, Wanda. Being with you, everyday. I couldn't imagine anything better than that." I don't deserve him. We don't deserve this world. Why, why did we have to take his world?
"I love you," I choke out the words that are true and have been since everything was so unclear to me in Melanie's body.
"I love you too, my Wanderer." He takes my chine and his eyes meet mine. "Between having the world back and having you, I would choose you in a heartbeat." Blood rushes to my face. Ian's grin confirms that the moon lights up our room enough to see my blush. He kisses me and I dread the moment we stop, but I get lost in his scent. He smells like fresh air, cave dust, and something distinctly male. My hands wrap themselves in his hair and his push my back closer to him. Ian's senses come to and his self control takes over too soon. "You should sleep. It was a rough day, and you need the rest." I sigh. He lays down and I curl up to his body.
Exhaustion takes over and I fall asleep, happy.
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