A/N I am writing this at 1:43 AM. Just some stuff in real life that I need to get off of my chest. Everything you read in this is 100% real (aside from names being changed). I role play as Astrid.

Dear Father,

Whoever you are, I don't know. I hear I have a heavenly father that's better than my dad in real life. I know I'm lucky and some kids don't have a dad, but it still hurts.

I used to be Daddy's little girl. I had everything: blond hair; wide, blue eyes, and the only girl in the family of boys. I don't know what happened. Ever since you took Mom away, Dad blames you.

He doesn't see that you healed her many times, that she died four times and you brought her back to life. He is angry at you for not healing mom. He hears all about other people getting healed and he is mad at you for not healing her. You did heal her, and I know that. He doesn't see it.

He never pays attention to me. I don't know if it's because I look so much like Mom or what, but he only pays attention to me when I do something wrong. That's just to ground me or yell at me. He got in a fight with Stepmom over it. It lasted five days.

Even when I am hurt he pays no attention. I told him I was depressed, and he started yelling at me. I told him everything. Then he yelled at me and I wished I wouldn't. When I got hurt, he didn't do anything. He gave me ice and left me alone.

Nate and Gabe he pays attention to. He always looks at his two oldest boys. He always tell how Nate did this and that, even though he quit everything he started. He says how Gabe is going to college, but fails to mention that it's one class to be an engineer. He gladly forks over 200 a month, but every so often I need something that costs 20 at the most and he acts like it's such a chore and waits until the last minute to get it and I'm suffering because he's working here and there and doing everything for everyone else and does it with a smile on his face.

And don't get me started on the younger siblings! He pays more attention to them in a day than I get in a month. AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN HIS KIDS! He takes them here, and buys them this and expects Stepmom to fill in for me. Then he gets mad at her for not doing for me. Excuse me, you didn't give two rat stoles about it earlier, why all of the sudden now? Stepmom is more of a mom to me that Dad is a dad. Ask Neve, Rose, any of them, and they will tell you the same thing.

I can't do anything for Dad for father's day. I can't even give him a hug and him acknowledge it. You know what I get for straight As? A nod. Not even a "good job" or
"well done" just a nod. Definitely, he's not going to say "I'm proud of you." He's never said that in my life. Of course, he's proud of Nate and Gabe, he talks about them all the time. God, he hasn't even said "I love you" in the past three years. I stopped hugging on Dad. No one blames me for doing it. I think the last time I hugged him was two years ago. Stepmom hugged me today. She told me she loved me today. The only thing Dad said to me: "It's one o'clock, get inside."

Heavenly Father, how can you love me? Obviously, I did something wrong. I don't know what it could be. This father's day, can you be my dad? I know I don't deserve it. It hurts. My own father isn't proud of me, I don't see how you can be. My own brothers don't even say they love me anymore. They don't wish me a happy birthday. It's like they don't care. Stepmom seams to be the only one that cares. I feel welcome with her. I can talk to her about anything and she won't yell. Well, she might yell, but it's out of love. God, I know I'm probably one of the worst of your children, and you may not even read this. Please heal Daddy, until he gets over that you didn't take Mommy, this will always be the same. I don't want Stepmom to leave. Dad doesn't care, all grandma and grandpa care about is having me, even if it means taking me away from Dad. Actually, preferably taking me away from Dad. They would never let me see Stepmom again. She's the only one that loves me. Not my Dad, and I question sometimes even you. I mean, how could you love a failure like me? I'm no good at anything. I'm stupid. I have no common sense. Dad seems to have given up on me. I don't hear a voice. I get yelled at for not praying right. I just want to be your child. I just want to know you. Can you hear me? I want to hear you. Do you just block me out? I would do anything to hear your voice. I love you. Do you love me?

Love,

Astrid

A/N Well, after crying twice and it being 2:22 AM, I think I'm going to bed. Hopefully this did something for me and for anyone else going through this as well. I'm sorry for letting my personal problems get into fanfiction, but I feel this just had to be done.