A/N Well, it's snowing in South Devon for the first time in at least ten years. It's really beautiful.
Konan liked her forts. She made them out of various things: linens, bamboo poles, empty cereal boxes, cardboard, human bones and anything else she could lay her hands on. Her room was filled with them, each with its own purpose. Right now she lay on a heap of cushions in the TV Fort watching re-runs of Fig, the popular soap opera, when she heard frantic running footsteps in the hall outside. Thinking somebody had probably pissed off Leader and was looking for a hiding place, she got up to lock her door, but just as she reached it it burst open, sending her flying. And who should be stood there, gasping for breath, wild-eyed and dishevelled, but...
LEADER?
There was something terribly, terribly wrong here. "Umm... Leader-sama?" She approached him cautiously, but he darted towards her, grabbed her shoulders and shook her roughly.
"They – they were – they were having a..." He gasped for breath. She nodded, equally worrying, patting his shoulders as comfortingly as she could. "They were having a... a snowball fight!"
"Oh my God!"
A snowball came flying out of nowhere and struck Kisame on the nose; the fish-man was momentarily stunned, but recovered quickly and scooped up a ball of snow, hurling it with deadly accuracy at Tobi, who poked his head out from behind a rock at the wrong moment. The only ones not playing were Leader, who Just Didn't, Hidan, who owned no shirts and could not take the cold, Konan, who had been in the shower when the snow began to fall, and Sasori, who was adoring the beauty of the snow settling on Deidara's hair.
Leader crouched in the corner, consuming box after box of Konan's tissues to dab at his watering eyes, hiccuping and sobbing in as manly and authoritarian a way as he could manage. Konan crouched beside him, patting him on the back comfortingly. "There, there," she said, "it's okay, Pein. Really. Just because they're being childish and immature doesn't mean they aren't ruthless killers ready to help you on your way to world domination. I promise."
"Th-this is not... daycare..." Leader leaned on Konan, who smiled warmly at him, patted his spiky head and then stood slowly, propping him up against the wall.
"I'll be back in a moment," she promised, leaving the room as calmly and quietly as she could. As soon as the door closed behind her, she made a sprint for Zetsu's room... well, greenhouse. Fast and stealthy as she was able, she located his address book and flipped it over to the phone number of one Mr. Jekyll. She dialled, then sat down, eyeing up the rather vicious-looking plant on the other side of the room.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is that Mr. Smith's psychiatrist?" It was not known whether Smith was Zetsu's alias or his real family name. Frankly, nobody much cared.
"Yes, it is. Can I help you?"
"Um, yeah, I hear you're good. My friend has a problem, see..."
"Oh, sure, your friend has a problem. So how can I help your friend?"
"Well, his name is..." Konan paused, then flipped open Zetsu's diary in search of a name. "Leader – NO! Pein! No, that's not right! His name is, um... BOB! Yes! His name is Bob! This man of which I now speak is named Bob, and only Bob!"
"Uh-huh. And... how does he feel about this name?"
"Oh, don't dig into his childhood, I know his problem. He's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. What do I do?"
"Well, do you know why he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown?"
"Well, yes, but that's... a bit... complicated." She turned the page in Zetsu's diary. There was a daisy doodled in the corner.
"Rest assured, madam, whatever you tell me will be in the strictest confidence."
"Well..." Who was Daisy, and why was Zetsu writing her love poetry? Really awful love poetry, too. With hearts drawn all around it. "Are you certain of that? If I told you something really bad, you wouldn't be able to go running to the law or anything?" Her name was on the next page. He'd noticed the new flower in her hair? How sweet.
"Yes, madam. I can reveal absolutely nothing of what you tell me."
"Okay. He's the leader of a group of criminal masterminds bent on world domination. We've already killed hundreds of people just for funding, let alone the slaughter we'll wreak when we finally acquire all the tailed beasts." Tuesday. Hidan only swore 42 times. Is he feeling well? A door-to-door salesman came trying to make us buy double-glazing. I ate him. Saw Orochimaru too. He was eating a pie.
"Oh! You're Zetsu's friends!"
Konan brightened up. "Yes, yes we are! And Leader's trying to keep our reputation as pure evil incarnate and cold-blooded killers, but to be honest we like to have fun too. They're out there having a snowball fight now. Poor Leader's nearly cracked. What do I do?"
"It's snowing?"
"Yes, it's... hello? Hello? Are you still there?" The line was dead. Whoops and shouts and laughter could be heard from afar. "I know where your children go to school," Konan said quietly before closing her phone.
Wednesday. Does Deidara have a crush on Itachi? How tragic, the poor man. Called Daisy eighteen times. She didn't pick up. I went to her house and ate her. She tasted nice.
Leader was still crouched exactly where she left him. She put on a bright smile and practically dragged him to his feet. "You know what, Pein? I know exactly what to do!" His eyes were red and puffy, but dry now. "Let's have a vacation! Somewhere warm. The seaside!"
Akatsuki Inferior Dogs,
Leader threw a hissy fit and I decided it's because of you lot so we're off for a holiday. We'll be back in two weeks. Itachi, you're in charge. Remember to feed Tobi at least twice a day, and take Anno for a walk sometimes. Don't blow up the hideout or anything. Rei has my mobile number.
Love, Konan x
P.S. Zetsu, your psychiatrist sucks.
"Leader's... gone?" Kisame stared at the note in disbelief. With no warning at all, Leader and Konan had slipped away that morning and left only a note pegged to the door.
"Itachi's in charge?" Deidara glanced uneasily at the Uchiha, whose eyes glinted with the tiniest hint of mischief. "What do we, um... do?"
"Do? We've got two weeks of no Leader!" Tei burst through the front door into the garden. The assembled Akatsuki all stared at her, then she sent a snowball straight into Sasori's face. The Akatsuki all went outside, some skipping and running, some walking with dignity, one tripping on the doormat and bruising his nose on the cobbles outside.
Whilst the majority continued with their snowball fight, Itachi sat back, content to be a spectator; he had only thrown one snowball in his entire life, and it had had a rock in it. All was happy and well, until suddenly Deidara's eyes widened and he turned back to the house. "Wait a minute, did I remember to put away my-"
The word 'boom' does not really cover what followed. Neither do 'bang', 'crash', 'smash', 'kapow' or 'boing', or even 'ding'. But perhaps if we combined them, they could roughly manage to cope. Boombangcrashsmashkapowboingding might do it.
Yes, there was a boombangcrashsmashkapowboingding.
Itachi, who had stood with his back to the hideout, began slowly to turn around. Deidara grabbed his shoulders. "Um... I don't think looking behind you is a good idea right now."
Itachi closed his eyes, sighing. "What would I see if I did turn around?"
"Well... nothing, really."
"What about the house?"
Deidara drew a long breath. "The house is, um... removed from the picture."
"You blew up the hideout, didn't you?"
Deidara looked guiltily around, found that his fellow Akatsuki had, in fact, already fled Itachi's wrath, and turned back to the Uchiha in charge. "Well, I might have done something to that effect... a little bit... not really... it's just a bit of... barely a scratch, really... it's not exactly damaged as such, it's just..."
At this point, the Uchiha's legendary self-control finally failed him, and he whipped around. Deidara was right. The hideout was not really damaged. For something to be damaged, that thing has to actually exist, and what the Akatsuki Hideout was most definitely not doing right now was existing.
He turned back from the pile of rubble, kunai in hand, but the blonde bomber had already fled. Itachi sighed, and spoke to the empty street.
"Leader is going to be..." There was not really a word for what Leader was going to be, so he settled for Konan's own terminology, complete with carefully pronounced capital letters. "... Pissed Off."
"Konan, did the ground just shake?"
Konan looked at Leader from her seat opposite him on the train. "I'm sure it's nothing."
"I thought I heard a... well, not really a boom, it sounded more like a... not quite a bang or a crash..."
"Leader, stop worrying! Enjoy your vacation. The Akatsuki will be just fine."
A/N To be continued! Okay, so I know I've got way too many stories on the go. I have half of the next chapter of Sweet Angels done, but I've done nothing for Kisame's Devious Plan, Simon's Sparkles, Nobody Saw It Coming, or any of my Final Fantasy stuff. On the plus side, Murderous Fanatucs Can Have Bad Days is going to become a weekly thing on account of my sister's competition. The next chapter has to involve an ostrich!
About this: I know how it'll end, I'm just not quite sure how to get there. But my New Years Resoloution was to finish every story I have on the go in time for 2010, so hopefully you'll see an end to everything eventually.
Peace, out.