Dear Diary,

...FUCK.

8/11/96

-Hannah

After scribbling down that very moving diary entry, I sat the lavander booklet next to my pillow and began to ready myself for bed. Our tiny house was very serene, beside an occasional stir coming from my big brothers' room.

The next day, August 12, was my sixteenth birthday, and I couldn't be less happy about it. Most sixteen year old girls were excited for their big day, when they get their big party and drivers liscence. Well yes, I'd get both of those things but there was another thing far from that on my mind.

My boyfriend. About a year ago, two months into our relationship, I promised to him that I would have sex with him on my sixteenth birthday. The problem is, he was getting very grabby at that time and I just made that promise to buy myself some time, stupidly thinking that I'd be ready when I was sixteen.

Well now I was in the shitter, because tomorrow I would turn sixteen, but still not ready to give up my body in such a repulsive way. And I know what you're thinking: just tell him, I'm sure he'll understand.

Wrong.

He was angry about it a year ago, when I promised him the time of his life on my sixteenth birthday. He did not want to wait then, so apparently wouldn't want to wait now. Our love for each other was strong, but when he was horny it was like he turned into a different person. A very scary person. He always apologized for it after, saying that it would never happen again, but it always did. It's amazing how I kept my virginity for even that long, dating what most people would call a horn-dog for so long.

I found myself trying to put together a way to just get through it, instead of finding a way to just say no. Frightened thoughts led me into a rocky slumber of heated dreams.

My older brother woke me up the next morning politely, by crawling in bed with me and nearly squeezing the life out of me.

"Oh, Jess!" I wheezed, pushing out tight chuckles.

"I can't believe my baby's sixteen. Oh, where has time gone?" he swooned in an overly-high pitched voice, soon after to let go of me. "Wake up, you boyfriend's here."

I whimpered and turned over. "No."

"...Why? I thought you loved him."

"I do.. I'm just, tired." I mumbled.

He leaned up and raised his brow. "Nanna, what's happening?"

"Don't call me that, I'll stab your eyes out." I warned, mainly for a change in subjects.

"You wanted me to call you that when you were younger though." he smirked, but then forced a fake, crushed frown onto his face. "Oh that's right, you're sixteen now. A young woman, oh dear. It's just too much to handl--"

I swept the pillow from beneath me and slammed it against Jess. "Get out so I can get ready."

"Ok, Sweet Pea." he skipped his way out of my room, gently shutting the door behind him.

I didn't know why the hell he was so glee right then, but I'm sure it had something to do with sugar. I chuckled and began to get ready.

Do I dress nice? No, cuz that'll make him want me even more.. so I dress like a welfare-child? Fuck it. I guess I'll just wear a t-shirt and jeans like usual..

So I settled with a tight-fitting Judas Priest t-shirt, dark blue jeans, and a pair of shoes that Bam passed down to me. We were pretty poor, so it's not like I had a choice between dressing nice or dressing like a rocker anyways.

I was so flustered when I walked into the kitchen, to see Logan and Bam playing with Tech-Decks at the kitchen table. Logan looked up to me in the middle of a mini kick-flip and stopped all he was doing.

"Hey babe." he hurried over to me and planted a kiss on my lips. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you." I answered, peering around to my family.

They all adored Logan. He wasn't exactly a model-citizen, but they thought of him as a good kid. I hated that.

He clamped his hand around mine and lightly swung it.

"You ready?"

"R-ready for what?" I asked, actually convinced that he asked if I was ready to fuck in front of my family.

"For lunch, remember? We're supposed to go to Brewsters."

I chuckled and dropped my head. "Oh, yeah."

"Have fun, kids. Be back by five, your party starts at six!" my mother called after us. As soon as we stepped outside, she began to swoon over the perfect love she thought we shared.

I rolled my eyes and got in Logan's car.

"Are you alright?" he asked, while pulling out of our stout, gravel driveway.

I looked to him and pushed an overly-joyful grin over my lips. "Of course, it's my birthday."

He nodded. "Yup."

The whole afternoon went by very well, but I was still very glad that we went home early, due to a couple early guests. They were all my brothers' friends of course, but I still used it as an excuse to return home.

It wasn't a humungous party, but contained all of my closest friends and for some reason all of my brothers friends. There was about thirty people over-all, but those people were all raging heathens so it was quite the gathering. Somehow, my friend Maral managed to get a keg.

It was pretty funny, actually, because she was already buzzed when she arrived. She crawled in the back of her truck, and just slammed her petite structure into the keg while Bam, my cousin Anna, and found amusement of her on the lawn.

Jess walked outside and snarled. "You guys are jerks. She brought a keg, and you're just watching her roll around in the truck?" he chuckled and hurried to her aid.

Bam shrugged and strolled inside. Jess drug the keg past us, while Maral was still in the back of the truck.

I threw myself in the bed of the truck next to her and poked her in the cheek. "Maral.. are you alive.." her eyes didn't open, but a smirk appeared on her face.

"He put his arm around my waste." she squeaked.

I rolled my eyes and left her, to go inside.

Big mistake.

As soon as I stepped over the threshold, Logan jumped in front of me and wrapped his arms around my waste. He began to kiss my neck and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

Luckily my parent's weren't there, but I'm sure that my brothers didn't enjoy the sight too much.

"Lets go to your room." he whispered, before grabbing my arm and slowly pulling me towards the hall in which my room was.

Only one person noticed, but that person was a very important person. It was Jess' best friend Deron. He noticed how worried I looked, and looked all the same as he watched Logan pull me into the bedroom.

I stood awkwardly, stiff as a board as he pinned me against the door kissing my neck. I was hoping that he would notice I didn't enjoy, but he carried on until he was standing shirtless in front of me.

I didn't move, I just stared at him until he got the point.

"You fuckin' tease." he uttered, and slipped the shirt over himself. "Are you ever going to be ready?! God damn, Hannah." he slammed his palm against the door behind me. "You're lucky I don't go off and cheat on you! What is wrong with you?! You don't love me?!"

"I do love you, Logan. I'm just not ready yet." I squeaked, while staring at the ground.

He hissed at me. "I can't believe that you're putting this off even longer, Hannah! It's not like you're a fucking virgin." he rolled his eyes.

I gasped and peered up to him, with a film of tears forming over my eyes. "I can't even believe you just said that."

"We all know you're not. I'm tired of you hiding this. You're a Margera- btrash/b."

I slammed into him with all of my might, only sending him back a couple inches despite his wirey build.

"Oh wow, that hurt." he scoffed, and pushed back towards the wall. "I'm tired of your shit, Hannah. Either you put out right now, or we're over."

"I'm not having sex with you!" I wept defiantly, and stomped my foot on the ground.

He pushed me out of his way and swung open the door. "You wouldn't be very good anyways." he muttered and charged out of my room.

I stumbled out behind him, drawing all attention to the two of us. He was stomping down the hall, shirtless and infuriated as I sobbed behind him.

Maral, who was extremely drunk at the time, knew exactly what had happened, beings I told her how nervous I was at the mall a few weeks ago. Just as Logan stepped out of the door, she tore from Jess' arms and slammed her fist against the back of his head.

I gasped and slapped my hands over my mouth, as I watched him whip around and start screaming at her.

"What the fuck was that for, dumb whore?!"

She snarled and pushed him backwards, topping it off with a very forceful smack across the face.

Jess snaked his arms around Maral's waste and pulled her back. "You better just get out of here, Logan. Maral isn't the only one who knows about this. You've got way more people to worry about than her." was all he needed to say, before Logan turned around and got in his car.

I couldn't stand all of the unwanted attention targetted on me, so I darted outside and started for the woods. I walked for away fifteen minutes, until I found a very serene spot in front of the river, that fully satisfied me. I sat down in front of it and put my knees up to my chin. About ten minutes later, a figure fell next to me.

I screamed, but to my surprise saw Deron sitting next to me.

"Oh my god! Deron you scared me." I took a sigh of relief and put my head up to my chest.

"Sorry." he awkwardly chuckled, but then looked up to me with a sober expression. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I whimpered, and avoided eye contact by focusing on the rivers violent current. Water folded over rocks, creating a relaxing splash and a very light mist of water. The ground we were sitting on was very close to the river, so was soggy and made our butts wet. I squirmed uncomfortably, until I found a place that was somewhat assentable.

He smirked and pushed a frizzy lock from his eyes.

"Novak threw a rock at his window."

I chuckled. "Why?"

Deron scoffed. "Umm.. duh."

"Well I mean.. what the hell? Did it break?"

"There's just a little crack, but Logan seemed pissed enough." he snickered and pulled his knees up to his chest. "He deserved it though. I don't know exacly what he did, Hannah, but.. he made you cry and it makes me so angry."

"It was my fault, I guess." I squeaked and dropped my head. "I- I told him last year that I'd have sex with him on my sixteenth birthday."

"I know, he told me." Deron said. "I about punched him in the face, the way he talks about you sometimes. But.. you just wanted to get him off of you, Hannah. It's not your fault. If you're not ready, he should respect that."

I nodded and began to put my hair in a pony tail. "Thanks, Der."

As I put my hair up, out of nowhere he leaned over and kissed me. I hesitated for a minute, but returned the kiss.

I giggled a bit after, but that was just how I was.

"... Sorry?" he asked, raising his brow.

I laughed and shook my head. "NO, don't be. I just.. giggle. That's all."

He nodded and stared forward. "Still.. sorry."

"No Deron, don't be." I repeated. "I really like you."

He smirked and nodded. "Everybody does."

"Ok, Derry Berry. Keep telling yourself that."

"Derry Berry?" he questioned.

"Yup." I chimed with a nodded. "Your breath tastes like berry's."

He scoffed. "Good luck explained that to your brother.. without getting my ass kicked."

I put my hand up to my chest and forced a hurt expression over my face. "Deron.. aren't I worth it?" I joked.

He leaned for another kiss, but stopped less than an inch before my face. "Yes." he whispered, and leaned forward just enough to brush his lips across mine.