It's Just Good Monkey Business.
Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean.
All chaos was happening on board the Black Pearl. She and her crew were locked deep in battle. But it was no ordinary battle, though. A maelstrom was ragging all around. And on top of that, their adversary was the Flying Dutchman, the most feared ship ever to sail the seven seas.
There was a state of confusion and panic below deck. Pintell and Ragetti stood at a gun. They had loaded it with gunpowder. They were just about to fire it, when Pintell frowned.
"Uh-oh", he said. "We're out of cannonballs."
"That's alright", said Ragetti. "We could always load the rum, like we did during the kraken attack."
"That's a great idea", said Pintell. His voice dripped with sarcasm. "Except you forgot one teeny, tiny little detail. The rum is gone!" he yelled. "As usual."
"So what are we going to do now?" asked Ragetti.
"We need to find something else we can use", said Pintell.
"How about this?" asked Ragetti. He grabbed Mr. Cotton's parrot, who was flying about.
"Are you daft?!" Pintell asked. "We can't kill Mr. Cotton's parrot. Otherwise, the poor bloke would have no way of communicating with us."
Mr. Cotton was a man whose tongue had been cut out, rendering him mute. He had trained his parrot to speak for him.
"I guess you're right", said Ragetti. "We couldn't do that to Cotton. It would break his heart." Then he spotted Jack the monkey. "What about him?" asked Ragetti. Pintell's mouth dropped wide open.
"That's even stupider than the parrot", he said. "And in this case, the outcome would be much worse."
"How come?" asked Ragetti. Pintell smacked himself in the forehead.
"Don't you ever remember anything?" asked Pintell. "Barbossa once told us that if anyone were to harm his monkey, he would punish whoever was responsible.
(Flashback)
It was more than ten years ago. Hector Barbossa had just mutinied against captain Jack Sparrow. He was now in charge of the Black Pearl. Not long after the mutiny, Barbossa had found a monkey. The monkey had taken an instant shine to the old captain. And Barbossa also felt an automatic, unexplainable connection to this small creature. One day, he gathered his crew on deck, to make an announcement.
"Gents, he said, "this here's my monkey. I've decided to call him Jack, after our former captain. I've become quite attached to the little fellow. I wouldn't want something bad to happen to him. If anyone so much as touches just one single hair on his head, I will cut off their butt, and mount it to my wall!"
(End Flashback)
Pintell shuddered at the memory. He put a hand on his butt, to make sure it was still there.
"My butt wouldn't look good on a wall", he said.
"Neither would mine", said Ragetti. "But it's a chance we have to take. And Barbossa told us that before we got cursed. Then when we got cursed, no one knew it would affect animals, too. The monkey's still immortal. Nothing will happen to him."
"Are you sure?" asked Pintell.
"Of course", said Ragetti.
The two friends grabbed Jack the monkey. He screeched in protest. But Pintell and Ragetti didn't care. They loaded him into the gun. What neither of them saw was the look of pure fear written on Jack the monkey's face.
"Wait", said Ragetti. "I want the little hairy thief to have this." He pulled his eye patch off from over his left eye. He reached up into the eye socket, only to stop when he found that there was nothing there. "Oh", he said. "Oops. I forgot."
Ragetti could only see out of one eye. He used to have a wooden eye. It was always falling out. And Jack the monkey had also been fond of steeling it. But the eye had really belonged to Barbossa. It was his piece of eight, which signified his status as a Pirate Lord. He had given it to Ragetti for safe-keeping. Now the eye, along with the pieces of eight from the other Pirate Lords, had been sacrificed, in order to free the sea goddess, Calypso, from her human bonds.
"It's going to be hard getting used to nothing but an empty eye socket", said Ragetti.
"Fire!" shouted Mr. Gibbs. Pintell and Ragetti fired the gun. Jack the monkey went flying into the unknown. Deep within their hearts, both Pintell and Ragetti hoped that they would get to see the monkey again.
The End.
A/N: 1.) The title was of course, taken from Beckett's famous line, "It's just good business." I just added the word monkey in there, since the story is about Jack the monkey.
2.) The butt-cutting thing, I got from an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants, called "Wet Painters." In the episode, Mr. Krabbs tells SpongeBob and Patrick, that if they get paint on anything other than the walls of his house, he will cut off their butts, and mount them on his mantle piece.
3.) This is NOT Moog. (Pintell/Ragetti Slash.) I've heard both what the writers said about them being gay, and what Lee Arenberg, the actor who plays Pintell, said about them being uncle and nephew. I just don't know who to believe. Due to my uncertainty regarding this matter, all of my stories that feature Pintell and Ragetti, will have them as friends. No, scratch that. BEST FRIENDS is what I mean. Because that's really what they were.
4.) On land they're, called cannons. But on a ship, they're called. That's why I referred to them as that. So in Curse of the Black Pearl, when Jack said "I know those guns", and in At World's End, when Will says "Ready on the guns!" what they meant was, the cannons.