A/N: For this to work, the ages would have to be a lot different. Basically, all the next-gen kids are at Hogwarts and I regret nothing! I don't like the idea of Teddy being a pedophile so he's only a year or two older than Rose and Scorp. Don't hurt me, please xx.
So, here's your daily dose of Teddy/Rose!Crack with a nice helping of Lily and Scorp.
Teddy considers himself an expert on girls. Well, maybe not Rose, but Rose isn't a girl. Rose is like a robot something.
When normal girls get mad at you, it's pretty easy to get them to forgive you. Just hook up a pretty girl with some flowers or chocolate and she's all over you again. Give Rose some chocolate? She'll eat them all and then accuse you of trying to make her fat and unattractive. Give Rose some flowers? She'll get hives because she's allergic.
Never give Rose flowers. Just don't do it, man. Do you have a death wish? Do you want to die?
It really kind of sucks that Rose isn't like most girls. How is he suppose to get her to forgive him? She caught him with Victoire in a broom closet and she's been pissed at him ever since. She kind of has no right to be pissed since Teddy and Victoire are kind of dating and she's the one who said she was okay with being the other woman, but she still very, very pissed. She's just weird like that.
If flowers and chocolate are out, what else is there?
"Hey Lily," Teddy asks one day, lounging on the couch in the Hufflepuff Common Room, "Have you talked to Rose lately?"
Lily doesn't look up from her essay, "I'm not getting involved, dude."
"But why not?" Teddy whines.
"Um, because Rose scares the shit out of me?"
"She scares me, too!"
"Then maybe you shouldn't have fucked Victoire in a broom closet."
Teddy sneers, "I did not fuck Victoire in a broom closet. I don't know how you ever got in Hufflepuff with that atrocious language of yours."
"I don't know how you ever got into Hufflepuff when you can't even keep your dick in your pants."
"So... you wanna go to my room and -"
"Rose likes bunnies." Lily says, effectively cutting Teddy off before he becomes even more of a man whore. She isn't sure why all the girls love him so much. Maybe it's because the pink hair shows that he's comfortable with his masculinity or something.
"Bunnies?" Teddy asks, "Are you sure? Rose doesn't seem like the bunny type."
"Well, you don't seem like the cheater type."
"I'm not a cheater!"
Lily gives him a you're bloody impossible sort of look, "Just go get her a damn bunny so I can breathe again. You're making the entire Common Room smell like cologne... and wet dog."
Teddy leaves soon after that to find Neville, explain to him his situation, and hopefully learn a spell that can help you charm something into a fluffy bunny rabbit.
"Um... noodles?"
"Albus Dumbledore?"
"Rocks?"
"Shaving cream panda?"
Teddy sighs, wiping the sweat from his forehead. This riddle is hard.
"Uh, Teddy?" Teddy turns his head to the side, coming face to face with the youngest Malfoy boy. The two of them aren't friends, but certainly not enemies. It probably doesn't hurt that Scorpius is a Ravenclaw so he can give Teddy inside information about Rose.
"Hey Scorp! Could you help me with this riddle thing? I don't know how you Ravenclaws do it!"
"What's the riddle?"
"I fly yet I have no wings, I cry yet I have no eyes. Darkness follows me; lower light I never see." The eagle knocker recites wisely.
Scorpius sends Teddy a look frighteningly similar to the ones that Lily was giving him earlier, "You're dumb."
"And you've got blonde hair. Is it state the obvious day or what?"
"The answer is a cloud."
The door to the Ravenclaw Tower opens and Teddy gives Scorpius a swift thank you before running inside. Scorpius had been so busy with insulting Teddy's intelligence that he hadn't even noticed the fluffy bunny clutched in the older Hufflepuff's arms.
Who was the dumb one now?
Teddy races through the Ravenclaw Common Room, ignoring the stares of the confused students. It's not everyday that they see a Hufflepuff with a bunny running through their Common Room like he was being chased by a psychopath with a chainsaw.
Teddy starts up the stairs which he hopes leads to the girl's dormitories, only to have the stairs suddenly become slippery smooth under him. He slips and lands on his face, sliding back down to the bottom.
He hears a familiar laugh behind him, "You really are an idiot, aren't you? Did you forget about the charm to keep the boys out of the girl's dormitories?"
Dammit.
Teddy hears a little squeak and he gasps, rolling over onto his back. He's never been more thankful when he realizes that Rose's new bunny isn't currently squished under his weight. That would not have gone over well with the Ravenclaw standing above him.
"Is that... a bunny?"
Teddy laughs uneasily, cradling the frantic ball of fluff to his chest. He scrambles to his knees and thrusts the bunny outward like an offering to his queen, "I got you this bunny in hopes that you would forgive me for... you know..."
Rose raises a ginger brow, "For what? Fucking Victoire in a broom closet?"
"I did not fuck Victoire in a broom closet! You Weasley girls really need to learn how to filter your language!"
"So... you got me a bunny because you hoped I would forgive you and then we could share a passionate romp in my dormitory?" Rose questions, lips pursed.
"Pretty much, yeah."
"Sure, if you dump Victoire."
Teddy freezes, his throat going dry and sweat gathering at his hairline, "I don't... I don't think I can do that, Rose."
Rose groans, "You're such a douchebag! I'm not going to be your fuck buddy, asshole! Getting me a bunny won't change that!"
"So you're saying I went through all this trouble to get you a fucking bunny and you won't even except it?"
Rose hesitates, "... Not quite."
She snatched up the fluffy bunny, holding it close to her face and giggling when it playfully nibbles on her nose. She cradles it in her arms before looking down at Teddy, scowling. "Now you don't have me or a bunny."
She struts away soon after that, her posse of Ravenclaw girls following behind her. One of them stops and whispers something about being available if Teddy ever needs a shoulder to cry on, but he doensn't even register it. All he registers is that he doesn't have Rose and he doesn't have a bunny and he just feels really, really alone.
He's pretty upset until he remembers that he has Victoire. Sweet, innocent Victoire who's a real great shag.
Maybe – just maybe – he doesn't need Rose.
He'll have to conjure up another bunny, though.