A/N: This is a belated Mother's Day story. Happy Mother's day to my mom and all of your moms. Remember, if the timeline seems off it is because I did that for dramatic effect. I hope you enjoy.
Eliza came home a bit early to find her husband and Philip in the living room. The coffee table was a mess but she wasn't angry about it, the poor thing had been through a beating since she had known Alex. They really should get a new one she thought.
"What's all this?" she asked.
"Out!" Alex said playfully shooing her away. She obeyed and walked into their bedroom in order to change into something more comfortable. While that was happening Alex and Philip were cleaning up.
"Do you think she will like it?" Philip asked.
"If it came from you, she would be over the moon," Alex reassured his son. All afternoon they had been making a Mother's day card.
When Sunday came, Eliza felt Alex slip out. As usual, he forgot to pull the covers back down and Eliza's feet felt the early morning chill. "Alex!" she complained. He merely kissed her and pulled the covers down.
Alex went to Philip's room to find Philip already dressed and smiling. "Ready?" Alex asked. Philip nodded vigorously and the filed into the bedroom where Eliza was just then deciding if she wanted to get up.
"Surprise!" Philip screamed and hopped onto the bed.
"Philip!" Eliza said as she was tacked by first her son and then Alex. They stayed like that for a few seconds before Alex stood up and pulled Philip up.
"Happy Mother's day mama!" Philip said excitedly.
Eliza had forgotten what day it was. A year ago, Philip was still too tiny to truly understand Mother's day. But now Philip was 4 and he thrust a piece of paper at her.
It was a card made out of blue cardboard that had been folded in half. On the front was a drawing of a woman that she assumed was her and a smaller person that was Philip. The two figures were holding hands. Despite Philip's age, he had a remarkable talent with art. He figures weren't just stick figures but crude sketches. Eliza knew her son would be a great artist someday. She had no idea where his artistic talent came from since neither she nor Alex was visually creative. Alex had his words and she her music.
Inside the card was a heart with words in it. She noticed it was Alex's precise handwriting.
Mama,
I love you so so so so so so so much! Thank you for opening the peanut butter. I wish I could give you a million, trillion, gazillion dollars! You are my favoritest mama! I love you from all the way from Pluto to right here!
Love,
Philip Hamilton
His name was written in Philip's hand since it was scrawled and slanted. Philip had just learned his letters and how to spell his whole name.
"Sweetheart!" Eliza said hugging Philip tightly. She would never let go, not now not ever.
The rest of the day was spent pleasantly. Alex could not cook to save his life. A meal to him was a tortilla and whatever he could find in the fridge. So, they had brunch at their favorite place and Philip chattered on about how he had made the card.
"I didn't want to spell anything wrong and I wanted it to be neat. I tried but daddy helped me!"
"I see that!" she said smiling and reopening the card.
"Do you really like it?"
"Of course! Anything from you is a gift greater than anything! In fact, I will put it on my vanity so I can see it every day."
"See, son? What did I tell you?" Alex said turning to Philip and wiping some syrup off of his face.
Philip just spent the rest of the day beaming until he went to bed.
Years later Eliza was boxing up the apartment she had lived in for 20+ years. She was going through her drawers when she found something that struck her to her core. It was Philip's Mother's day card from 15 years ago. Somehow it had gotten pushed under everything else. A brief flash of anger coursed through her, how could I have let this card fall to the bottom? What kind of mother am I? I promised to keep it out and now it has been in the drawer being forgotten!
But this anger gave way to the never-ending grief. She was after all boxing the apartment up because they were moving uptown. Uptown because Alex and she had decided to move somewhere quieter. Somewhere that didn't attract paparazzi. Somewhere far away from where their son had died.
Philip had been shot and was now lying in the ground. The funeral had been the week prior and everyone was still raw. This would be the first year she would not have all her children. She couldn't bear to think of May. That day would be terrible. It wasn't for the lack of a card or a phone call but because her first-born was gone. The world could come to grinding halt if only to see her son one last time.
MAY
It was Mother's day again. It was the first one since Philip's death and she wasn't sure what to do. She got up early and kissed her husband on the cheek. He wouldn't be awake for another two hours, just enough time for her to do what she needed to do. She scribbled a note and left it by his bedside table. Before leaving the room she spied Philip's card. She gently took it with her to the car.
She drove the 30 minutes to the cemetery. She was almost in a trance during the drive, parking and walking to his plot.
She found his plot easily. The new grass hadn't yet melded with the old grass and there was a clear rectangle. She stepped into the rectangle and look at the headstone. They had opted for a very simple one with just his name and dates. They had agreed to this because they didn't want his grave to attract attention. It was under a Hawthorn tree that was recently planted. Alex had insisted upon it because it would be beautiful in the spring and Philip deserved something pretty. Alex visited here more often than she did.
It wasn't like she didn't long to visit her son but to go to his grave would send her into a terrible spiral of grief and guilt. Her therapist had reminded her over and over that she should not feel guilt over not visiting. Eliza wouldn't be able to care for her other children if she went back. It was simply a fact of functioning. But today was different.
"Hey Philip, sweetie," she said kneeling down. She took her flats off and reclined on the grass. She propped the card on top of the headstone. She, Philip and all of the children would sometimes go to her parent's estate. Philip would often be out on the lakefront early in the morning sketching and she would sit beside him, reclining in the sand.
"I know it's been a while. I am truly sorry I cannot be here more," she said trying to find the right words. A dandelion was growing and she plucked it. She twirled the flower between her fingers while she talked.
"I don't know if you can hear me or anything but it's Mother's day," she said, "And I have your card from forever ago. I just want you to know, wherever you may be that I am still your mother."
She smiled slightly and continued, "That means I expect you are brushing your hair and making sure that when you fold your laundry that you actually fold it and not just ball it up and throw it in a drawer. I raised you better than that."
"But I am also always thinking of you. No matter what, where you are, know that mama is thinking about you and would move Heaven and Earth to make sure you're safe. Even up there," she said looking up, "I'm sure you're safe now. But mother's have to worry."
She hoped he was out of harms way now. She hoped that there wasn't a second death or an Eacker up there. If Heaven was really what everyone said it was, when she died, Philip better be happy and content. If not she would march right up to God himself and demand an explanation.
She felt her face flush with new found anger, her son shouldn't even be dead. That Eacker should be moldering away, he deserved it. Then she remembers Eacker had a mother too and she would be just as lost and distraught as she was. No mother should ever have to go through this.
Eliza sighed and looked back at the headstone. She liked to think Philip was sitting on his own headstone and swinging his feet. When they had buried her father, Philip had sat on her father's giant and grand headstone. She had scolded him for it but now she wished she could take it back.
"Angie really misses you. I'm going to visit her a little later today. Her therapist says she is slowly improving and one day back to her cheerful self," Eliza said, " It really is a different Mother's day. I don't think we will eat out this Mother's day. With you and Angie not at home, in it just doesn't feel the same. "
This is when a few tears left her. Everything was a mess now. Angie was never going to recover from the loss of Philip, she knew that deep down. She had lost two children in very different ways. Philip was at least safe. Angie was in a treatment facility and any shred left of her was buried deep down.
Eliza let herself cry. She hadn't cried this hard in months. Sure she felt depressed since November but now she let out a wail. She didn't care who heard her. Her son was gone and if the world had to hear her wailing they could suck it up and listen.
"WHY!" she screamed. She threw the dandelion far from her.
"Eliza?" someone said.
Eliza was about to tell the stranger to piss off when she realized it was Alex.
"Alex?" she said looking up. A flash of anger consumed her. Philip was dead because of Alex. She thought she had forgiven Alex but this moment it all came back.
"Eliza what are you doing here?" he asked sitting down and trying to pull Eliza to him.
"It's Mother's day!" she barked.
Alex just nodded knowingly. To say anything would incur her wrath and so the best thing was to simply listen.
"I had to make sure Philip knew I still love him! I had to comeback to this wretched place and make sure he knew he still had a mom!" she said her anger giving way to pitiful sobs.
"Philip knows you love him, he's a smart boy," he consoled.
"But does he? I mean I haven't visited him! I'm sure he thinks I have abandoned him, utterly forgotten him! I'm sure he thinks I failed him as a mother!" she spat.
"No! No!" Alex said firmly. "Listen to me Eliza, Philip doesn't think any of that. He loves you so much. I mean this card proves it."
Alex pointed to the card still resting on the headstone.
"But that was when he was a child before this mess."
"But a child's feelings are the purest. Unlike adults who can lie and deceive about their love, children cannot. Philip meant all of that then and means all of that now."
"I hope so. I hope he knows that even if I can't visit him like you do, that I still love him so, so much."
"He does."
The two of them just sat there for a few more minutes. The sun was now full up and it was time to get on with the day. Alex helped Eliza up and began to lead her back to the parking lot.
"Wait," she said, "You go on. I'll see back home."
Alex was about to ask her if she was alright but Eliza had already turned her back. So, he got walked back to his car and drove back to their house.
Eliza whispered, "Philip, I can't promise I will come back here, but I can promise you that I am I am always thinking of you. I will always pray that you are safe and sound. You will always be my son."
She kissed her index and middle finger and pressed the kiss on the headstone.
"I love you. You are always my baby, don't forget that. Mama's going to be with you soon enough and you can tell me about everything you've been doing. I can't wait to see you again, it's only a matter of time."
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