Assignment 9 Religious Ed: Totems - Write about someone's first time producing a Patronus. (Restriction: cannot be Harry or any member of Dumbledore's Army)
….
Sirius tosses his wand at an armchair and flops down onto the couch with a harsh sigh.
He's never been this frustrated by a single spell before.
He's never worked this hard on a spell in his free time before. It's supposed to be for leisure, not more work, for Merlin's sake.
The worst part is, he knows why it isn't working, and he can't fix it.
He can't cast a Patronus because all of his happy memories feature Remus, and Remus hasn't spoken to him in a month.
He has so many regrets.
Because the truth is he betrayed Remus in the worst sort of way, because he thought that Snape wouldn't ever actually follow words from the mouth of a boy he hated.
It was a mistake, but it was a mistake that put everything Remus is at risk, and that's not okay. He can't undo the damage he's done.
And to make all of that even worse, the one person he wants to ask for help is the one person he's not talking to.
The Room of Requirement produces more pillows, and that's how Sirius knows that something has to give. An inanimate room is trying to comfort him.
So he goes to James.
"Is it true that you can produce a Patronus?" he says.
James laughs. "God, you're a shit."
Sirius grins. "Seemed like a good way to bring it up."
James rolls his eyes.
"Look. Can you… help me?"
Sirius has never been the best about asking for help.
He grew up knowing he had to do everything on his own. He would never ask his mother for help, and his father was never around to ask.
James looks at him carefully, because James knows what it means to Sirius to ask.
Except that he's James, and he can't take anything seriously.
"What, do you need a good memory? What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?"
Sirius grins, giving him a saucy wink. "That would probably help, if you're up for it!"
James looks out the window, where it's cloudy but clear, not bad for a Saturday afternoon. "I don't think the moon is in position for hula."
Sirius tips his head. "That's fair. Is there another way?"
James grins. "Do you know who you're talking to? There's always another way."
…
James brings him to the Room of Requirement, the only room they've never been able to map.
"How about an experiment?" James asks.
"And what's that?"
"How about you concentrate?"
"Ooooh, wow, concentrate. Now there's a novel idea."
"It's just not cool to disagree with me when you've asked for my help."
Sirius rolls his eyes. "Give me actual advice and maybe I'll listen."
"Produce a Patronus or you'll never see me again!"
"Yeah. That's not sounding so bad right now."
James laughs. "All right, all right. Here's the thing that helped me the most — you've got to find a memory that's unmuddied. Something you aren't conflicted about."
"What's yours?"
"The first time my dad took me flying," James says after a pause.
His face goes distant for a second, and then he says, "Expecto patronum!"
A stag bursts out of the end of his wand and canters around the room. Sirius watches it, wondering what emotions he has that aren't complicated. His brother is a mess of emotions in every memory. Remus is currently a source of conflict. Mr. and Mrs. Potter make him feel happy, but there's always a part of him that feels like he doesn't belong because they aren't really his parents.
James is the least complicated part of his life, but James keeps leaving them lately to hang out with Lily, who is currently mad at Snape and talking to James about it, so even that's complicated.
He can't think of anything that's unmuddied, uncomplicated by mixed emotions.
Which is… kind of sad.
He thinks about his first time on a broom, his father yelling at him that Blacks had to be able to fly, to stop wobbling.
He thinks about being sorted into Gryffindor — something that made him feel both free and more chained than ever.
He thinks about changing into an Animagus for the first time, but even that is marred by the thought that he did it for Remus, before he mucked everything up.
He loves Remus. Remus loved him back, at one point.
But now? Now Sirius doesn't know.
He's not sure if this is the kind of thing that's unfixable or the kind of thing where Remus just needs time.
James and Peter tell him it's the second, but… Sirius doesn't know.
Remus had looked so angry.
He'd had James tell Sirius he needed space.
That had hurt the most. That Remus couldn't even tell him personally.
Sirius tries to catch hold of the first time he used his wand successfully, the first time he cast a spell, but all he gets from the end of his wand is mist.
He sighs. James claps him on the shoulder and says, "You'll get it, mate."
...
The thing is, Sirius never meant to fall in love with James.
He loves Remus. He does. More than anything. And he doesn't want to do anything to hurt him any more than he already has.
But there's been something about James since that first day on the train, meeting this boy who bleeds red and gold but who never once judged him for being a Black — despite having every reason to.
And he's always loved James for that but there's always been Remus. Remus, who's first words in Sirius's range of hearing were, "What sort of monster doesn't like chocolate?" Remus, who is soft scarred hands and cardigans and everything Sirius loves.
Remus, who hasn't spoken to him in a month.
And spending time with James and without Remus has reminded him of how easily he could fall for James, too.
Sirius has always loved too easily.
But he cannot betray Remus like this.
He cannot.
So he slowly falls in love with James and he says nothing at all.
It doesn't matter that Remus asked for space. Sirius still feels like it's a betrayal.
…
Two months into the silence, Remus sits down beside him on a couch in the common room and says, "Do you understand why I'm mad at you?"
Sirius takes a deep, shaky breath, knowing he cannot screw this up.
"Because I put your life as a student at risk. And Sniv- Snape's life at risk. I… I didn't take your secret seriously. And I didn't think it through."
Remus sighs. "That's a pretty good summary, yes."
"For what it's worth — and I know that's not much — I'm sorry."
"I know you are."
"Do… do you think you'll forgive me?"
Remus sighs again. "That's just it. I already have."
Sirius looks at him, eyes shining. "You have?"
Remus gives him a wry smile. "I love you. Even when you're an idiot."
"Can… God, can I kiss you now?"
"Feel free."
Sirius tackles Remus across the couch.
"I love you," he whispers. And then he kisses him.
"It's called dignity," James says when he finds them there. "Have some. It's free."
Sirius just beams at him and then goes back to kissing Remus.
…
The three of them are all in the Room of Requirement this time — Peter is serving detention for getting caught breaking into the kitchens.
"What do you think of?" Sirius asks Remus.
"Me?" Remus flushes bright red. "Erm. The first time we kissed," he mumbles.
Sirius grins. "Really?"
Remus shrugs.
Sirius figures, now that the guilt is lessened — never gone, but lessened — that might just work.
He watches Remus cast the spell — a hedgehog bursts out of the end of his want, and Sirius snorts.
"A hedgehog?"
Remus grins unrepentantly. "Hey, there's about a fifty-fifty shot that that's supposed to represent you."
Sirius scowls, but he knows that's true. Patronuses have been known to change when a wizard falls in love.
"Shut up," he says.
"What a marvelous rebuttal," drawls James.
Sirius ignores him, closing his eyes to focus on the first time he and Remus had kissed.
He thinks about being fifteen years old and unsure of how to fall in love, but knowing what sparks felt like when their lips touched.
He thinks about wanting to be smooth but coming off half-awkward because he knew, even then, how much this mattered.
He thinks about the way they'd pulled apart, and he'd opened his eyes to find Remus with his still shut, a small smile tugging at his lips — he'd been the most beautiful thing Sirius had ever seen.
He still was.
Sirius casts the spell.
A wolf bursts forth from the end of his wand.
Sirius feels his eyes go wide.
Remus is staring at it as it bounds over to his hedgehog, sniffs it, and then promptly curls around it protectively.
Sirius grins. "I did it!"
He looks over at James, and there's something unrecognizable in his face. Something SIrius can't place.
…
"Remus. If there's… something you might not want to know. Would you rather I was honest with you?"
Remus looks up from his textbook and rolls from his stomach into a seated position on his bed.
"I prefer honesty, yes. Why?"
Sirius hums. "I thought so." He tries to figure out to say this, before deciding to be direct. "I love you. But I'm also a bit in love with James."
Remus stares at him.
Sirius stares back.
After a moment, Remus blinks. "Is that… Is that supposed to be news?"
"Erm," Sirius says.
"Sirius. I've known that. Since like… third year. You really aren't subtle.
"And you're… okay with this?"
Remus shrugs. "I'd be a hypocrite if I weren't, given I'm a more than a bit in love with him myself."
Sirius stares at him.
Remus stares back.
"What?" Sirius finally says. "What? I… how… what?"
"Okay, first of all, can you calm down? Actually take a breath? Good. What part of this is stumping you?"
"I've been feeling guilty for months! Months!"
"Guilty? Why?"
"For falling in love with someone else!"
"Sirius, you can't help who you fall in love with. I've always known you have a lot of love to give."
Sirius sits down next to him.
"So what do we do?"
"Do you want to do something?"
"I…" Sirius pauses. "I'm happy. With you. Happier than I ever thought I could be. But… I don't know. It's not like there's something missing. It's like… we could be more."
Remus tips his head. "Do you want to think about it?"
Sirius frowns. "Do you even know me at all?"
Remus laughs. "Yeah, all right. Maybe I want to think about it."
Sirius smiles at him, soft and gentle.
"Then you'll have it."
…
Two weeks later, Remus comes to him and says, "I think we should try to date James."
"I think that's a brilliant idea. Now… how the fuck do we do that?"
Remus shrugs. "I don't know. I didn't even know how to date one person, you think I know how to date two?"
"In that case, we'll use my tried and true plan: winging it."
Remus buries his head in his hands.
"Sirius, that does not count as a plan."
"Sure it does!"
…
In the end, though, winging it seems to work.
They find James after Quidditch practice, Remus having coming to watch and do homework in the stands. It'd be easier, they figured, to talk to him alone that way.
James emerges from the locker room to find them both hovering there, awkwardly.
He frowns. "Lads? What… are you doing?"
"We want to date you," Sirius says without thinking. Remus shoots him a look, and then shrugs sheepishly at James.
"He's not wrong."
"Er, what?" James says.
"We both like you. We both want to date you. If you want to date us. Equally," Remus clarifies.
James stares at them.
They stare back.
"Is that… a thing we can do?" James finally asks.
Sirius shrugs. "Who says we can't? Well. I mean. Aside from my dickhead parents and basically everyone who already says Remus and I can't date for insert-reason-here."
James blinks. "Fair enough."
"But only if you want to," Remus stresses.
James turns to him and then smiles. "Oh, that is definitely not the problem here."
Remus can't help but smile back.
Sirius smiles at both of them.
It's too much smiling.
"Is that a yes?" Sirius says impatiently.
"I mean," says James, and Sirius feels his face fall. "Why the hell not?"
The words take a second to sink in, but when they do, Sirius throws himself at James. James, who is long since used to Sirius's enthusiasm, just catches him in a hug.
"Hey," Sirius whispers into his neck.
"Hey what?" James whispers back.
"Can I kiss you?"
"Please do."
Sirius does.
James kisses differently than Remus. Remus always kisses carefully, like he's something precious — at least at first. James kisses like it's a race, an adventure.
Sirius loves them both more than he thought possible.
When he pulls back to glance at Remus, Remus is staring at them quite fixedly.
"Rem?" Sirius asks. "Was that… okay?"
"Definitely okay," Remus says, a little breathless.
And… oh.
That's interesting.
Sirius smirks, and then steps away from James to kiss Remus, before pushing Remus lightly in James's direction.
Watching them come together, Sirius understands.
It feels like a revelation.
Writing Month: 2236
Moresome May: Pairing: using my teammate's, Remus/Sirius/James; word: harsh, word count:
Character Appreciation: 28. (dialogue) "Is it true that you can produce a Patronus?" / Disney: Q1: "What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?!" / Shannon's Showcase:10. Azerbaijan: Word: Moon; Theme: Overcoming difficulties / Book Club: Eddie's Dad: (plot point) not speaking to someone for a long time; (word) damage; (trait) stubborn / Showtime: 3. Valjean's Soliloquy - (dialogue) "Is there another way?" / Buttons: D1: "What sort of a monster doesn't like chocolate?" / Lyric Alley: 8. And you told me I should concentrate / AAA: 2. Limetown - (word) Experiment / Sophie's Shelf: 6. Detective Durpin: Alternatively, use the dialogue: "It's just not cool to disagree with me." / Emy's Emporium: 22. Polyamory - write about a romantic triad (or more) / Angel's Arcade:Bowser: (Color) gold; (Quote) "You'll never see her again!"; (Location) Castle
Film Festival: 35. Dialogue: "Can you calm down? Take a breath?"
Photography Month: 6. Conceptual Photography: Write about a bright idea.
Scavenger Hunt: 1. Write about a member of the Black family
Cooking: Chocolate Syrup: Word: Saucy
Chocolate Frogs:(Gold): Manticore: Challenge: Write about any part-human creature.
Geek Pride: Vampire Diaries: (dialogue) "It's called dignity. Have some. It's free."
Debate: OT3: Quote: "For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness." ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Insane House: Word - Leisure - (Free time)