A/N: Warning you guys. Spoilers, crack, hints of shounen-ai, and the infamous Caps Lock sentences. Enjoy~
Disclaimer: Dis is not my claim…er…
Of All the Things
"YO YO! Hey Iruka-sensei! Is this thing on?"
Suddenly, a loud, high pitched screech rang, shooting through the air with piercing volume.
"Mother of fucking ramen, this thing's a bitch!"
Iruka sighed, tentatively rubbing the scar across his nose as the blonde teenager stumbled, cursing every few syllables as thin limbs tangled themselves in wiry cable. "Naruto Uzumaki, since you were published in 1997 as a twelve year old snot-nosed brat-" "hey!" -technically, you're twenty two years old. Act like it."
"Hell no! Old people suck!" Naruto shouted, gesticulating to the slide show. A picture of Jiraiya popped up, his perverted leer somehow making its way off the screen and onto the readers. "Look how he turned out. Granted, he wasn't that great looking before…"
The teacher sighed again, shaking his head. Why in god's name did he allow Naruto to give a presentation to his class?
Without warning, a loud explosion erupted across the room and a smoke screen rose. A young voice cried out, "Hey boss! I'm gonna win today and beat you! Then I'll finally become the sixth Hokage!"
Iruka blanched. Here came Naruto number two.
Suddenly, Konohamaru screamed and a loud thumping noise echoed across the silent classroom. A pool of blood began to spread across the floor.
Naruto cleared his throat, waiting for all eyes to reach him before grinning. "I kind of expected this, so I made a shadow clone earlier. Smart eh? Don't worry! I just showed him my ultimate perverted jutsu."
"Excuse me," a feminine voice cut in. Naruto nodded, jerking his head at the girl's raised hand.
"Uzumaki-san," Naruto's heart fluttered. Oh shit, people were finally starting to give him respect!
"Could you please stop wasting time and get on with the presentation? I have a meeting with the idiot you knocked out, Udon, and Ibisu-sensei right after this."
A mental knife flew across the room and stabbed the blonde right in the heart. "O-okay. Fine. I'm ready now anyways."
Energy flared up and fire burned in cerulean eyes as a tanned hand shot into the air.
"Introducing Kekkai Genkai: Naruto Style!"
"Get on with it already!"
"Shut up! I'm gettin' there."
A picture of blood showed up on the screen and Naruto began to explain. "By definition, Kekkai Genkai literally means 'a technique limited to inheritance by blood.' They are abilities passed down genetically in specific clans." At this, Naruto coughed while at the same time, suspiciously muttered something along the lines of 'emo bastard'.
"Alright, so here's some pictures of techniques used by those assho-I mean Kekkai users," Naruto mumbled, half-heartedly clicking a button.
"Woah! She's so pretty!" a few boys burst out. Even the girls openly gaped at youth's face. Long strands of silky ebony draped an ivory heart-shaped face, smiling eyes fringed with dark lashes. Strawberry lips curved slightly and an exposed neck shined with pure whiteness.
"Er, that's not a she."
The class froze, staring at Naruto with blank expressions. He chuckled nervously, scratching his head with a sheepish grin. "Well, don't worry. Haku won't mind since he's up there, but he really is girly eh?"
"Well, before this gets more awkward," a click led to the picture of a sullen looking man, haughty jade eyes outlined in scarlet. Two identical red dots above his eyebrows and a three pronged spiral below the junction of his collarbone identified his as Kimimaru, the sole survivor of the Kaguya clan until a couple years ago.
"Yeah, I call him the calcium high dude since his bone attacks are crazy."
Before the class could get a closer look, Naruto pressed the button again. This time, it was two pale youths featured in front of the village gate. The girl smiled though her milky eyes looked away from the camera, a heavy blush darkening her cheeks. The boy, on the other hand, frowned, his mouth caught in an open scowl.
"These should be familiar people. Any guesses?" he asked.
"Hyuuga."
Naruto spun around, eye brows furrowing. "Shikamaru, what're you doing here?"
The pineapple-haired boy smirked slightly before it was quickly covered by a blank expression. "Fifth Hokage would never look here."
Naruto nodded understandingly. "Yeah, the old hag's getting a little too bitchy lately. It's cuz' Shizune hid her stash of sake."
"Well, I'm off to the nurse's office," Shikamaru waved, his hand jerking in a slight twist. "Pretty soft beds there. Keep up the presentation by the way. Nice to warn those kids unlike us."
"Thanks!" Naruto beamed, the whisker like marks on his cheeks curving. "Er, back to Kekkai Genkai."
Using a wooden stick, he pointed to the eyes, tapping them slightly. "This is Neji and Hinata Hyuuga. Because of their eyes, they can use something called Byakugan. It allows them to see the pressure points of chakra."
His eyes suddenly narrowed at the curious expressions. "Don't even think about getting these techniques because it's basically a given or a no go. Either you've got it and already know about it, or you're not getting one."
"Anyhow," he drawled. "The Kekkai Genkai comes with a few perks, but most of them aren't so nice."
"You!"
A boy suddenly shot up from his seat, blinking weariness from his eyes. "Me?
"Yeah. What do you think is the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?"
The boy frowned. "I don't really want to talk about it…"
Naruto groaned. "Honestly, just blurt it out. No one's gonna' think you're weak because of it. I'm sure there's a lot of kids who'll think you're badass after this."
"I was caught by a bunch of spies infiltrating Konoha once and was held hostage for three days."
Silence permeated the room as the boy averted his eyes, biting his lips.
Great, the boy's heart sunk as whispering and clamor began to grow. Now he's going to say sorry and I'm just going to receive more pi-
"That's not so bad."
The kid blinked, staring at the indifferent teenager. "W-what did you just say?"
"I said, that's not so bad," Naruto repeated. He shrugged at the disbelieving stares. "Trust me, I'm not saying it's nothing, but try to imagine this. Let's say you're five years old, playing with your cousin when all of a sudden, bam! You get captured by the enemy, a renegade warrior, or maybe even a spy. That person tried to take out your eyes just because they carry secrets. How 'bout that?"
"Ouch?"
"You've got a hell of a talent for understatement kid," Naruto sniffed. "Anyways, that's it for today. My missions complete. Time to treat myself to ramen~"
"Wait," Iruka cut in. "Isn't there another bloodline in Konoha?"
"Nope! I'm all set to go. See you kids!" Naruto began to skip out of the classroom, mouth already drooling in anticipation of sinking his teeth into the delicious ramen noodles just waiting to be eaten.
"What about a certain team member?"
Naruto froze. "Haha, nice try Iruka. Intelligence isn't a gift. Well, in Shika's case maybe. But Sakura's just one smart gi-"
"Sasuke."
An aura of depression instantly clouded around Naruto and Iruka backed up, horrified.
"You shouldn't have said that," a voice commented. Konohamaru stretched, eyes shut as he yawned. "That guy's name is taboo."
"Sasuke…sasuke…sasuke…"
"Now look what you did. He's going to go in an emo rant."
"SASUKE! I NEED TO GO SAVE SASUKE!!" Naruto screamed, hands clawing for the door. Konohamaru and Iruka quickly grabbed an arm in an attempt to hold the five feet five boy back.
"Moegi, quickly, fetch Shikamaru Nara from the nurse's room. Tell him it's a NDDSS alert!" the boy shouted, wincing as a sharp elbow drove into his stomach.
"NDDSS?" Iruka couldn't help but ask despite the situation. Dear goodness, Naruto really had been working out for the past few years. They were just barely holding him back, even with chakra focused in their legs.
"Naruto's delusional dream of saving Sasuke."
"Oh. Okay."
"Ugh. Not this again," Shikamaru mumbled. He stepped onto Naruto's shadow and instantly, the writhing blonde stopped moving.
"IT'S BECAUSE OF HIS SHARINGAN HE'S GOING CRAZY! I HAVE TO SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF."
"Hm. He actually has a point there," the lazy boy noted interestedly.
"SASUKE'S GOING TO THE DARK SIDE! I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF THEY HAVE COOKIES, BUT IF HE GOES, THEN I GO."
Konohamaru gulped audibly. "Maybe he's taking teamwork a little too seriously."
"I NEED TO RIP THE SHARINGAN OUT! THEN SASUKE'LL GO BACK TO NORMAL."
Iruka gasped. "Holy shit! I created another Danzo! Naruto, please forgive me."
With that, he swung a chair into the back of Naruto's head. A sickening crunch rang out as metal collided with bone and Naruto fell. However, caught by Shikamaru's jutsu, the boy merely slumped over.
As Shikamaru dispelled his justsu, Iruka caught his former student and threw him over his shoulder.
"Shikamaru, please take care of the class for a while. I need to go to Tsunade so we can wipe his memory."
Shikamaru blinked. Fuck, there went a perfectly peaceful day.
Outside the window and in the confines of a tree, a heavy sigh left Sasuke's mouth. He stared after Naruto and Iruka's retreating back.
Except for the whole ripping eyes out part, damn. It had been so close.
A/N: Review? xD They make a writer's world.