Do to the current events that have happened to me I've decided to start this journal.
All of these events are rather unpleasant...so I need to get a few thing off my chest.
I guess I'll start with the Circle. I'm not even sure I made the right choices. Was helping Jowan the right thing to do? Lily's most likely in Aeonar and Jowan...he's just gone. After years of being one of my most trusted confidants he's gone. The fact is slowly sinking in, Jowan is gone. He's gone because of my choices because of my actions.
If I hadn't have agreed on his stupid stupid plan then none of this would have happened. He could hate me all he wanted for going against our friendship, the choice would have been for the best. At the time I was to scared to refuse, I feared losing him. He was my first friend in the circle and I missed him.
I missed Jowan. I wish I didn't but I did. He was a maleficar a blood mage and I missed him. He lied to me. He deceived me. But I still find myself looking over my shoulder to tell him something just like old times, only to realize that he isn't there. It kills me not to know if hes okay, if he is safe somewhere out there.
Then there was Ostagar. It was a massacre so many lives where lost to the darkspawn there. All because an old war hero couldn't get over his prejudices, all because a young naive king only though of it as battle and glory. So many things have occurred in such a short amount of time, I fear for my sanity or what little of it I have left.
I knew being a Grey Warden wouldn't be easy and the alternative was rather unpleasant but being the last of two Grey Wardens. Expected to build an army to quell the Blight its all to much. My life has fallen apart and I don't think the pieces can ever be reassembled.
We are on our way to Redcliffe hopefully I have time to clear my head on the way there.
I miss my friends I miss my life. Everything has changed.
-Sirus