This is based on a Milady/Milord fic prompt made two weeks ago from tilie12, who asked for Jeff to write vows for someone, think about love and wind up thinking about Annie – which he does below.
How the hell did he get talked into this? Despite asking this 156 times in the last three years, it was still the only question that made sense here.
This latest case of Jeff doing something against his crumbling will involved writing vows. For a wedding. Even by Greendale standards, this was unique torture.
Three days ago, Andre asked Jeff's help to write his vows for his second wedding with Shirley. Now the wedding was tomorrow, and thanks to waiting until the last minute/having better things to do, Jeff only had tonight to write his draft. Then he had to come over the Bennetts tomorrow and help combine his vows with Andre's.
Jeff probably had Annie to blame for this, as usual. She was so wrapped up in her maid of honor duties all week; except for that one little moment three days ago. She just had to take her first break long enough to be "amazed" that silver tongued Jeff Winger didn't have big speeches for everything after all. Jeff only remembered the slightly sarcastic, teasing tone to Annie's voice when it was far too late.
One foolish agreement and 72 hours later, here Jeff was at his apartment, spending his night trying to write wedding vows. Greendale, Shirley and Annie had even taken the fun out of writing Winger speeches – the lowest blow they'd given him to date.
How the hell did they expect him to do this? Despite having successfully answered this question 155 time over three years, this one was a true stumper. Jeff Winger was a ladies man but not a wedding man, and this was fairly common knowledge. Pulling stuff out of his ass about love and weddings was not his thing – it wasn't easy to fake like a law degree, or speeches about how Greendale was awesome.
With that in mind, Jeff decided to….not so much quit, but put in the effort this demanded. If he was to save his sanity tonight, it would have to be little effort – even by Winger standards. However, Winger speeches were the only real thing Jeff put a consistent effort into; but he didn't need his best work here.
He'd just type a bunch of thoughtless clichés, have Andre read it and cut it down tomorrow, and then drift in and out of the wedding as originally planned. That would save him a bunch of time to spend on….non wedding stuff.
So with his confidence back, Jeff got ready to type the first half-hearted Winger speech of his career.
"Shirley, I love you." Yeah, that was generic enough to start off. "I hurt you so badly before, but I'm sorry and I'm here now." Another perfect cliché! Even half-hearted Winger speeches were awesome, as if he should have doubted it. Now he'd just throw in some clichés about what love meant and he was all done.
"That's the power of love, I suppose. Forgiving people when they're at their worst, even when they haven't earned it." Of course he left out how Shirley wasn't always as forgiving of the group as she was with Andre. She certainly didn't forgive and forget them all the time, thanks to her super Christian mommy guilt. Not like Annie, who forgave everyone and gave them countless unearned fifth or so chances, like Pierce and himself.
To that end, Jeff continued typing, "Love makes you seem naïve and childish sometimes. But sometimes that works for some people." It did work for Shirley, at least the second time around. And it worked for Annie, who could have dumped the group and him on countless occasions. Yet for all the ways they annoyed her and didn't live up to her expectations, she usually stuck by them, helped them against their will and even let herself learn a lesson or two.
"But sometimes people stick by each other and even teach them a few things, no matter how much they kick and scream." Annie certainly dragged Jeff into learning a few life lessons, almost literally sometimes. Yet when he thought about those times, he remembered how he wound up saving the day, or how Annie saved him, or how they had a laugh about it when it was all over. Then there were those times when it got too uncomfortable to…..just laugh.
"Being around you makes me feel things I never imagined. I thought my past made it impossible to feel them again, and yet you proved me wrong. You had no real reason to, but you did," Jeff typed as…..Andre.
"That's what love means to you, I've learned. You take chances with people, learn to take more risks in everything else, and you aren't shaken when things go wrong. Not anymore, anyway. Whether I've let you down or the world doesn't confirm to your standards, you find some way or another to bend it to your will. But you never lose yourself and you always find yourself again when you do. A person like that certainly knows the value of love and being loved," Jeff typed about….Shirley.
"You've had every reason to think you were worthless, thanks to me and the world. But every time, you picked yourself up, found a way to adapt and be the best Shirley you could be," Jeff continued, brushing aside how he clicked on "A" before deleting it and typing "S" to start Shirley's name. He was just going on autopilot to get this done faster. Nothing more.
"That's why you love everyone the way you do, because you know if it's possible for you, it is for everyone. Whenever someone needs you, I've seen you do everything to be there for that person. Because you know what it's like to be unloved and uncared for; even by those that were supposed to love you most. As long as you live, I know you'll never let someone near you feel that way, because they'll always know that someone does think about them and care about them. It took a while, but now I know how lucky I am to be so close to that someone."
At this point, Jeff was willing himself to just finish, print it out and not think about it anymore. It was crucial not to think; not tonight, not while he was typing, not after he finished typing and not tomorrow either. Just get this finished and don't question anything along the way, or it would ruin the entire night…..for reasons that didn't need to be questioned with more thinking. Get it over with and don't ask how or why.
"That's why I love you, Shirley Bennett. Even the things that can turn me off about you become turn ons over time." Leaving aside how Annie's work ethic, rigid structure, pushy nature and inability to back down on anything became turn ons.
"I love you because even when I can't stand you, I ultimately don't mind losing to you, and I'm even kind of proud when you get the best of me. In fact, while not everyone might think of you as fun, you might be the most fun, funny, worthy adversary and ally I know." Leaving aside how conspiracy lessons, playing Real World tapes and ratting out fake teachers were easier to appreciate and admire over time. Or perhaps how uptight, no fun schoolgirls were often more fun, hilarious and easy to just talk to than uptight, no fun Christian moms.
"I love you because no matter how you're underestimated for being a housewife and a Christian, you blindside them at every turn. Especially me." Leaving aside how Annie had spent years not being taken seriously for her age, Annie Adderall and her various missteps at Greendale. Yet she still stunned people and Jeff whenever she proved to have strength, wisdom and loyalty beyond that of a child – no matter how often she did it.
"But no matter how I've underestimated you and made mistakes, when I'm in my right mind I'd rather get tortured than hurt you. As if seeing you hurt and sad isn't torture enough." Leaving aside how Jeff often hadn't been in his right mind and had been tortured more than he'd like – especially since it was often his fault.
"But since I have been tortured over and over, I want more than anything to make sure it doesn't happen again. It may take my entire life to keep that promise, yet for the first time, I want to make that kind of effort. If I can reward your faith in me and keep seeing you brighten everyone else's life too, it will make every idiotic mistake I've ever made worth it. And if love and a woman like you can do that, maybe there's something to it."
"So in short after being extremely long, I love you, Annie."
There it was. Now Jeff just had to print it up and he could relax as usual. It was a little long, but Andre would probably cut it for time himself. At least he ended with a little joke and brought it back to I love you Annie to wrap it up….hold on.
Annie wasn't Shirley's name.
But by the time it finally registered, he couldn't cancel the print order in time. He might have gotten so panicked that he forgot where the cancel print option was, yet that was neither here nor there.
This was what happened when he deviated from the Winger speech formula! He got forced out of his comfort zone, had to change his tactics and spouted out all this nonsense because of it! He wasn't thinking, and he got caught up in stuff he wasn't supposed to get caught up in!
Well, it was time to fix that by erasing this, crumbling up the copy and just telling Andre he had nothing for him. Jeff would just have to ignore how Annie would be disappointed in him, and how it was the one thing that would go wrong in her maid of honor plans. Then she wouldn't even enjoy everything she did right and how she didn't melt down as everyone expected.
According to Abed, she watched his favorite wedding movies to learn what not to do, and scheduled daily times to panic before being flawless the rest of the day. It was such an Annie way to take on a problem, especially in how she was solving it…..and now this would put a damper on it.
Plus he probably couldn't talk to her for a few days until this went away…..and he stopped thinking about why he didn't do his job. He hated those times when he couldn't face her, needle her, have longer than expected chats with her….or even ask for advice without looking like he needed her, although she knew better. So much for promising not to torture himself like his speech said….
Wait a minute, it wasn't him saying that! That speech was for Andre, not for Jeff! Jeff couldn't become a lame, sappy girl and do all that stuff that…..just wasn't him! I mean, he wasn't Andre!
Andre had to be in the doghouse forever because he cheated on Shirley, but Jeff wasn't that much of a sap. Jeff didn't have to apologize for anything, no matter what idiotic notions Annie had in her head. If she was stupid enough to think…..things about Jeff, it was her idiocy for ignoring the facts, because people like Jeff Winger did not change!
People like Andre changed because they cheated, and lied and broke up marriages…..then came crawling back to make things right. They put in the hard work to earn someone's trust back, promise never to lose it again, let them pursue their dreams and support them, take care of their children, renew their vows and let the other people she loves pick her up too. Not Jeff.
After all, Jeff never had to go that far to earn someone's forgiveness! And here he was and there Andre was, so….there.
Here he was writing Andre's wedding vows for him, with nothing better to do all alone.
But these vows were stupid and inaccurate and had nothing to do with Shirley, so they had to go. Maybe he could at least salvage a few parts before deleting the other stupid things.
Yet as Jeff actually re-read his thoughtless speech, it pained him to realize – or admit – that everything he wrote really did sum up what Andre felt. He was this deeply in love, and he did worship Shirley like this, and he was planning on spending the rest of his life not hurting her again.
If Jeff wrote all this with Annie in mind, why did he get Andre right to a t? Maybe that meant it wasn't about Annie and it could be excused away!
But the Annie-esque voice in his brain was harder to drown out tonight. He could shut it out on a good night, yet after this, drowning her out was more challenging. So when it said that Jeff wrote Andre to a t because he understood exactly what he felt – and wished that he could be more like him – it was louder in more ways than one. Why else would he have written all this?
Because he was Annie drunk and he didn't mean anything he said/wrote when he was Annie drunk, just like always! But he had never been this verbal when he was Annie drunk before.
Nevertheless, he wrote things that just couldn't be true. Just like he did certain things with Annie that he just couldn't do. So then why did it take much longer to stop himself than usual?
Why had he been so clueless on writing about love until Annie slipped into his mind?
And if what he wrote was so false, why was it so accurate in describing Annie? She was all of those things that he claimed Shirley was. The only thing that couldn't be true was why he listed them in such detail. But then why would he list them in such detail in the first place? Why the hell did he cap it off by typing Annie's name instead of Shirley's? Why was he envying Andre, when Jeff never had to envy anyone but Annie – but himself, he meant! And why wasn't the usual guilt kicking in stronger than usual?
In fact, why was it getting weaker with every second? And being replaced with….relief?
"I love Annie."
Jeff did not type that statement. Yet he said it anyway.
Once it sunk in that he did say it out loud – and other things sunk in as well – Jeff's head dropped onto his keyboard. Then he realized his forehead typed gibberish in the middle of his speech, and quickly worked to delete it. After seeing how he panicked over it, although he wanted to erase the whole speech minutes earlier, he just sighed this time in response.
Following that, he typed Shirley's name in place of Annie's at the end, printed the revised speech and folded it up to present to Andre tomorrow. As for the printed speech that declared his love for Annie at the end, he folded it up and put it….somewhere other than a trash can.
After a fairly sleepless night, Jeff got up bright and early the next day for once. As he promised, he headed right over to the Bennett house, hoping that Andre would accept or turn down his vows without….analyzing them. Jeff just wanted to get in and get out, then black out for the next several hours before the wedding – and maybe for a few during it.
But since his luck wasn't destined to get any better, Shirley opened the door instead. After explaining that Andre was out for breakfast with the kids, Jeff lost all desire to even bring up the vows. If he slipped up while talking about them, he would have much rather done it in Andre's presence – but now he just wanted to get away from it all. Before he could reflect on another "it all" that he rudely dismissed, Jeff focused on making his withdrawal from Shirley.
"Listen Shirley, I just came to tell you that I couldn't do it. Andre's going to have to use his wedding vows draft, because I couldn't write mine," Jeff explained, as he consciously had to make himself stone faced while he was lying – for once.
"What? You're saying you couldn't write fancy words?" Shirley asked, which almost made Jeff visibly cringe. Such a challenge was why he got into this mess, only the last one was much more gentle and witty and….
"Shirley, you know that….subject matter isn't my thing, all right? It's not supposed to be, and I can't delude myself into thinking otherwise! It can't end well, so I'm saving everyone the trouble….so just let Andre use his vows, okay? He's the one who pulls this sort of thing off, not me." Jeff concluded, preparing to slip out and hope against hope that Shirley wouldn't tell Annie. Otherwise he'd probably have to skip the wedding altogether and-
"So you did write about Annie."
Well, that certainly put Jeff's plans to a halt. And all other brain activity, really.
Before Jeff could even stammer his denial, Shirley continued with, "Jeffrey, don't make a jackass of yourself by denying it. It's already going to be bad enough hearing Andre brag about this the entire honeymoon. So you might as well lower the boom that he was right right now."
"Right about what now?" Jeff asked, as he couldn't use better words at the moment.
"Jeff, Andre hired you because he thought you'd wind up writing about Annie. I….thought different, but you're not making that denial easy for me now, are you?" Shirley pointed out. Yet Jeff still tried to make it easier anyway. "Where did he….you can't….what put that idea into his head?" he ultimately got out if only to say something.
"He said he could tell how you feel….since he knows all about being in love with someone who's way too good for them. He said he knew what it's like to push someone you love away, tell yourself you can't change for them or fix anything, and still want so badly to do it anyway. He made himself change and be better for me, but he thought you needed a push with Annie. So he gave you this job because he thought when you wrote about love….it'd make you admit to yourself that you love Annie," Shirley admitted.
Jeff ran through all his usual Annie denials and excuses, but they stubbornly wouldn't fit into this scenario. So he finally bought time by asking, "And why was it his business to make me admit things? I guess you're not the only one with a big, butting in nose in this family after all."
"You don't want to get into noses with that big pointer on your face, okay?" Shirley reminded Jeff. "Besides, he butted in to thank you, if you gotta be that nosy!"
"What did I do? I rarely do anything, so it can't be that hard to narrow down," Jeff voiced.
"Jeffrey, you did do something big….you formed the study group. The whole reason I got over the divorce and could give Andre a second chance is because of you people. The whole reason I even met them is because of you….leaving out the sick reasons why you did it," Shirley grimaced, harkening back to the old days when Jeff made up schemes to sleep with Britta. "Andre knows that I got better again because of the group and you...and that you're such a good leader in large part because of Annie."
Jeff searched for his usual lines on how to deny that – but before long, he realized he didn't have any. Not for denying Annie's influence on him, anyway. Once he gave up searching, Shirley resumed speaking. "We already owe Annie enough for being my maid of honor and helping out so much with the kids. So Andre thought since he already owes you and her big time….he'd repay it big time by helping you get together. Once you wrote vows that turned into one big Annie confession, he figured you'd want to get your act together just like he did."
Jeff tried not to think about how he had wished he was more like Andre last night, but it wasn't as easy as he'd have liked. In fact, it was getting easier not to mind that as much. With more clarity than he expected, he then asked, "I'm the only one that wrote any vows, aren't I?"
"Yep….whatever you wrote for Annie, Andre's going to read it to me. I know, I'm creeped out beyond belief too!" Shirley admitted, even though Jeff was….feeling less inclined to agree. "But Andre said it'd be okay anyway! Since he thinks you feel the same way about Annie that he feels about me, he thinks your words would fit for me too."
Before Jeff knew it and could stop himself from being suicidal, he took out the folded piece of paper that contained his vows. "Do you want to see if he's right?"
"Oh no, hold on, I can't read those before the wedding! I know you're clueless about weddings, but that's a pretty basic rule!" Shirley insisted.
"Well, since the cat's out of the bag, you might as well read them now," Jeff responded. "I don't want you to read them either, but….I guess it was inevitable that you'd find them out."
"So you…..want me to read them? Even though I probably wouldn't like everything I read?" Shirley checked.
"At this point, worrying about your reviews is just too tiring," Jeff confessed, as it was too tiring to think of more stall tactics as well. After that sleepless night, all the personal epiphanies at his laptop, and after Andre's little scheme was uncovered….wasting any more effort on denial was too exhausting.
For someone who never put effort into anything, he had put in quite a lot of it to….hide certain truths. But actually trying to do something always caused Jeff nothing but trouble; and this was the worst example ever. So….he resigned himself to stop trying.
"Shirley, I've imagined you'd be ashamed of these vows ever since I wrote them. But they may be the best Winger speech I've ever written. Maybe it's the best thing I've ever decided to do. If you don't like it, then I'm willing to talk about it and make you change your mind. I don't want to love these vows and I know every reason why I shouldn't….but I do. If I'm too tired of denying it to you, then maybe that says something right there," Jeff trailed off as he sat down and prepared to be damned into Hell.
"So you….really love these vows?" Shirley asked in a softer tone than Jeff envisioned.
"It's not like I'm ready to say it over and over…..but admitting I love it twice will do for now," Jeff conceded. He dropped his vows as he sat on the chair and tried to figure out what to feel. Yet his search was put on pause when Shirley handed his paper back to him without reading it.
"Then I guess I don't need to read them after all. You already told me the gist of it…..deeper than I'd have imagined from you. Don't get me wrong, I still got a lot of nitpicking to do…but I've got better things to think about now. Maybe I still will when I get back from my honeymoon too. But if I don't, I won't recommend you to Hell right away," Shirley conceded.
"That's….one thing to be relieved about, so that's progress," Jeff admitted before giving his first half-smile of the day. But it disappeared when he remembered, "Now I just have to worry about Andre reading this thing. By the time Annie realizes why I wrote….like that, I'll be in denial again. Besides, even I know that weddings make you say emotional things you don't really mean! So she might think it's the same with me."
"Well, then say it in a way that won't let her think that, then! Or wait a few days so she knows it's for real! Just don't do some big 'Annie of it All' denial again and you'll be good! Look, me and Andre won't be around for a while after today, so we can't keep bailing you out, Jeffrey! You're going to have to do the work at some point, you know!" Shirley reminded him.
"Yeah, maybe…." Jeff admitted. "I'm usually like that when I have no other choice. I could still give myself some wiggle room….I usually did that when I was afraid. But there's been fewer things to be afraid of after these last 12 hours. And I crossed one big thing off just now, apparently," he gestured at Shirley before getting up and giving her his speech back. "So if you're not going to read this, would you make sure Andre gets this when he comes back? And tell him to read it as is?"
"I'll give it to him, but you're really sure he should read it as is? Sounds like you won't have that wiggle room after he does," Shirley recalled.
"I know. Maybe I'll figure something out by then...even if I don't, you really should hear him say this. Leaving out the reasons why I wrote this….I know Andre does think all this about you, too. And I know you deserve to hear him say it," Jeff made himself say, if only to warm up in case he had more sickeningly sweet things to say today. Shirley lit up, albeit not to an Annie-like extent, so he figured he was off to a good start.
Jeff smiled and decided to head off while he was still ahead. But as he got to the door, Shirley called out, "Jeffrey? If you're still not sure about talking to Annie…..don't decide until you see her in her maid of honor dress. I can't give anything away, and I did not help pick it out for you! But maybe you'll find it….inspiring."
Jeff preferred to believe she meant inspiring in a….non R-rated context. Otherwise he might become too sick to even go to the wedding – if only because Shirley made that suggestion. But he owed Shirley the courtesy of not getting sick in front of her – and it seemed he especially owed Andre the courtesy of not re-marrying a grossed-out bride.
Yet Jeff kept his stomach stable – at least in containing vomit – as he smiled and promised to see Shirley later before he left. And now that he'd given his official word that he'd be there….he was somehow looking forward to a wedding for the first time in his life.
This was even though the bride and groom would not be the main attraction – at least to him.