CHAOS
By Pintaci
Disclaimer:
None of these characters are my own. They're from the musicals Cats, Les Miserables, Rent, Phantom of the Opera and Sound of Music, and belongs to whoever has the rights to those musicals. And Dr. Mau belongs to Mooky and Rheow.
CAST
MR MISTOFFELEES- magical, the original conjuring cat
MUNKUSTRAP- leader of the jellicle tribe
ALONZO- the fighter cat among the jellicles
BOMBALURINA- the most beautiful queen of the jellicles
MACAVITY- the mystery cat, also called the Hidden Paw
TUMBLEBRUTUS- a young tom, spending most of his time getting into trouble
ELECTRA- a young queen, is always right, or so she thinks
ENJOLRAS- student, leader of the revolution, dedicated to freedom and justice
JOLY- student, hypochondriac, has a constant cold
JEAN PROUVAIRE- also called Jehan, student, poet
COMBEFERRE- student, probably the most sensible one of them
JAVERT- police officer, obsessed with arresting a convict called Jean Valjean
MARK- a young struggling film-maker from New York, Maureen?s ex-boyfriend
MAUREEN - a young artist from New York, Joanne?s girl-friend
JOANNE- a lawyer from New York, helping Maureen with her career, Maureen?s girlfriend
BENNY- Mark?s landlord, obsessed with building condos
ERIK- the Phantom of the Opera, lives under the Paris Opera
CHRISTINE- singer at the Paris Opera, in love with Raoul
RAOUL- Vicomte de Chagny, in love with Christine
THE FAMILY VON TRAPP, CAPTAIN, MARIA, LIESL 16 years old, FRIEDRICH 14, LOUISA 13, KURT 11, BIRGITTA 10, MARTA 7 AND GRETL 5- on the run from Austria and the Nazis
THE JUNKYARD
(MUNKUSTRAP, ALONZO, BOMBALURINA, TUMBLEBRUTUS, and ELECTRA are arguing. MACAVITY is hiding behind an oven. MR. MISTOFFELEES is lying in the pipe, trying to get some sleep.)
BOMBALURINA: But Munku! Why can't I get my own song for the Jellicle Ball? I'm much more interesting than Bustopher Jones or Jennyanydots!
MUNKUSTRAP: No, you can't have your own song! We already have songs and we don't need any new ones!
MR. MISTOFFELEES: (Aside) Oh, why can't the just be quiet?
BOMBALURINA: Why can't we just change some of the songs!
MUNKUSTRAP: Because.
BOMBALURINA: Because? Because!? Is that the intelligent answer from the jellicle leader? Because?
MUNKUSTRAP: Hey, I happen to like that word!
ALONZO: I agree with Bom, I want my own song too!
ELECTRA: You? Ha! What could we possibly sing about you?
ALONZO: Well, I do more for this tribe than Bom!
BOMBALURINA: Excuse me???
ALONZO: I do! Just look at the Macavity-thing. I fight him, risking my own life, just to save the tribe, and all you do is sing about the guy!
MACAVITY: (aside) I like her actions better.
MR. MISTOFFELEES: (aside) I need sleep!!!
MUNKUSTRAP: Look, no one is getting any new songs, and that's it! I'm the jellicle leader, so I decide!
ELECTRA: Great! We're living in a dictatorship!
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Cool! I always wanted to be a seaman!
ELECTRA: Oh, shut up, Tumble!
ALONZO: But what about Grizabella? We need a replacement for her song.
MUNKUSTRAP: Oh, I've already taken care of that myself.
BOMBALURINA: Without asking anyone else!?
ELECTRA: Who do you think you are?
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Oh! Spice Girls! I love them! (starts singing) Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are?
ELECTRA: Oh, shut up, Tumble!
TUMBLEBRUTUS: (singing) Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show me how good you are!
ELECTRA, BOMBALURINA, ALONZO, MUNKUSTRAP: Shut up Tumble!!!
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Sorry! Chill, ok?
MR. MISTOFFELEES: (aside) I don't think I can take this much longer!
BOMBALURINA: So? Munku? This song? Who is it about?
MUNKUSTRAP: Dmtr
ALONZO: Sorry?
MUNKUSTRAP: Demeter?
ELECTRA, BOMBALURINA, ALONZO: What!?
ALONZO: I don't believe you!
BOMBALURINA: That little *beep*!
ELECTRA: Can we say "nepotism"?
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Nepo… what?
ELECTRA: Oh, shut up Tumble!
MACAVITY: (aside) He's just trying to impress her, but I won't let him get away with this! Demeter is mine! Mine, mine, mine!!
MISTOFFELEES: OK, THAT DOES IT! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR 48 HOURS, AND WHEN I DON'T GET MY BEAUTISLEEP, I GET JUST A TINY BIT CRANKY! GO AWAY! ALL OF YOU, GO AWAY!!!
(a cloud of smoke appears, and mystical music is heard. When the cloud is gone, so are MUNKUSTRAP, BOMBALURINA, ALONZO, ELECTRA, TUMBLEBRUTUS and MACAVITY)
MR. MISTOFFELEES: Finally, some peace and quiet! Hmm, wonder where I sent them?
PARIS 1832
(A number of students and other people are busy building a barricade, and shouting not-so-nice things to the police. Among them are ENJOLRAS, COMBEFERRE, JEAN PROUVAIRE and JOLY. Suddenly five cats appears)
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Awesome!
ALONZO: I'm gonna kill Mistoffelees!
ELECTRA: I've got a feeling we?re not in Kansas anymore?
MUNKUSTRAP: Kansas? I thought we were from London.
(JOLY rushes over and sticks his tongue out at ELECTRA)
ELECTRA: Hey! Didn't your mother teach you that that isn't very polite?
JOLY: Does by tongue look fuddy to you? Isn't it a bit greebish?
ELECTRA: No, not really.
JOLY: Oh. But what about by face? By cheeks are a bit blue, ared't they? I fear I'b developig typhoid fever.
ELECTRA: Sorry to disappoint you, but you look pretty healthy to me.
JOLY: Really? Well, thanks adyway. (runs over to ENJOLRAS) Edjy? I think there is sobething wrong with by eyes.
ALONZO: That was weird! Humans aren't supposed to be able to understand us.
ELECTRA: Oh come on Lonzo! This is fiction!
ALONZO: Ha! The author must suffer from severe lack of inspiration since she has to bring in the nutcases from Les Mis.
AUTHOR: Lonzo, if you don't shut up, I'll have Cosette throw you in the Seine!
ALONZO: Oh, I think I touched a soft spot there?
AUTHOR: I'm warning you!
ALONZO: Ok, ok, I'll be quiet. My, aren't we touchy today?
JEAN PROUVAIRE: (comes up to BOMBALURINA) Mademoiselle, you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen on this earth! Your eyes are the colour of the deep sea, your fur is like the sunset, and your ears are so… pointy!
BOMBALURINA: Why, thank you Monsieur! (glares at MUNKUSTRAP) Nice to see that someone appreciate me.
JEAN PROUVAIRE: Ah, but who wouldn't? Your beauty is breathtaking! Now, if you'll excuse me Mademoiselle, I have to go write a poem about you. (moves off)
COMBEFERRE: (to JEAN PROUVAIRE) You do realise that she's a cat, right?
JEAN PROUVAIRE: Oh, Combeferre, you have such a narrow outlook!
COMBEFERRE: Whatever you say Jehan. (moves over to the cats) Hello! Where did you come from?
MUNKUSTRAP: We're from London. I think… It might be Kansas though? We haven't really figured that part out yet.
BOMBALURINA: Oh dear Bast, I'm surrounded by idiots!
JEAN PROUVAIRE: (aside) Should I compare thee to a summer's day? Nah, too ancient.
COMBEFERRE: It doesn't matter where you come from really, but will you help us?
ELECTRA: With what?
COMBEFERRE: Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me? Beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see? Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be free!
BOMBALURINA: Nice speech!
COMBEFERRE: Thanks! I'm pretty proud of it myself.
ALONZO: Fight? Sure! I'm in! Fighting is what I do best.
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Awesome dude!
MUNKUSTRAP: Are you the leader of this revolution?
COMBEFERRE: No, that's Enjolras. He's the one in the red vest, standing at the barricade over there, waving that big, red flag.
MUNKUSTRAP: Oh, I see.
ELECTRA: Isn't that kind of stupid? I mean, doesn't it get easier for the police to shoot him when he's doing that?
COMBEFERRE: I've tried to tell him, but he just won't listen!
BOMBALURINA: Oh believe me, we know all about leaders who doesn't listen.
MUNKUSTRAP: Hey, I heard that!
BOMBALURINA: Yeah, well I said it out loud.
MUNKUSTRAP: Oh, ok.
JEAN PROUVAIRE: (aside) My love, thou art like a rose? No, that's not good either.
COMBEFERRE: But what do you say? Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand…
BOMBALURINA: (interrupting) You said that already.
COMBEFERRE: Oh, sorry.
MUNKUSTRAP: Sure, we'll help you. But could I just use your phone first? I have to call Demeter, she must be worrying sick about me.
COMBEFERRE: Hey, this is 1832, remember? We don't have phones. Graham Bell isn't even born yet.
MUNKUSTRAP: Darn! I forgot that!
BOMBALURINA: Now, why doesn't that surprise me?
ENJOLRAS: (catching sight of BOMBALURINA and ELECTRA) AAAHHH!!! What are they doing here? They're not allowed to be here! Get them away from here!
ELECTRA: What's he talking about?
ENJOLRAS: Women! They can't be here!
ELECTRA: Hey! Isn't equality one of the things you're fighting for?
ENJOLRAS: Equality among men, yes. We can't have women here! You will distract my men!
BOMBALURINA: The only one who seems distracted here are you.
COMBEFERRE: Don't mind him, he's just shy.
ALONZO: Shy? Scared to death is more like it.
JOLY: Cobe on Edjy, you never bided Epodide being with us all the tibe.
ENJOLRAS: What? Ponine's a girl? I didn't know that!
(RAOUL and CHRISTINE enters)
RAOUL: Oh Christine, I love you!
CHRISTINE: Oh Raoul, I love you too!
(They kiss)
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Ew!
MUNKUSTRAP: God, I miss Demeter.
ENJOLRAS: Another woman! Help! (Hides behind JOLY)
JOLY: Great, Edjy, could you check by back? I think I bight have the bubodic plague.
COMBEFERRE: (walks over to RAOUL and CHRISTINE) Wonderful! More people! Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me? Beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see? Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be free!
ALONZO: Isn't that the exact same this he said to us?
RAOUL: Of course I will help you my friend.
CHRISTINE: Raoul, don't!
RAOUL: Oh, but Christine, I have to! I am a nobleman, and I have to help these poor peasants and workers! They need me!
CHRISTINE: Oh Raoul! But Raoul, you might get hurt!
RAOUL: Just think about it Christine! It'll be like we're doing it for the Eiffel tower!
CHRISTINE: Or the Triumphal Arch!
RAOUL: Or Champs Elysse!
CHRISTINE: It'll be like we're doing it for…
RAOUL and CHRISTINE: For Eurodisney!
JOANNE: CUT!!! How many times do I have to tell you guys? It?s Notre Dame, not Eurodisney! It's supposed to be the nineteenth century! Eurodisney doesn't exist! Heck, Mickey Mouse doesn't even exist! Read your scripts for God's sake!
CHRISTINE: Sorry! It's not our fault this entire dialog is stolen from Grease 2!
JOANNE: Well, don't blame me! I didn't write this!
AUTHOR: Hey! Why is everyone picking on me all the time!
ALONZO: Cause it's so easy!
MARK: You know Joanne, I'm thinking it might actually be kind of cool if they said Eurodisney instead of Notre Dame, you know, it'll give the movie this suggestive feeling, a symbolic meaning of the time we're living in, the invisible limit between present and past, myth and reality, like the mists of Avalon, you know.
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Far out!
BOMBALURINA: What, you understood what he was talking about?
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Nah, I don't have a clue, but it sounded way cool!
ELECTRA: Oh, shut up Tumble!
JOANNE: Look Mark, see that chair over there? The one that says "Director"?
MARK: Yeah.
JOANNE: That's my chair. So, why don't you just continue doing your camera-thing, and I'll do the directing, ok?
MAUREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is all very interesting, but what I'm wondering is when am I going to make my big entrance?
MARK: Er, your what?
MAUREEN: My big entrance. After all, I am the star of this movie.
JOANNE: Well, actually you're not.
MAUREEN: WHAT!?
MARK: You see, Joanne and I decided to give you a more… eh… discreet role in the movie.
MAUREEN: So, what? I don't have a part at all, is that what you're saying?
MARK: Oh, no, no, no! Of course you have a part! See here! (holds up script) You are Dining Woman number 3, see?
MAUREEN: Dining Woman number 3? DINING WOMAN NUMBER 3!!!??? Who do you think I am? This is not how it's supposed to be!
JOANNE: What do you mean?
MAUREEN: You two! You're working together against me! This isn't the way I planned it! You should be hating each other, both of you fighting for my undying love and affection! I am the star! The biggest!
ELECTRA: What did you say your name was again? Norma Desmond?
MAUREEN: You! Author person! You set them up to this, didn't you?
AUTHOR: Me? I wouldn't dream of it! Honest!
ALONZO: Yeah, right!
MAUREEN: This is a conspiracy! You're all against me! I'm gonna find out who's responsible for this!
JOLY: Oh, go jump over the boon or sobething!
AUTHOR: Ok, this is getting boring! Change of scenes!
(In the Phantom's lair, under the Paris Opera. ERIK, JAVERT, BENNY and MACAVITY are sitting round a table.)
ERIK: And so, I hereby declare the annual meeting of the Bad Guys Club open!
JAVERT: Nooo, that's not our name and you know it!
ERIK: Oh, but it's so hard to say.
BENNY: Oh, come on Erik, you can do it!
ERIK: (sighs) Ok. I hereby declare the annual meeting of the Characters Who Are Often Mistaken As Really Evil And Bad Guys But Really Only Are Misunderstood And Would Really Like To Get Some More Appreciation Club. Did I get that right?
MACAVITY: Eh, I think so, I don't really remember all the words.
BENNY: Wasn't it something about Peace and Harmony somewhere in there too? Oh, never mind.
JAVERT: What's on the agenda today?
ERIK: Eh, let's see? (shuffling through a pile of papers) Oh, here we have it. Today we are going to figure out which one of us you should feel most sorry for. Fun! So, anyone want to share some thoughts here? Javert?
JAVERT: Well, I don't even know what I'm doing here? I mean, I don't understand why people think I'm the bad guy in the first place? I'm a police officer, I'm just doing my job! Half of the ensemble are criminals, Jean Valjean, Thernadiér, Gavroche, Eponine, but does anyone complain about them? Nooo! They seem to think everything is my fault! (begins to sob) It?s not fair!
ERIK: Ok, Javert, this is good. You need to get your feelings out in the open. I really feel we're making progress here. I know how you feel, it's not easy being us.
MACAVITY: What do you have to complain about? You have to most important role in your musical! It's even named after you!
ERIK: Well, sure, the Phantom of the Opera. I hate that title! I mean, I do have a name, Erik, it's a great name! Why doesn't anyone want to use it? They just keep on screaming: AAAAHHH! He's here! The Phantom of the Opera!? It sounds so stupid! Makes me sound like a guy running around in a black cape, scaring people.
BENNY: Erik, you do run around in a black cape, scaring people.
ERIK: Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot about that.
JAVERT: I can understand how you feel, Erik. People only call me by my last name, Javert.
MACAVITY: Well, what is your first name?
JAVERT: I don't know! (begins to sob again) I'm not sure I even have one!
MACAVITY: Oh, I'm sure you have one. Ok, you people who read this, if you know what Javert's first name is, let us know, ok?
ERIK: There Javert, does that make you feel better?
JAVERT: No. I think I'll just go jump off a bridge or something.
BENNY: No, don't do that! You can't swim, remember?
JAVERT: Well, that's the point isn't it? I?m not supposed to swim! I'm supposed to drown!
BENNY: Sorry, just trying to help.
JAVERT: Well, I didn't mean to blow up like that. But you guys don't have to die in every single show, do you? It just makes me a bit edgy, you know?
ERIK: Hey, Mackie, you die don't you?
MACAVITY: I don't know actually. I do get a lot of electricity through my body, but it could just be a very smart trick to disappear. You have to talk to Lloyd Webber about that.
ERIK: He seems to be fond of things like that. I mean, I also do this disappearing-thing in the end of every show. I have no idea what happens to me. It's really irritating.
(Benny's cell phone rings)
BENNY: Hello? Oh, hi baby. What? No, I can't be home in five minutes. Why? Because I'm in Paris, that's why! It's very hard to get from Paris to New York in five minutes. No. No, Mimi's not here. Oh, Allison, would I lie to you? The guys, you know, Mackie, Erik and Javert. WHAT? Mark's here, in Paris? How did he afford to go here, he doesn't even have enough money to pay the rent! Ok, yeah, buy honey. See ya later. (hangs up) Ok, where were we?
MACAVITY: We're trying to determine which one of us you should feel most sorry for, and that phone-call, my dear Benny, certainly ruled you out!
BENNY: What do you mean?
JAVERT: You're married!!! You're the only one of us who?s loved by someone! (starts sobbing) No one loves me!
BENNY: Oh, great, here we go again!
ERIK: Now, don't yell at Javert, Benny! Crying is good! You should let your feelings out more often! It's not good to just bottle everything up like you do.
BENNY: Well, who died and made you the shrink?
ERIK: Well, Dr Mau is so busy with all those weird girls at the jelliclejunkyard mailing list, so I'm helping her out a bit.
BENNY: Aha, and does Dr. Mau know that you're helping her?
ERIK: Of course! I told her!
BENNY: Did you really?
ERIK: Yes! Very quietly?
BENNY: Go on!
ERIK: When she was sleeping?
BENNY: Mhmm.
ERIK: In another part of the town?
BENNY: So she doesn't know?
ERIK: Hey, it's not my fault if she's got bad hearing!
MACAVITY: Could we get back to the subject here please? You know, what really bugs me is that all the chicks?
AUTHOR: (interrupting) Chicks?
MACAVITY: Yeah, chicks! You know, babes!
AUTHOR: You are not using words like that in my story!
MACAVITY: Why not?
AUTHOR: It's degrading for us women!
BENNY: Yippee! Another feminist!
AUTHOR: Shut it, you sexist pig!
MACAVITY: Ok, ok, calm down! I'll do it again! You know, what really bugs me is that all the women and queens always go for the boring all-around-nice guy every time. Better?
AUTHOR: Yes. Thank you very much!
ERIK: Yeah, I know what you mean, Christine and Raoul.
MACAVITY: Demeter and Munkustrap.
BENNY: Mimi and Roger.
MACAVITY: Hey, you're married!
BENNY: So? That never stopped me before.
(Everyone looks expectantly at JAVERT)
JAVERT: (sniffs) Well, what am I supposed to say? See? I don't even have anyone to fall in love with in my musical! (starts crying hysterically)
BENNY: This is getting old, you know.
AUTHOR: Oh, come on Javert, don't cry!
JAVERT: No one loves me!!!
AUTHOR: What about I write a fic about you, where someone loves you? Wouldn't that be nice?
JAVERT: (sniffs) Promise?
AUTHOR: I promise!
JAVERT: With a happy ending?
AUTHOR: Well, I kind of like tragic endings.
(JAVERT's bottom lip starts trembling)
AUTHOR: Ok, ok! Happy ending!
JAVERT: Great!
AUTHOR: Well, it?s been fun boys, but I really should check on the others, to see if they killed each other yet. See you later!
(Back at the barricade)
AUTHOR: I'm back! So, what?s been happening here?
COMBEFERRE: Oh, just the usual stuff. Mark, Maureen and Joanne are still yelling at each other, Munkustrap and Alonzo are sleeping, Enjolras is hinding from Electra's feminist-speach under a table in Cafe de l'ABC, Bombalurina is flirting with the students, Christine and Raoul are kissing, Jehan is writing his poetry, Joly has come up with seven new tropical deseases, and Tumblebrutus has fallen in the river twice.
AUTHOR: Oh, so nothing out of the ordinary then?
COMBEFERRE: Nah.
JEAN PROUVAIRE: (rushes over) Hey! I finished my poem! My masterpiece is finally done! At last!
COMBEFERRE: Yeah, it took you over two hours, this must be good.
(Everyone gathers around JEAN PROUVAIRE, who turns to BOMBALURINA)
JEAN PROUVAIRE: I call it "Ode to Bombalurina".
BOMBALURINA: Mmm, nice title!
JEAN PROUVAIRE: (clears his throat) A cat. Sat. On a hat.
(Silence)
JEAN PROUVAIRE: Well, what did you think?
JOLY: Wasn't it a bit short?
ALONZO: (snickers) Oh, Bom, it really reminds me of you!
BOMBALURINA: Shut it, Lonzo!
JEAN PROUVAIRE: Was it too deep?
RAOUL: Oh, no, I think we all understood it?
CHRISTINE: I think it's terribly romantic!
JOANNE: What? That?
CHRISTINE: Yes! Raoul, why don't you ever write me any poems? (sobs) Don't you love me anymore? Some poems, that's all I ask of you!
RAOUL: Oh, Christine of course I love you! I'll write you poems, tons of them! Love me, that's all I ask of you!
JOANNE: This is pathetic!
MAUREEN: You're just jelous!
JOANNE: Yeah, right!
(SPLASH!!!!)
ALONZO: (sighs) Tumble fell in the river again!
COMBEFERRE: That cat is beginning to get on my nerves! We don't have time for this! We have a revolution to organise! Hey, speaking of that, where?s Enjy?
ELECTRA: Still hiding under that table I suppose. That guy has serious problems!
JOLY: I'll go get hib. I deed to take by bedicide adyway. (he leaves)
BOMBALURINA: What did he say?
COMBEFERRE: He needs to take his medicine anyway. You'll get use to how he talks after a while.
AUTHOR: Hello!? What about Tumble?
MARK: What about him?
AUTHOR: He's still in the river you know!
MUNKUSTRAP: Well, he needed to take a bath anyway.
AUTHOR: Munkustrap!!!
ALONZO: Do we really have to fish him up? I mean, what use do we have of him? He's just irritating, and gets into trouble all the time! We'd be better off without him!
AUTHOR: Well, I see your point, but I always thought he's kind of cute!
ALONZO: I'm gonna tell Coricopat you said that!
AUTHOR: Then I'll tell Cassandra you've been flirting with Maureen the entire day!
ALONZO: I have not!!!
AUTHOR: No, but I can still tell her that. (smiles sweetly) Now, go help Tumble! All of you!
MUNKUSTRAP: Well, I'm not jumping in after him!
ELECTRA: Don't look at me!
JEAN PROUVAIRE: Do you know how expensive this suit was?
MAUREEN: I'm not getting myself wet!
CHRISTINE: I'm not ruining my hair!
RAOUL: I can't swim.
JOANNE: I've got this problem with my ears, you see?
ALONZO: I think the water's toxic.
AUTHOR: GO HELP HIM!!!
(a loud whistle is heard, followed by the sound of people marching)
MUNKUSTRAP: Ok, ok, we'll help him! Geez, you didn't have to bring in the army!
COMBEFERRE, JEAN PROUVAIRE and JOLY and ENJOLRAS (who have returned): The army!? What? AAAHHHH!!!!
ENJOLRAS: Damn their warnings, damn their lies, they will see the people rise!
JOLY: But it's the arby!
ENJOLRAS: There are ways that a people can fight. We shall overcome their power!
ELECTRA: Says the man who spent the entire afternoon under a table…
AUTHOR: Hey, no need to worry! It's not the army, it's the Family von Trapp!
COMBEFERRE: I would have prefered the army.
RAOUL: Oh no, not them!
ALONZO: The Family von Trapp? Sound of Music!? Oh come on Author-person, now you really crossed the line! I mean, Rent is ok, Les Mis, fine I'll live, Phantom, eh.. no comments, but Sound of Music! What?s next? The Pink Ladies are gonna come in giggling? Maybe the little steam train Rusty will come skating? WHAT KIND OF FIC IS THIS!???
AUTHOR: It's my fic, now shut up and let me write!!!
(The entire FAMILY VON TRAPP come marching, CAPTAIN, MARIA and the seven children)
THE FAMILY VON TRAPP: (singing) Cliiiiimb eeeeeveryyy mooooouuuuntaaaaaiiiiin! Foooorceeee eeeeveryyy streeeeeaaaaam! Fooollooooow eeeeeveryyyyy raaaaiiiinboooow! Tiiil yyyyoooouuuuu fiiiiiiiiind yoooouuuuur dreeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!!
MARIA: Very good children! Now, let's practice My Favourite Things!
FRIEDRICH: Oh no! I refuse to sing one more tone! I've had enough!
BIRGITTA: We've been singing for three days in a row!
KURT: And why are we always singing about your favourite things? It's not fair!
MARIA: But we have to practice if we're gonna make the Eurovision Song Contest!
CAPTAIN: My family will not sing in public!
MARIA: So you keep telling me. Who cares?
LOUISA: And besides, you have to be fifteen to sing there, which means only Liesl is old enough?
LIESL: I hate being the oldest!
MARIA: Don't be stupid Louisa! Ever heard of fake IDs?
CAPTAIN: Maria!!!
LOUISA: Who are you calling stupid? (to the rest of the cast) And what are you staring at???
COMBEFERRE: Oh, sorry Mademoiselle, we didn't mean to be rude! Welcome to our barricade! Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me? Beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see? Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be free!
ELECTRA: That guy really needs some more words in his vocabulary.
CAPTAIN: Fight? Are you crazy!? We just walked over the freaking Alps to avoid having to fight!
FRIEDRICH: Sounds like fun! I'm in!
LOUISA: Me too!
KURT: And me! Do we get free food?
ENJOLRAS: (to LOUISA) You can't join us! You're a… (shudders) girl!
(LOUISA, BIRGITTA, MAUREEN, JOANNE and ELECTRA gathers around ENJOLRAS with not so nice smiles)
ENJOLRAS: On the other hand? Welcome to the gang, girls! The weapons are inside the café.
GRETL: Why is that cat taking a bath in the river?
AUTHOR: Didn't I tell you to go fish Tumble up!?
ALONZO: We were on our way when the Walton family came.
MARIA: (when catching sight of ALONZO) AAAHHH!!!! Captain, hide me! They've come after me!!!
CAPTAIN: What?
ALONZO: What did I do now?
MARIA: Oh? You're a cat? I thought you were a nun?
ALONZO: WHAT!???
MARIA: Well, all that black and white? Sorry?
ALONZO: A nun. A NUN!? I've been humiliated many times in different fanfics, but this is the worst! A nun!!!!??? I'm the cool fighting-cat for Bast's sake!!
AUTHOR: (grins evilly)
CHRISTINE: (stars crying)
RAOUL: Christine! What's the matter?
CHRISTINE: You haven't said that you love me for at least ten minutes!
RAOUL: Oh Christine, I'm so sorry! I love you, I love you, I love you! Forever and ever, til the world falls apart!
JEAN PROUVAIRE: Oh, that's so poetic!
ELECTRA: Oh, that's so silly!
MUNKUSTRAP: Oh, how I miss Demeter…
MARK: Oh, how I miss Roger…
MAUREEN and JOANNE: What!!???
MARK: What? I didn't say anything! Forget it!
MARIA: Oh, this story is getting far too depressing. I know! Let's sing a cheerful little song!
CHILDREN: Noooooooo…
MARIA: Oh, shut it! I'm your new step-mother! What did you expect from me? (starts singing) Do - a deer, a female deer
Ray - a drop of golden sun
Me - a name I call myself
Far - a long, long way to run
Sew - a needle pulling thread
La - a note to follow so
Tea - a drink with jam and bread
That will bring us back to do, oh, oh, oh!
Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do, so do!
EVERYBODY (except MARIA) (singing)
Do - I feel just like a dork
Re - and I think it's gonna rain
Me – I'd like to run away
Fa - as far as I can get
So, let's end this story now
Life - is far to short for this
Tea - Joly has made some scones
So let's end this story now!
So let's end this story now!!!
THE END!!!!
AUTHOR: Oh, no! Wait! I had planned to make this a novel! I have thirtythree more chapters in the works!
EVERYBODY: (panick and run off in different directions)
AUTHOR: Oh good! More scones for me then!
THE END!!!!
MACAVITY: Well thank you so bloody much! She totally forgot about us!
JAVERT: We didn't even get to say goodbye! (begins to cry)
BENNY: Oh, Javert! Haven't you done enough of that already!
JAVERT: Well, excuse me for having feelings!!!
ERIK: Well, this have fun boys, but I have to go upstairs and get my money from those two fools who's running my theatre.
MACAVITY: Yeah, I should be getting home too? Wait! I just remembered something! Munkustrap is here in Paris… and Demeter is in the junkyard… When's the next boat to England??? (rushes off)
BENNY: I have to go too… or Allison will flip.
JAVERT: I suppose I should go looking for Valjean again? I mean, I have to find him some day… See you all next year!
THE END!!!! (for real this time… promise!)
TUMBLEBRUTUS: Hello? Is anyone there? It's getting pretty cold here? And a fish just bit my tail? Hello? Anyone?? Help??
THE END!!!! (so, I lied last time… but this time it really is over.)