So here's the deal. It's 2054. Three years ago, I, the State of Alaska, decided not to be a part of the United States of Failing Economy, and seceded from the Union. Now, I'm my own country, with a flag and recognition and all that good stuff. I even fought my first war- America tried to take me back by force- and won. But, the other still-states want back the governmental banks I have, and are calling for a diplomatic meeting to get them back. In other words, just another family meeting…
I walked in the conference room to see 50 glares, 4 sympathetic looks, and one look from America that said, "Let the nightmare begin." America stood up, looking with every fiber of his being like he didn't want to, and said, "Let the horr- meeting begin."
Canada brought me up to speed while America droned on about some legal blah blah blah, in a voice that sounded for the entire world like he'd rather be eating cats with Hong Kong. Apparently, all I'd missed was the preliminaries, and New York calling Jersey a slut.
"So, just the same-old, same-old," I muttered to myself.
America looked up from his note cards. "And that, Alaska, is why you should return the American Federal Banks, and money. Please," he added. I sat up and tried to look like I had been paying attention. I struggled to come up with a response that wouldn't make me sound like an idiot.
"Uhhh…" I started. "Uhhh… well, you see, since most of the money in those banks were intended to benefit Alaskan finances, and/or things for the benefit of my st-country, it only makes sense I keep the money that would have been mine anyway." I mentally patted myself on the back for sounding like I knew what I was doing. I didn't really, but it sounded like it.
America frowned harder and opened his mouth, but was interrupted by Puerto Rico flailing his arm in the air.
"Yes," America pointed, "the Floor recognizes the State of Puerto Rico."
"Por favor, señor Estados Unidos-"
"For the sake of Oak trees, use the king's English!" snapped Virginia.
"You mean president, right?" asked Maryland, sharply.
Puerto Rico continued on as is he hadn't been interrupted, "Señor, may I please apply for secession?"
South Carolina hopped up. "If he secedes, then I do too!" Several states echoed her sentiments.
"I'll stick with my sister," agreed Georgia, crossing her arms.
"Me too!" exclaimed Tennessee.
"I wanna be a country," said Idaho, ditzily.
"Does your short really need to be buttoned that low?"
Idaho looked at Louisiana. "Yes", she said.
Silently, I shook my head. A typical monkey-see, monkey-do reaction from my siblings. If one state wanted to secede, then by Aurora Borealis, all the Southern states wanted to secede. How nonconformist.
Massachusetts spoke up, ignoring America's frantic signals to sit back down. "You all should be ashamed of yourselves. NO ONE is seceding from anything! Ever!"
California frowned and pointed accusingly at me. "She got to."
Pennsylvania rolled his eyes. "If Alaska got to have a 4.1 earthquake, would you want one, too?"
"Don't take the earthquake," whispered Haiti, solemnly.
"Awww, don't be such a hypocrite, Penn," drawled Kentucky. "You know you want to be independent, too."
"I said, NO ONE SECEDES, DAMNIT!" Massachusetts shouted, banging his hands on the table in front of him.
Now, America looked like he'd rather be the cat Hong Kong was eating. Canada stood next to him, patting him on the back while subtly moving all sharp objects away from him.
"Calm down, Mass, there's no reason to yell," said Oregon.
"Please you guys. This is an official meeting. We are supposed to be working out the details of Alaska's countryhood," pleaded Canada, but no one heard him.
"Seriously, guys, stop fighting!" cried Indiana.
"I WANT TO SECEDE! I WILL NOT CALM DOWN UNTIL ALABAMA IS A COUNTRY!" Alabama yelled, in an odd display of passion.
"You be a country, too, Indiana," pleaded Mississippi.
"You are all so unfair! I used to be a country! If anyone deserves to leave, it's me! All I got from this Union was bombing and taxes!" yelled Hawaii.
"I used to be a country too!" whined Texas.
"¡Yo era un paístambién!" Puerto Rico exclaimed at the same time.
"ENGLISH. In the name of the king, speak it you stupid Hispanic!" screamed Virginia.
"President," corrected Maryland, sneering.
"Anyways, Texas, you were a country for like, what, all of two seconds?" said Arizona.
Slowly, I got up and gathered my papers.
"Hey," said Spain, showing up out of nowhere, "Florida, Texas, California, all my other children, you are free to come back to me. You too, Mexico, Puerto Ri-"
Splat!
"Nobody is going back to you, you effing bastard! And my oranges are better!" Florida told Spain, who now had tomato dripping from his face. Florida was poised to throw another of the vegetable- er, fruit? - at the Spaniard.
"What he said," said California, "Although my oranges are best."
"Are not!" screeched Florida, flinging the, erm, produce at Cali.
I caught Haiti's eye as I shuffled hurriedly towards the exit, and waved. The last thing I heard was Wisconsin insisting, "I have the best cheese!" And Oklahoma going, "No one cares!"
I made it out into the hall and shook my head again. Poor America. Forget cats. He probably wished he was Hong Kong. Even if it meant no hamburgers.
Oh America, I thought to myself, Next time, arrange an e-chat.