"Why would you leave?"
"Why did you treat me like that?"
"Tell me was it all a lie?"
"Am I to blame?"
Her eyes opened and they adjusted to the light of her dim room, she turned to the clock "6:14", a small yawn escaped her lips and she lifted off the covers and headed off towards the bathroom. The girl stared at the small mirror over the sink, at her reflection; a simple girl stared back at her…
"8:15" She walked into her new school, today was the 3rd day of grade 7 and her smile brightened as she walked into her class, with her friends, new and old. Later that day she headed outside after lunch, her eyes looking over the soft blue sky… She looked away as someone called her name… her step brother… and with him, a boy she never saw before, he introduced himself to her… She smiled, not knowing that this boy would change her life forever… After school she saw him again. She was greeted by his bright smile as she walked by, her heart beat loudly in her chest. "What is this?" He talked for a while and let her walk away…
"Oct, 17" the Halloween dance was coming up the on the 30th… That day in class, she spoke to another boy, one who she never spoke to in many years. He was in her preschool class. For some reason the other boy never came to her mind, not that week, or the next… the only one on her mind was Mark.
"At the dance" The girl smiled as she was with her friends, dancing around the gym. The song changed to a slow dance song "big girls don't cry" The girl smiled this was her favorite song… Smiling as she watched her friends one by one get asked to dance, then all that was left was her other friend. Her friend was smiling prompting her to go ask that guy to dance, the girl felt herself pushed through the gym, then she felt her heart get stabbed… she saw Mark, but he was dancing with someone… She felt a cold tear slide down her face, she ran to the back of the gym, she fell to the floor and huddled on the wall, the tears now falling freely… People she knew gathered and they asked her a flurry of questions "what's wrong?" "Are you alright?!" "What happened?" She ignored them all and ran out of the gym, 5 minutes before the end of the dance, he came up to her… and asked her to dance; he smiled tenderly, making all the negative feelings disappear… but the song ended … She frowned, her chance was gone… she looked down He smiled "Next time…" later that day as she lay in her bed she looked out the window and up at the sky... That night she realized that she truly and unconditionally, liked him…
"What is this feeling…?"
"What's happening..?"
The days flew by and her feelings for him grew stronger, she realized that she really did have strong feelings for him… everyday that she saw him, every time they talked, every word they exchanged… but for some reason she couldn't let herself get hurt again, she repaired her relationships, but broke the relationships that she thought would hurt her…
"Dec, 1"
That morning she felt a strange feeling, as if something was going to happen… she felt herself scared… Walking softly she gripped her hand in the hallway, unable to let it go, she felt as if she was going to cry… Then she saw him, and she watched him smile
Dec, 10
When she reached her locker that day, she couldn't wait to see him, "all I have to do is get my books…" When she opened her locker an envelope fell out… she opened it and she felt her heart stop…. "What...? What is this? Who wrote this?" She saw him walk down the hallway and watched him smile… and she couldn't smile back… At lunch she stood at the door with some of his friends and watched him run around outside, he ran back in laughing and smiling and her breath stopped when he wrapped his arms around her… but I can't… she broke the hug and walked away, and felt herself cry inside…
In the oncoming weeks the Christmas dance flew by, and in the middle of the dance he asked her to dance with her, she stopped "you can't do it!" she replied no, and walked away, she cried the pain overwhelming her…
Everyday was the same as the last torture, she couldn't do what she wanted, and she couldn't smile, in February at the Valentines Day dance she rejected him again, and she felt that wave of sadness overwhelm her, then she did what her friends asked and danced with Justin, during the whole dance all she thought of was him… after the dance she got into her bus and she realized he was sitting at the back of the bus alone, and she sat in the middle of the bus, that bus left with only him and her, "come here" he said, but all she could reply was "Why?" he looked away and never looked back, even though she watched him for the rest of the trip…That night she cried and cried and cried… He never talked to her ever again that year…
Grade 8:
That year was hell, she wanted to talk to him, she broke down all the walls around her, but she still couldn't do it… she lost everything that day, and she knew that she could never get him back ever again…. He never spoke to her that year… They both moved on with their lives….
Grade 9:
That year she couldn't believe that he was in her class, in the beginning she couldn't talk to him, even though in almost ever class he sat beside her… she could never admit it but she wanted to cry every time he smiled with others, she never wanted to tell him, she never wanted to admit her feelings for him… a few months later she asked him if he hated her, he replied no, and asked her why she would think that… after school that day… she walked past him crying.. when he called out to her, she never stopped… she sat on the stairs of the staircase beside his locked and cried… later she looked at a poster on the wall with her sister… she watched him walk out of the woodshop room, she listened to his apology, she smiled and nodded they walked away at the same time, she cried as she walked…
A month later she wrote him a letter, and in that letter she expressed some of her feelings in words for him, but that never changed anything…
Feb, 9th
Her step brother told him her feelings again, but she still couldn't tell him on her own... What she never knew was that the oncoming day would hurt her the most…
Feb, 12th
The valentines day dance was that afternoon… she gave him a card and before she walked away he hugged her as she walked away … she enjoyed the beginning with her friends, and she requested that the DJ play "No Air"… it was all fun but then she saw him dance with "someone" and she cried and wanted to run and hide, but she just stood and watched… even though it hurt… her friends made her dance with Mark… She only thought of him as a friend though… after their dance her favorite song played, the one that she requested "I can't ask him" she whispered to herself, her friend looked at her and walked away, a bit later into the song he came over to her and danced with her, even if he never saw, she cried while they danced, she realized how much he made her cry but how much she really liked him… a few seconds later he left her before the song was over, he held her hands and put them together and walked away, she thought that he just didn't feel like dancing, but then she cried the most that she very did in her whole life, she watched him dance with that "someone" again, it hurt so much, she couldn't stop crying, she couldn't move she felt like she was stabbed everywhere…. Mark asked her if she was ok… Mark's friend did too, so did her friends… all she could do was nod… then she looked up and faked a smile… and cried in till the end of the dance… that night she cried herself to sleep… but the next day she thought that she would see him, since she invited him to the movies… her mom wouldn't let her leave unless she cleaned her room, so she stayed up till 2:00 just because she wanted to see him… then she cried herself to sleep. The next day when she arrived… He never showed up… she never cried that day, all she did was smile, and pretend to smile like a dumbass… when she got home that day, she practiced for the talent show… and she decided on a song that she wanted to sing for him… she cried while she sang cuz it reminded her of him…Why?, who wrote that note that ruined my life?, I will show him one day… she promised herself…
I'm sorry that I couldn't do what I needed too…I'm sorry that I rejected you…
I… if I would have the choice to breathe or love you… I would use my last breath to say "I Love You" even if it hurts to watch, even if I cry when I think of you or when I hear that old song, even if I can never replace you. But no I just can't make you love me, and it hurts me that you don't feel the same…so I don't think I can ever find someone new, and I know that you could never like me anymore, to tell you the truth… I was scared to attach myself to people cuz I knew that if I got hurt one more time, I was afraid that I could not ever handle it anymore, I was scared that I would lose myself, I always tried to find that person that could help me different, I was always waiting for that hug, waiting for someone to hold me when I cried and told me it was ok.. it hurt when I watched everyone, love each other… everything just hurt, and I waited for that someone who I knew would not ever come for me… I was scared, and all I did was wait, and wait… and every day hurt more than the last, yeah, I'm a loner, yeah I can't handle pain, and I was afraid to attach myself to you again, cuz I thought that I would never get what I wanted, I don't know why, but I always look in your direction all the time, and it hurts me to say my feelings, and I always felt hurt when I say others happy… I guess I did fall for you, even if I still can't tell you in words… I was worried about the high school thing, cuz I thought that if you went to a different school, I would never be able to handle it… cuz I spent most of my life waiting for that person to hold me and tell me to stop crying… I always thought that you where that person… even if you won't return my feelings… Valentines Day made me realize, that I can't handle life anymore… It hurts to much to watch… Suki Da, Gomenasai, for everything. Suki da, suki da, suki da Goodbye forever Donovan