Pillow talk
by Lore Krajsman
Survivor Psalm
By Frank Ochberg, M.D.
I have been victimized
I was in a fight that was not a fair fight.
I did not ask for the fight.
I lost.
There is no shame in losing such fights,
only in winning.
I have reached the stage of survivor
and am no longer a slave of victim status.
I look back with sadness rather than hate.
I look forward with hope rather than despair.
I may never forget,
but I need not constantly remember.
I was a victim
I am a survivor.
Copyright "Gift from within"
General disclaimer:Neither the characters of Cassandra nor those of either Methos, the Horsemen and that of Jim Ellisson belong to me. ( Don't start, I know this is a gratuitous crossover, but when I thought about a lover for our poor suffering Cassie, the first one I could come up with was the Sentinel. Don't worry, I'm working on a longer Sentinel/Highlander-crossover to fill the blanks.) The previous Survivors Psalm is one I found on the site for Male survivors of rape. I felt it fit perfectly.
Now on to the story.
indicates thought
"" indicates speech
{} indicates flashbacks.
"No, please don't. Ahh ..."
Jim Ellison woke up from the tormented screams of the woman beside him. He shook her slightly as she kept uttering words in languages he'd never heard before in his life. He heard her heartbeat rage through her body like the sound of a beating drum and sensed the fear in her sweat.
"Cathy, dear. Calm down honey. Easy Cathy, easy."
She woke up and shook back out of his arms. Holding her arms around her as a form of protection.
"Cathy?"
"I'm sorry Jim. It's just ... bad dreams."
She shivered as she remembered the feel of hands on her body. She forced herself to overcome her shudder and to fall in his arms. "I just don't know."
"What are those dreams about?"
"I ... I can't tell you."
"Please Cathy. Maybe I can help you."
She thought about it for a second. She sensed from his emotions that he was sincere. He really only wanted to help. But she'd been hiding her pain for so long. And when she did tell someone, he'd just ... "I can't tell you everything. Please don't make me Jim." She gave him a look that showed that she meant what she said.
"But ..."
"I'll tell you what I can. Is that alright with you."
"If it's what you want, it'll have to be enough."
She softly relaxed against his chest as she sat cross-legged before him. Not daring to confront him in the eyes.
"It all has to do with something that happened with me when I was, a child you could say. I was a lot younger and a whole lot more naive." She smiled as she thought about her childhood,but the smile quickly disappeared. "My foster father Hajid was the healer of our tribe and as one of his daughters he was teaching me the healing crafts." She shuddered, thinking about the last time she'd seen the man, when he was killed . Just after Kronos had pierced him with his sword. "We were a peace loving people, Jim. We never meant anyone any harm. Then they came."
{Image of four men on Horseback riding in a nomadic settlement killing everyone inside}
"There were four of them. An image straight out of a nightmare "
{Close-up of the four horsemen showing the bronze masks covering their faces.}
"and they ... they slaughtered my entire tribe. My father, my cousins, my sisters ... men, women, children. They didn't care who they killed, who they hurt. No that's wrong they did care, they enjoyed it. Our blood,our fear, ... they reveled in it. There was no overlying ideology or cause. No reason, but their own pleasure. And because of that everyone I knew was slaughtered in a matter of minutes. "
"I'm not even sure how I survived," she lied but she could not yet tell him the truth, "but I did."
"When I woke up, I was lying on a piece of cloth and he was standing over me." Disgust filled her voice
"One of the Four" The way she pronounced the words sends shivers through the Sentinels spine.
"It was horrible. He was dressed all in white. The color of death. Covered with red stains, the blood of my people. His face." She shivered.
"He put of the bronze face-mask and his face it looked so normal. After what they'd done I would have truly thought them demons, but he looked so normal. Handsome even. With those hazel eyes and pronounced nose. His hair was long covering his shoulders and black like that of the ravens. He'd painted half of his face blue. It shouldn't have made him look frightening, but it did anyway. I knew who he was. I'd heard horrorstories about him you see. But I'd never thought I might one day have to face him."
"I recognized his skull-like mask, the white clothes. He was 'Death'. His voice. I still hear it in my nightmares at times. How he said "Surprise you're not dead." He told me I lived only to serve him. That I would continue to do so as long as I managed to please him. Oh Jim. You can't even start to imagine. It wasn't just the way he raped me, abused me. I could have gotten over that. It were the games he liked to play, being nice one moment and hitting me the next. It was the way that he would get me to almost like him and then he would just hurt me again. Each time I dared to get used to life as a slave he would do something new and ... He never left any marks on me, his prize." that much at least was true, there never were any physical marks left. "I was nothing to him, nothing more than a slave to be broken and he did. In the end I would have done anything to please him, anything."
Jim wanted to take her in his arms, but he didn't really dare to. She fell against his shoulder again.
"It wasn't your fault Cathy. You were a victim. It wasn't your fault."
"Do you think I don't know that. That doesn't change what it feels like though. How I can still hear him and the others. The worst of it was that I eventually started trusting him, believing that I would be safe with him. That I meant enough to him to keep the others away from me."
"I presume he didn't? He betrayed you?"
"Yes. Their leader, he demanded me as his right. To have a share of the spoils. He didn't even utter a single protest. He just let Kr... let him take me. After ... I escaped." She crumbled down on his shoulders. "It was so long ago Jim, and still I can't forget it."
"Because it hurt you?"
"Yes." She paused a few seconds, considering her words. "For a long time I'd thought I had left that time behind me. That it was in the past. Then I saw him, their leader, and it all came back with a vengeance. I'd thought that Me- Adam was dead. That I would never get my revenge on him so I went with the next best thing. I guess I wasn't really thinking about it. I just went after him. I was a fool."
"If it hadn't been because of a friend of mine I probably would have died. But ... I found this friend knew Me- Adam. That He was his best friend."
"Oh my God."
"I don't know how, but that bastard had managed to convince him to like him. That he was no more than a nice harmless guy. I told Duncan the truth. He didn't even want to believe me at first. He just couldn't accept what I told him."
"Why not? If he was your friend?"
"Adam was his friend as well. though I can't see how he managed to do that."
"Why?"
"Duncans an even bigger boyscout-dogooder than you are. Always out to help the weak and defenseless. Then again. Adam's good at playing weak and defenseless."
"You're serious"
"Very."
"So what happened?"
"Duncan talked with Adam. After that we went to an other friend of his and tried to find them both."
"Did you?"
She didn't immediately feel like answering.
"Duncan found ... clues. Left by that bastard. He probably wanted to make him believe he was still on his side."
"And was he?"
She thought back "I'm not sure. Not really."
"Adam told Duncan about a bomb they and the two others had placed, but when he told him about that, the other three kidnapped me while Duncan was away."
She shivered. "They ... Their leader he ... What they did to me wasn't nice. Adam claimed off course that he had nothing to do with it. But why would I believe him of all people."
"They finally locked me up in a cage, like if I was an animal. If I had been an animal I probably would have been treated better. Every once and a while Adam would come to talk to me. Just talk." she added after seeing the look on Jim's face turn even darker. "It was mostly Kr- their leader who raped me. Him and the other two."
Jim Ellison held her against his chest, while she gently sobbed.
"Duncan finally found us and came to the rescue. He'd already taken care of Caspian, Casparri. Kronos sent Adam to tell my guard to kill me."
"Looking at you, I presume they failed."
"Yes. Adam stopped him from killing me and killed the last ... the guard instead of helping him."
"He saved you." Disbelief showed in the Sentinels voice.
"Yes."
"After everything he'd done before."
"Afterwards I almost killed him while he was weakened by the ... fight. But Duncan asked me not to..."
"And you let him go."
"He was helpless. I didn't wanted to be like him, a murderer, so I let him go. I ... Did I do the right thing Jim? I'm not sure anymore about any of it. I was so sure he was evil incarnate. That he was just like Kronos and the others. But he helped us stop them. Helped us to save millions of lives. But is that enough.?"
"What did the cops say of it?"
"They weren't involved."
"Oh?"
"It didn't happen in America."
"I guess I can understand you've got nightmares Cathy." he brushed through her curls.
"I still wake up sometimes, screaming from some of the things I've seen when I was with Special Ops. And those things weren't half as bad as what you've been through."
"I'm sorry Jim."
"For what?"
"For bothering ...."
"Bothering? Cathy. Your family was murdered. You were kidnapped, raped, abused,... by a couple of the worst bastards in the world. And you really think I'm bothered by 'you'? What happened to you bothers me. What those bastards did bothers me. That one of those bastards still runs free to do who knows what to other innocent people, that bothers me. But you Cathy. You never bother me. Got that?"
"Yes. Thanks."
"No problem. Look Cathy. Anytime you want to talk about this, just tell me. And we will." He pulled her in his arms. "There is one thing though."
"What?"
"Have you ever ... You know... talked to someone about this."
"I talked to some people."
"Who?"
"Duncan and a friend of mine called Lillin. She was also one of their survivors."
"That's good of course, but have you ever talked to anyone professional."
"No."
"Cascade has some excellent rape-helpcenters Cathy. Maybe one of those could help you."
"I don't know. I haven't got any proof. Any ..."
"You don't have to have any proof Cathy. They're just there to listen to you, to help."
"I'm not sure." They may think I'm insane. How can I tell them this all happened over 3.000 years ago.
"Just try it. They may be able to help you."
"I'll try it, for you."
"You don't have to do this for me Cathy. If you do this, it has to be for yourself. To help 'you'."
"I'll try."
To be continued
If you want to see more of this contact me at lilith93@hotmail.com
For those who still haven't understood, Cathy is the civilian name Cassandra is using. She hasn't told Jim about her immortality yet.
Really long notes-section.
For anyone interested I want to make one thing perfectly clear, I do not, nor will I ever, blame Cassandra for her anger at Methos. Where the hell do most people get the idea that just because a long time has gone by that that should mean that Cassandra should just forgive Methos. ( Not that that means that I don't like Methos,he still is my favourite character, especially after Comes a Horsemen and Revelation.) What I'm trying to say is that a very good friend of mine got raped once, she'll never be able to forget and no one expects her to. So why would we expect that very thing from Cassie. All we can ask her is to try to accept what has happened so she can go on with her life. To be a survivor rather than a victim.
The acts done to Cassandra are horrible and they showed us a part of Methos that many of us have a hard time to accept, but that does not mean we have to blame Cassandra for it. It's not her fault that she had to bring the bad news. She's not evil for telling us something we don't want to hear. She's not crazy for wanting revenge. And don't even start about the time gone by, because basically in cases like these time doesn't mean a thing.
What I don't understand about many Methos-fans is that they're trying to degrade the true measure of Methos' guilt because he's so cute. So what if he's one of the best looking men there are, that does not take away his crimes nor Cassandra's pain. Good looks do not remove the pain and self-disgust brought on by rape. Just ask anyone who's ever been date-raped or raped in any other way by a good-looking man or woman.
Cassandra suffered, anyone denying that should have their heads examined. Despite this there are many fanfic-writers who are more than willing to forget that. They overexcaggerate Methos' pain in the past and think that that makes what he did to Cassandra alright. It does not. One of the things I like about Methos is that he at least has the courage to see that he was doing something wrong (being a member of the Horsemen) and had the guts to leave. There aren't many rapists who ever get that far. He feels guilt for what he's done and regrets, but he knows that he will never be able to change his past. No matter how much he would wish it otherwise.
The truth unfortunately is that many victims like Cassandra get blamed for being victimized. Especially when we like the perpetrator. (Just think about a girl who doesn't gets believed because the guy who raped her is a popular football-captain or something similar) We don't want to believe, nor truly accept, that someone we like could have ever done such things. So we blame the victim for the crime. This is always wrong.
Many fans find Mac judmental for his reactions to Methos' past. I don't. He was reacting like any good man (or woman for that matter) would do. With a true disgust of the crimes in question. He may have accepted the person Methos for who he is and how he has changed. But he can never accept the crimes. That is not in his nature and neither should it be in our.
Mac and Joe had to relearn to like Methos. And so did we.
But that does not mean that we can put the blame on the victim(s). It is not necessary to hate Cassandra. She did not ask to be murdered, to be raped, ... Don't ever forget that.