Written for Konsui's Illness of the Mind Challenge at HPFC. My illness was Selective Mutism, but I've also added a tad bit Panic Disorder.

Warnings: Contains mention of abuse.

Fright

Something about Sirius changed over summer. James wasn't sure what was wrong, but something sure was. It was in the way he flinched before awkwardly and stiffly hugging James back when they met at the platform. It was in the way he ignored James' parents when they tried to tell him to take care. It was in his blank face as they passed through the crowd to get into the train.

Once they were on the train, though, James convinced himself that nothing was wrong, because now Sirius acted as goofy and funny as he always did around the other marauders. It wasn't until Peter asked about their summer that he got all weird again.

"Fine", the dog-animagus mumbled and turned towards the window.

"What'ya mean, fine?" Remus asked, obviously sensing that something was wrong, too.

"The usual; pureblood-maniacs, ten million bloody chores, Regulus being a git. Nothing out of the ordinairy."

First James thought he was telling the truth, but then he saw how his best friend was nervously tugging his shirt. Sirius only did that when he was nervous – or scared. Taking in his pale face, the dark circles under his eyes but mostly the eyes themselves which were furiously scanning the area over and over again James guessed that the latter was correct. Truthfully, that frightened him. In the full five years they'd known each other he'd only seen Sirius scared once.

The eleven-year-old boy watched the brownish, dirty hat in awe. So that's how he'd get sorted. Cool. When his name was called he got up and sat down, his posture proud though he actually was quite nervous. What if he didn't end up in Gryffindor? What if-?

"Another Potter, I see," the hat said, "but where to put you? You have the brains for Ravenclaw, no doubt about that. And you're loyal too, I can tell. Perhaps Hufflepuff would fit you well."

"Anything but Slytherin", James thought, so used to magic that he didn't even take notice to the talking hat.

"No, not Slytherin." the hat agreed. "You have the ambition for it, sure, but you're neither cunning nor sly. Better be- GRYFFINDOR!"

A smile escaped his lips as he – very graciously, he thought – made his way to the table of the scarlet and gold. Happily he sat down next to his new friend, whom had been one of the first to be sorted. James rose his hand to down a high five, but Sirius Black didn't seem to notice. He was mumbling something under his breath and his eyes were filled of fret.

"-and they're gonna kill me, Merlin, Merlin, Merlin-"

James stared. Who would want to kill the kind and funny boy? Except for that Slytherin-git Snivellus, of course, but that was granted. Clearly Sirius must be a loved person, wherever he came from. Thinking about that, where was he really from?

"Hey, mate", James said, interrupting Sirius' chanting words. "Wher're you from?"

The other boy stared at him in disbelief. "You don't understand, James! They're... Merlin." But then he shook his head, disguised the earlier fear by a too bright smile and told James that he came from London and was home schooled.

The two had talked for the rest of the evening, occasionally joined by Peter, a plump little boy back then who already adored the two of them. Why Sirius had been so afraid, James didn't find out until years later. Sitting on the roof of the astronomy tower the dog-animagus had told his best friend some about his life at Grimmauld Place 12 and how in his full family there had never been anyone but him in Gryffindor.

"Padfoot", James said and rested a hand on his friend's shoulder.

Sirius visibly flinched. "Don't", he said and got up. "I'm going to the bathroom", he announced before stumbling out of the compartment.

"What's wrong with him?" Peter asked nervously. "You don't think anything's happened, right? I mean, I suppose something has happened, but I just hope-"

"Shut up, Peter", James sneered and picked up a quidditch-magazine, spending the rest of the trip ignoring his friends and pretending to read though he really only turned a page every five minutes.

When Sirius finally came back, more than two hours later, he was same old Sirius as always and they all thought that perhaps their friend had just woken up on the wrong side that morning and was a bit grumpy. Nothing to worry about, really.

Only, that illusion crumbled the next day.

"Hey Paddy, get your fat arse out of bed and get dressed, Transfiguration starts in twenty minutes!"

The teenager sat up and banged his head into the bed post. "Oh, James you wanker, get stuck!" He rolled out of his bed and quickly rose up, taking his wand from the night stand.

"No, you wouldn't", James laughed and having the advantage of being dressed he simply ran out of the dormitory, laughing at the curses his friend yelled after him.

"James", Remus scolded him but he could see that the werewolf was smiling, too.

Everything seemed to be back to normal and when they walked to class girls would giggle and flirt with James, Sirius and Remus, though never Peter, and Snape glared at them in his usual matter. Once they got into the classroom, though, things changed for the worse.

The two dark-haired boys of course sat down next to each other, leaving the other two to take odd seats on each side of them. They had just barely sat down when McGonagall begun the lesson in her usual blunt way.

"This year your OWLs are approaching", she said and stared at each and every one of them. James got the feeling that she especially looked at him, completely unnecessary, he though, since he was great with transfiguration. She stared longer at Sirius, too, whom broke the eye-contact to look down into his papers. Luckily, their head of house continued. "Mr. Potter, if you could please tell us why these exams are perhaps the most important thing you've done so far in your life?"

The hazel-eyed boy just barely managed to suppress a snort. "I actually don't know why they are, dear professor, do you mind telling us?"

His fellow classmates laughed – though not Lily Evans, to his great disappointment – but McGonagall just turned her famous glare to the boy next to him. "Mr. Black, maybe you could share the information with us?"

James expected a sarcastic or perhaps flirty answer and a smirk to go with it, which was why he was surprised when the professor was met with nothing but silence. Person after person turned around to watch the pureblood-boy and finally James joined them.

Sirius was a wreck – there was no other way to explain it. It was crazy that someone could go from completely fine to the broken person he now was and if James hadn't seen it himself he wouldn't have believed it.

The teenager was pale in a greenish way, as if he was about to be sick. He was sweating and his expression was completely blank. The grey eyes were fixed on a spot on the floor, his hands tugging the shirt under the bench so that only James, sitting next to him, could see it.

"Mr. Black?" McGonagall repeated, suddenly sounding concerned. "Mr. Black, are you alright?"

James rose and looked the professor straight in the eyes. "I'm taking Sirius out in the hallway for a while", he said determinately and when Remus coughed he added, "If that's alright with you professor?"

She nodded absently and waved with a hand to indicate that they were allowed to do so. Seeing their normally so confident teacher so bemused scared James, but loyal as ever he grabbed Sirius and carefully dragged him out to the hallway.

On his way through the classroom he gave Remus a look saying Talk later. Lily Evans watched him curiously and gave Sirius what she probably though was a reassuring smile. It wasn't, James, decided, only sad, as if his best friend had some sort of deathly disease.

As soon as they were out of there the panicked boy sank down, leaning on the wall. Not exactly knowing what to do James kneeled down in front of him, for the second time in as many days wondering if something was seriously wrong or if his friend just experienced a bad week.

"Sirius?" he tried, without any response from the other. "Padfoot? Pads, mate, what's wrong?"

Terrified silver grey eyes meet concerned hazel brown. Something inside of James snapped when he saw this. His best friend, his brother since they were eleven, had never looked as lost and vulnerable.

"I-" Sirius began but his voice cracked. "I just couldn't- and she- and-" He put his head in his hands and started to breathe very shallowly.

"Ssh", James said, "let's get you to old Pomfrey, shall we?"

So he half dragged, half carried the taller boy up all the stairs until they reached the hospital wing. During the whole way the dog-animagus didn't speak a word, thus neither did James. Not wanting his friend to freak out more than he was already doing he did his best to control his fear but as the entered the white, clinical hall it threatened to choke him.

"Pomfrey!" he yelled and was embarrassed to say that his voice sounded so broken. "Madam Pomfrey, come here, it's important!"

As the elderly woman made his way from her small office, James dumped Sirius on a bed. The latter had begun to calm down now, but he was still extremely pale.

"James Potter, if you have once again injured yourself with that silly sport I swear I'll-", she trailed off at the sight of the pale and shaking student on one of her beds. "Mr. Black, I should have guessed!" She turned to James with a stern look. "What did you do this time? Some potion? I wouldn't put it beside you lot, you're the worst I've had since those Prewett-twins and that's saying something!"

Quietly the stag-animagus explained what had happened, also telling the medi-witch about the day before and everything that had happened on the train. Her forehead frowned in worry and James couldn't help but think that Sirius would never be himself again.

What if someone's messed with his mind? If it's his crazy cousin, I'm gonna kill her, I'm going to! Merlin, what am I supposed to do.

"M'dame P'mfrey?" Sirius mumbled and a flush filled his features but he held a mask of determination. "James's 'xagg'rating. It w'sn't that bad, I'm jus' really tired."

Sudden understanding flashed in the plump witch's eyes. "Potter, if you could please wait outside for a few minutes."

Not waiting for him to react she sat down next to Sirius. The boy rolled his eyes so that only James could see, but he didn't like it, not at all. All this changing between moods wasn't good, especially not if you were a guy. Combined with the flinches and the paleness he decided that he hadn't been imagining it and besides the healer apparently agreed with him.

Sitting outside in complete silence as the minutes ticked by a million thoughts passed through his mind. First he thought it was just nerves – no, that didn't fit with normally confident Sirius – then he decided on a muggle disease. But, how would he have gotten that? No, that didn't fit either. He didn't have any physical signs and James was fairly certain that his best friend wasn't a girl, thus he could scratch PMS.

Finally madam Pomfrey told James that he was welcome back in, but that she'd given Sirius a Dreamless Sleep Potion, so he might to best to go back to the common room and come back later. The loyal friend refused to do that and instead sat down on the bed next to the only one in the whole room that was occupied.

"Pomfrey?" he asked quietly, not wanting to wake up his suddenly calm friend. "What was wrong with him."

"Is, Potter", she said with a said glint in her eyes, "and I'm not the one who should tell you that. It's something that Sirius must choose himself if he wishes to share." Silly old lady, James thought, Sirius's my brother, he'll tell me if I ask! Though, as he remembered the earlier, panicked minutes he realized that perhaps he wouldn't be told. "I do ask you to take it easy with him. He's been through a lot, the poor dear, and doesn't need to be forced to do something he isn't ready for." Leaving a confused James behind the old lady walked away.

The teenager skipped the rest of the lessons that day and it wasn't until sometime in the afternoon that his friend started to stir.

"Hey, mate", James coaxed, "it's almost three and you're still asleep. Just wake up, 'kay?"

Very, very slowly eyelids were lifted and exhausted silver orbs showed. "Why 'm I here this time?" Sirius groaned and sat up, yawning deeply.

"You threw a fit in Transfiguration", James explained, watching Sirius' every moment cautiously. "Don't you remember?"

For a second or two Sirius continued to look confused but suddenly realization dawned him and he stared at the floor. "Yeah", he mumbled. "Yeah, I do. Did she tell you?"

The last part was said in panic but James quickly calmed him down. "No, she said you'd have to tell me yourself. So, what's really wrong? And don't tell me it's nothing, 'cause I know you better than I know myself and I've never seen you like that."

At first Sirius didn't answer but simply looked out the window, choosing his words carefully. "You know how my family has these ideas about blood?" James nodded but didn't dare interrupt. "Obviously, I don't really share them." A cold, bark-like laughter escaped his dry lips. "Normally I'll just be quiet about it and leave them all alone, but this summer we had this family gathering and, well Ciss and Bella were there. They told mum about you guys and Jennie last year and she didn't really like what she heard".

That was bad; James knew; but he didn't really see how that would make Sirius act as he did. Unless- "They don't hurt you, do they?" he growled angrily.

"Before last summer only once in a while. A slap here, a hair-pull there – nothing serious really." Serious enough. "But now… and it just sucks, James! Because she's my mother and she's supposed to love me no matter what but she doesn't and that hurts more than any curses she can ever throw!"

Both sat in silence for a few minutes – Sirius in shock from having finally told someone his secret, something he'd been keeping quiet about ever since he started school, James too shocked from the new information to manage to say anything. In the end, Sirius spoke.

"The last few weeks I haven't been able to talk back to her. It's not that I don't want to, but I just can't get myself to open my mouth. With McGonagall, it was all the same, those exact words: 'You want to share the information with us?'. Mother said it too, she wanted me to tell her about Jennie and I just couldn't-"

Sirius Black broke down and cried in the arms of his best friends. It was gonna take a long time to get over this and only time could tell if he ever would, but he had his friend and for that moment it was enough to get by.

It's certinaly not the best I've ever written, but it was a hard challenge and I had troubles just getting it done. Please leave a review with your thoughts.

Bea