A/N: This is the most sensible thing I've ever written. For SushiBomb, who I was talking to on Skype and created this monster. I don't even know.

I think this was supposed to be about finding out Mammon's gender CLICHE! but then it sort of evolved into this Levi fic?

Enjoy.

Warnings: Sugoi ochinchins, hot mansex, fanservice B26 and really bad similes.

When someone with a pile of knives next to them and a quite clear murderous intent asks you to bow down and lick his feet, you do it. And when that person has a knife in his hand, ready to stab you with it, and his hair covering his eyes so you can't really tell when he's going to do it, you do it.

Unless you're completely oh-so-sane like Fran and you read rather questionable books whilst someone is threatening to kill you.

"Oh, are you disobeying me?" asked Bel, twirling the knife and glaring at Fran from behind his mop of hair. "I wouldn't advise you to do that," he pointed the knife at the frog boy and grinned, "I am a prince, after all, ushishishi."

Fran looked up from the book (for future reference, it should be noted that the book was called 'How an Anus Works') and replied monotonously, "Yes, I know - Prince of Homosexuals, right?"

Expecting a knife to stab him in the stupid fat frog hat, Fran braced himself, putting on his p-p-p-poker face. But the stab never came. He shot the unusually silent Prince of Homosexuals a slightly confused look. The Homosexual Prince brushed his hair to the side and his gaze of lusty lust settled on Fran, who understood by now and sent back to Bel a lusty look. "You're right," said Bel, advancing closer to Fran like a predator hunting his prey (sometimes, Bel liked to pretend that he was Lady Gaga and that Fran was his prey, a unsuspecting musically oblivious eighth grader who he wanted to bounce on his disco stick). "I am the Prince of Homosexuals, which probably explains why I'm so attracted to you, shishishi." He leaned in towards Fran and cupped his delicate face with his long twig-like fingers. They kissed and it unlocked some kind of gate that held back all their sexual needs from the day they were born and they ripped off their clothes in a flurry of clothes ripping.

"We shall now proceed to have mansex," Fran whispered as they proceeded to have mansex.

Meanwhile, Levi was going on an adventure. Someone had been running through his mind all day.

Mammon.

Was Mammon a girl? Or was Mammon a boy? Perhaps Mammon was an 'it'. Perhaps Mammon didn't have any genitals at all (which might've explained why he often seemed unperturbed by the Arcobaleno curse because it wasn't like he/she/it needed to reproduce or anything). Levi shuddered at the thought of that and made his way up the cracked marble stairs (thanks to Xanxus and his fat ass), thoroughly disturbed.

A few minutes later, he arrived at a pair of indigo doors with a paper plate stuck messily on it. 'Mammon's Humble Abode - Keep the Fuck Out' was written neatly on the plate in curly joined-up lettering. Levi trembled uncharacteristically (unless Xanxus was near, then it was rather normal for him to tremble like rice in that science experiment he did when he was younger which involved putting rice grains on a drum whilst hitting it to see the rice jump up. Or something like that, Levi couldn't remember properly because it wasn't like he wrote down what he did at school in his non-existent diary that didn't exist) as he reached for the door knob. Would the consequences really be worth doing this for? He didn't want to give Mammon another thousand euros (the first was to make Mammon shut up about finding Levi's stash of Xanxus porn). But then again, he wouldn't have to if he wasn't discovered, so he took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

"UN TZZ, UN TZZ, UN TZZ," was the sound that greeted him from inside the room.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," was the sound that the room got in return from Levi.

Mammon's room had been converted into a disco, courtesy of Squalo and Xanxus who were now partying hard like party fucking animals. Squalo gyrated against Xanxus on the dance floor, the tiles changing colour every time they stepped on them (Squalo wanted the non-colour changing ones because they were cheaper but Xanxus shot him in the head which probably meant he disagreed). A huge disco ball hung on the ceiling and rays of sparkly light shone from it like a crowd of seagulls waiting for their next victim to shit on.

"B-Bossu…? And Squalo?" Levi said to no one in particular, feeling rather betrayed that his beloved Xanxus had decided to elope to Mammon's room with that filthy shark bastard, who Levi was certain was just a late developing girl (that's not how you do yaoi, Xanxus).

As if it was a reply, Squalo gyrated faster against Xanxus and their trousers caught on fire because of the sexual friction created by the sexual actions the highly sexual Squalo was doing to the equally sexual Xanxus. Levi chose to ignore it and continued with his quest, remembering to avenge Xanxus later for being defiled by his commander.

He searched around Mammon's room until he found a block of drawers beside a bed, presumably Mammon's, but it had a picture of a snobby-looking man with ridiculous spiked up green hair and stubble thrown careless onto the bed sheets. Levi ignored that as well and picked a drawer at random, pulling it open.

Boxers.

Mammon was a guy.

Levi brushed a stray lock of silky hair behind his ear (the shampoo he had stolen from Squalo was coming in handy right now) and thought about his new discovery. Mammon was a guy. (So did those thoughts that Levi sometimes had about Mammon make him gay?) Levi frowned. It wasn't like Mammon to leave his drawers wide open for anyone to look in. Levi decided to open another, just to double check.

Bras and female underwear.

Mammon was a woman.

Or a man who liked cross-dressing.

Levi pondered this mysterious mystery but he was suddenly mindfucked by Xanxus' sugoi ochinchin. He fell into a heap of sparkly semen and colour changing disco tiles, destined to stay there, preserved by the semen until he would be found in a million years by Zanzasu, Xanxus' great-great-great-granddaughter.

The mystery of Mammon's gender was left unsolved.

Forever.

OMAKE

Lussuria was pumping weights when a drop of sweat ran down his face.

He screamed.

His make-up was smudged.

A/N: what are endings