Dean stepped into the cramped, grimy shower in his cramped, grimy motel room. His jaw clenched and unclenched as it had so many times over the past year, his eyes locked tentatively onto the worn knobs that promised cleansing water.
He shivered. To be without clothes was like…what was it like?
It was like being without armor. It was like something could dig into his exposed, beaten, battered skin and rip him to shreds. It was frightening.
He shook his head, sucking in a deep breath and reaching for the knob. For the first time in a year, Dean was going to shower.
The cold water hit him like a train. He gasped in surprise, squeezing his eyes shut. Grey, twisted forms tore at his face. He exhaled sharply, placing a steadying hand upon the cold shower tiles. He blinked. He was looking at tiles. He watched how his bloody, broken fingers trembled against them, watched how the dirt slowly lifted off his skin.
The water eventually settled at a pleasant, warm temperature. He shivered as the cleansing warmth pattered against his beaten, battered body, and he sighed. It was strange, doing something so ordinary. It was strange, doing something that was…pleasurable.
Suddenly, there were knots in his stomach. Cas. Dean pursed his lips, clenched his fists. Cas wasn't…he wasn't doing this. Cas wasn't….he wasn't…
Dean reached for the knob in the shower, cranking it hard. The warm water suddenly burned hot and roared angrily against his back; steam filled the small space. Dean didn't care that he couldn't see. Red eyes glared at him through the whiteness, stalking him through the mist. Dean would blink and they would disappear; he would blink again and they would return.
Cas.
The name burned his mind like the water scorched his back. He wasn't here. He didn't make it. The eyes circled around Dean; he pounded his fist against the tiles. His breaths came out short and shallow and fast. Why did he make it out? Why couldn't Cas have just….
The water pelted his back like acid rain; skin turned from muddied brown to red. He squeezed his eyes shut again, and this time blue eyes were staring back at him. Cas…Hot tears stung his face as he shifted his weight, accidentally brushing up against the glass shower door.
Sucking in air through clenched teeth, he snarled in alarm at the sudden sensation against his leg. He moved too fast, crashing into the wall behind him and slipping ungracefully to the floor. Groaning in pain, he slowly lifted himself to an upright position as grey shapes swirled around him. This space was too small for his movements now, too contained, too…tame.
He didn't fit here.
The realization sank in him like a rock speeding to the bottom of a black ocean. There was no Cas here, there might not even be any Sammy here. What was the point of being here? He spent every living moment of last year trying to get back to here, and now that he finally was here, now that he finally had it, he didn't fit. Nothing fit.
The water battered his hunched body as droplets clung to his face. He placed his head in his hands, the red eyes watching his shoulders heave.