I Feel Betrayed
Part 1
by Trycee
Timeline: Season 8 between episodes after Dead Alive, starting from Three Words and ending before Vienen when Mulder makes a simple statement of acknowledgement of the baby.
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files, it is owned by Chris Carter. This is written for fun not profit.
Why did I return from death if this is what I return too? The woman that I've loved since the day I met her, the one who has been my partner in life, my lover and my friend is pregnant and I've been dead. I'm confused, I'm angered, there's a eruption inside me...I want to yell, I want to beat my fist against the wall, I want to thrash out at everyone around me but I can't...I'm too in shock and I'm afraid that if I show her my innermost emotions it may frighten her and her unborn baby. I see the tears in her eyes...normally I would go to her immediately and try to wipe away her tears but I don't think HE would appreciate it, whoever HE is! How could she? How could she replace me so soon? And if she didn't...whose baby is it? Was it a donation from a stranger or was it the guy in the hospital, the guy that kept coming into my room to look in on her but would leave just as quickly as if he didn't want to face me yet...He seemed to hover over her. I recognize the look in his eyes...its the same I used to have for her and her alone...a look of a man in love. He could never look at her that way if it wasn't his child she were pregnant with, would he?
I 'd rather be dead than have this as my reality!l My worst nightmare has happened...Scully has moved on without me. It was always my dream to give her the baby she always wanted. We tried nearly two years ago when we were still just friends and nothing happened. Scully was devastated but I told her not to give up on a miracle...and like my return from the grave, she is pregnant and that's a miracle in itself. .I want to be happy for her but I'm too bitter...I'm too devastated...I feel betrayed.
The tears in her eyes...She was so happy to bring me home...she even cleaned my apartment but I don't think she understands how it feels for me. I was dead...gone...where I was I'm not quite sure...one moment I'm making love to her before my trip to Oregon and then Skinner's with me walking in the woods and the next I wake up in a hospital room like countless times before...I see the worry in her eyes but when she gets up, my breath is caught into my throat. She's pregnant...very pregnant...and who is the guy who keeps ducking into my room more than once to look after her?
My heart is broken...stomped on...I do know she still loves me, I can see it in her eyes. Maybe he was there to comfort her. Maybe its some college kids donation for cash that has made her dreams come true. I didn't want to see her cry as she left...I wanted to question her...I wanted to shake her and scream at her, "How could you!', but I couldn't...This is bringing up the whole issue of Ed Jerse and Eddie Van Blunht back to me though I know she never slept with Jerse and she thought she was about to kiss the real me when she was about to kiss Eddie Van Blundht but right now...all of that is bubbling up to the surface right now...I'm alive...and yet the woman I love has moved on without me somehow...She's beautiful pregnant just as I always knew she would be...except I can't match the excitement in her eyes because its not mine. How can I go back to being her friend after all we've shared, after all we've loved? I can't...I can't...
One minute she's mine...kissing me goodbye, the worry for my safety evident in the tenseness of her naked body as we embrace at my apartment right before Skinner knocks on my door. She hides away in my bedroom but when Skinner opens my apartment door I notice her coat and purse are lying on the table by my door. I could see the look in Skinner's face as if he got the confirmation he needed that we were lovers. I smiled shyly and then ducked my head down and follow him out, closing the door behind me. He never mentioned it the entire trip though I know he knew she was there. You could smell the scent of Scully even through the closed bedroom. As soon as we got to Oregon, we walked into the forest and I just remember seeing lights...red ones...and then I wake up to her touch as I lie in the hospital room...and she's not mine any more...How can this be?
"I prayed a lot...," she said, looking at me with pure elation. "And my prayers have been answered."
I looked over to the noticeable bulge of her stomach and I tried to convey some type of happiness for her, the best I could...I was disoriented and I felt like I didn't know her anymore.
"In more ways than one," I tried to smile.
She looked down at her stomach and said, "Yeah..."
"I'm happy for you," I lied.
She looked surprised.
"I think I know...how much that means to you...", I said trying not to let the bile travel up my throat as I had said it.
"Mulder...", she said, as if she didn't know what to say. A single tear trailed down her cheek as she looked incrediously at me. The last thing I needed to hear was, "Mulder, I thought you were dead so I moved on..."
I cut her off and looked away.."I'm sorry...", I said shaking my head as I sat on my desk. "I don't mean to be cold or ungrateful...it's just...I have no ideal where I fit in...right now..."
I looked over to her and there was a look I couldn't read. Her face was almost stoic but there was pain behind her eyes. I shook my head trying to figure it out but I couldn't "I just...ah...I'm having a little trouble...processing...everything," I said with a slight chuckle as I turned my head back towards the lamp on my desk.
I could feel her staring at me, her breathing was heavy. What could I do? Was I able to comfort her any more or was it HIS job now? After she left, making a quick beeline for the door giving me a quick excuse that she had somewhere else to be...I could see her wiping her eyes and I wanted to run after her and tell her I was sorry...Sorry for ever leaving her...Sorry for the tone I had but I couldn't...I just couldn't...I was too hurt.
Before plopping down on my couch, alone, I headed for the kitchen. I noticed she'd bought me a few things to eat but other than that, I could see she had begun packing up my silverware and plates. I still had my microwave but nothing else was out showing that someone alive occupied the space. I grabbed the cold pizza box she'd obviously purchased for me and then headed for my couch. I dumped the pizza box and an ice tea she'd made onto the coffee table and then headed for my bedroom to explore. Some of my things were packed up and rearranged but I could easily find my way around. I wondered why she still kept my apartment, she could've use the refund on the place for her baby...I mean...it was paid for...I paid for the year not monthly since my parents had left me quite a large sum of money. I had sold both of their houses and bought a hideaway under an alias for me and Scully if we ever had to run in the backwoods in Virginia but now the thought of that place seemed more like a dream just like the present. Where the hell was I? Who was I? The scars on my face told me and chest told me I had just had an ordeal...I remember sitting in a strange chair and screaming Scully's name...but those flashes came and went and then I was standing around in my bathroom looking around as if it were a memory instead of reality.
I made my way back to the couch and after eating a slice I tossed the box back into the fridge and downed the ice tea. After that I just sat...no television blaring...no nothing...just silence as I tried to come to grips with my new reality...I had just returned from the grave...like Lazarus or Jesus Christ...though I'm far from a saint, aren't I? I'm just...I'm just lost...How could she? Is what I keep thinking. I reached for the phone...determined to scream the words out at her if I had too but the there was no dial tone. I guess I'll have to wait. I don't have a FBI issued cellphone any more...I'm sure I was legally declared dead so I officially don't exist right now..All of this was hard to take in. For me...It was just a day...One lousy day but for everyone else, life has gone on at record speed. I sat there all night, my mind reeling until there's a knock at the door. I don't move and then I hear her use her key and she enters but she's not alone, Skinner is there too.
I was trying to act like I had not a care in the world as I sat slouched on my couch, my feet resting on my coffee table. They're both staring at me and Scully speaks first. "You didn't change? Did you sit here all night, Mulder?"
I shrugged my shoulders. 'Its no longer your concern, Scully', I wanted to say...but I hold my tongue. Skinner decides to tell me about Kersh's plans for me.
"Kersh wants to put me behind a desk? That is not what Kersh wants.", I say.
Scully rolls her eyes. "No, I think Kersh wants you to quit, Mulder," she says as she walks over to the couch and lowers herself near me but there's still a very noticeable gap between us like they're never was before.
I noticed that Skinner had his eyes on Scully the whole time as if he were worried about her. Perhaps he was worried about her being near me. I'm not crazy, Walter...I'm just a guy that lost everything he ever had in his life, including the woman he loved just to be dumped back into this apartment alive again and for what?...
"It's more than that," I hear him say."He wants to punish you, to hurt you.
I keep my eyes on him at first. "And you by putting you in this position. And Agent Scully, for not giving up on me.," I say looking dead at her. I know she notices the use of 'Agent Scully' verses Scully. Agent Scully is what she is now to me...there can't be any other way. Her head dropped slightly at the use of her title but I continue. "Truth is, this is a bullet that was fired about eight years ago. It's a magic bullet that's been going round and round and right now it seems poised to hit me right in the back of the head."
Scully turns nervously to me, her belly obviously making her uncomfortable. "Well, I think the question is, Mulder, are we going to sit here and let this happen?"
'We?', I wanted to say but I bit the words back. "Scully, you're going to give birth in a couple months. You can talk as tough as you like but you know and I know and they know that in a little while you're going to have more important things than whether or not the X-Files remains open.
She drops her eyes for a second and then looks over to Skinner.
"They're not closing the X-Files. Kersh aims to keep them open with Agent Doggett running them," Skinner said.
"Agent who?", I said turning to face her.
Scully wouldn't look at me at first but then she started speaking and her gaze returned to me. "I've had a partner for the last several months. He was assigned to help me find you. "
I stare at her for a few minutes. 'So that's the guy...her partner...the hover-er...the guy that snuck in an took my place...How long did it take, Scully? You can't be no more than four months pregnant...tops...You can't be no more or less than that, you're petite even in pregnancy...Two months, Scully? Was it desperation? Was it satisfying a need? Was he your comfort when I was gone? I wanted to scream at her but what seemed like an eternity to me only took a fraction of a second in real-time as I stared at her. She looked nervous...very nervous as she fidgeted around.
"Mission accomplished!", I meant that in more than one way. "Does he know what he's doing at all, this guy?" I turned my gaze back at her.
Skinner looked at me. "About the paranormal? Not much."
"I see. Then maybe the question is not who fired this magic bullet, but whether or not it was a lone gunman."
I smiled at that, trying to remain unfazed but when she turned to face me, she had the nerve to defend the bastard.
"Agent Doggett is above reproach, Mulder. He's being maneuvered just like you."
That's his name, Scully? Doggett. My anger welled up in me as I stared at her. "Well, good. At least he's maneuverable," I say as I yank myself up from the couch angrily and walk into my bedroom. I can't see her anymore but I can still see Skinner.
"Where are you going?", he asks me.
"I'm going to get dressed. For the first time I feel like getting back to work."
They wait for me to shower and dress and then we all head down to there cars. Normally I would ride with Scully but I didn't know where my car was and so I opted to ride with Skinner. He looked surprised and Scully looked hurt but I wasn't done...I wanted to meet this Agent Doggett and see who it was that took my place so quickly in the X-Files as her partner, taking away my life's work, ending up in her arms.
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