Love, Commitment and Thongs

Chloë Llewellyn

Arnold Rimmer lay in his bed, thinking. Thinking about his measly humdrum life. Stuck on a ship three million years into deep space. But that wasn't the worst bit; the worst bit was that he was in prison.

The only good thing in his life wasn't really. She was in Dave's life, Dave's bed and Dave's heart. Her name was Kriss, Kristine Kochanski. Arnold shut his eyes and imagined her. Her bright blue eyes shone with radiance, hope and love. Her long brown hair floated down her back like a thousand feathers flowing behind her back as she walked.

He looked at his watch, 1.30 am he longed to go into Kriss' room to spend time with her, kiss her, caress her, make love to her even just talk to her, but he knew he couldn't he knew she wouldn't want any of that and Dave would probably be with her anyway.

Kriss wasn't with Dave she was on her own sobbing in her room she'd fallen out with Dave, so badly that she'd dumped him. No one knew about this, well except for her and Dave obviously. Kriss couldn't lie there anymore she needed to talk to someone. She rolled over and saw Kryten sitting at the table

"Kryten" she called "can I talk to you?"

"Sure ma'am" Kryten replied, "are you okay?"

"Not really" Kriss broke down "I've split up with Dave"

"Why ma'am"

"We had an argument" she rubbed her eyes "I don't want to talk about it"

"Are you sure ma'am?"

Suddenly Ackerman stormed into the room

"Kochanski?" he yelled "can you please tell me why David Lister is running around the canteen wearing only what he says are your knickers and declaring his undying love for you?"

"I don't know, sir" she answered "he's probably drunk"

"Can we sort it out please?" Ackerman demanded

"Since you asked so nicely sir," she responded "sure"

Kriss and Kryten made their way to the rat infested hellhole they called the canteen, you could hear that there was a problem straight away.

"We've got her," Ackerman yelled as they turned the corner. Nothing could have prepared Kriss for the sight that greeted her. Captain Hollister was watching her now ex boyfriend running round in a black lacy thong shouting 'Kristine, Kristine, where for art thou Kristine' at the top of his lungs.

"Ah Kristine" captain Hollister greeted her "what do you know about this?"

"That's David Lister prancing around the canteen in a thong " Kriss smiled

"I know that, Kristine" Hollister responded

"Well sir" Kriss smirked "you did ask"

"yes, I know but can you tell me why?" Hollister continued

"Because he's drunk, sir" she responded bluntly "now can I go back to bed"

Hollister ignored this request "why is he drunk?"

"Because he's pathetic," Kriss told him "he's upset because I dumped him this morning and this is his efforts to try and get me back!"

"Can you get him to stop?"

"He needs to be taken back to his room and left to sober up!" Kriss smiled

"He says he's not going anywhere until he sees you" Hollister replied

"Okay" she turned to Dave "Dave, I'm here, you've seen me now can we all get some sleep?"

"Hello, ssssexy" Dave just about managed with his slurred voice "I want to have ssssex with you, now!" he giggled

"Yes you may well do but I don't" she shook her head and used her hand as a fan to get rid of the smell of alcohol "we'll talk about it in the morning"

"The morning?" Dave asked "I can't wait that long, I need you now Kriss"

"And I need you to sober up" she snapped "once you've sobered up we'll talk about it"

"Okay"

"Now go back to your room and get some sleep" she pushed him towards his room "off you go, you can keep that thong by the way"