Disclaimer: Law & Order: SVU and it's characters are not mine. They belong to Mr. Dick Wolf and NBC. The song lyrics are from Gravity by the amazing Sara Bareilles. Not mine either, of course.
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone
"Why can't I get him out of my head?" Olivia thought to herself as she sat at her desk located in the middle of the Special Victims Unit squadroom. "It's been more than three years," she mumbled under her breath as she fidgeted with her phone.
It was late, well after midnight, and Olivia was alone in the squadroom. Her partner, Nick Amaro, had left for home a little less than an hour ago after they finished their fives on a rape/homicide case they had closed earlier that day. She knew she needed to go home as well and get some rest but she couldn't bring herself to leave. The memories always seemed to flood her mind when she was alone at the precinct at night. She was mastering the technique of keeping them at bay during the day while she kept busy with her cases but nighttime was different. She let that wall down somewhat and allowed images and memories to present themselves. It was all she had left of him.
She was still angry with him for leaving her the way he did, but she was beginning to forgive him. She knew it didn't benefit her to stay mad with him but she just wished she could see him one more time. To talk to him. To touch him. To hug him. To say all those words that she had left unsaid for the twelve years of their partnership. To have some sort of closure.
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your pain
"Why does he have this kind of hold on me?" she thought to herself as she made her way through the darkened bullpen towards the crib. Three years and her feelings were still just as real and alive as they were throughout the entire course of their partnership.
As she walked through the door that led from the bullpen to the crib, she could almost visualize Elliot lying on the bottom bed of the furthest bunk as he had so many nights throughout their twelve years together. She walked over to the bed and sat on the edge of it as she propped her elbows upon her knees and cradled her head within her hands.
"You can't keep wishing for something that is never going to happen," she said quietly to herself breaking the silence of the room. "He was never going to be yours," she continued as she raised her head and pushed her fingers through her hair, "even if you do love him."
Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me
She picked her cell phone up and decided she would text him one final time. Her attempts at contacting him were significantly less than they had been during the first year since he left her, but she hadn't completely given up on him.
"Hey El. It's Liv. Just thinking about you again. I hope to hear from you soon."
She pushed Send knowing it was late and the chance of him actually replying were slim to none, but she had to try one last time. How could she expect to move on with her life and her relationship with Brian if she couldn't let go of him?
She wasn't even sure what she hoped would transpire if he ever did respond to her. She prayed that some kind of release would come to her, but she knew that wasn't likely. Before her thoughts could trail off any more, she was startled as an alert came from her phone that she had placed beside her on the thin mattress of that bottom bunk.
Incoming Message from Elliot Stabler.
With trembling hands, she slide the arrow on the screen of her phone to unlock it. She punched in her four digit passcode and was presented with Elliot's reply. A reply that she had been longing for for so long. Now, here it was. Finally.
"Hey Liv. I was just thinking about you, too. I owe you so much more than an apology, but I am sorry. Please don't hate me."
You loved me because I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone
Hate him? Sure, she had held onto this anger inside of her for three years now, but she could never hate him. She knew now that she loved him. She also knew that she would always love him, despite what happened between the two of them.
She slowly and thoughtfully typed out her response to him.
"I don't hate you, El. I need to see you. We have so much to talk about."
Send. She had so many questions she wanted to ask him. She wanted to know he was okay. She wanted to know why he didn't contact her after the attack from Lewis. She knew he had to know as it was covered by ever news channel within the state of New York. Was she no longer important to him?
Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me
Her phone alerted her once again of an incoming message. She quickly brought the message up and read it's contents.
"I need to see you, too Liv. You haven't left my mind in three years. I miss you a little more each day."
As she read his words to her, she felt the sting of tears being produced in her eyes. A sense of relief swept over her body as she realized he still cared for her.
As she began to type a response to him, she noticed a shadow standing in the doorway. She slowly lifted her stare from her phone to the figure standing across the room. She immediately recognized the outline of his body.
She felt her breath escape her body as he slowly made his way across the crib towards where she sat on the all too familiar bunk. She took in the sight of him wearing blue jeans that accented his muscular thighs perfectly, a black leather jacket that showed the width of his strong shoulders and a blue shirt that made his eyes glow even more than normal.
He sat next to her on the mattress. He placed his elbows on his thighs and clasped his hands in the middle of his stride. He glanced down at the floor as he searched for the right words to say to her.
"I'm sorry, Liv," he said quietly, never removing his stare from the tile beneath them. "I'm sorry it has taken me this long to," he started again but was cut off by Olivia.
"It's okay, El. It's okay," she said in a near whisper as she took one of his hands in hers. She had longed to hear his explanation for years and here she was silencing him.
I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
He finally pulled his focus from the floor and to the woman he was seated next to in the dark crib of the sixteenth precinct. He hadn't been back there since the shooting and had been content with the thought of never returning. But somehow, that night, he knew she would be there. He knew her better than anybody, even better than his wife of near twenty five years.
"I just love you, Olivia," he whispered to her as she continued to hold his hand. His beautiful blue eyes looked deep into her stare, almost as if looking directly into her soul. "I can't fight the feelings any longer."
A smile spread across her sleepy face and a light shot back into her eyes that had been missing for some time now. She felt the void in her heart filling as they sat there together in the darkness. "I love you, too El," she finally replied to him.
He slowly leaned in towards her and she closed her eyes just before their lips were about to meet.
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down
She opened her eyes and stared up at the bunk above her. She picked up her phone from beside her and checked the clock. 2:19 AM. She rose from the bunk and walked over to her locker. She opened it, retrieved her coat and put it on before shutting the door. Just before the door slammed closed, she stopped the motion and looked at the photo taped to the inside of the door. It was a picture of Elliot and her at a Christmas party just a few years prior to his departure from SVU. The happiness was apparent in their smiles. She gently swiped her finger over his face on the picture before closing the locker.
As she walked out of the crib and through the bullpen, she recalled the familiar dream she had experienced yet again. The dream was always the same and she always woke up just before their lips met. She knew she needed to let go of any hope she still had that he would return to her, but she couldn't. Not yet anyway.
He was her gravity. He always pulled her back.
You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long