Jane was sitting on her couch in her apartment. It was late but she didn't know how long she had been there. just sitting, staring at her scarred hands and empty bottles of beer on her coffee table. It had been her routine since that day at the warehouse. Since Maura had said those words to her.
At least I don't play judge and jury and kill people.
In all her life Jane Rizzoli had experienced different kind of emotions, happiness, sadness, anger, fear and even heartbreak. At least what she thought was heartbreak, those previous experience paled in comparison with how she had physically felt after Maura had said that to her. Even though she was sure it was impossible and even though she was sure at some point in her friendship, Maura told her the heart had nothing to do with feelings and it was caused by some limbic thingy. Jane could still feel her heart breaking into million pieces all over again.
She was a murderer, a killer. She had put so many of them behind bars. She had met so many. He's a criminal, a killer. Had been her excuse and yet after Maura had called her a killer she realized how truth it was.
It all started when she was just another uniform, a robbery gone wrong and she chased after the guy until he made a wrong turn and met a dead-end. She had followed the book of course, called after him to put the gun down, his hands up and turn around slowly. It had been too fast for it to be anything more than reflexes and training kicking in. He had turned around abruptly and raised his gun at her. She had blinked and when she opened her eyes the guy was on the ground. It had taken her a moment to realize she had shot him and approached him, kicked the gun away and called for the EMTs. Her then partner, a chubby, much older, sexist prick had finally caught up to her as she was checking his pulse only to find none.
Henry Austin had been his name. She remembered the names of every one of them, sometimes their faces too. They were all bad guys. She tried reasoning with herself and chuckled humorlessly. Paddy Doyle apparently killed only bad guys too. Never children, never women, never men that didn't deserve it. What was it then? What gave her the right to kill people and even be hailed a hero? She looked down at the coffee table where her golden badge rested. That was the only difference between Jane Rizzoli and Paddy Doyle.
Jane ran her hands up and down her face and then into her hair. Her hands apparently were clean but there was almost as much blood on them as there was in Paddy's. Fifteen murders. Her numbers came just a little bit short but she was young and had a few more active years. Give it time, you'll get there... Maybe even surpass his. the same voice taunted her and she shuddered. Her scumbag brain played tricks on her as it sounded like Charles Hoyt's voice.
Jane shook her head and sighed deeply, ever since that day she either felt broken or numb and she didn't know which one she prefered.
Over the last few days she had shot her best friend's father, made her mother move in with her and arrested a dirty cop. Earlier that day as she took Maura to the cemetery she had a little bit of hope that maybe, maybe. It'd be alright but once her mother was asleep in her room and she was left alone in the dark with her thoughts, she didn't think she could take it. Whatever it was. It could be having Maura hating her forever, having Maura look at her like she was a cold blooded killer. Whatever it was, was too much for her to handle.
She took her phone and browsed through her contacts before finally clicking on a name.
"I need a favor" she said as soon as the other person picked up.
Chief Medical examiner, Doctor Maura Isles fidgeted with her dress as she waited for the doors of the elevator to open on the Homicide floor. Once they did she put her maks of confidence and serenity back on, she hadn't seen, speak or known of Jane in the extra week off she had taken before resuming her position. She was not mad at Jane anymore. As soon as Patrick Doyle answered with a 'Yes' after asking him if he'd have shot Jane, she had been ashamed of herself. She couldn't believe how irrational she had acted, putting a murderer and a criminal before the only one who had ever truly been there for her. It had been fear and shame over her behavior the only things that kept her from calling Jane and beg her for forgiveness.
She didn't know what to do, how to act or what to say, she only knew that she wanted Jane to talk to her, look at her and smile at her again, she wanted Jane.
As she walked inside the bullpen she spotted Frost talking with a short woman and Korsak sitting at his desk. She looked over at Jane's and frowned. The usually messy desk was now clean. Too clean. Besides the screen of the computer it was empty. Jo Friday was curled up in Jane's chair, the dog looked up at her, whined and settled back on the chair.
"What is Jo doing here?" Maura asked.
"She's been depressed" Korsak offered as he looked at the dog, looking just as miserable.
"Oh, just in time, Detective Cooper, this is the Chief Medical examiner Dr. Isles" he said with a smile but Maura could see it was a forced one.
"Nice to meet you Detective" She said with a confused smile.
"Nice to meet you too, doctor. I'm Riley Cooper. I've heard a lot about you. I just transferred here but I'm honored to be working with you" The brunette said with a genuine smile.
"Cooper, make yourself familiar with these cold cases" Korsak said handing the folders to the new detective and smiled at her, though Maura could see it was a genuine one either. Frost sighed and handed more folders to her before turning around and grabbing two folders out of a drawer in his desk "... These are... were... are. I mean... These... Detective Rizzoli's" Frost said and Maura frowned at him.
"Just two?" Riley said inspecting the folders "Guess she's as good as they say, such a shame I didn't get to meet her in person, she's pretty much every female cop role model" Riley said and Maura's frown deepened.
"Uhm. Sargent, where's Jane?" She finally asked. Frost and Korsak looked at her confused.
"You don't know?" Frost asked and Maura's look was enough answer for them.
"She uhm... She asked. She's... I guess, she asked to be transferred and had a discussion with Cavanaugh because he wouldn't let her go, they agreed that Jane would be working undercover with Vice and DCU for a while if she still wants to go after she's done with them, then Cavanaugh will transfer her."
Maura frowned, she had heard correctly, she knew all the evidence fit with what Detective Frost told her but yet she couldn't understand, what it was that was really happening. She handed Korsak the folder that was in her hands before taking the stairs down, she didn't have time to wait for the elevator, pulling out her phone she dialed Jane's number only to be send to voice mail, she tried over and over again until she made it to the cafe.
"Is it true?" she asked as soon as she spotted Angela and the look on the other woman was all she needed to know it was.
"Oh, Honey! I thought you knew" Angela said sighing and moved from behind the counter to Maura's side "She told me a week ago, she said she just needed to get away from a while and some friends needed helped with a case, she wouldn't even tell me where she was going" Angela said before starting crying .
"This is my fault" Angela mumbled as she tried to talk through sobs and Maura rubbed her back though, the doctor was as the verge of breaking down as well. She couldn't believe Jane would leave just like that.
"It's not your fault Angela" Maura tried to comfort the older woman.
"Yes it is. She... Since I moved in with her, I noticed she wasn't sleeping, she'd just sit down in the dark staring at her hands and drinking beer, she would place her gun away like it had insulted her or something... And when she did sleep" Angela explained but trailed off as she broke into sobs once more. "When she slept, she'd just move around the couch, mumbling about not being like him and 'not a killer' and sorrys. I should have talked to her and helped her" The older woman added. Maura's ear registered the sound of Angela talking but her brain couldn't process what the woman was saying as it downed on her.
"It's not your fault" The blonde said as she opened and closed her mouth, had her brain being functioning well, she'd have kept her mouth shut as it was, she hadn't even realize she was speaking her thoughts "It's mine... I-I, she shot my father and I was just so angry, I didn't... I-I couldn't. She said and I said... I called her... I said she killed people..." Maura finally looked at Angela to find her looking at her with disappointment and hurt in her eyes, Maura flinched at the look.
"Oh, Maura, how could you say that to her?" She asked sniffing "I thought you were her friend, I thought..." Angela trailed off as she stood up abruptly and glared at Maura "If I wasn't already out of your guest house I'd have left ASAP"
Maura flinched once more as she was Angela walked angrily into the kitchen before she started crying.
"Hey, hey, it's alright" she heard as someone wrapped their arms around her and she stepped back at the contact.
"I'm sorry, I don't like hugs" She said as she sobbed and looked up to find Frankie's compassionate eyes.
"It's ok... I...I'm sorry" Frankie grimaced as he couldn't come up with something to say so he just took a napkin and offered it to her "Ma, didn't mean that, it was just the heat of the moment" he added shrugging.
"She was right" Maura said looking down and Frankie took off his hat, gently and with as little contact as he could manage guided her to a chair and took a seat in front of her.
"You shouldn't have said that, to any cop... At least not the good ones like Jane, but just like ma, you were angry and it was in the heat of the moment, I'm sure Jane knows that" He said trying to make her feel better, though they both knew those words had cut the detective deep "You know when she was my age, she was already a Detective, a great one, the best in DCU and no one doubted she'd make it far. Jane just needs... time and space, she'll be back, she loves working in homicide and she's done a lot of undercover missions, I'm sure she'll be fine, she'll come back and you guys can make up... It's obvious she means a lot to you and believe me, you mean the world to her." he added before standing up, patted her back awkwardly and walked away.
For a moment Frankie's word gave her comfort, until she remembered Angela's too. She couldn't blame Jane for wanting to be as far away from her. If she meant as much to Jane as Frankie said she did and for Jane to hear that kind of comments from her. She shook her head and sighed deeply as her cellphone rang.
"Doctor Isles" She said as she picked up the phone and listened as the guy on the other end told her the location of her next crime scene. She hung up and debated with herself if she should just call Dr. Pike or handle it herself. There was a lot of things she needed to do, she needed answers but the one person that could give them to her wasn't there to give them to her. Deciding it was best to distract herself with work, Maura headed to her office to wash up and compose herself before going to the crime scene. It was going to be a long day.