Disclaimer: "Good Omens" belongs to Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. Worship them. And whilst you're doing that please ignore any unintentional damage I may have done to their characters. Thank you.
Rightly Ineffable
"And there never was an apple, in Adam's opinion, that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it."
Good Omens
It hadn't been intentional. That is, he had planned to bring it up in conversation, but he certainly hadn't planned to fall again. Hell, falling in love hurt more than the drop from Heaven, even if he had fallen in love with an Angel. It was like comparing jumping off a sheer cliff and plummeting towards the sharp rocks at the bottom to walking down a gentle hill.
And now they were discussing their relationship, for lack of a better word, or rather Crowley had pointed out that from where he was standing it had changed.
The demon was just short of cursing himself for mentioning it. He'd thought that dropping it in a casual chat might be the best way; to just come out with it before the Angel spotted it himself. He would have noticed eventually. After all, Aziraphale would have to be a pretty poor angel not to be able to recognise love when he saw it.
Just thought I'd let you know, in case you start wondering or anything, that I love you Angel.
Yes, love. It wouldn't have been so bad if he felt lust or even passion, but no, he'd had to feel something heavenly. And unfortunately there was no other word for it.
And even more unfortunately Aziraphale thought it was wrong, a mistake, an error.
"But how can love be wrong?"
"Well. A demon loving an angel, a man loving a man - "
" – technically a man - "
" – man-form then. Anyhow, the thing is…Right, the thing is s'not natural."
"Love? Most natural thing in the world Angel. 'Love thy neighbour' and all that. An order from on high. It doesn't have a footnote saying 'well not that neighbour wi'the crying baby or the one who … Fact. Fact is, is it written anywhere? That it's wrong?"
"Just a general wrong. Wrongness." Aziraphale searched for a quote of biblical proportions. Oh, there were plenty, he knew, but it's damned hard to quote something accurately when you're drunk, and that's providing you can remember what it was you wanted to say in the first place.
They were sitting at the back of Aziraphale's bookshop. Two empty bottles of wine and some dirty plates on the table were evidence their shared evening meal whilst a further bottle, almost drained, paid homage to the drinking that had followed. It was now safe to say that the pair were drunk. Somehow that made the topic easier to talk about.
"There you go then." Crowley, with vague memories of a conversation of some bird flying to some mountain to watch 'The Sound of Music', was determined to get his argument in before the Angel could confuse things further. "And. And even if it was, were written down or wrong it could be like the tree thing. You know. Told you before." He gathered momentum moving onto a familiar grievance. "Fancy sticking it right in the middle of the garden with fruit that good looking if you didn't want them eating it."
Aziraphale shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He'd had a long time to think about that one.
"S'ineffable, right?" Crowley continued. "All planned. So anything that happens - "
" – or doesn't - "
" – or doesn't, s'ineffable. Right or wrong s'right for the Plan."
Aziraphale thought back to Saturday. That Saturday, when it turned out that the Great Plan possibly wasn't the Ineffable Plan after all, so Earth didn't really have to be destroyed and the hosts of Heaven and Hell had been rather disappointed. Because of some technicality. And he had been the one to voice it.
Doubt.
The Angel always wondered if that was the way he would fall some day; doubting when he should have faith.
"S'too complicated to talk about thingy. Drunken. Drunk. Have to think." Aziraphale prepared to sober up, but the demon leaned across the table and gripped his arm making him pause.
"No, no, no Angel. Don' think. Why d'people have to think all the time? If it's ineffable than what's going to happen's going to happen…going to… Whether you worry about it or not."
"So me not thwarting an' an' you not tempting doesn't matter, 'cause we're not doing it. S'not us. It's the Plan."
"S'gotta depend on people though, hasn' it? Knowing what people do. We're created with knowing what we're gonna do in, in mind."
"An' if we don't? Do what s'ineffable?"
"Well, whatever we do's part of the ineffable thing, right?" Crowley poured himself another glass of wine and topped off Aziraphale's. The Angel was thinking too much to remember to keep drinking for Go- for goodn- for Hell's sake. That was too much thinking for anyone.
"So if we do wha' we want t'do. It'd be the ineffable thing?"
"S'right." Crowley blinked. He said 'what we want to do'. He wants to do this?
"S'not necessarily right or wrong. Ineffable."
So why did he look so bloody miserable?
"So if I fall it s'ineffable, 'cause it's part of the Plan that I'd do something wrong. Someone knew. He knew. Tha' I'd fail at being n'angel."
Crowley's heart dropped, or it would have, if he'd had a heart. "You don' want to fall Angel." He downed the alcohol and reached for more, suddenly feeling as sober as if someone had thrown cold water over him. "You don' want t'do that."
Aziraphale sighed. "But I want to An' it's ineffable really isn't it? S'already known what I'm gonna do so I might as well do it 'cause I'm gonna do it anyway, right?"
The demon shook his head, trying to stop it spinning. "Wrong. 'Cause what if you wanted to but didn't. If you resisted temptation. Isn't that ineffable? Demons tempt, angel's thwart. What if you're supposed to thwart, as always?"
"Wha' if you're not tempting me?"
"I'm a demon. It's what I do."
"You tempting me now?"
"You can't fall Angel." He rested his head in his hands. Somehow this conversation had gotten out of control. He'd wanted Aziraphale to agree with him, wanted him to accept the demon could love him, but he'd never dreamed that the Angel might love him back. Had Aziraphale known Crowley loved him before he'd mentioned it? Had he been trying to put him off because he was afraid of falling?
He didn't want the Angel to fall. He'd never want that.
"Are you tempting me now, Anthony J. Crowley?"
A muffled 'no' came from the dispirited demon and Aziraphale smiled, leaning closer.
"Do you wan' me t'do this Anthony J. Crowley?"
"I'm going to sober up now," Crowley mumbled. He visibly straightened as the alcohol left his system and eyed his drinking partner. "You're drunk Angel. You're not thinking straight."
"You're not gonna start thinking are you? You said thinking. Ing. Was wrong."
"You can't fall Angel. That's what makes the Plan so ineffable: you and people like you. Definite. Dependable."
"God makesit ineffable."
"But it's your choices Angel. And didn't He create you as part of the Plan? You're right. You're always right, always do the right thing, and that's ineffable."
Aziraphale regarded him solemnly and Crowley became uncomfortably aware that those wide blue eyes were looking at him from only a foot away at the most.
"Please Angel. Sober up and do some thinking."
Damn it. Aziraphale had got him coming and going. Now he couldn't even make his mind up about whether thinking was a good thing or not, and he remembered being rather definite about it earlier.
Aziraphale sighed, waited whilst the alcoholic fog lifted, then thought. Surprisingly it didn't take long.
"I always do the right thing because I'm doing and therefore it must be right. Is that what you're saying Crowley? That I'm right?"
"Yes."
The Angel leaned closer.
"Then let's see, shall we?"
And for two people the world moved, whether it was right to do so or not.