She pressed me against one of my own bedroom walls, or maybe it was the doorframe, her lips urgent and demanding. This was how it always was. This urgency, this lust and quick heat… It was always this way.
I thought about it as she pushed me onto my own bed. I was bigger, maybe stronger- I could've pushed back. I could've fought her off of me, said 'no' for once. But I kissed her back. I opened up to her again for the umpteenth time… I guess I stopped counting at around 60. I stopped tallying how many times I've given into her lust, her demands, because they were mine too. And I loved her. I still love her. But I'm sure she's just in it for the sex.
Her fingers pulled at the hemline of my shirt and I moaned, she thought from pleasure, but I just wished I could stop her. I just wished she weren't straddling me. Not like this. But I let her have me. Somehow, in a twisted way, I liked it. I always liked it. Because for a moment I could always fool myself. Tell myself she loves me as much as I love her. And maybe she does, to be honest. Maybe sex is as much of a mask for her as it is for me, because screwing is so much easier than saying 'I love you.' Maybe she's too afraid to admit to that… I know I'll never tell her.
She trailed kissed down my bare stomach, her lips tickling my skin. I smiled uncontrollably, but I think it was fake. Would I stop her this time? My heart wanted me to, but my head said I wouldn't, and my body said I couldn't. It's good, what she can do to me, and sometimes it's just as bad.
I was under her spell again, my heart rate flying and my breath heavy. Her tongue moved in cunning patterns I swore only she had mastered, and I couldn't fight the next smile. The next moan. The next cry of her name. But when I did cry her name, half of it was a real cry. A real pleading to stop. But I let her go on. There was no way I could've stopped her at that point… So close to a climax. So close to ecstasy.
And when it was all over, she trailed kisses back up my stomach. My chest. My neck. She landed one on my lips tenderly, like she meant it, and one on my forehead all before snuggling next to me as my breath evened and my bliss faded. And it was in that moment I realized that I'd let her break me again. I cursed myself for being seduced for the umpteenth time… Something after 60. And I wondered if this was how it would always be. Sex without a reminding word the next morning… But maybe that's all we had. Maybe that's all we still have. A part of me hoped that it was the last time, but looking back on it now I can honestly say that it was far from it. But I did so wish that it would be the last time, because I never say no to her. It'll never be anything more than that. Dead on arrival, right? Me and her… I guess you can't make something out of nothing…