"Today is a sad day for us all. The accident was the last thing any of us thought would take the life of such an amazing person." Tears ran freely down his cheeks "It's not right, one year two months we have been home and just one month back on duty this happens."
The rest of the memorial was a blur to him. People said their good byes, placed flowers and moved on, the Voyager crew and family members remained behind for a longer goodbye. Each hugged another and shared a story or two. The midday sun was beginning to get hotter so they all started on their own ways.
"Harry wait a second." Tom called to his friend
"Hey Tom I really don't feel like talking right now" Harry said sadly
"I know Harry listen B'Elanna and I are having a few people over why don't you and libbie come" Tom said as he put his arm around Harry's shoulder
"I don't know Tom, I will think about it" Harry said as he moved away from Tom and took Libbie's hand and walked away.
Three weeks Later
"NOOOO!!!" He woke with a fright, covered in sweat he got out of bed and walked to the bathroom he splashed cold water on his face and went back to his bed. After another hour of tossing and turning, he gave up on sleep, had a sonic shower and made breakfast.
He activated the computer and contacted the Doctor.
"Good morning sir, you're up early."
"Yes, well that happens when you can't sleep."
"No need to get angry I will be over in a second." The doctor ended transmission and true to his word he knocked at the door.
"Come in."
The EMH walked in and looked around "Nice place. A little small but very nice."
"Doctor make your self at home. Now about me not being able to sleep."
"Yes, tell me what seems to be stopping you? Not tired? Can't relax? Bad dreams?"
"Bad dreams."
"Again?! Sir it was not your fault. You had nothing to do with what happened. Hell you weren't even there."
"I know that. But if I was I could have stopped it or something." Chakotay said rubbing his temples as he sat down on the sofa beside the EMH
"Here take this when you can't sleep." The EMH said "And Chakotay, stop blaming yourself okay?"
Chakotay showed the EMH out then went back to the sofa with the computer in front of him. He activated a few video files.
"Would you stop that I need to get work down before Starfleet takes Voyager."
"Get together everyone I want to take a photo of everyone; Doctor that includes you get over here; I'm coming just need to set the delay; everyone say Voyager!"
"Congratulations Doc, you're married; Thank you Admiral I'm so happy; I am sure you are"
"Admiral your pregnant congratulations; thank you Doctor.. I think; who's the lucky man; oh you know"
"I'm sorry Admiral the baby didn't survive a virus damaged the development of the heart; TURN THAT OFF!"
Chakotay paused the video playback so he could go to the kitchen for more coffee. Sipping his coffee he sat back down and reactivated the playback.
"Thank you so much for recording this Chakotay, if nothing else I will have something to remember; No need to thank me Kathryn I enjoy spending time with you. Have you thought of a name yet?; Yes Patrick Edward."
Chakotay passed the recording again and starred at the image of Kathryn and her new born son.
Mid morning Chakotay was sitting in his office at Starfleet head quarters reading over reports on the accident trying to learn as much about it as he could.
"Captain Chakotay I believe you requested this information."
"Chakotay looked up to see Admiral Paris standing at his desk. Quickly Chakotay stood up at attention.
"No no Captain not needed sit, we need to talk." Admiral Paris said pointing at the chair behond Chakotay.
"Now I know this is hard for you, Kathryn was a good friend of yours and mine. She was the best and will be missed."
"Yes she was the best Sir. But it is not right she just got back from being away to have the baby, why did she have to be sent on that mission? Her son will never know his mother, never be get to see how brave she is or how funny she is. Why did this happen Sir?"
"Chakotay Kathryn knew what she was getting into when she became an officer. It was an accident. Reports from the survivors say that she remained behind to make sure everyone got off the ship safely. This was a new ship, a test ship, and like her father she wanted to test the ship she helped design. It will be hard for a long time Chakotay, but we will grief and move on." Admiral Paris said as he handed Chakotay a PADD.
"I will not, that boy deserve an explanation when he is old enough to understand."
"When he is old enough Captain don't you forget that, and for the moment Gretchen and Phoebe will be raising the boy." Admiral Paris said making his way to the door
"What about the father shouldn't he be raising the Patrick?" Chakotay asked standing up now looking anger then he had in days
"Captain! The father has been notified and is doing his best. He needs time to grief too, he just lost his wife and has to figure away to deal with that and raise a baby. Good day Captain." Admiral Paris replied and left the office closing the door as he left.
"Captain Chakotay what a nice surprise. How are you doing?"
"Just fine Doctor. Listen we need to talk about a few things, have time to be counselor again?"
"Of course sit, cup of coffee?" the EMH asked
"Sure that would be nice." Chakotay replied
"Doctor what do you remember about Admiral Janeway's delivery?"
"I remember the whole thing, she almost lost the baby again and we almost lost her too." The Doctor said
"Was the father of the baby there?"
"Why of course he was there. Why would you ask that?" The EMH replied
"Who was it?"
"Captain! That is private information. Admiral Janeway said that her marriage and the birth of her son would be kept a secret no matter what happens." The EMH said with a sharp tone
"What if I told you that I was the father of the baby and I was her husband." Chakotay told the EMH
"I would say that you were lying."
"So who is the father Doctor and who is Admiral Janeway married to?" Chakotay questioned the EMH again
"I will not tell you no matter how many times you ask."
"It's you. She is married to you!" Chakotay snapped "But who is the father to the baby?"
"I… no…. Chakotay! How dare you!" The EMH spat out
"I'm sorry Doctor she isn't married to you. I just want to know who I can contact to send my sympathy to." Chakotay almost whispered as he rubbed his head
The EMH sighed and walked over to his computer, took a PADD and entered a few things into it.
"Here, please don't let anyone else know what is on the PADD." The EMH spoke softly
"When are you coming for dinner Chakotay? My wife wants to meet some of the people I worked with on Voyager?"
"Soon Doctor I promise, just need to take care of a few things first." Chakotay replied and left the Doctors office
Chakotay walked the streets before finding a nice coffee shop to stop in and read the information he had been given by the doctor. He ordered his coffee and sat down in the corner out of the way so he could read in peace.
"Chakotay I am sorry I have never told you about my pregnancy, believe me I wanted to, you have a right to know that one night of celebration ended up with me getting pregnant. I miscarried and it hurt so bad to lose it."
Chakotay looked up from the PADD as a young lady had come over to him.
"Sir I am sorry to interrupt but I was told to give this to you." The young lady handed him a piece of paper.
"Thank you." Chakotay said as he looked at the paper. He thought to himself someone went to all this trouble to write a not on paper it must have something to do with Kathryn.
It read;
"Chakotay it wasn't an accident and there are still more survivors, one might even be Kathryn. Keep digging and I promise you will have the answers you seek.
Signed
Me"
Chakotay reread the note two more times but still had no idea who this "me" was and how they knew about the accident but he was sure of one thing, he needed to get off Earth to get more answers. He picked up all his PADDs and made his way back to his apartment.
Chakotay started to pack his uniforms and a few PADDs when his computer beeped, he turned it on and saw B'Elanna
"I here you are taking a trip. Any reason why?"
"I need time to think. I also need to get away from here to many reminders." Chakotay said as he packed the PADDs into a case
"Listen I know this is hard for you, it's hard for all of us, we made it all the way home only to lose the one person that made sure we made it home in a test flight accident."
"Thank you B'Elanna for the reminder, I just need to get away to grief and move on." Chakotay said and ended transmission. He picked up the cases and walked out of his apartment to go to the transport pad.
"Where to Sir?" the transporter operator asked
"Aboard the cargo ship Destiny please." Chakotay replied
"Right away Sir."
When Chakotay arrived on the ship his small crew he asked for was waiting for him. He spoke briefly to everyone and then walked to his quarters.
Taking the PADD the Doctor gave him out of the case he made his way to the bridge.
"The bad land warp two ensign" was all he said on his way to the ready room. Where he sat down and read the PADD again.
Chakotay I lost myself when that baby died, I didn't want it to happen again so I tried to keep my relationships professional only and that was that. Little did I know I was going to fall in love again, I never told the person that I loved them and I tried to keep from going anywhere near them. It was hard at first but sure enough I managed to keep busy and that worked. Until one night at a party I found myself in that person's arms dancing and laughing, even having a few drinks. I told the Doctor after I found out I was pregnant to tell anyone that asks I was married and to keep the identity of the father a secret. I also told Admiral Paris the same thing and he agreed to keep it that way. I the party was so nice seeing all my former crew happy, seeing Seven enjoying her husbands singing. It made me happy When the Doctor told me he was getting married I nearly screamed with joy. I met the lovely lady; she was so friendly and so perfect. Oh now look I'm crying. Chakotay I'm sorry…..I"
Chakotay tried to get the message to continue but that was all there was, an incomplete message that he may never read the ending to or find out what she was about to say.