Authors Note: HI PEOPLES! After what? A year of being dead I return with more crack! Yeah sorry bout that. Please read and review! Is that what R&R means? Cause I never know
Disclaimer: I no own Kingdom Farts ............. I mean HEARTS.
It was a peaceful night er…… Its always night at Castle Oblivion right? Whatever back to the story….
The blank white halls of the castle were coated in a bright pink substance, as well as ketchup and glitter. Axel, hung from the chandelier scouting out the other 12 members, the night vision goggles that he wore weren't helping that much in this task. He aimed at the passing coated member running below, then shot a paint ball at them.
"NUMBER EIGHT!" Zexion yelled as he was covered in the same pink substance that was on the walls. Right before he could make another complaint to the other nobody, Namine ran passed soaking the halls with another round of ketchup.
"What did Larxene give her?" Roxas asked peering over the opposite side of the chandelier.
"Probably crack……… again." Axel replied, replacing the paint ball gun for a tranquilizer one. This one was so over used the trigger stuck half the time, after the tenth tug the annoyed red head beat the weapon against the ceiling. Something must have clicked for a dart shot out of the nozzle at the end, but it didn't hit Namine.
"My eye!" cried Vexen, who just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. As he ran in circles Namine returned down the opposite alley with a tube of mustard this time.
"Muhahahahahahah!" she laughed, like the mad woman we all know she is, shooting every clean surface, until that bottle was empty. She reached back in her arsenal of food condiments, and shot another round.
Larxene growled angrily as she rounded the corner to see what was keeping her from her late night torture sessions. One glance and she could tell, Namine got into the crack supply again. She walked over the collapsed bodies and avoided the streams of Ketchup, it was like the red sea parting only this was ketchup and actually red. Larxene remained perfectly clean as she smacked the younger blonde across the head, rendering her unconscious.
"Demyx get the bleach!" she growled.
"Why did you get your perio-" before he could finish the sentence Larxene fist was politely forced in his mouth. She took the extra large bottle of bleach made just for this occasion, as well as the one Demyx was about to say.
"Um Axel how do we get down?" Roxas asked, not really wanting to clean but if the Nymph below saw that they were also responsible for the mess, well…..
"Wait for someone to pass, then jump on them." He stated proudly, aiming the paintball gun one more time at Zexion.
Once poor Demyx collected most his fallen teeth, he was thrown a sponge and mop. He did his job every week, they really needed to find a better hiding spot for that crack. He pushed the excess condiments into a pile when he noticed the talking chandelier above. "Hi Axel!" he waved.
You just have to love Demyx, Axel then shot at the little camera in the wall "Darn fourth wall," he mumbled. Roxas started shifting uncomfortably on his side of the chandelier, which caught the current sniper's eye. "What's wrong?"
"I ……….. have…………to ……………..pee!" he whined. Axel stared questioning at the younger one of the two.
"Well, we're kinda stuck till another person comes by"
"But I gotta go now!" he whined dancing a bit more. Just then another member walked right under their hiding spot. IRONY~
"OK we jump ……. Now!" Axel called as they both jumped from the sides, landing safely on the poor victim.
"My spine~" the voice cried the voice under their weight, now if you think about it those two would be heavy. With Axel's head filled with hot air and all…..
Larxene laughed from her post, which was behind Demyx making sure he was cleaning for if he didn't she would ram the broom handle where it should never go. The poor ninth member was scrubbing the orange-ish, pinkish and yellowish stains on the wall, mumbling about how they could've have kidnapped Cinderella instead of Belle.
"Xemnas what about the whole 'Nobodies can't feel' theory?" Roxas asked no longer concerned with the need to pee.
"That wasn't when I had two people land on my back from a 30foot fall" he growled, feeling a wet spot develop.
Demyx whined when the sudden smell hit the air, "Why did it have to be my laundry week~?" he whimpered, feeling the broom handle. He returned to scrubbing the pink paint off.
"What smells like piss?" Zexion commented, as his hair had a cotton candy theme of blue and pink. Roxas' eyes shifted around in hopes no one accused him, while Axel tried to hold a chuckle back. While everyone had forgotten Vexen laid in a pile of relish with the tranquilizer dart in his eye. But nobody cared cause its Vexen, which is a good enough reason not to care.
"Larxene, its not coming off" whined Demyx.
"Then we'll have to get it painted ……….. For the third time." she sighed.
"WHAT!" yelled Xemnas, now ignoring the horrible pain in his spine and the urine smell. "Why wasn't I informed of this?"
"Well ya see, we though you'd be mad so…… Larxene threaten to neuter Saix if he didn't get the money for the paints and cleaning." Axel explained making a circular motion with his wrist.
"Why did you threaten number seven?" Superior questioned knowing the two weren't planning on getting off anytime soon, so he propped his head up with his hand.
"Cause he has access to the money from …" Roxas trailed off as Axel's hand covered his mouth.
"Demyx you can stop now," Larxene informed, dragging her broom to her quarters where Kingdom Heart knows what happens. All of the conscious members stared at the mess in silence, with one question in mind, Where did the glitter come from?
The very next day er night er you get my point. The whole organization pitched in to pay for the little hallway incident. Zexion was still in a killing mood for the pink paint had not come out yet even after washing it multiple times. Namine was currently being bound to a chair in Larxene's room to make sure she caused no more trouble. Vexen was sporting an eye patch after lying in the relish for about 10 hours, did anyone seem to care though was the real question.
"The crew has order we all leave for the wall must be destroyed from all the ketchup mold beneath it," Xemnas explain in the meeting which only a hand full of people were there and fewer who were listening. "So that leaves our only choice…"
"ROAD TRIP!" Demyx cheered jumping from his seat, thus falling onto the floor below. Xigbar peered over his seat to catch a glimpse of how bad the damage was.
"Its ok there's only bout ¼ blood loss this time" he reassured them all.
"Thank you Number 2, could you clean up the corpse again Number 4?" Xemnas asked rubbing his temples, was this going to be a common thing for number nine to fall out of his chair. The answer is whatever the heartless author decides……
The nearly blind blond, teleport from his chair to the floor, lazy if you ask me, to avoid another injury. Vexen grabbed Demyx by his boot and dragged the mangled boy to the laboratory, not caring too much as Demyx's head banged against each stair. There just so happened to be 543 stairs, the only reason he knew was Larxene played 'Smash you comrade's head into each stair' and she took liberty of counting.
Lexaeus still had a bruise from that fun little adventure and that happen oh about 4months ago. Once at the bottom of the stairs with a nearly dead Demyx, Vexen did what ever you do to cure a nobody I would tell you but the game never specified, so live with it.
Once the energetic blond was back to full health, Demyx happily sang "We're going on a road trip" all the way to the top of the stairs. Vexen questioned why he didn't teleport the rest of the 278 stairs after feeling his IQ drop at least 5 points.
They returned at the tail end of the meeting, not much was said expect a debate of which was better on a verity of odd things. "I vote Disney World!" called Axel waving his hand like an eager kid.
"This is not a democracy number 8," Saix replied flatly, because we all know he has no sense of fun. Party pooper.
"It is in America!" called Luxord, flashing four aces.
"We're not in the USA are we?" Xemnas snorted, flicking back his hair like all the member do at some point.
"What's a USA?" Demyx asked looking puzzled at the others. The wall the no chairs were present flashed a map of the Planet Earth, Zexion held a long pointer stick to some large land mass that was labeled USA.
"This, number 9 is USA, or commonly known 'The United States of America'. Is a country found on the continent of North America. Where they believe in a democracy, where the people choose. It also is the home for Baseball, Apple Pie, and fat people." Zexion informed snapping the steel pointer shut.
"Oh ok, then what's Disney Land"
"I'll explain dat!" Xigbar called kicking the shorter nobody out of the way. A bright picture of the magic kingdom flashed on the screen, "That is Disney World, the happiest place on earth~"
"Until that that god forsaken rat steals you wallet!" called Luxord, which in a far off land King Mickey had a sneezing fit.
A row of pictures of roller coaster, happy children, candy, and everyone who was kicking their butts except Sora.
"Oooooh~" cooed Demyx like a kid, "Road trip to Disney world PLEASE Superior?" begged number nine with the puppy eyes, which would either give anyone diabetes or make them cave in.
Xemnas covered his eyes with his hand really wishing this would end, which would happen to be a first "Ok fine we'll take a vote. Raise you hand for Disney World." groaned Xemnas.
Axel, Demyx and Roxas raised there hands, "Closet Fun Time for those that have their hand down!" declared Axel, which raised every hand very quickly. "Good"
They all were forced in the tiny ship, Namine was forced in the trunk for precautions and Roxas as sent back with her for company. Pity the poor soul. "So Namine…." Roxas tried to start a conversation with the crazy female, but nothing seemed to come to him.
The blonde girl was innocently drawing Kingdom Hearts knows what, looking to innocent for my likings. "What are you drawing?" Roxas tried with the whole conversation again. She held up the sketch pad, when Roxas saw what was draw he couldn't help but inch slowly away a few feet. In the little window that showed the upper seats, Roxas nuzzle his face against the glass giving a pleading look. But no one seemed to notice, for cramming twelve people into a ship meant for 4 was a bigger priority than helping Roxas in the trunk.
Demyx out of fear hid behind Marluxia as Larxene glared and had her weapon on hand. The pink haired nobody rolled his eyes as the shared seat with resulted in his head against the window in a painful position. Zexion being one of the lighter ones was forced to sit on someone's lap to save room and that lucky someone was Axel.
"Don't touch me," Zexion growled looking at Axel out of the corner of his eye, before returning his gaze to the ridiculously long novel in front of him. Axel just rolled his eyes, shaking his head in attempt to mock the resident on his lap.
Back in the trunk Namine had taken Roxas' shoe for some fathomable reason, and was hugging it like a toy. The other in the trunk had inch into his little corner trying to find a happy place, preferably with out Namine. But poor Roxy this trip is only a few hours, now what else is determined to happen?
"I spy something red," stated Demyx nodding in agreement to what he just said. The few who gave a darn to play we looking around for something red.
"Axel's hair?" asked Luxord picking the dirt from his nails. How he got dirt there when their always wearing gloves is beyond me.
"Nope, it the zit on Mar-" Demyx was forcibly choked by the pink, wait a second pink just doesn't fit here, Magenta haired nobody beside him. Magenta-Pink same thing. "I mean yeah the hair," Demyx squeaked, once finished was released from the death grip.
"Ok my turn," Axel interrupted tapping his skeletal finger to his chin "I spy something……… orange."
After a few seconds of looking no one could see anything orange in the ship. Until Saix pointed to the orange painted window leading to the trunk.
Apparently someone had brought the paintball gun and Namine had found it. When Roxas refused to give her his sock she went on a rapid shooting spree. In the small space with balls of paint flying a incredible speeds it could get dangerous.
"Yeah," replied Axel to the gesture when a sudden thought smacked him upside the head. "Roxas' is in there!" He jumped in his seat throwing Zexion to the floor board. The angry cotton candy scheme nobody whacked Axel with the novel of a good fifteen hundred pages.
By the steering wheel Xigbar and Xaldin were stabbing the GPS with pencils, for some reason no one shall know. Xemnas, who never took a Driver's Ed lesson in his existence, was driving. Be afraid very afraid. A few old ladies walking their pet cats had almost been hit several times and a few trees remained in tact by threads.
"What's this button do?" Xigbar asked no one in particular as he pressed the big red button on the back of the GPS. As we all know you never press the big red button. For the button was a self destruct button making the device explode in the two's faces. Xigbar coughed a few puffs of soot up, while Xaldin contemplated on killing the Frees hooter or stabbing him with the pencil. The next moment Xigbar had a pencil lodged in his forehead, making him look like a deformed unicorn.
"Stop fighting!" order Xemnas, who swerved to avoid another granny and cat. "acting like children."
Xigbar tried using his new found horn to stab Xaldin little did it do though. When Xaldin summoned one of his six lances, but being the idiots they are and not think how a six foot pole with blades on it would fit in a tiny ship. Thus Vexen lost another eye, but no worries its only Vexen.
"Wanker~," chimed Xigbar to Xaldin, when the blind blond was bleeding out another eye. Thus the Unicorned Xigbar started another pencil war, which Xemnas seemed to ignore and this time actually hitting that granny with a cat. Now who walks a cat is beyond me but it is possible.
In the trunk poor Roxas was being petted like a cat as Namine was the evil five year old petting him pulling the poor kitty's hair with each stroke. The trunk was coated in orange paint and glitter, now seriously who's getting this glitter?
"Pretty Kitty," Namine kept repeating in a senile voice, making Roxas almost wet himself again. While in the tiny window Axel watched in horror, as his friend was being attacked by the thing.
"We have to save him!" Axel chirped, before looking completely confused to as why there was glitter. Don't worry Axel we all are.
"I'm not risking my ass to save him, he said he wanted to leave anyway." Larxene replied, flipping another page of her magazine from Marluxia stash.
Axel stared at her dumbfounded, "When did he say he wanted to leave?"
"Oh it was only in the three hundred blogs he posted last week," Zexion answered throwing his novel again at the red head. But the sixth member had no aim what so ever, and the book hit Saix in the face, did anyone care? Well maybe that crazy fan girl with a musket pointed at the author but no one seriously cared what happened to the author, so that would be a no.
"Lies," hissed Axel, when he noticed what the book was opened to. "What on earth do you read?"
Zexion sunk down deeper into the floor board, glancing in each direction rapidly. Demyx grabbed the book from the floor, opening to a random page. After a few seconds of reading Demyx's face distorted.
"What is a cond-" the book was snapped shut on Demyx by none other than Marluxia, since he was trying to protect the poor idiot. Because he is a soft hearted pansy. "I think you broke my nose…" Demyx said slowly, with a stuffy voice.
Zexion had sunken another few inches down, completely hidden for the simple fact he's short. While Marluxia removed the book from Demyx possession, throwing it to Luxord cause its appears he likes that kinky stuff.
"Oh my gosh, this pencil horn is great for donuts!" Xigbar chimed as he had a Krispe Kreme hooked on the pencil. While Xaldin smacked his forehead in shame, Xigbar continued cramming excessive amounts of donuts in his mouth which would prove inhumanly possible. All while Xemnas wonder where in the seven hell did they get donuts but its not that hard to believe they had them.
When the radio started playing the overused song Sexy Back by the one singer who should retire soon, the unicorn and monkey in the front seat started moving their heads with the beat. Killing their none existing brain cells, but since they don't exist…….never mind.
As we return to our friend in the trunk, "BAD KITTY!" Namine screeched strangling Roxas, who had not a clue as to what he did wrong. Axel who sat there staring in horror mainly cause a sweet, innocent, quiet girl shouldn't be this violent but what Axel doesn't know, which is a lot by the way, is the quiet ones will get you. Finally having enough of watching his friend nearly die, Axel opened the window making you wonder why he didn't do it sooner.
"COME'ON ROXAS!" Axel yelled holding his hand in the trunk in attempt to be useful. The poor 'kitty' took the hand but was only able to fit his torso through the window. "Darn it Roxas, I told you to stop gorging on ice cream."
"Well isn't that the half she wants anyway," kindly added Luxord, while reading Zexion's 'book'.
The simple statement made Roxas go in to utter shock, "You think I'm FAT!" he yelled, ignoring Luxord's statement for the better.
"Its just…. Dur…..shoot," Axel tried to cover his fault, as he made a clapping monkey gestures. Then the miniature ship became bright as an idea hit the red head harder than that dusk did. "Your not fat you just have a big butt."
"And Axel would know since he's always staring at it!" added Demyx gleefully, causing poor Roxas even more confusion. Axel could be found smacking his head against the sides of the ship, trying to forget his life altogether.
A loud roar was heard silencing the occupants, but silence was soon ended with a girlish scream on Xaldin's part. "You just bit me," Xaldin stammered in disbelief.
"Don't touch my donuts," hissed Xigbar, cradling the precious white dotted box and stroking it delicately. Who would be indicated as the one who bit number III.
Xemnas annoyed said "Xigbar what did we discus about biting?"
"It's a way of passing disease and you don't know if they bathed," Xigbar replied as if it was repeat many times, knowing him it probably was. He then whispered lightly to the box "its ok, he won't hurt you."
Xaldin stared at Xigbar a little bit more afraid than usual.
Back to our Roxas dilemma, Namine was twitching worse than a lunatic maybe cause of the strange white filled bag she found of… you guessed it sugar. Ha what's you think it was, pot heads. She was sorting through the luggage looking for something her precious would want, but all she could find in Axel's bag was Hello Kitty underwear. Which did her no good unless….. "Axel-san~" she chimed so the others could hear.
The pyro-moron I mean Manic, gave the voice a questioning look. Roxas was becoming more and more terrified with what she had plan, since the only thing stopping her from killing them all was his butt.
"I know your dirty little!" she giggled, cracking open another suitcase.
"NO! Not that I secretly pretend to be batman on Saturday mornings!" Axel yelled grabbing his head. Everyone in the vacancy of the ship turned to look at the red head. "What? Oh Shi-!"
Before he could finish the sentence Luxord smacked the novel in his face rendering him unconscious on top of Roxas. "My occupation is completed," Luxord stated as he opened the not so damaged book.
"Can't breathe," whined Roxas, as the heavy Axel landed on him. But the little voice was so muffled no one could tell what he was saying.
"Anyone notice this is a perfect opportunity for a yaoi fic?" noted Demyx.
"What do you think Number XI is doing?" snorted Saix, as he rolled his eyes. Zexion looked up faster than normal as he looked quickly in both directions before going back to his floorboard hide away. Demyx and many others all had the same look of confusion.
"KEEP IT DOWN BACK THERE!" Hollered Xemnas, as he swerved to avoid another tree. Xaldin too this opportunity to steal a Krispy Kreme, only to get his hand nearly crush under Xigbar's bite again.
"What was the for!?" Xaldin yelled trying to free his hand.
"If you eat donuts you'll get fat~," informed Xigbar, petting his lovelies again and by lovelies I mean donuts ya sickos.
Xaldin snorted "Yeah like you aren't" This simple statement made Xigbar burst into tears, heavier than a prom queen on Prom night. Vexen finally having enough of the two idiot's bickering decided to give his imput, but when he went to speak Xemnas just so happen to make another unplanned right turn causing the gauntly scientist to go unconscious after hitting the ship side.
"WE'RE HERE!" Announced Xemnas. Demyx cheers of glee echoed for a five mile radius, making all the simple minded people of that area's brains turn to mash potatoes.