Paradise Regained
Author's Note: This was written for the VAMB 2014 Secret Santa Exchange. This was written for PiOneOneZero who requested J/C drama, drama, drama. I don't know that it actually has a lot of drama, but it is what it is.
Kathryn set the basket on the table and examined the contents with satisfaction. There were quite a few tomatoes, enough that they could start thinking about how to preserve them.
"Kathryn? Oh, there you are."
Chakotay entered the shelter, pausing to take off his shoes at the entrance. He was shirtless and sweaty and headed straight for the pitcher of water. Kathryn hastily looked back down at her basket to keep from staring at his chest.
"It's hot out there! Do you want to go swimming? I see you've been busy. Wow, that's a lot of tomatoes."
He came over to stand next to Kathryn and peer into the basket. Funny, she'd seen Chakotay only about an hour ago when he passed her to retrieve a tool he needed, but it felt as if this was the first time she was seeing him in a long time.
"A swim would be nice. I'll go change."
She hurried to her alcove and pulled on her swimsuit, then braided and pinned up her hair. Chakotay was waiting with towels by the front door and he smiled, eyes sweeping over her for a minute before he turned to lead the way.
They stopped at his work area so he could show her his progress on the boat and then they stopped by the garden so she could show him the perimeter force field she had set up that morning. The little primate and his friends were becoming very bold about venturing into the garden and stealing the tomatoes. They chatted as they walked the rest of the way to the swimming hole and Kathryn couldn't stop smiling. It was just so peaceful to be with Chakotay. So calming. The water was cold. They both dipped their toes in and looked at each other, wincing.
"It's better to just get it over with. Are you with me?" Kathryn asked.
Chakotay grinned.
"Always!"
He grabbed her hand and they jumped in together, gasping and laughing. He splashed her and she dove under the water, trying to grab his legs, but he came after her, grabbing her and pinning her against his chest, then standing so that their heads were above water. She struggled against him and he held on tighter.
"You have to say please if you want me to let go of you."
"Never!"
She squirmed harder.
"Say please or I'll dunk you!"
"Please!"
He let go of her and she immediately threw herself against him, knocking him into the water.
"That's what I do to bullies, Mister."
"Oh, it is, is it? Well, I can't let you get away with that."
Kathryn shrieked as he tried to grab her and he laughed as he chased after her. They climbed out after awhile, both shivering and laid out in the sun. Kathryn was openly staring at Chakotay's chest and thinking about how good it had felt to be held against him.
"Are you still cold, Kathryn? Come closer. I don't bite. Much."
He waggled his eyebrows at her and Kathryn smacked his shoulder.
"But I do, so watch it."
She let him pull her against him, so that he was spooning her from behind. One hand slowly stroked up and down her arm and Kathryn shivered.
"Still cold?"
"No. That feels nice."
"Good. I like to make you feel nice."
Kathryn sighed as the hand wandered to her shoulder and then down to trace her collarbone. A finger dipped tentatively under the fabric of her swimsuit and carefully explored the soft mound of her breast. Kathryn gasped. Chakotay quickly pulled away.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have presumed to..."
"Chakotay, it's all right. It just—it felt very good. It's been a long time for me and that felt very good."
She snuggled back against him and placed his hand back on her breast.
Chakotay became bolder, his fingers rolling her nipple and she moaned. His mouth was suddenly against her ear and his tongue snaked out to grab her lobe and give it a soft bite. He tugged at the nipple and she pressed her bottom against him, feeling his erection against her and gasping.
"You like that, Kathryn? Does it feel good? I can make you feel so good, if you'll let me. Will you let me?"
"Please. I've wanted you for so long."
He immediately rolled her onto her back and was over her, kissing her, sweeping his tongue into her mouth before she knew what was happening. Then he was gently exploring her, lowering her swimsuit, touching her, kissing her, tasting her, always watching her to see her reactions and softly murmuring her name as she responded to his touches. Finally, he entered her slowly to keep from hurting her, their hands clasped together as he moved in and out so very carefully, until she began moving with him and they were both keening with the pleasure of it all. She cried afterward, and he kissed the tears away, but she couldn't stop crying and Chakotay became worried.
"Kathryn, what is it? What's wrong? You wanted this, I know you did. What's wrong? Is it Mark?"
"No. I don't know. I'm just so happy. I love you. I thought I would never get to say that to you. I'm afraid I'll never get to say it again. I love you."
"You'll always get to say it from now on. I love you too, you don't even know how much. I've always loved you."
It was what she had wanted to hear for so long, but despair rose up within Kathryn.
"You don't understand. Something will happen. It always does."
"What do you mean?"
She shook her head.
"Nothing, nothing."
She made Chakotay lie down and now it was her turn to explore him.
Over the next few days, they didn't get much work done on their projects. They were too busy enjoying each other. Kathryn went to her garden, determined to weed, but Chakotay simply had to push her down until she was on her hands and knees and then pull her dress up over her hips. He went to work on the boat, but Kathryn couldn't resist stroking all that bare, gleaming flesh and then pulling his pants down so she could use her mouth to make him lose control. They both had to try out the bathtub together and the sonic shower, for good measure. Then there were the alcoves to rearrange and one bed to make. Kathryn went to sleep in Chakotay's arms each night, perfectly contented.
It was truly an idyllic life, something Kathryn hadn't expected when Voyager left them here. She sat at her table one evening, looking through gardening information in the database while Chakotay worked on a sand painting across from her. Every now and then, they would glance at each other and smile.
"Chakotay, isn't it strange that it's still summer? I'm reading about how to winterize a garden and it occurred to me that the summer season is lasting longer than what Voyager's scans predicted."
"Hmm. I guess you're right, now that you mention it. Well, the winters in this part of the continent are supposed to be relatively mild. That's why Tuvok chose this location for us. Maybe it's just a long transition between seasons."
"Maybe. I could put together a small weather satellite and send it into orbit, then we could have accurate weather predictions and warnings about plasma storms."
Although—there hadn't been any storms in quite a while.
"That might be a good idea. You'd have to make sure that it doesn't attract attention from the Vidiians or the Kazon—or the Borg."
"The Borg?"
Kathryn laughed and Chakotay looked up from his painting, a faintly puzzled expression on his face.
"Well, they do originate in the Delta Quadrant. You never know when they might show up." He shook his head and went back to his painting. "It was just a thought."
Kathryn shrugged and resumed reading her padd. Chakotay stood and went to the replicator. He brought a cup of coffee over to Kathryn and gave her a soft kiss before leaning against the table and taking a sip of his tea.
"You know, Kathryn, when we first came here, I made a list of projects I needed to do to prepare us for the winter. I forgot all about that. I think I should start working on them. I meant to build us a fireplace and lay in a supply of wood, just in case."
"All right. Oh, but what about the boat? I've been looking forward to exploring the river."
"It can wait a few days. You haven't been letting me work very much anyway."
He reached out to trace her jawline with a finger.
"I might let you work if you would just keep a shirt on."
She caught his finger in her mouth and nipped it. Chakotay sighed and reached to open her robe.
"I can't get enough of you, Kathryn. You're an addiction."
They stayed in bed after they were finished making love. Chakotay replicated dinner and they ate it in bed, feeding each other bites.
"Tell me about Mark. I want to know everything about you."
"Mark? All right, but then you're going to have to reciprocate."
"Of course. I was planning on it. Go on, tell me. How did you two meet?"
"I've always known him. We grew up in the same neighborhood, but he's four years older than me, so we didn't have much to do with each other. We would just run into each other now and then. We happened to run into each other once when I was a lieutenant and we spent some time together and that was that."
Chakotay gathered up the empty dishes and stacked them onto the tray, then set it aside. He sat up against the headboard and frowned.
"That was that? Somehow, I expected more details."
"Some things are private."
Kathryn grabbed her book from the small bedside table Chakotay had built for her a few months ago and pulled the sheet up to cover her chest.
"I wasn't asking for salacious details. I just want to know a little about you and Mark. You were going to marry him; that's a significant relationship. I know he's important to you, so that makes him important to me."
"Tell me about you and Seska. How did you two meet?"
"If you don't want to tell me about Mark, it's fine." Chakotay tried to make eye contact with Kathryn, but she began idly flipping through her book. "Seska joined my cell not long after I was put in command. She had been living on a Bajoran colony and was part of its defense force. I didn't have any reason to doubt her credentials. The colony officials were disappointed to lose her. She had been a good fighter for them."
Despite herself, Kathryn wanted to know more. She glanced at Chakotay and then quickly back at her book.
"I was a fool to get involved with her, of course. It's a terrible idea to get involved with a subordinate, but I don't have to tell you that. I was just—well, being on Voyager and finally being at peace helped me to understand myself and the things I did after I lost my family. I was enraged and I was hurting. I didn't much care if I lived or died and I used sex to avoid thinking about my feelings. I'm not proud of my behavior, but I slept around a lot and Seska was always there and she made me feel better, made me realize life was worth living again. She made me feel loved, but after awhile I realized our relationship was disrupting my command. She was very quick to use her closeness to me to her advantage, so I ended it, but I still always had a soft spot for her. Now I know she was using me and deceiving me—spying on me, but the truth is I was also using her."
Kathryn kept looking at her book. She traced the lettering on the cover.
"Mark was my second fiance. My first fiance was Justin. We served together on my first mission out of the Academy. I took him home for Christmas to meet my family. Everyone loved him, especially my father, so he took us both with him to test a shuttle he had designed, but it crashed. I was the only survivor. It devastated me. I didn't want to love anyone ever again, it didn't seem worth the risk, but I ran into Mark a few years later and he—it took him a long time, but he finally got me to—I fell in love with him. He woke me up, pulled me out of the hole I was in. He made me realize it was all right to enjoy life again and that I deserved happiness."
Chakotay tentatively put an arm around her and she leaned into him.
"Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it wasn't easy."
He wiped away the few tears trickling down her cheeks.
"I just hope he's all right. I hope he isn't alone and I hope he's making a life for himself."
"I'm sure he is and I'm sure he would be very pleased to know that you're happy. You are, aren't you?"
"I am. You make me happy. Just promise me I'll never lose you. I don't think I can go through that a third time."
"That's the easiest promise I'll ever keep. I'll always be with you, loving you."
Chakotay held her until she felt better. She kissed his chest, murmuring a quick "love you" and climbed out of bed, heading for the sonic shower . It wasn't as relaxing as a bath, but Kathryn closed her eyes anyway and enjoyed the sensation of the sonic waves. The shower cycled off and she opened her eyes, the mirror directly across from her. For a split second, she could have sworn her reflection was wrong. The reflection wasn't naked. She was wearing some sort of Starfleet uniform and her hair was short, barely brushing her shoulders. She stepped toward the mirror. No, the reflection was exactly what it should be, Kathryn naked with her long hair hanging down her back. She stood there for a minute staring at herself before pulling on her robe and putting the odd moment out of her mind.
Chakotay began adding the fireplace to the shelter the next day. Kathryn helped him and then began working on her satellite. The database held many designs, but she wanted to create her own, something that wouldn't be easily detected. There were other functions that could be added to the satellite as well. It would be prudent to have advance warning if a ship entered orbit or if there was some sort of space phenomenon that might affect them. It would also be very nice to use the satellite as a space telescope. This mysterious disease had grounded them, but they could still find ways to be space explorers. Maybe a probe would be better, something they could control and send out to gather information for them. It would need special shields...
She vaguely heard Chakotay enter the shelter, but was much too engrossed in her work to pay him any attention. The smell of coffee finally broke through her intense concentration and she looked around the room, blinking. Chakotay was sitting next to her, holding a coffee mug out to her and grinning at her.
"I've been just sitting here watching you for the past ten minutes. You're amazing, Kathryn. I used to love watching you work like this on Voyager, too, but now I can do this."
He leaned forward and kissed her, gently biting her lower lip and then exploring her mouth with his tongue. Kathryn moaned, her body instantly reacting. Chakotay pulled away, kissing the tip of her nose before he handed her the coffee mug. She took a sip and eagerly turned the computer console to face him.
"I had a wonderful idea! Why settle for a simple little weather satellite when we could have a probe instead? It could explore this system for us and send us back the information it gathers. It could alert us to any ships that enter the system or any dangers or anomalies that might affect us. It could be a space telescope for us. We can't leave New Earth, but it could bring the stars to us. What do you think? I think it's wonderful and I don't know why it didn't occur to me earlier!"
She watched for his reaction intently. Chakotay toggled through her draft designs, studying them carefully, his brow beginning to furrow.
"Kathryn, this is a very sophisticated design. I've never seen anything like it. A multispatial probe?"
"It'll be able to enter a variety of atmospheres, even gas giants."
"Unimatrix shielding? I've never heard of that. What is it?"
"Oh, sure you have. It's just a form of Borg shielding on a smaller scale."
"How do you know so much about Borg shielding? You weren't at Wolf 359. I don't think anyone who was at Wolf 359 and happened to survive would know this much about Borg shielding."
"Seven."
Kathryn frowned and Chakotay stared at her.
"Seven what?"
"I don't know. I have no idea why I said that. Anyway, I think this is going to be amazing. I need to keep working. You can just replicate whatever you feel like eating. Don't worry about me, I'm not hungry."
She turned the console back to herself, picked up her stylus, and resumed work on the shielding. Chakotay watched her, his concern growing as the evening wore on. On Voyager, she had certainly worked too hard, but she had never been so oblivious to her environment or so feverishly obsessive. He could force her to stop, but he thought it might be better to let her finish out this compulsion. His grandfather had often fixated on the strangest things—insisting that his food be placed in circular arrangements before he could eat, counting how many steps it took to get anywhere, repeating the last word said in a conversation. They were obsessive compulsions brought on by his sensory tremens and they had driven Chakotay crazy, but he had learned that it was always easier to just go along with them. So he sat and watched Kathryn to make sure she stayed safe and he waited for her to finish.
"There." She sighed and laid her stylus down, rubbing her eyes. "What time is it anyway? I'm tired and starving."
"I'll get you something. I'm not surprised you're hungry. It's almost midnight and you've been working for hours."
Chakotay placed a dish of pasta in front of her, caressing her cheek tenderly. She sighed and leaned into his touch.
"Thank you, honey. I can't believe I lost track of time like that."
She ate her pasta, rubbing the back of her neck. Chakotay stood and began massaging her neck for her.
"Oh, that's wonderful. Take a look at my design. I want to start tomorrow. Actually, I'd rather start tonight, but I guess I should get some sleep first."
"I've been looking over your shoulder all evening. It's an impressive design, but you're right. Let's get some sleep before we start."
They showered together and then made love. Chakotay held her in his arms as she fell asleep.
"I love you, Kathryn. Don't ever forget that."
In the morning, Kathryn was herself again. She looked at her work in bewilderment.
"There's no way we can build this. We don't have the facilities or the raw materials or the tools. And why would we need all of these functions? This would be an amazing probe if we were still on Voyager, but we don't need all of this. What was I thinking?"
"What I'd like to know is how you came up with this. You're intelligent and a good engineer, but how do you know about Borg shielding? You never knew any of this while we were on Voyager."
"I don't know. I just—it was all there in my mind while I was working, as if I were just remembering something I already knew."
"It looked like you were being driven. I don't know how else to describe it. I've never seen you focus like that."
"Well, I don't know. I can't explain it."
They filed away her design. It was impractical for their circumstances, but who knew, it might come in handy someday. Chakotay insisted that Kathryn needed physical activity, so they went on a hike. They cataloged the wildlife they came across and took plant samples. Twice, Chakotay had to stop so that he could make love to Kathryn. There was something very primal about giving in to their desires in the outdoors and of course, it was very exhilarating to know that they were free to express their love for each other.
The fireplace and chimney were soon finished, but it was still summer and so they went unused. The boat was the next project Chakotay completed and they left for a short overnight trip to test it out. Chakotay had brought along a small tent, but it was so nice and warm that they ended up sleeping outdoors. During the night, Chakotay awoke and sighed in contentment. They were sharing a large sleeping bag and Kathryn's nude body was pressed tightly against him. He kissed the back of her neck and then reached around to toy with a nipple, hoping to wake her. What a perfect night with the moon so full and bright—Chakotay blinked, puzzled. One of New Earth's moons was low in the sky. Neither of the moons was ever as bright as Earth's Luna. Funny how the human brain added the things it expected to see, even when it wasn't possible.
They returned to the shelter with clay Chakotay had found further down the river. He wanted to try his hand at pottery making and headed inside to look up the process in the database. Kathryn worked in her garden, harvesting a basketful of tomatoes while Chakotay worked on his new hobby. What could they do with all of these tomatoes? There were so many. Maybe she could try making her mother's spaghetti sauce. It might turn out well if she followed the recipe closely and didn't let herself get distracted. Mmm, then maybe she could make her mother's lasagna. Garlic bread, too. Chakotay could help her and maybe she wouldn't somehow ruin it all. Kathryn entered the shelter and set her basket down next to the other basket of tomatoes, intent on looking up the recipes. Chakotay had a large sheet of paper spread out on the floor and was busily sketching on it, too immersed to glance up at her. Kathryn stood next to him, interested to see what he was planning for his pottery. His sketches were all of Voyager. She squatted down to look more closely at them.
"What are you doing, Chakotay? This is some kind of armor."
Chakotay looked at her absently, rubbing his chin.
"It's great, isn't it? It'll make Voyager almost completely impervious to anything, even Borg attacks. I don't know why we never thought about it before. Ablative generators are the key! You just send the command and the shield emitters generate this armor over the entire hull."
He went back to his work, muttering under his breath. Kathryn watched him, becoming just as alarmed as Chakotay had been when she was designing her probe. His hand swept over the paper as he drew whatever it was he saw in his mind. There was no way he was capable of coming up with this on his own. She didn't understand the technology he was basing it on, although the armor looked as if it would definitely work. He didn't notice when she scanned him with the medical tricorder, and she closed it in frustration when it didn't show anything wrong with him. He continued working and Kathryn's anxiety grew. She wanted to tear the paper away from him, rip it to shreds, make him see her again, not whatever it was that was compelling him.
He finally laid down his pencil with a sigh of satisfaction, a feeling she remembered from her own experience just a few days ago.
"It's great, huh? I was going to sketch out some pottery designs, but then I just got this idea about this armor. We'll be able to take on the entire Collective with this. They'll hit us, but we won't even notice it." He chuckled. "Maybe you can try stealing another Borg transwarp coil now that we've got this. We could be home in a week!"
Chakotay grinned and rubbed the back of his neck.
"What are you talking about? I don't understand any of this."
The grin faded and Chakotay looked down at the sketches, perplexed.
"I don't know. I just—I want to make you happy. This is what you want." He pointed to the paper on the floor. "You want Voyager safe and home. I'm helping you."
"You always make me happy. Come on, let's eat something."
He obediently sat at the table and ate the sandwich she replicated for him. He kept rubbing the back of his neck, so she took over, massaging it for him while he sighed. She kissed the top of his head, trying to calm herself. There was no one to help them. They were completely alone here, more alone than they had been on Voyager. If this was a new manifestation of their disease, if they were coming out of remission, what could they do?
Chakotay seemed perfectly fine the next day, although just as bewildered by his behavior as she had been. He entered his sketches into the database and sat down to plan his pottery. Kathryn went outside to brood. Something was wrong. Something bad was going to happen. She went to the shuttle and used its sensors to scan the environment. Nothing. She extended the sensors and scanned the planet's orbit. Nothing. She sat at the controls, drumming her fingers on the instrument panel and tried to think.
"Hey, Kathryn, there you are. I've been looking for you everywhere. What are you doing?"
Chakotay sat in the copilot's seat, clearly worried about her.
"I've been running scans to see if there's anything that could be causing this—this whatever it is. These fugue states. There's nothing."
"I don't know what we can do, but the last thing we should do is panic. That won't help anything."
"I should have known it was too good to last. Something always happens. I'm going to lose you, too."
Kathryn stood and turned away from Chakotay. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her.
"No, you're not. I will always be here with you. I love you, I've waited for you for a very long time and I'm never letting you go."
"That's what Justin and Mark both said."
"No, honey, I'll always be here with you. I promise. Don't be scared. I'll always love you. Let me show you how much."
His voice was low and coaxing and he began kissing the side of her neck, gently sucking the skin behind her ear. She melted against him, letting him take control, wanting to empty her mind of her fears and foreboding. Slowly, he undressed her and lowered her to the shuttle's floor, using his hands and mouth to make her cry out in ecstasy before he undressed and entered her. She clutched him to her tightly, never wanting to let him go and he screamed her name as he came. He was crying and he rolled to his side, gathering her to his chest.
"You're not dead. You're all right. I saved you. You weren't breathing, but I saved you."
"What do you mean?"
Kathryn brushed away his tears, trying to stay calm.
"There was a shuttle crash. You died, but I was able to save you."
"No, sweetheart. That never happened."
"It did."
Chakotay stood and walked to the shuttle's instrument panel. Kathryn dressed and gathered up Chakotay's clothing. He put them on absently, staring at the instrument panel.
"I keep seeing the moon. Do you see the moon?"
"No, I don't see anything. Let's go back home, all right? I'll check you with the tricorder again. Maybe it's the disease."
And what would she do, if it was? Her equipment had been destroyed and she had indulged herself with Chakotay ever since, not even once thinking about how she could continue her research. Despair was overwhelming her, but she tried to choke it down. Once, she had let her fears paralyze her and, as a result, her father and Justin had both died. She would remain calm and find a solution to whatever this was that was affecting Chakotay's mind. She would start by doing a more intensive exam with their remaining medical equipment, but Chakotay shook his head when she tried to get him to return to the shelter.
"Kathryn, this isn't real. That's why I keep seeing the moon. This is a dream. I'm remembering things. We left New Earth a long time ago. Think about it, Kathryn. Just think. Do you remember Tuvok calling us on our comm badges and telling us he was coming back for us?"
She meant only to humor him and pretend to think about what he had said, so that he would then come back to the shelter with her, but in the quiet that followed, a memory bubbled up. Tuvok's garbled voice. A sharp sadness.
"Chakotay," she gasped. "I think you're right. What—why—how are we here now?"
"I think we're captives. Who or why, I don't know, but we need to get out of here. We need to wake up. I can think of one way to do it."
"Leave the planet."
Chakotay nodded grimly.
"If we're wrong, well, I guess we'll find out pretty quickly."
Kathryn sat down in the pilot's seat and Chakotay sat next to her. It didn't take long to prepare the shuttle and lay in a course for one of the moons. That would be far enough to feel an effect. Before she could launch the shuttle, Chakotay stopped her.
"Kathryn, no matter what happens, I want you to know that my feelings for you are real, even if New Earth isn't real. Everything I've said to you has been the truth."
"I already know. And you know it's the same for me."
They locked gazes for a moment, drawing strength from each other, but the peace was suddenly shattered. She was being ripped away and suddenly she was sitting up and screaming, her entire body engulfed in pain. Chakotay was next to her, screaming just as loudly. The feel of a hypospray against her neck had never felt so welcome.
She woke at Starfleet Medical to the sound of the Doctor's humming, so familiar a sound she was almost tempted to believe she was back on Voyager. But they had been back home for months now.
"Hello, Admiral. Welcome back to the land of the living. Do you remember what happened?"
The Doctor smiled down at her and Kathryn considered the question. Yes. New Earth. Chakotay. Earth on the viewscreen for the first time in seven years. Turning around from that marvelous vision, tears in her eyes, only to see Chakotay and Seven kissing.
"I guess my first diplomatic mission didn't go very well, did it?"
She had found the Mura to be a fascinating species and had been flattered when they insisted that she and Chakotay be their Federation liaisons. It was her first assignment after her promotion to the Admiralty and it had been going so well, up until the moment the Mura had requested that she and Chakotay meet with them alone to answer their questions about Federation cultures.
"No, it's safe to say it didn't. The Mura have heard all of the rumors spreading around the quadrant about the technology we brought back with us from the Delta Quadrant. Their interest in Federation membership was all a ruse so they could go poking around in your heads. They managed to get quite a bit from you both in only two hours. Luckily, Admiral Hayes became suspicious and barged into the conference room."
"Two hours? That's all? But it was months..."
"Two hours. They have very strong telepathic abilities they had kept hidden from us. They really did a number on the both of you. Your engrams were so intertwined I thought I wouldn't be able to ever separate you or wake you. But I did. I'm going to write a paper on it and present it to my peers. I can hardly wait! My first Alpha Quadrant medical conference. At last, I can be appreciated for the medical genius that I am."
"What are you talking about, Doctor? What did they do?"
The Doctor frowned, clearly disappointed that Kathryn hadn't praised his medical skills.
"They intertwined your consciousnesses. I suppose it made it easier for them to distract your conscious minds so that they could then root around and find what they wanted."
"So Chakotay was really there with me? Wait, where is he now? Is he all right?"
"He's fine. He's in the room next door. Admiral Hayes wants to debrief you both and then I'll discharge you. You can take the rest of the day off and come back on duty tomorrow."
Kathryn freshened up in the bathroom. Her face was pale and her uniform was slightly rumpled, but there were no other outward indications of the ordeal she had just been through. Chakotay was waiting in the hallway when she emerged and her heart lurched. He was also pale and she wanted to hug him and press her face into his neck. She had successfully suppressed her feelings for him for years, but it was killing her now.
"Are you all right, Ka—Admiral?"
"Yes, and you?"
"I'm okay."
He stared at her, his eyes burning into hers. She looked away quickly and led the way to the office Admiral Hayes had commandeered. He was kind, reassuring Kathryn that the fiasco wasn't her fault and there was no way she could have known about the Mura's true intentions. Still, she couldn't help but be disappointed with herself. She had wanted this assignment to be successful and it had seemed so simple, exactly the type of thing she had done so often in the Delta Quadrant. Maybe she had let herself become complacent since she knew they were on Earth and perfectly safe. Admiral Hayes clasped her shoulder on his way out of the room and Kathryn remained seated for a moment, staring at her hands.
"Kathryn, there's no way you could have guessed the Mura's motives. They're just self-interested bastards. We've dealt with that type often enough on Voyager."
"I guess. I just wanted it to go well. I wanted to prove myself. Oh well, maybe the next assignment will turn out better."
"We should talk, don't you think? We—you were there with me, weren't you? New Earth? We were together, we lov-"
"Yes, but there's nothing to talk about it. It wasn't real."
"It was real to me."
Kathryn's hands began to shake. She held them tightly in her lap, watching her fingers turn white. It had hurt her deeply to learn that Chakotay and Seven were dating. The relationship had ended quickly, but Chakotay had been easily finding new companionship for himself ever since. Every time she turned around, there he was with another very young and very beautiful woman hanging on his arm.
"Chakotay, what happened today was an unusual experience. It was very overwhelming and draining and emotional. It's better not to dwell on it too much. After all, we don't know how the Mura influenced any of it. I suppose I'll see you around. Take care of yourself."
She stretched the corners of her mouth up in what she hoped was a reasonable facsimile of a smile and hurried out, ignoring his attempts to get her to stay and continued on her way, holding herself in tightly until she reached her apartment. It was a very nice apartment. Glamorous, even. Her sister, Phoebe, had helped her choose it. Still, nice as it was, it was lonely. There was no one to tell about what had happened today or how she felt about it. It had been different on New Earth. Chakotay had always been there, someone who loved her just as much as she loved him. But it hadn't been real.
She hadn't thought being back on Earth would be this difficult. She was having trouble making new friends and deepening her existing friendships and she knew it was her fault. On Voyager, it had been necessary to always maintain a certain aloofness from everyone, even Chakotay and Tuvok. She was in command of all of them and they had to see her as strong and in control. She might have occasionally let her hair down and joined in joking or holodeck activities, but she could never truly relax or just be herself. Now, she was free to have close relationships again, but it was hard for her to even remember who she was without her role as Voyager's captain to define her.
She had considered talking to Chakotay about this loss of self and inability to connect with others because she thought he might be feeling the same way, but he hadn't seemed to want to talk to her. His various girlfriends kept him busy and so did his Starfleet assignments. She had asked him for coffee a few times, but he had turned her down each time and she had taken the hint and stopped the invitations. The assignment to work with the Mura had raised Kathryn's hopes. They might be able to salvage their friendship as they worked together, but Chakotay had remained aloof. She had always known there was a chance he would move on to a different woman—or women, as it turned out—but she had never thought she would lose his friendship.
They hadn't really been on New Earth, but the contrast between that dream life with Chakotay and her reality was jarring. She hadn't ever imagined having such a dull and empty life after getting Voyager home. Actually, she hadn't ever planned what she would do once Voyager was home. Getting home had her been her only goal. Well, home and a vague notion of something more with Chakotay. What would Admiral Janeway think of her? Her future counterpart had wanted to give everyone better lives. What would she think of her younger version sitting alone in a too-big apartment night after night, only occasionally going out with her mother or sister? It was a waste of a life. What she had shared with Chakotay today, courtesy of the Mura, had been more meaningful than anything she had done in the past four months on Earth.
Kathryn stomped into her bathroom, feeling suddenly disgruntled. Her bathtub was fabulous, huge and with jets. She started the water and poured in liberal amounts of bubble bath, but she found herself comparing the bathtub to the wooden one Chakotay had built her. This was one was much nicer and bigger and indoors, but Chakotay had built the other one for her. No one had ever done anything like that for her, not even Mark or Justin. Her lower lip quivered and Kathryn scowled fiercely. She hadn't brought her ship home from the Delta Quadrant just so she could sit at home and cry over a bathtub. She stripped and climbed into the tub, sinking down into the bubbles.
She had hoped the bath would relax her, but instead it brought memories of Chakotay slipping in behind her in the tub on New Earth. Kathryn climbed out and dried off. It was still day, but she pulled pajamas on anyway. A nap might help. The door bell startled her. No one except her family ever came to see her and they always let her know they were coming. But really, she knew who it was. Kathryn steeled herself and opened the door. Chakotay was still pale, but he smiled at her.
"Kathryn, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just need to talk to you about what happened today. Would you please let me in and let us talk?"
Kathryn hesitated for a moment, but she finally stepped aside and let Chakotay in. His eyes widened as he took in her apartment.
"Wow. This is a very nice apartment."
"Thank you. My sister helped me pick it out. Go ahead and have a seat."
She slumped into her favorite chair. Chakotay sat on the couch and looked at her chair.
"Is that the chair from your quarters on Voyager?"
"Yes. This chair and I have been through many sleepless nights. I couldn't leave it behind. Well, what did you want to talk about?"
Chakotay sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.
"I was just wondering. What we experienced today—do you think that's what it would have been like if we had stayed on New Earth?"
"You want me to speculate about something that never happened?" Kathryn shrugged, looking down at her hands. "Yes, I think so. I suppose we also would have found out what the winters were really like, though."
Chakotay nodded.
"I just always wondered what would have happened. It's nice to know, don't you think? I have a confession to make. I've been thinking about New Earth a lot, ever since we left Voyager."
Kathryn raised her head to glance at Chakotay. He was watching her steadily.
"You have? Why?"
"It was the only place where I can remember truly feeling at peace. I know it wasn't ideal. I never stopped thinking about our crew and how they were and I worried about something happening to one of us. It would have been terrible for the person left behind. But I was happy there with you. I felt complete in a way I've never been able to replicate."
"I was happy, too. You made me happy."
Chakotay smiled.
"I tried. Kathryn, I need to know. Do you love me? Was there any truth to the things you said to me on New Earth today? Because everything I said was the truth. I love you and I'll always be with you, if you want me."
Kathryn sighed.
"What about all of your different girlfriends? I think you have a new one every week."
"You're exaggerating. Maybe once a month. I've been miserable and doing anything I could to stop loving you. I thought you didn't feel that way about me and that you were bound to find someone new now that you were free of Voyager. But I think you do love me. Do you?"
She had to look away from the intensity of his expression.
"Yes. For years and years. But I don't know what difference it makes. You'd be better off finding someone else. I can't—I've forgotten what it's like to be just Kathryn. I don't know how to get close to someone, how to stop being the captain. It's easier to stay here in my apartment, alone..."
To her horror, Kathryn was crying. Chakotay stood and pulled her out of her chair. He hugged her close and then sat down, cradling her in his lap while she regained her composure.
"It's been hard for me too. I'm alive when so many of the Maquis aren't. I'm a Starfleet officer again, but I'm still not trusted and have to prove myself all over again. I miss Voyager so much. It was my first real home. Kathryn, we should help each other get through this together. We were a pretty good team on New Earth, weren't we?"
"But this won't be New Earth. We only had ourselves to worry about there. This is real life."
"And it's messy. Well, we were a good team on Voyager too. Neither one of us has the answers, but maybe together, we can help each other become stronger. I'm not proposing marriage just yet, but can't we take it day by day and love each other and help each other find our place here on Earth?"
"I'm so tired of being alone, Chakotay. I'm so tired of telling myself it's wrong to have feelings for you."
"Good. Are you with me, then? The two of us putting ourselves back together? Loving each other?"
Kathryn looked up at Chakotay's dear familiar face. He smiled at her widely and a dimple appeared.
"Always."
And suddenly, as they intertwined their fingers and embraced, Kathryn felt hope for the first time in quite a while.
The End