I've hit the dread Writer's block again, and I needed to do some first person angst. So I decided to remaster Say, with a new song.

All that I'm Living for is owned by Evanescene, and the characters belong to... I dunno who. but not me

~Flame

All That I'm Living For.
All That I'm Dying For.

You never know how precious life is until you see the life leave a person's eyes. You never know how important someone is to you until they're gone forever. You just never know. I do know. I know how it feels to lose someone close. I know how it feels to see someone you care about suffering, and you're unable to help them, to ease their pain. I know, because I lost someone I can never replace.

It was just an average day, slightly rainy and dismal. I was home, bored out of my mind. I was home alone, trying to decide on something to do that day. I debated about calling one of my friends, not any of my school friends, but my real friends. They were the friends who would take a bullet for me, and I for them.

I had one of those five friends of mine in mind. Kouji. He, I could say without doubt, was my best friend, and always would be. I don't think there was anyone in the world like him. He was smart, calm, pretty quiet, and reliable. He was always my first choice when we went into battle back in the digital world. I could always trust him with a secret, count on him to be there, or help me when I struggled in school.

He was also the one I loved.

I was always attracted to him, but I always thought I was because we were both Light based warriors. Later, I thought it was our natural balancing of each other. I was loud, he was quiet. I was stubborn, and hotheaded, he was cool and collected. I am forgetful, he wasn't. I never thought things through, and Kouji usually had a plan. Opposites attract, right?

I never told him how I felt about him. I hid my feelings, masked them with near perfection. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him with all my heart. Fear prevented me from doing so. Losing him would break me in half. I would rather suppress my love and have him remain my friend, than lose him if he rejected my love. It hurt to love him.

I picked up the phone, my hand shaking with anticipation. I dialed his cell phone number quickly; I knew it better than my own home phone number. It rang, and rang. It went to Kouji's voicemail after a few moments of the suspenseful ringing.

He understood me like no one else could. He knew my thoughts and feelings, the ones that weren't kept under lock and key. Should I love him like I do? Is it fair to both of us? I torture myself with my bottled up emotions. I keep things from the one I love; only because it would hurt him more for him to know the truth. I gripped the phone tightly in my hand in frustration. Why couldn't it just be accepted for a guy to love another guy? I gritted my teeth angrily. He was all I was living for.

The phone whirred to life, ringing with an incoming call, also scaring me half to death. I dropped it when I jumped with surprise. I scooped it back up, ready to verbally attack the person on the other end for trying to give me a damn heart attack.

"Hello?" I asked gruffly, thoroughly annoyed with the caller.

The voice on the other end laughed a bit, "My, someone's touchy today. What's bugging you Takuya?"

All my prior anger melted away… Kouji. "It's nothing, the phone rang and I was caught off guard."

Another laugh, "Nice. You called?"

Shoot, I did call. "Yeah, I was looking for something to do, and decided to call you." I explained a little too fast. I could feel my heart still racing from being startled by the phone.

"Ah. I'm not busy. What did you have in mind?"

I laughed nervously, "I didn't have anything specific in mind…"

Kouji sighed, "Typical… do want to come over? It's just my dad and I here."

I hesitated, Kouji's dad… I didn't like him. It felt like his eyes were looking right through my façade. I was sure he knew about my affections towards his son. "Uh… Sure! I'll be over in a few minutes."

I could almost hear Kouji grinning. "Okay. See you in a bit."

"See you." I hung the phone up, my heart practically leaping for joy.

I quickly grabbed my hat and slipped on my sneakers. I made sure I picked up my keys, and locked the front door after I pinned a note to my mother as to my whereabouts. Just in case she came home before me. I set off with a slight spring in my step as I walked down the street. It was several blocks from my house to Kouji's. It took maybe ten minutes to get from point A to point B. I had trouble keeping my mind alert to my surroundings.

I rounded the corner onto Kouji's street. I was almost at Kouji's front walk, when Mr. Minamoto quickly left the house and got into his small black car. He sped out of the driveway like an ambulance racing to a homicide. I don't think he even saw me, which counted as good in my opinion.

I walked up the walkway, and noticed that the door was open. Why didn't Kouji's father close the door? I shrugged; maybe he did see me after all. I debunked that theory once I stepped into the house. The atmosphere, something was off. The air, it was bad. I couldn't place it, but it was a feeling I would have right before an evil Digimon would attack back in the digital world.

"Kouji?" I called out into the seemingly empty house. No response. I didn't like this feeling at all. The impending dread was suffocating me.

"Kouji!" I called out again, this time with more fear lacing my voice. Again, no answer to my call. I shivered with fright. Something was seriously wrong. I walked through the living room, no one. I peered into the kitchen. Still no one. I heard a soft moan come from upstairs.

Kouji… I raced up the stairs, stopping at Kouji's bedroom door. The handle was cover in something warm, wet and sticky. Blood. I felt my own blood run cold as I heard another soft moan. My lip quivered as I gripped the handle and slowly pushed the door hoping that I would wake from this nightmare.

I felt the color drain from my face as I beheld the room. Blood was splattered on the white walls, tainting the purity the room once held. The desk chair was tipped over. Broken picture frames lay on the floor. One picture was ripped in half. Then I saw him.

Kouji. My Kouji. His shirt was soaked with his own blood. He was shaking, gripping a picture tightly in his fist. He was so pale from the blood lose. Stab wounds in his chest were bleeding, killing him.

"Oh gods… Kouji what happened to you?!" I thought my heart stopped. Wake up. Why wouldn't I wake up?

He opened his deep blue eyes. "Takuya…" he rasped. His eyes widened as he coughed, spewing more blood. I watched, frozen as it trickled down his chin, and mix with the blood on his chest.

I flipped my phone open without hesitation, dialing 911. "Please, send help my friend- he- he was stabbed. He's bleeding really badly. 69 Tenshi . Please, Please hurry."

I knelt beside Kouji, taking his hand, which was coated in blood. "Kouji hold on. Help is coming, Please stay with me." I begged, tears flowing down my face.

Kouji gazed up at me, his eyes full of sadness. "I- I don't think I can," he near whispered, "It hurts Taku…"

"Don't say that. You're going to be okay. You have to be okay…" I pleaded with him. He had to stay strong, He had to… He just had to.

"Takuya…" I locked eyes with him. He was slipping.

"No… No Kouji, Don't you dare… You need to stay with me. You can do it. Please, Kouji."

Kouji coughed again. I wrapped my arms around him, as tears fell down both of our faces. "I'm sorry…"

"Sorry? It's not your fault…"

Kouji shook his head weakly, "It is. Takuya… my dad… I told him something… he didn't want to hear…"

I watched Kouji carefully, holding him close to me chest. "What Kouji?"

"Takuya… I can't hold on much longer… I- I love you."

My eyes widened. "Kouji…"

He coughed violently. "You hate me don't ya?" he rasped weakly.

I shook my head, "I could never hate you Kouji. I love you too. Always have."

Kouji smiled softly, "I'll wait for you, Okay?"

"No…" I realized what he meant. "Kouji don't," I could hear sirens, "Kouji please."

He exhaled deeply. His eyelids fluttered. "Goodbye, Takuya," He whispered.

His body became limp. He wasn't hurting anymore. He was in a safer place, a much better place, I hoped. I cried like I never had before. Kouji, my other half, was gone. I couldn't save him.

I'd guess I thought… I'd have to change the world. Turns out, I just had love you.