Old Friends
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Sam pulled up in front of the familiar building still asking himself why he'd thought this was a good idea.
The house looked no different than it did on his last visit years before, when he and Dean had naively believed they were immersed in shit up to their necks, never imagining how much more crap was waiting for them in the future.
x
Sam didn't consider himself impulsive; he was a guy who thought things through and examined them from all possible angles before deciding on a course of action, therefore sneaking out, renting a car and leaving Dean a note that he had an errand to run and he'd explain later, was surprising even to himself, yet he'd felt the unequivocal urge to come here.
x
Well now that he'd arrived, there was no point in putting off the inevitable. He snagged his lap-top, slammed the car-door and made his way up the path to the front door.
Truth was, he huffed ironically, finger on the door-bell; it wasn't as if there were many people left who knew about him and his freaked up history.
In the Winchesters' fight of good against evil, the evil had overcome the good at least as far as their relatives and friends were concerned. Dad, Bobby, Pastor Jim, Caleb, Ellen, Jo, Ash, his Campbell cousins were all dead, even innocent Sarah, killed just because she had known the Winchesters. The list was endless and his heart mourned them all.
Ironically, what was left were the bad guys; Crowley, Abaddon, and their demonic friends. Add to the mix the Evil pretending to cloak itself in Good which went under the name of the Angelic Host; angels who coldly assassinated anyone that obstructed their 'holy' war.
Sam was seriously wondering if he shouldn't begin cheering for the bad guys!
x
In this God-less world where even the Big Man himself had checked out, things were going from bad to worse. Heaven had been closed by Metatron helped along by Castiel's eternal naivety, leaving the souls who were destined to go there, wandering aimlessly in the veil.
Sam sighed. If he had been stronger and hadn't given in to Dean's plea to live and not make the final sacrifice to close the gates of Hell, things might have worked out differently.
Sam couldn't really blame God for taking himself out of the equation; maybe He was as fed up as Sam was with the mess his creations had made of this reality.
x
He pressed the buzzer and waited.
It wasn't long before he saw the shadow approach through the coloured glass of the door, open it and greet him with an understanding expression in her wise all-seeing eyes.
"Sam, honey. Come right in, I've got some freshly baked chocolate chip cookies waiting for you. I know you're partial to them."
x
Although Sam had only met her that on that one occasion when they were investigating a ghost that had infested their old family home here in Lawrence, Sam felt the traitorous moisture pool in his eyes. He was convinced she knew all that had happened to him and somehow that was soothing to his soul.
He had been without anyone to talk to, to confide in, for so long; well except Dean, but that was another story.
x
He dipped his head to hide his eyes and give himself a moment to regain control.
"Missouri, it's good to see you again," he smiled.
Missouri pulled his lanky frame into a motherly hug, tut-tutting at the pain she knew the young man carried in his heart
"Glory be boy, let me take a good look at you. I didn't think it possible but I swear you've grown even taller," she grumbled to defuse the emotional moment.
Her gaze flickered past him. "Dean's not with you, I see. He' s okay?"
"Yeah, Dean's ..fine," Sam answered casually.
She nodded.
x
"Come on through then. If you're here, there's a reason, I'm guessin'."
Sam followed her into the kitchen, not really having an answer to give
After she had plied him with a steaming cup of coffee and a plate heaped with cookies, she sat down opposite her guest at the table and waited.
x
She watched as he fidgeted with the cookie he held in his hand.
"You gonna eat that cookie or are you gonna kill it?" she scolded gently, receiving a watery smile in return.
Sam let the long-suffering cookie fall onto the plate.
"So much has happened, Missouri, I just don't know where to start," he began.
"Start with what's most important to you, nearest to your heart," Missouri encouraged, knowing before he spoke what words would come out of his mouth, for there was only one thing that was.
Sam nodded. "Dean and I, things aren't good between us. It's as if we're talking to each other but we don't understand what the other is saying; when we do talk that is," he added tiredly.
x
Missouri cut right to the heart, no point in beating about the bush. With these two brothers raised as they had been, it was always going to be about the 'other'.
"Is Dean the most important thing in your life Sam? That's what you gotta ask yourself. Because that's really what the issue here is, isn't it? I know you've suffered horribly, honey, tortures no human should ever have to go through yet here you are, despite everything.
You should be proud of yourself, Sam, not putting yourself down as I can see in your mind you do."
x
Sam lifted his head in denial. "I'm not better than anyone else, Missouri. My life has exactly the same value as any man in the street."
"Is that true for your brother too?" she asked softly. "Is there anyone else on the face of this green earth or beyond it who's as important to Dean as you are?"
x
A flush came to Sam's cheeks as he considered Missouri's question. "No," he sighed. "I don't think there is, but then I think that's where the problem lies."
"Huh, Sam. You think that Dean loving you above all else is a problem? How so? Don't you love your brother?"
Sam's head came up with a jerk. "How can you even think that? I would die for Dean in a minute."
x
"You didn't answer my question, boy. Do you love your brother?"
Sam's limpid eyes met her own and she swore she could see though the moss-green hues into his very soul.
"If you don't consider that dying for someone demonstrates love then I'll just say it. There's no-one I love more than my brother, no-one, but as I said before maybe that's where all our problems lie. We care too much; we can't let go...Dean can't let go."
Missouri' s heart ached for the youngest Winchester. He was hurting so bad.
"And not letting go is a bad thing Sam?"
"It is when one sells one's soul for the other, or if to keep that person from dying you resort to any means, even the most outlandish.
Bobby told us when your time comes you should just go, but Dean and I have died over and over and we're still alive. How can that be right? Other people get one chance, why do we get to cheat death like this?" Sam grimaced.
x
"Well, Sam, maybe you and Dean's lives are more special than the ordinary man in the street, even if you don't want to accept it. It's not everyone who can cheat death yet you boys have."
Sam shuffled about on the chair before continuing.
"A few months ago I was on the brink of death. Dean told me there was no hope. I'd even met my reaper and I was ready to accept my fate, ready to die for good this time... but..."
"But your brother wasn't ready to let you go," Missouri intervened.
"No, he wasn't. He called on the angels for help and... well... I ended up letting one enter me, though I'm still hazy on how it actually went down, and use me as a vessel.
Dean kept it secret; I hadn't realised I was possessed but eventually I managed to eject the angel from my body. After that things went downhill between me and Dean."
x
"You were angry he hadn't let you die?"
"Yeah..no..." Sam passed a hand over his face. "I don't know any more, Missouri. I'm confused, I was dead. Dean shouldn't have brought me back."
"Seeing as you're sitting here, I presume the angel cured you," Missouri surmised.
Yeah, I suppose it did, my body anyway," Sam confirmed.
"So what's the problem then, Sam? I'll admit the use of an angel as a suppository was cutting edge, but in the end you're alive and in my book alive beats dead any day of the week"
x
Sam pushed back the chair and began to pace the homely kitchen.
"You know Missouri for two brothers who have shared practically everything since we were born, for all the crap we've experienced, sometimes it seems we take pleasure in wounding each other as painfully as possible."
Missouri nodded in understanding.
"Sam, the old saying that 'we always hurt the ones we love' never goes out of fashion, and it fits you and Dean perfectly.
I'd never witnessed a bond as strong as what you boys shared and that was back then. If Dean was standing beside you now, I swear you two would be crackling psychic energy all around this room.
You and Dean have something real special and that can bring as much pain as it does joy. It's all about weights and counterweights, honey."
She smiled impishly, the expression strange on her usually serious face.
"You think too much Sam. Some people would kill for what you and Dean have. Why don't you just enjoy your brother and the good you share, and push the bad to the side. Whatever you throw at each other, however hurtful the words, you and Dean are still together. That has to count for something.
Then you're a big boy, honey. I'm sure you could carve out a life for yourself without Dean by your side, so why haven't you? You could leave hunting; there's nothing you couldn't succeed at if you put your mind to it.
You could go anywhere, do anything, so why are you still with Dean? That's what you should be asking yourself."
x
"That's where I'm confused, Missouri," he huffed.
"I've tried 'normal' before yet I always end up going back to Dean. It's as if there's an unbreakable elastic band connecting us, the further we pull away from each other the more powerful the snap of the elastic as it draws us back together," Sam explained.
Maybe because there is," she answered confidently.
"You boys are meant to be together; that's where you're at your best, and ….at times... your worst. That's why you keep coming back to Dean as he keeps returning to you."
x
Sam sat back down at the table, stretched out a plate-sized hand and engulfed Missouri's tiny one in his own.
"Thanks for listening, Missouri. Maybe that's all I was needing, someone to talk to, someone who could understand about me and Dean, about this... bond... we have.
It's not easy at times. Everyone we've loved has been killed or cut out of our lives. All that's left are me and Dean."
X
"Dean loves you Sam, he'd do anything for you. There are very few people in this world who are privileged to be the object of such unwavering devotion."
"Yeah, Missouri and it works both ways, believe me."
"I know it does, Sam. Psychic, remember!" She patted his hand, glad to have been able to help the young man.
X
She suddenly rose from the table and shuffled over to the coffee maker, leaving Sam to look after her perplexed.
"Better get some fresh coffee on the make before that brother of yours knocks on the door," she grumbled, minutes before the unmistakable roar of the Impala drew up outside the house.
"Your brother's out looking for you, Sam. He must have been worried. Maybe now's the time to talk to that boy and open your heart just as you did with me. Coffee's on the make. I'll send him right in," she said catching Sam's gaze.
She saw the acknowledgement in his eyes and drew a sigh of relief. They would be okay, at least until the next time.
x
Sam heard Missouri greet Dean in her own unique way and he got up to pour his big brother a hot cup of coffee.
The Winchesters were masters in avoiding any discussion about their feelings but Sam reckoned it was time to clear the air.
He reflected on Missouri's words."Enjoy your brother and the bond you have'.
Maybe that was the only important thing after all.
x
"Sammy. You okay?" Dean asked pushing though the kitchen door, eyes going to his brother
Sam smiled at him, his dimples in full flower as they hadn't been for a long while.
"Sit down Dean. We've gotta talk."
Dean rolled his eyes but he obeyed and took a seat at the table.
He could sense the most gigantic of all chick-flick moments brewing, and for once he couldn't wait!
X
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