Yeah, this is kind of a weird little thing that I did when I was sick one day and I just found it again and decided to post it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha.
Warnings: Um…okay, some characters are made fun of and remember it's all in good fun. Don't hurt me!
Little Wind Riding Kagura (Or, Jade's bored with a cold.)
Once upon a time there was a wind youkai by the name of Kagura. Kagura had the unfortunate luck to be born from another youkai named Naraku and had to live with him and her very creepy (but strangely cool) sister Kanna.
One day, Kagura
was called into the kitchen by Naraku who was hard at work packing a picnic
basket.
"Kagura, I
need you to deliver this basket." Naraku ordered her.
"To
who?" Kagura was irritated by the fact that her duties were now that of a
messenger girl's.
"The
Inuyasha-tachi." Naraku closed the lid of the basket.
"Wait,
aren't we trying to kill them?" Kagura raised her eyebrows.
"It would
be rude not to offer them lunch." Naraku look scandalized. Kagura tried to
argue that killing them in itself was rude but gave in after some quite literal
heart wrenching persuasions on Naraku's part.
So Kagura took
the basket on foot as she had no wish to be shot out of the sky by Kagome's
arrows. Along the way, she passed a zombie miko.
(Kikyo protests to being called a 'zombie miko'
and says she would very much prefer to be called a 'living dead miko.')
"Where are you
going?" Kikyo asked coldly, not that
corpses are ever really that warm.
(Kikyo also protests being referred to as a
corpse.)
"Naraku
wants me to deliver this picnic to the Inuyasha-tachi." Kagura explained.
"Um..."
Kikyo looked confused. This was a rare occurrence for the cadaver.
(Kikyo protests to the distasteful references to
her state of health and also would like to tell all those who are snickering
and muttering, "What health?" she knows who you are.)
"Why is
Naraku handing out picnic baskets?" Kikyo questioned.
"Don't ask
me." Kagura shrugged. "Perhaps he's trying to tug on some of the
reader's heartstrings." She missed Kikyo coughing something that sounded
suspiciously like 'literally.'
"Well, I
don't want to know." Kikyo waved a hand then pointed to the woods Kagura
was about to walk into. "Oh yeah, Kouga's hiding behind a tree and he's
trying to scare people."
"'Kay."
Kagura heeded this and walked on.
Sure enough,
Kouga jumped out from behind a tree.
"BOO!"
Kouga yelled. Kagura sighed, she needed an aspirin.
"Eek."
Kagura deadpanned.
"I'm a
scary wolf youkai!" Kouga continued because he didn't realize who he had
just jumped out at.
"What the
hell is your problem? Is it National Lame Wolf Youkai Day again?" Kagura
questioned.
"No!"
Kouga saw it was Kagura and felt stupid because he thought it was Shippo.
"I'm not lame."
"No, it
couldn't possibly by that day because I don't see Ayame around anywhere."
Kagura agreed.
(Ayame tired to
protest this but when presented with the evidence (the lame outfit, the even
lamer powers, the eyebrows that looked like two slugs died on her forehead,
etc.) she was forced to admit that she was indeed a total and utter reject.)
"What are you doing with that basket?" Kouga asked
suspiciously.
"Naraku
wants me to take this picnic lunch to the Inuyasha-tachi." Kagura
explained for the second time that day.
"Um...why
is Naraku making us lunch?" Kouga scratched his head.
"Wait, you
aren't even in the
Inuyasha-tachi!" Kagura spoke accusingly.
"We
re-named it the Kouga-tachi." Kouga explained.
"Uh
huh." Kagura agreed skeptically. "Where are they?"
"Oh,
they're on the other side of these woods." Kouga pointed. Kagura wandered
away wondering if she was the only normal youkai left.
(Sesshomaru protests that there's nothing normal
about being a detachment from Naraku.)
(Kagura
protests that Sesshomaru's comment doesn't mean a lot coming from a guy who can
switch out one of his arms better then Mr. Potato-Head.)
(Sesshomaru protests that he looks nothing like
Mr. Potato-Head and that he thinks Kagura is just mad because she's obviously
gaining weight.)
(Kagura
protests that Sesshomaru is just mad because he wishes he could look as good as
she does in her kimono.)
(Sesshomaru
protests that Rumiko wouldn't give him a pretty kimono like he requested and
thinks it's rather hypocritical of Rumiko to tell him he couldn't dress like a
woman and then turn around and create Jakotsu.)
Kouga went in a
different direction because he knew where the Inuyasha-tachi really was. When
he got there, it was the typical scene for the group.
"I'm going
to kill you!" Inuyasha threatened Shippo who tried to make off with his
instant ramen.
"Kagome!"
Shippo wailed.
"Osware!"
Kagome yelled.
"Sango,
your eyes are beautiful." Miroku told the starry burgundy eyed woman. That
was before she noticed where his hand was.
After a
resounding smack, Kouga cleared his throat and the group of heroes looked up.
(Inuyasha protests that he is not a 'fucking
goody-good hero' but instead 'the biggest badass of all time.')
(Kikyo protests that she's a hero for enduring
so many remarks about her physical state and also for not stabbing Kagome.)
(Kagome would protest to Kikyo's comment if she
could figure out what 'protest' meant.)
(Kouga protests that
he's the hero and therefore should end up with Kagome.)
(Kikyo protests
there are enough delusional idiotic heroes as it is.)
(Sesshomaru protests that he would look much better in Kagome's outfit then Kagome and he's the hero of the series as no one is
more beautiful.)
(Kagura protests that Sesshomaru has a wrinkle.)
"Hey
Kouga, what's up?" Kagome smiled brightly at him. Inuyasha growled.
"Kagura is
trying to find you guys because Naraku made you a picnic lunch and she has to
deliver it." Kouga told them.
"What the
hell?" Inuyasha was instantly confused. "Picnic?"
"Maybe
it's poisoned." Sango suggested.
"We should
head her off." Miroku strategized.
"I'll stay
here and pretend to be one of you guys." Kouga instantly schemed.
"Alright,
which one?" Kagome and the others looked at each other.
This discussion
was rather long as first Miroku volunteered to go naked for the 'noble cause'
but Sango ruled that right out. Then Inuyasha suggested that Kouga should wear
Kagome's outfit as he was so used to wearing a skirt. Kagome thought the
discussion was over and started to take off her shirt until Inuyasha noticed
and immediately tugged her shirt down but forgot his hanyou strength and ended
up ripping off her shirt. After sitting Inuyasha about fifty times, Kagome put
on a new outfit somewhere behind some trees with Sango on guard. This was until
Miroku made a comment about Kagome's rack and ended up getting the stuffing
beat out of him by Inuyasha, Kouga, and Sango.
(Sango protests that she was not beating him up because she was
jealous but because she was standing up for a fellow female.)
It was finally
agreed that Inuyasha should give up his clothes because he had his under shirt
and pants still. Kouga put on the fire rat's pants and jacket, talking about
how lame the outfit was. Inuyasha pointed out that Kouga wore a skirt.
(Kouga protests that it also smelled as though
it hadn't been washed since Inuyasha killed
the fire rat.)
(Inuyasha
protests that Kouga wears a skirt and it doesn't smell of anything but his
masculinity.)
(Kouga protests
that Inuyasha's masculinity smells like he's harboring dead animals in his
clothes.)
(Inuyasha
protests that he's saving those for later when he needs a snack.)
And so, Kouga
waited as the others went their merry way from Kagura. She came a few minutes
later. She had gotten sick of walking and was riding a feather. She flew down
when she spotted red. When Kagura realized who was in the red outfit, she hit
her forehead. Did the enemy think she was an idiot?
(Sesshomaru protests that he only thinks she's a
stupid, ugly, smug kimono wearing hag.)
(Kikyo protests that her enemies think she's a
boyfriend-stealing snipe which of course is untrue because in all
technicalities...)
"I'm
Inuyasha. I'm an idiot who tries to steal Kouga's woman." Disguised Kouga
told her.
"My, what
blue eyes you have." Kagura observed.
"Uh, the
better to look more like Kouga with." Kouga tried to explain his eye
color.
"My, what
dark hair you have." Kagura was mildly amused by this.
"The
better to...er, blend in around humans!" Kouga looked triumphant.
"My,
what a kawaii wolf tail you have." Kagura faintly raised an eyebrow.
"Well,
it is pretty cute." Kouga
agreed. "Wait, you think my tail is cute?"
"Er,
no." Kagura blushed. "Now listen
Kouga-"
"Inuyasha."
Kouga butted in.
"Okay Inuyasha," Kagura rolled her eyes.
"Take this damn basket."
"I will,
'cause I'm Inuyasha." Kouga took the basket from her.
"Kouga,
you're an idiot." Kagura informed him.
"An idiot
with a picnic basket." Kouga looked triumphant.
"That's
it, I'm going home." Kagura pulled out a feather.
"Kagura,
do you really think my tail isn't cute?" Kouga asked with big pleading
eyes.
"Oh fine,
it's cute." Kagura gave in.
"Do you
wanna have a picnic with me?" Kouga offered.
"I
suppose." Kagura sat down and they ate the perfectly normal lunch which
had no bad consequences.
Well, there was
one.
"I'm
hungry." Inuyasha whined.
So they all
lived-
(Sesshomaru protests that he had absolutely no
part in this fic.)
Sesshomaru and Rin played in a flower field.
(Sesshomaru protests that he
wanted more but this fic was below him anyway.)
(Kagura
protests that Sesshomaru is a fat, wrinkly baby.)
(Kikyo protests
that this fight needs to end or else.)
So they all
lived happily ever after.
(Kikyo protests that it was very insensitive of
the author to write that line.)
Okay, so some
of them lived and some of them didn't happily ever after, the end.
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Um, review and stuff! STUFF! (Um, I've lost it.)