Title: Rules Revision
Author: Knife Hand
Feedback: Constructive feedback appreciated, flames unappreciated
Spoilers: Nothing Specific, general for first few books.
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own Hermione, or Luna, or Ginny, or Cho, or... I would buy them all but I am broke.
Summary: Additional Hogwarts School Rules 1991-1998
The following is a complied list of revisions and additions to the Hogwarts School Rules that were enacted at various times and in various places between 1991 and 1998. This is the first time these rules have been compiled in a single place. (list may be subject to revision as new rules are centralised and catalogued)
1) 'Nargles made me do it' is not a valid excuse for anything
2) The phrase 'But Professor, Harry told me to 'sit on it'' is never to be uttered
3) 'A Werewolf ate my homework' will not be accepted as an excuse for failing to complete an assignment
4) Quidditch trails and practices are not to be conducted 'Skyclad'
5) It is against school rules to play fetch with the Giant Squid using First Years (or Ferrets) instead of sticks
6) The following phrases are banned in the Great Hall and all classrooms: polish your wand, dip your quill, raid the honey pot, battered clams, dip the well, get a tight grip on the broom and any references to giant snakes or chamber of secrets
7) There are no house initiations for first years. If there were, they would NOT include: calling Professor Snape 'a greasy git' to his face, sabotaging Gryffindor Potions or anything that involves nudity
8) There are no tryouts for positions in 'Harry's Harem', regardless of what the Weasley Twins or the Gryffindor Chasers say
9) Hogwarts does not produce either a 'Quidditch Hunks' or a 'Babes of Hogwarts' nude calendar
10)No competition at Hogwarts has a night with Harry Potter, Daphne Greengrass or the Gryffindor Chasers as a prize
11) Weasels and Ferrets do not interbreed and all experiments to try are banned
12) The 'Shrieking Shack' is not a challenge
13) The statement 'I wonder if she is wearing anything under those robes' is not a challenge to find out
14) Dragons do not eat Ferrets or Trolls. Do not try to feed them either (it gives them indigestion)
15) Dragon dung does not make a good facial pack and it is wrong to tell Muggleborn Witches that it does
16) The Morning After potion does not require 'Hair of the Dog'
17) Teaching the Weasley Twins about the possible uses of chewing gum, paper clips and duct tape is forbidden on pain of death
18) Duct Tape is not to be used on staff or students (Amendment: this rule does not apply to Professor Umbitch... Err Umbridge)
19) C4 is not silly putty and should not be used in the potions lab
20) When sticky tape takes up more than 50% of your wand's mass, you need a new wand
21) Professor Snape's hair is not the source of any kind of lubricant
22) Singing 'We're off to see the Wizard' in a Munchkin voice is forbidden around Professor Flitwick
23) Singing 'Ding Dong the witch is dead' every time Professor Umbridge passes is wrong… funny but wrong
24) Singing 'All the small things' or 'What's my age again' around Professor Lockhart is unfair… he does not get the joke
25) It is NOT 'The end of the world as we know it' if Neville Longbottom makes a good potion in class and Professor Snape will not perform it (even if he has a great voice)
26) Professor Snape smiling is not a sign of the Apocalypse (we think)
27) House Elves are forbidden from seeing any human plays, especially Avenue Q (Schadenfreude is a bad things for an elf to follow)
28) T-shirt stating 'Muggleborns do it better' is not appropriate attire for Formal Functions
29) Students cannot 'Defect' and putting up signs in the other common rooms stating 'Come to Gryffindor, we have cookies' is punishable by Detention
30) Cocktail mixing is not a valid elective
31) There is no skinny dipping competition at Hogwarts
32) The Following do not exist: Wedding night rehearsals, Animagus Vets, Quidditch pole dancing and Nudist Dormitories
33) The following are not legal tender: future or existing first born children, souls, time as experimental test subjects and Harry Potter bodily fluids or locks of hair
34) Singing 'What's new pussycat' to Professor McGonagall is… inadvisable
35) There is no Lemon Drop tree in the Forbidden Forrest and it is not out of bounds so that Professor Dumbledore can keep them to himself
36) Professor McGonagall does not have a hairball problem
37) There will be no speculation on just how flexible a Cat Animagus is
38) His name is Sirius Black, not Randy McShagit
39) Steak night is not a Vampire hunt
40) rated ginger does not involve a Weasley
41)Train surfing is not allowed, even if Mister Potter looks cool doing it
42) Mister Potter in NOT a God and should not be worshiped – Requested by Harry Potter (Addendum: Aww. Please? We offer more than just cookies – High Priestess of Harry Potter)
43) Mister Potter is not allowed to transfer his Godhood to Ron Weasley (We don't want too many Weasley children running around)
44) Ron Weasley is not the official 'Voice of God'… I mean Mister Potter
45) Ginny Weasley is not the High Priestess of Harry Potter (Addendum: Yes I am)
46) Locking Mister Potter and Mister Malfoy in a broom closet is banned. Mister Filch is tried of having to replace the destroyed cleaning supplies
47) Fred and George Weasley are not the Gods of Chaos and Mayhem
48) The Gryffindor Chasers are not the 'The Fates'
49) Luna Lovegood is not trying to drive the entire school insane so she can start her own asylum
50) Warhammer 40K is not a Wizarding game and should not be charmed to be one (This means you Albus)
51) The saying is Revenge is a dish best served cold, not 'with radishes, cream cheese and a nine iron' (Miss Lovegood I am looking at you)
52) Prefects are not allowed to issue 'Transfer to the Sister Repentia' to female students in place of detention
53) The Quidditch Pitch goal posts are not to be used as a giant slingshot
54) Wizarding disputes are NOT to be resolved with a game of 'Human Wizarding Chess' using First Years
55) Patriot Arrows may not be used during Quidditch Matches
56) Pulling out the Script to come up with the perfect comeback in an argument is forbidden… and tacky
57) Failing students are not: fed to Dragons, become Fluffy's chew toy or turned into potions components by Professor Snape
58) Using Dragon Fire is not an effective way to toast Marshmallows and you should not tell First Years that it is
59) Vampires are dark creatures not 'hicky monsters'
60) A vampire attack is life threatening and should not be described as 'a little prick then a big suck'
61) Weasley Wizarding Wheezes is not medication for respiratory distress (but probably is the cause)
62) Legumancy is not to be used on Luna Lovegood. This is for your own protection
63) Mouldybutt is not a curse, it is a medical condition
64) Singing 'Hot Stuff' around Fleur Delacour is not recommended
65) Mister Potter's glasses can not see through clothes and his fan club should put their underwear back on (This includes you Mister Creevey)
66) 'Light a fire under their arse' is an expression not an instruction
67) 'Ride the joy train' does not involve Mister Potter, fifteen witches and no clothes
68) Underwear is a required part of the school uniform, especially for witches sitting across from Mister Potter.
69) Daphne Greengrass is hereby banned from purchasing any more items from the Victoria's Secret catalogue. All the strait male members of Slytherin House are being treated in the Hospital Wing for extreme nose bleeds and the House Elves are still cleaning up the blood stains in the Slytherin Dormitory
70) They are not called 'Fun Bags' or 'Money Makers' and the Weasley Twins should stop referring to their products as such
71) No student or staff should respond to the phrase 'Oh my God' with 'Yes?"
72) Please stop sending naked pictures of Witches (and Wizards) with Unicorns to Mister Potter. The staff are fed up with his repeated requests to Obliviate him
73) His name is Harry Potter not 'Sex God of Hogwarts', 'The Impregnator' or 'Yummy'
74) The Giant Squid refuses to take part in ANY Hentai recreation scenes
75) Neither defeat not victory on the Quidditch Pitch requires a full house 'Nuddie Run'
76) School rules do not include 'Pants off Friday' or 'No Undie Monday'
77) Edible underwear is NOT part of the school uniform
78) All Harry Potter themed… items of an adult nature are banned
79) The path to Potter is not through Weasley (it is through Granger)
80) Your DADA teacher is NOT specifically tying to kill you (most of the time)
81) You will not encourage other students to perform 'Darwin Award' eligible actions
82) The following terms are now banned in the Gryffindor Common Room: High Performance Lubrication, cock rocket and panty cream
83) Baseketball is banned in the Great Hall
84) NO TRIBBLES! EVER!
85) No dressing Dobby as a Gremlin
86) Kreature is not Gollum and Dobby is not Sméagol
87) Dumbledore is not Gandalf's bitch
88) Pollyjuice Potion is dangerous and should not be used to attempt to make an army of sexy cat-girls
89) The 'Sword of Gryffindor' is a historical artefact and not a pet name for Mister Potter's equipment
90) It is called the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, not 'the smorgasbord'
91) All showings of Braveheart are forbidden when House Elves are around (Miss Granger). Last time they started a revolt with the war cry of 'You can take our lives but you'll never take our dirty dishes'
92) All Weasley's are to avoid the Forbidden Forest at all costs, as requested by the residents of the Forest
93) Harry, Ron and Hermione do not own a pizza place.
94) Treacle Tart does not involve a naked Witch, a drop cloth and a turkey baster, even if this is Mister Potter's preferred method of serving
95) Misses Malfoy is not the reigning champion of the 'Hogwart's Yummy Mummy' award. (The current champion is Lady Greengrass)
96) The Devil does not wear Prada, she wears silly pink cardigans.
97) The class is called DADA, not DVDA
98) Mister Finnegan is banned from possessing, obtaining, creating or using all forms of explosive
99) There are no Orgies in the Hufflepuff common room, not should the female members of the house be referred to as Hufflesluts
100) Regarding the rumours of seven Death Eaters running away from Miss Granger… all we can say is remember the old saying 'Beware the quiet ones'
101) 'Suds parties' are now banned in the Prefects Bathroom, which as the name implies is for Prefects only.
102) All Marriage Contracts involving Mister Potter are to be sent to Tonks and Associates Solicitors in London. Your personalised rejection letter will be sent in 7 to 10 working days
103) Miss Granger has clearly demonstrated that calling her a 'Know-It-All' is no longer an insult; it is a statement of fact.
104) The rumours involving Miss Granger getting s fact incorrect has not been substantiated… if it is then we will instigate immediate preparations for an impending Apocalypse
105) Quidditch is a sport, not a religion
106) Despite recent gossip, no member of the Beauxbaton Academy delegation went home bearing Mister Potter's child, let alone all of them
107) Female Slumber parties are forbidden in all areas except the female House Dormitories. The Hogwarts water usage in cold showers for the last week equals the prior two years.
108) The next person to utter 'My Father will hear about this' will be bitch slapped (rule posted by Professor McGonagall)
109) Any idea, comment or product that makes either of the Weasley Twins laugh for more than five seconds is immediately banned
110) The above rule also applies to Miss Weasley
111) Thanks to Professor Dumbledore and the 'Golden Trio', areas that are forbidden to students are now called 'dead zones'. The term 'Out of Bounds' is now resolved for the frequent deadly tests that the Headmaster has arranged for Mister Potter and friends.