Author's Note: God damn it. I was supposed to get work done on Chapter 2 of my other story, but instead I ended up working on Chapter 4 (and I haven't even started Chapter 3). And then for no apparent reason I spent about twenty minutes on this.
P.S. Why doesn't anybody fucking curse in their author's notes? I'm not saying I have to curse, but I'm kind of a foul-mouthed goon and if I censored myself every time the F-Bomb popped into my head then I'd feel weird.
P.P.S. I'd just like to thank Night Monkey for contributing to my procrastination with his Nerd fic. I'd also like to thank my mother for getting tacked to a mattress and then spewing me forth from her loins nine months later.
What If the Joker Got Hold of the Phone Number to the Batmobile?
Call #1
Batman: Nightwing?
Joker: *imitating Nightwing* Uh...yeah. This is Nightwing. How's it hangin'?
Batman: Are you alright? Your voice sounds weird.
Joker: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm, uh...taking a shit.
*Joker making strained grunts*
Batman: ...Okay. What's this about?
Joker: I've got something I need to talk to you about. We should meet up at the, uh, hideout.
Batman: You mean the Batcave?
*Joker suppressing laughter*
Batman: Are you there? Your line has static.
Joker: No, I'm still here. So yeah, we need to meet at the...Batcave.
Batman: Why can't we talk now?
Joker: Cause. I need to talk to you in person.
Batman: Fine. I'll meet you there in an hour.
Joker. Cool, cool. So...can you remind me how to get there?
Batman: Who is this?
*click*
Call #2
Batman: Yes?
Joker: *imitating Nightwing* It's me Nightwing.
Batman: Who is this?
Joker: It's me I swear. I just needed to tell you that I love you. I've always loved you.
Batman: What the hell?
Joker: Hey, don't be like that. You hang around way too many little boys. I know you want my sweet, sweet ass.
Batman: Joker is this you?
*click*
Call #3
Batman: This better not be the Joker!
Harley Quinn: *imitating Batgirl* Uh, no, it's Batgirl.
Batman: Oh god damn it.
Harley Quinn: Uh...do you... *whispering* I can't read your handwriting, Mistah J. *whispering* Oh yeah. B-Ma-uh, I mean Batman, do you remember when we had sex?
Batman: I'm going to find you clowns and make you wish you were never born!
Harley Quinn: *whispering* I don't think he's buyin' it, Mistah J. *whispering*
Joker: *in the background* Shut up and read the script!
*click*
Harley Quinn: I think he hung up.
Joker: *in the background* Useless!
Call #4
Batman: ...
Joker: Is your refrigerator running?
*click*
Call #5
Batman: Hello, Joker.
Joker: *imitating Ted Danson* This isn't the Joker. This is Ted Danson. I think I was that guy from Cheers. I'm just calling to tell you that I love you. I've always loved you.
Batman: Could you hold on for a second, Ted?
Joker: Uh, sure.
*someone knocking on a door from the Joker's line*
Joker: What the hell? Who even knows I'm here? Hell-oh shit!
Batman: *in the background* Disposable cellphones are only untraceable if you throw them away after you use them.
Joker: Oh...balls.
*sounds of a struggle*
*breaking lamp*
*teeth hitting the floor*
*click*