Sensitive Scars Sequel to Juniper Knows Best

by salianne

Noah tries to adjust to his new life. Luke just wants him to find his way.

Title: Sensitive Scars (Sequel to Juniper Knows Best)

Author: Salianne

Pariing: NUKE

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Noah tries to adjust to his new life. Luke just wants him to find his way.

Warnings: m/m sexual situations, mega-angst, and for you Noah-lovers - Noah is being a huge ass (but he has a good reason that will come out sooner or later), and for you Luke-lovers - Luke is being a total doormat, but he'll figure it out.

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, this is just for fun.

Genre: Angst, hurt/comfort, romance

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Life had settled into a blissful routine. Luke couldn't remember a time in his life where he felt happier. Noah had been unexpected but now Luke couldn't imagine spending a single day without him. Every morning he woke up nuzzled into Noah's back, smelling the sleep-warm skin of the man he loved beyond measure. Luke always left a pot of coffee brewing for Noah before he quietly snuck downstairs to get the kids ready for the bus. By the time Noah showed his groggy face to the world outside of the hayloft-turned-bedroom-suite they now shared, the kids were off, Holden was busy cleaning up breakfast dishes and Luke was brushing Juniper while she ate greedily from her feedbag.

It was like this every morning.

Luke found comfort in the steady rhythm of it.

Noah was slowly feeling suffocated.

"Good morning, handsome." Luke called from the other side of Juniper.

Noah turned toward the voice he found soothing and oppressive at the same time. He scratched his head sleepily and yawned. "Mornin."

Luke peeked from underneath Juniper's neck. "Wanna grab a brush and give me a hand?"

Of course - that's what I'm here for after all - your personal assistant. "Sure"

Noah grabbed a soft brush and went to work on Juniper's neck and shoulder, being careful to avoid her sensitive scars.

"Hey, baby..." Luke walked around Juniper's head so he could look at Noah. "Last night was really amazing."

Noah looked into Luke's dreamy eyes and saw that he was talking about so much more than the screaming sex. You always read more into it - you're like a chick. "Yeah. It was." Noah kissed Luke tenderly, just the way he knew Luke liked to be kissed when he was feeling this sentimental.

Luke smiled gratefully. "I love you, Noah Mayer."

Noah kissed Luke again before he playfully nudged him back to his side of the horse. Noah hadn't been able to say those three words for weeks. Luke didn't even seem to notice. Figures. He wasn't sure what it was that had stirred up this seething resentment - but Noah felt it. He resented Luke and everything Luke represented.

By Noah's clouded observation, Luke had an unnatural lack of need for personal success - being penniless never seemed to bother him - ever - it's like Luke was resigned to a life of poverty. Noah didn't see anything that looked like ambition or drive - Luke just muddled through each day - scraping by on whatever odd jobs he could find. Making enough to keep food on the table and gas in the truck - perhaps squirreling away a little bit here and there for the 'college fund.' College fund - what a joke - like his little pittance will ever be enough to put three kids through school.

Noah didn't want to feel this way. He loved Luke. He more than loved Luke. Luke brought him such joy and pleasure and love and acceptance. Luke also brought him routine and simplicity and responsibility and mediocracy. Luke was everything Noah never had. At first that seemed perfect - Noah craved it, wanted the grounding and stillness that he never experienced in his life as a rich kid who rotated through boarding schools and summer camps. Noah liked the way being settled felt. He liked the way being planted deep into the soil - rooted to something other than himself - his soul felt wrapped in a quilt stitched together with love and kisses.

Then each day started to feel a little more like he was being smothered by that quilt. Noah hated to feel that way - hated that he could no longer trust it - trust Luke. Noah had started looking for the hidden agenda without even meaning to - it just crept up on him until one day he realized he was building a case against Luke and sketching out his escape plan.

There was nothing he could do to stop it. It was inevitable. Noah had begun mourning the loss of this relationship weeks ago - he just hadn't realized it.

Luke was oblivious to the battle Noah fought in his heart and mind. For Luke - life was perfect. He had felt so alone in the world - he didn't even realize it until he had Noah. Luke loved the way it felt to have a partner. He and Noah worked so well together - to the point of sharing the occasional landscaping job. The kids loved him - preferring Noah for bed time stories, board games, and movie nights over Luke any day. Holden seemed to be bonding with Noah as well - he even let Noah take him to his physical therapy and to visit Lily's grave one afternoon when Luke couldn't get out of an obligation to the dairy. Holden never let anyone other than his family see him that vulnerable - ever. Luke almost cried tears of joy when he found out.

Luke was also thrilled that he was helping Noah learn how to live on a budget so he could save a little money each week for school. Luke had helped Noah connect with the department chair of OU's film school. They learned that most of Noah's credits would transfer into the degree program - leaving Noah with only one year to complete his degree, despite being a transfer. If Noah could keep up with the pace of working two jobs during the fall and winter - Luke felt confident that he could afford a couple of classes in the Spring.

They were both lost in thought as they finished up Juniper. Luke appreciated that they were so comfortable with each other that they didn't need to fill every second with conversation. Noah resented the fact that Luke had nothing to say to him unless they were fucking or divvying up chores. It never occurred to Noah that he had stopped talking first.

"So..." Luke tossed the brushes into the tack box."...I'm heading out to the co-op for the afternoon. It's my day to work the garden - so we'll have lots of fresh veggies for dinner tonight."

"Oh. I forgot." Noah hated that Luke gave up a Saturday once a month. Between Luke's classes, his 20 hours of work study at the library and the various odd jobs he seemed to always pick up - they had very little time together. He doesn't even appreciate the fact that I sacrifice my time with him, weekends are OUR time. "Do you think I could have the truck today?"

"Of course! Just drop me off." Luke kissed Noah's cheek. "Oh - and we need to drop off Natalie and Faith - they have a birthday party or something."

"Of course." That's right - I'm just your humble servant.

Once he dropped off his human cargo, Noah made his way to Yo's and ordered a beer. It felt good to be away from the farm and Luke and his stupid horse and bratty siblings and fucking worthless father. Why am I feeling this way? God - I'm horrible. Noah drank his beer in three giant gulps and ordered another, grateful for the twenty dollar bill he found under the seat of Luke's truck.

He felt his thigh vibrating and pulled his cell phone from his pocket. Luke - fuck - can't I have one hour to myself? "Hey..."

"Hey Babe. I am so sorry to interrupt your day - but Faith just called me and Nat needs a ride home from the party. She got sick all over the place and she is feeling really embarrassed and very very sick. Would you mind picking her up and running her home?"

"Can't you go get her?" Fuck. "Never mind. I'll go. Seriously, Luke -you do realize they aren't my sisters - right?" Noah hung up and ignored the vibration that started before he had even reached the door of the bar.

When Luke got home later that night, he found the girls in the living room, reading the latest Harry Potter that Luke had checked out of the library for them. Ethan was spending the night with a friend. Holden was working on a crossword puzzle and Noah was nowhere to be found. Luke deposited his heavy load of fresh fruits and veggies on the kitchen island.

"Have you seen Noah, Dad?"

"Hmmm?" Holden looked up distractedly from his puzzle.

"Noah. Do you know where he is? I don't see the truck outside."

"Oh. No. I haven't seen him since he brought the girls home. I thought he was supposed to pick you up from the co-op?"

"I thought so too, we must have gotten our wires crossed on that one. It was a nice night for a walk anyway."

Holden arched his brow, "You walked home? With all that stuff - you walked? From the co-op? Three miles? Why didn't you ask someone for a lift?"

Luke smiled, hiding the crack in his heart from his father. "I wanted to wait for Noah - by the time I realized I had forgotten to tell him I needed a ride - everyone was gone."

"You forgot? Didn't he drop you off?" Holden wasn't liking what he was hearing.

"Yeah. But he probably thought I would catch a ride home. Sometimes I do that. I should have been more clear." Luke explained cheerfully. "How does a giant chopped salad sound? I thought I would cook up some corn cobs too, they told me the corn is super sweet right now."

"That sounds great, Son. What can I do to help?" Holden closed his crossword puzzle book and rolled himself toward the kitchen.

Luke pulled the trash can from under the sink and handed it to his father with a bag full of corn. "Shuck away my friend!"

Father and son shared a laugh as they got busy preparing the evening meal. Luke also worried about Noah and Holden noticed.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"There you are!" Luke said with a sigh of relief.

Noah sat on the edge of their bed, staring at the floor. "Hey. Where've you been?"

Luke stepped in front of Noah, brushing his fingers through his tangled hair. "Fixing dinner. I just came up to clean up a bit. Why don't you come down. Dinner looks really good."

"I have a better idea." Noah lifted Luke's shirt, exposing enough skin to bite his stomach.

"God - that sounds good, Babe. Really really good. We'll need to take a rain check until after dinner though. Everyone's hungry - so let's go eat." Luke pulled Noah's head back and kissed him before pulling him up by one hand.

Noah pulled Luke hard until they both fell onto the bed. "No. You and me - right now. They can eat without us." Noah demanded.

"As much as this is turning me on - we really need to get a move on. They are waiting for us." Luke kissed Noah's neck playfully. "I'll eat you later."

"They aren't waiting for us - they're waiting for you." Noah pushed Luke away.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Everything. Fuck. When are we going to be just us - you and me? Huh? It's like everything we do revolves around kids and wheelchairs and odd jobs with no future..."

"What?" Luke interrupted.

"Are you even interested in getting a real job - something that could actually make you enough money to buy a new fucking truck or MEAT for god's sake?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You! I'm talking about you. You're just happy to shovel shit and play in the dirt...seriously - Luke - do you have any goals?" Why are you doing this to him?

"I have goals. Right now my goal is to finish college and keep my family intact. What's wrong with that?" Why are you talking to me like this?

"I used to have goals, Luke. I used to wake up in the morning knowing exactly where my life was heading. And now I wake up and the highlight of my day is talking to a horse and picking up your fucking sisters. I've become Luke Snyder's personal assistant."

"I'm sorry Noah. It's just that you had my truck, so I couldn't..."

"It's like I can't get away from it - from them. I wanted you, Luke. What I got was this suffocating life - I'm instantly 45 years old, married with children and an ailing parent. What the fuck? I should be out partying. I should be getting drunk and getting laid and having fun. How did I end up here? This is not my life - it's YOUR life. I can't breathe." Noah sucked in a lung full of air - shocked by what had just come out of his mouth.

Luke could barely breathe himself. He had no idea. None. I thought I could read people. How could I not have seen this? "Look. Noah. God." Luke swallowed. "I'm so sorry. I should have been more sensitive. Of course this is hard for you. I can see that now. I should have seen it before. I guess I was just so happy to have someone..."

"To help carry the load?" Noah interrupted bitterly. "I bet it's been nice to have someone here to help entertain the brats and chauffeur your dad to his appointments. You have someone to help you with the daily grind and service you needs after dark - you got quite the bargain with the rejected heir - didn't you?"

Luke couldn't find his voice. He looked into the bluest of blues but didn't see anyone he recognized. "...um...I was actually going to say that I was so...I was just so happy...you know? Happy to have someone special to share my life...um...to share my life...I'm so sorry, Noah. I was selfish. So selfish. God. I'm so sorry. I mean - god. Hearing myself say it out loud...of course...you're right. I just expected you to step into my world...I didn't even ask you what you wanted. Fuck. What have I done?"

"Luke..." Shit. Shitshitshit.

"I think you could use some space, Noah. I mean - of course you need it - shit. Okay. So - um...yeah. I'll - you know - go down for dinner. I can stay in Ethan's room tonight - he has two beds. You just take a breather - Okay?" Luke started towards the stairs. He stopped before heading down, "I'll bring you up some dinner before I settle in for the night."

Noah just sat there, staring at the empty room trying to understand why he was behaving this way. I love him. Why can't I stop hurting him...on purpose. "Shit."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

A few hours later Noah felt the dip in the bed as Luke sat down behind him. "You awake?"

God he sounds so hurt. "Yes."

"I left some dinner for you in the mini-fridge. It's really good." Luke's fingers brushed through Noah's hair. " Good night, Noah. I love you."

Why can't I say it? I feel it - I've said it to you before - hundreds of times - why can't I say it now? What is wrong with me? "Stay."

Noah rolled onto his back to look at the sad blonde sitting next to him. "Stay. Please."

Luke leaned toward Noah - his heart filling with hopefulness. "Are you sure?" Luke whispered into Noah's ear before nibbling seductively on the sensitive skin beneath it.

Noah pushed Luke away, "It's your bed, Luke. Stay." He rolled over, offering Luke his back.

Luke felt his heart being squeezed by the rejection. He's gone.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

A week passed. Each day the strain and tension grew thicker and thicker. Luke didn't know how to fix it. Noah didn't know how to stop it. The sadder Luke became - the madder Noah felt. It was quickly reaching the tipping point.

Luke had been leaving the loft to Noah. He couldn't sleep next to Noah's warm body knowing he was no longer touchable. Most nights he stayed with Juniper, sleeping at the far end of her stall in a sleeping bag he found in the attic. If the November nights were too cold, he stayed in Ethan's room.

He told Holden that Noah was struggling with the sudden change in his circumstances. He told the kids that Noah was really busy trying to find work and deal with figuring out school. The last thing Luke wanted was for anyone in his family to feel rejected by the man they had all grown to love as one of their own.

Noah stayed away. Luke let him use the truck on most days, saying that Juniper could get him to anywhere he needed to be. Noah refused at first - not wanting anything from Luke. But he quickly realized that he was trapped there without wheels. Noah couldn't tolerate being on that farm more than absolutely necessary - so he took Luke up on his offer and monopolized Luke's truck every single day.

After days of avoiding each other, Luke literally ran into Noah at the door of the barn. Luke was heading into the barn to take care of Juniper's morning feed - Noah was rushing out hoping to get off the farm before anyone noticed him. They bounced off of each other as their bodies crashed together - a swirling cloud of their scents mixing together.

They both breathed deeply.

Luke wasn't sure what to say after more than a week of avoiding each other. "Hey."

Noah was stunned into silence at the sight of him. He hadn't been this close to Luke since the night he pushed him away with half-truths and cruelty. You look so tired. "Hey."

"I - um - I was just coming in to feed Juniper." Luke explained.

"Luke. This is your home - you don't have to explain yourself." Noah wanted to touch - and for some reason it pissed him off.

"Sorry."

"Stop apologizing, Luke." Noah snipped. "It's getting old."

"Sorry." Shit. "I mean...sorry...shit...sorry...fuck - I can't stop...so I'll just, um..." Luke stepped around Noah - trying to stay as far away as possible as they passed each other.

God - why can't I stop feeling this way? He doesn't deserve this. "Luke..."

Luke spun around - his heart swelling with hope for something more than rejection from Noah after hearing the longing in his voice.

Noah saw Luke's wide eyes looking back at him - full of pain and forgiveness. He couldn't stop himself - before he knew what was happening he was holding Luke in a tight embrace. Luke's arms had latched onto him in a desperate way. God - you feel so good. "Luke. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Noah left him standing at the barn door - confused and heart broken.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

It was early on a Friday morning when Noah's cell phone rang. He had just snuck out of the barn after finding Luke quietly sitting head-to-head with Juniper. Noah thought Luke was crying - but he didn't stick around long enough to find out for sure. He was still tied up in knots from the plate of Thanksgiving left-overs he found waiting for him after a late night at Yo's. He couldn't bring himself to eat it after reading the note from Luke that had been placed on top of the foil cover.

Noah,

I thought you might be hungry. We all missed you at dinner. We have a tradition on Thanksgiving. We each take turns thanking God for our blessings in life. This year I thanked him for you. I love you.

Luke

Noah was pulled from the memory by another ring of his phone. He looked at the screen and didn't recognize the number.

"Hello?"

"Noah Mayer?"

"Yes."

"Mr. Mayer, this is Ruth Watson from the registrar's office at Oakdale Univeristy..."

Luke held Junipers face in his hands, pressing his forehead into hers. How could I have been so careless. He lost everything - every-fucking-thing. How arrogant am I to think that I'm such a prize that it wouldn't matter to him. I've lost him and it's all my fault. How could I be so insensitive and selfish. I don't deserve him. "He's too good for me, Juniper."

When Luke walked out of the barn he saw Noah sitting on the tailgate of his truck - he looked a million miles away.

"Noah? Are you Okay.?"

Noah focused in the direction of Luke's voice. His eyes were blinking, his mouth hung slack.

"Noah - what's wrong?" Luke asked nervously as he quickly stepped toward the man who held every single piece of his heart. He grabbed Noah's face with both hands to focus his attention.

"I...Luke...I didn't think I had a chance. They said there were no more slots. And now - I mean - now, even if I had a slot I couldn't go because I have to figure out where I'm going to live. I can't do both - you know. So I just resigned myself to the fact that it just wasn't happening for me this year..."

"Noah, sweetie, you're not making sense..."

"Luke. OU just called. A work-study slot just became available. It's a special program that includes room and board. Luke...I have a dorm room, a meal plan, 20 hours of work-study AND tuition. Just like that."

It took every ounce of self-control to keep from hugging him. "That's so fucking awesome, Noah! You deserve this, Noah. You do. I'm so happy."

"You are - aren't you?" Noah grabbed Luke's arms and pushed Luke away. You can't stand so close to me - it's too hard.

"Of course I am. I want you to have everything you had before...I want you to have everything you want." Even if it's not me.

"I can move into the dorm the first week in January..."

"You can stay here as long as you need."

"Luke, I think it would be better if I found an alternative..."

"With what? Noah you don't have a penny to your name. You don't have a job. Where are you going to go? Just stay - we've survived it for this long. It's just a few weeks."

"You don't owe me anything." Noah could feel himself getting angry, but as usual, he didn't really know why.

"I know that."

"Why are you doing this, Luke? What do you want from me?" No one is this kind without a motive.

"I don't want anything...I love you. It's that simple." Luke's eyes became glassy. "I love you, Noah."

Noah watched Luke start to crumble and it felt like a trick. "I know how to make it even simpler - stop. Just stop loving me, Luke."

Luke watched Noah stomp to the cab of the truck, climb in and slam the door before revving the engine and driving away in a cloud of dust.

"I can't..."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas passed with relative ease. Luke had gotten quite adept at timing his entrances and exits from the barn. Noah had become comfortable with the idea of using Luke's truck – he stopped asking after a while and didn't even realize it. It was too painful to talk to Noah – so Luke just figured out other modes of transportation. A week after Thanksgiving the kids stopped asking why Noah never came around. When Holden asked Luke what was going on he simply said that it wasn't working out and it was no ones fault. Holden knew his son. Therefore, Holden knew it was definitely someone's fault.

The intensity of the ache quieted to a dull thud by the time Christmas neared, and Luke couldn't stand the thought of Noah spending it all alone. So, a few days before Christmas, Luke made a point to catch Noah before he left for the day and invited him for the family dinner on Christmas Eve. Noah thought about it for a few minutes while Luke looked at him with expectant, hopeful eyes.

Oh, what the hell. "Sure, Luke. I'll be there. I'm sure having another body at the table will help fill the void."

Luke cocked his head curiously. "Void?"

"Yeah – you know – from you mom being gone and all. It's the least I can do in return for letting me stay here until the dorms open."

Luke couldn't help grinning. "Oh – right – I forgot you missed Thanksgiving. Mighty big of you to help us out like that Noah. I'll see you around 7pm on Christmas Eve." He's so fucking full of himself. Like he's doing me a fucking favor.

Noah watched Luke – who was giggling quietly to himself - walk away. What the hell was that all about?

Noah got his answer as he stepped from the barn on Christmas Eve. The yard was full of cars. As he stepped toward the house, he heard the buzz of a large crowd filtering through the cracked windows and screen door. He was amazed to see the house full of people when he walked through the door. It took him a while to locate Luke. When he spotted him he pushed his way through the room full of strangers and grabbed Luke by the elbow. Noah couldn't deny the spark he felt when his fingers touched Luke's warm skin.

"Noah! You made it!" Luke squealed.

Why does he look so happy? "Luke – who are all these people?"

"When I invited you to a family holiday dinner – I meant the WHOLE family. I forgot you missed Thanksgiving…"

"These are all of you relatives?" Noah asked in shock.

"Mostly." Luke pointed to the other side of the small living room. "Of course – you know Casey and Maddie. They come for all the holidays – since they were both little. And then there's Ali – you met her once. And the two guys talking to her are Reg and Tony. They don't go home for holidays and I didn't want them to be all alone so I invited them."

Luke turned back to Noah and smiled brightly. "I'll introduce you to everyone when we sit down to eat. Okay?"

Noah pursed his lips and furrowed his brow. "Don't bother, Luke. I'm not staying."

Luke felt his heart sink when he saw Noah spin around and storm out of the house. He handed his drink to his aunt and took off after him. He caught up to him just as Noah was getting into Luke's truck.

"Noah! Wait!"

Noah stopped and spun around. "What!"

"What's wrong with you? Please stay – it would mean a lot to me to have you here."

"I can't believe you Luke. You have a house FULL of family and I have NEVER seen any of them – not once."

"Why does that make you mad?" Luke looked confused.

"Because – fuck, Luke. You act like you have no one. Why don't they ever help you? Why do you carry the burden all alone – at least until you trick some guy into being your boyfriend-slash-farmhand-slash-babysitter-slash…"

"Stop it!" Luke didn't know which part hurt more. "First of all, my family is NOT a burden.. I don't expect anything from my relatives because we are not their responsibility. They do what they can when they can and I am grateful for that. Second…"

"But you expected it from me." Noah hissed.

Luke's shoulders dropped and his face fell. "I know. I'm sorry. For the millionth time – I'm sorry, Noah. But I promise you that I didn't trick you. It was not my intention to have you fall into step with my routine. Honestly. I just wanted to love you and be loved by you – my god, Noah – I have never EVER loved someone the way I love you. I would never intentionally use you like that. Please believe me…"

Noah glared at Luke. He wasn't even sure why he was so mad – what started it – all he knew is that now all he could feel was this deep, black resentment. "Loving you cost me everything, Luke. You got it all and I got nothing."

And that was the core of it. Luke understood completely. He could see how it would feel that way to Noah. Luke knew that to Noah, he would always be the guy who took it all away. The guy who was at the epicenter of the destruction of everything Noah had known and counted on for his entire life. Luke knew that there was nothing he could say or do to change that.

So Luke simply gave up trying. Noah deserves better.

"I should go back in there. It would mean a lot to me - and to the kids and Dad - if you stayed, Noah. Would you please stay for dinner? The girls have been excited all day because they are sitting next to you. I promise to stay out of your way."

Even though it still felt like a trick, Noah thought about the girls and he decided to stay. It had been a while since he had been the center of a Faith and Nat tug-of-war and the idea appealed to him. "Sure – just give me a few minutes to calm down."

Luke smiled weakly. "Thank you, Noah."

The preparation for dinner was chaos. Noah could barely keep up with the flurry of dishes and linens and glasses filled with various shades of beverages. The mass of people worked together perfectly – one passing and another catching, one pouring while another added ice. The table was actually three tables that had been shoved together so everyone could eat together. It was tight but no one seemed to mind.

Noah sat on one end of the table, Faith on one side and Nat on the other. Luke was seated at the other end – deliberately giving Noah as much space as possible. Luke sat next to Holden and Noah noticed that Luke touched Holden every few minutes – a brush of fingers against a forearm, a firm scraping of palm to back, a soft squeeze of shoulders. Noah was intrigued by the affection.

Noah was startled out of his observations of Luke by a loud clanging of silver to glass. A man stood, clanging his knife to his wine glass, causing the loud murmur of Snyders to still. Noah recognized the man as Jack, Holden had introduced them earlier in the evening – Noah couldn't remember if Jack was a cousin or a brother – but he knew that Jack was considered a close relative.

As soon as the room was quiet, Jack cleared his throat to speak.

"Well – here we are again. Holden asked me to do the honors this year – so I'll do my best to make Emma proud."

Noah leaned to Faith and whispered, "Who's Emma?"

"She's my Gramma. She died a year after Mom." Faith answered quietly.

"Luke never mentioned her." Noah whispered more to himself than to Faith.

Faith squeezed Noah's hand to get his attention. Noah leaned closer to hear what she wanted to say. "That's because Luke took it the hardest – even harder than Dad and Gramma Em was his mom!"

"Oh." Noah felt a lump forming in his throat. He looked across the expansive table and watched Luke wrap a protective arm around his father. Why didn't he ever tell me about her?

Jack continued his speech. "I want to say to all of you that nothing makes me happier than to see you all here every year – keeping Emma's tradition alive. I think I speak for Holden as well. Emma would not want to see the family drift apart. I remember how happy these holiday dinners made her. She loved having the house filled with laughter and loving bickering. She fed our bellies, but she also fed our souls. And Lily – Lily – she may have loved it even more. I know we all miss them and being here – together – is our way of honoring them. So – to Emma and Lily – their spirits so big they will never leave us completely."

Noah raised his glass and touched rims with the glasses closest to him, all the while looking at Luke. He saw Luke's wet cheeks, red glassy eyes, and his hand firmly placed on his father's shoulder – almost as if he were trying to give Holden some of his strength. The strength he gets from his mother. Who's strong for him, though? Is that why he clung to me? Is that your agenda, Luke Snyder?

Noah ate quietly, trying to keep up with all of the conversations around him. His ears perked up when he heard Luke's name being mentioned by a couple of cousins whose names he couldn't remember. Noah pretended to be lost in his cranberry-walnut stuffing while he focused his attention on eavesdropping.

"Do you think Luke will ever stop blaming himself?"

"No. You know Luke – he takes on the weight of the world and refuses to share the load. He'll blame himself forever because he really believes that he killed her."

"That's ridiculous – she had a ruptured aneurysm! How can that be his fault?"

"Because Emma said she had a headache in the morning – and she looked grey and was dizzy. So Luke told her he would take her to the doctor after his final exam. When he got home she was dead. He thinks he put himself before her – taking an exam instead of getting her to the doctor."

"But how could he have known? A headache? "

"I know – we've all talked to him. He says he shouldn't have been so selfish."

Noah turned to look at Luke again. God. What a heavy load. Luke. He wanted to grab him by the hand and take him up to his room and hold him forever. Forever. Noah shivered at the thought.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Noah snuck away right after the pumpkin pie. When he reached Luke's room, he saw a large box sitting on the bed – wrapped in the Sunday comics. He's even too fucking cheap to splurge for real wrapping paper.

He sat on the bed and looked at the package – contemplating whether he should open it or just give it back. Noah noticed that Luke had picked comics that held a Christmas theme. He smiled at Luke's thoughtful attention to detail. Noah couldn't deny he still loved the man – which caused so much confusion and heartache – and this mixture of feelings was hard for Noah to understand. Everything in his life had been either black or white – good or bad – love it or leave it. Noah couldn't be more than one dimensional. It was just not something he had ever done before.

He ripped the paper off of the package and found himself looking at a Mac Airbook with an Ipod taped to the top of the box.

What the fuck?

He pulled a folded piece of paper from the top of the box and recognized Luke's scrawl.

Noah,

Before you get mad – let me explain. I've had this for a while. You'll need it for school. It has awesome editing software for editing videos…and let's face it – no creative person should NOT have a Mac! I saved up for this – no one will go hungry – I promise. Oh – and the Ipod was free with purchase. I loaded some songs on it – before…well…just before. Feel free to delete them.

I hope this makes your classes easier. I just want you to have everything you want in life. You deserve it Noah – and so much more.

Merry Christmas,

Luke

Noah read it three times. He noticed that Luke was very deliberate not to say 'love, Luke' and this detail made Noah feel sad and guilty. It must have been hard for him to omit that.

Noah's fingers touched the box. He never really price-checked before, but he knew that the Airbook was expensive. Why the fuck would you give me something like this. We aren't boyfriends. I made that very clear. Noah felt the mixture of his emotions settle into the one-dimension that he had always been most comfortable with because it had always been his reality. You can't buy me.

Noah suddenly needed to get away from all the sights, sounds, and smells that reminded him of Luke's sweetness. He needed to clear his head without the interference of Luke's trickery. He knew that Yo's would be open until midnight before closing for Christmas and a beer sounded like exactly what Noah needed. On his way out he saw Luke and Holden in the yard. Holden's wheelchair was next to a van and Luke was kneeling in front of him. They were speaking quietly to each other. Noah didn't want to be seen by Luke and run the risk of having to talk to him, so he ducked behind the truck and kneeled to hide behind it. From his proximity, Noah could hear every word spoken between father and son.

"I just can't accept it, Son." Holden's voice shook from emotion.

"Dad, please. I've been wanting to do this for you since the day you came home from the hospital years ago. I finally saved up enough in the 'Dad's Freedom Fund' and it would kill me if I don't see you behind that wheel!"

What the hell is he talking about? Noah wondered.

Holden laughed quietly, "How many special 'funds' do you have going?"

"A few…come on, Dad. Let's go try her on. I want to see if it's customized right - to fit you." Luke began to push himself up from his kneeling position, but Holden grabbed his wrists and pulled him into his arms..

Noah could no longer hear the words shared between father and son – he could only see them cling to one another, crying together, and whispering words of comfort back and forth. Noah wasn't sure how to feel about what he was witnessing. Part of him felt jealousy, but he wasn't sure if he was jealous of Holden because he was holding the man Noah himself wanted to embrace – or if he was jealous of Luke for having a father who would touch him so intimately. Either way – the display of familial affection caused Noah to feel a little sick and uncomfortable.

Noah heard the distinct sound of wheelchair rolling across gravel and was pulled from his thoughts. He watched as Luke and Holden stopped in front of the large sliding door of the van..

"So, you just push this button right here and the door will open. Make sure to be at least this far away though, because the ramp will swing down and you don't want to be in its way." Luke grinned. He handed the key fob to Holden proudly. "Try it, Dad."

Noah watched Holden look in wonder as the van opened up for him. Noah's mouth hung open in surprise as he realized what Luke and Holden had been talking about. A customized van? Luke bought his dad a fucking van? What the fuck? Airbook? Van? What kind of game is he playing? Why would he pretend to be so poor all the time? Is that how he charms guys into fucking him. The unwitting martyr – sacrificing for the sake of his family…whatever! Noah felt the bubbling rage begin to boil.

By the time Noah had worked himself onto the edge of his emotions, Luke and Holden were both inside of the van and Luke was showing Holden how to maneuver into the driver's seat. They were laughing and joyful.

"Come on, Dad! You gotta figure this out 'cuz I'm gonna need a ride tomorrow!" Luke teased while watching Holden struggle to move from chair to seat.

"Oh! Now I see.. You find yourself without wheels so you make sure your old man can haul you around like you're in 8th grade all over again!" Holden laughed.

"Hey – you still got tweens, old man – you need to get your carpool mojo back in working order!" Luke slapped Holden on the back as soon as his ass dropped into the driver's seat. "You did it!"

"I'm sure it will get easier with practice." Holden giggled.

"Let's take her for a spin!" Luke laughed.

Noah heard Luke's voice – his laughter – and without seeing him he could picture the twinkle in his expressive eyes. The image quieted the rage. Noah knew – absolutely KNEW – that Luke sacrificed to make this happen for his father. Noah knew – without a doubt – that Luke had no hidden agenda. Noah knew Luke was not hiding a pile of money and pretending to be something he's not. Deep within Noah's scared, confused heart – he knew Luke was the most genuinely kind and loving man he would ever meet. Why does it feel so suffocating? What is wrong with me that I don't want that – want him?

Because if it looks to good to be true – it's not true. No one can be as saintly as you pretend to be, Luke Snyder.

As soon as Noah saw the tail lights of the van disappear in the distance, he hopped into Luke's truck and headed for Yo's. He needed the distance more than ever – he needed to free himself from the confusion. The light and the dark were swirling around in his heart making it impossible to think. Noah just wanted to forget Luke – forget how much he loves him – how much he fucking adores him. He wanted to stop dreaming about the way he smells and tastes – the way his body reacts to the pounding of his flesh. Noah didn't want to be in love with Luke Snyder – it cost too much. Losing himself in a bar crowded with lonely people on Christmas Eve sounded like the perfect kind of distance. Maybe I'll get lucky and find a lonely ass to fuck away the memories of Luke-fucking-Snyder.

It wasn't long before Noah did just that – he had some guy riding him in the cab of Luke's truck before the bar closed. Good thing this guy's small.

"Your dick feels so good in my ass…"

"You like this?" Noah groaned before he slammed himself hard and deep into the small man who had impaled himself on Noah's cock.

"Fuck!" The guy screamed into the steamy air – all the windows were covered with fog, but the screaming coming from inside left no doubt as to what was going on.

Noah grabbed the guys rather small cock to help him along. As his fingers wrapped around the pulsing muscle he felt a twinge of guilt that he was stroking someone other than Luke. I'm fucking some random dude in Luke's truck. I'm hideous.

Noah felt the hot splash of the guy's come covering his fingers and wrist – the clenching of muscles sent Noah over the edge in two more hard thrusts. When the guy collapsed on top of him, resting his head in the crook of Noah's neck, it caused Noah's stomach to roll violently. He pushed the guy off of him and onto the other side of the truck's bench seat.

"Dude, that was fucking hot. Merry fucking Christmas." The guy said through panting breaths.

"Right." Noah wanted to throw up. "What's your name, anyway?"

"Cliff. You?"

"Noah."

"Good to meet you Noah. Give me a second to recover and I'll give you the best blow job you've ever had."

I doubt you could top Luke's. "I'm good – thanks." Noah removed the condom he still wore, tied it off and tossed it to the floorboard.

"You sure. We could always go back to your place."

This guy thinks a lot of himself. "I don't really have a place right now."

"No? Is that why you're hanging out at a bar on Christmas Eve looking for an easy piece of ass?"

Noah leaned his head against the head rest, closed his eyes, and sighed. "Something like that."

"Why's a guy like you homeless?"

Cliff was starting to get on Noah's nerves. "I can't get into the dorms until January."

"You're in luck, my friend. You just fucked the one guy that can change your current housing situation." Cliff said smugly.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"You get situated and I'll meet you at the van. I just need to grab the insurance card from the truck." Luke said as Holden rode the van's lift proudly.

Luke ran to the truck and opened the passenger side door to grab his insurance card out of the glove box. As the door opened a waft of stale air hit his nostrils and he felt his blood run cold. The very distinct smell of sex filled the cab of his truck. Luke closed his eyes to still the sudden rush of emotion. As he slammed the glove box closed, he saw the used condom Noah had forgotten about, laying on the floor of the truck. Shit. Luke berated himself. Merry fucking Christmas, Dumbass.

He slammed the door closed and leaned against the cold metal – taking deep breaths of the frigid December air that smelled of horses and dirt. Just calm down. Breathe. Dad doesn't need this. You can fall apart later. Buck up, Snyder.

By the time Luke reached the van, he has his signature smile plastered on his face – but Holden noticed that it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Ready to deck some halls?" Luke asked cheerfully..

"You bet." Holden put his new van into gear and never felt such joyful freedom as he did the moment he felt the wheels move beneath him.

Four hours later father and son pulled in front of the farm house feeling humble and proud at the same time. It was the feeling they always had after delivering toys form 'Santa' at the children's hospital. This had been their tradition since Luke was a child himself – something just for him and his father to share. They both noticed the strange car at the same time.

"Who is that?" Holden asked.

"I have no idea…"

Luke stepped from the van and approached the small man leaning against the hood of the green BMW. "Hi. I'm Luke."

The guy looked at Luke, scanning his body from head to toe and back up again. "Hey, Luke. You're cute."

"Do you have a name?" Luke asked. You annoying little man.

"Cliff." He answered. Luke thought he was trying to sound sexy, but he only came off as desperate.

"So, Cliff, why are you parked in front of my house?" Luke asked patiently.

"Oh. You live here too? Hell – if I lived near a hot guy like you I wouldn't be moving into the fucking dorms."

"Excuse me?" Luke was beyond annoyed now.

Cliff started to say something but was interrupted by Noah walking out of the barn carrying two boxes.

"This is all of it." Noah said to Cliff while looking at Luke meekly.

"Awesome – let's get you into that dorm and head over to Ming Ho's for some Pad Thai." Cliff said cheerfully.

"Yeah – um…great. Thanks again for helping me out." Noah kept his eyes on Luke.

Luke glared at Noah. "Dorm?"

"Um…Cliff works in the student life office – he handles all the student residency requests, including holiday housing. He got me into my room early."

"That's great news, Noah. Don't forget to take this." Luke threw the condom he found in his truck at Noah, making sure to aim for his face. He spun around and headed toward his barn – he suddenly needed to touch Juniper.

He felt fingers digging into his arm just as he reached the door, spinning him around roughly. Just leave. Please. I can't look at you right now. "WHAT!" Luke yelled.

Noah's eyes were bulging. "What's your problem. You should be happy to get your room back. Not to mention your truck."

"Yeah – about that – thanks for making my truck smell like a bath house." Luke screamed.

"We aren't together Luke – I can fuck whoever I want – whenever I want." Noah's face was almost purple.

"You're right, Noah. But, god…" Luke sucked in a sob and willed his eyes to stop welling. "…did you have to do it my…my truck…shit…Noah – I can't do this right now. Please, just go. I wish you well. I really do. But I just can't take any more of this.. Seriously. You win."

Noah saw the utter devastation in Luke's eyes. He just wanted to kiss it away – to take it all back and call a 'do over' so they could just be together again. Fucking Claude – Clyde – whateverthefuck his name is – just wasn't the same as being with Luke. Noah had never been with anyone that made him feel the way Luke does – did – shit. "Luke…I…"

"Stop. I can't, Noah. Just go…please. Just go." Luke begged with his big, brown eyes.

"What exactly did I win, Luke?"

"I'm paying too, Noah. You said that loving me cost you everything. You said that you got nothing and I got everything. But you're wrong. I'm paying too – but I have nothing left Noah. I've reached my limit. I've got nothing left…I'm empty. So…you win."

Noah didn't even know how to respond. He didn't know how to walk away from the broken man in front of him. He wanted to fix it, but he knew he couldn't – so he did the only other thing he could think of – he turned the tables. "Like it's even comparable. People break up all the time Luke. You'll get over it. I'm practically an orphan now, thanks to you. So tell me how that makes me a winner in this situation."

"I can't. If you don't get it – I can't make you get it." Luke took a deep, gasping breath. "Be happy, Noah."

Luke saw his father sitting near the porch, watching everything. He brushed by Noah and pushed his father into the house. Luke hated that Holden witnessed the heated exchange with Noah and hoped that he didn't ask a lot of questions.

Noah got into Cliff's BMW and slumped against the window. He didn't hear a word Cliff was saying as they drove to the dorms. All Noah could hear was his own voice screaming in his head, telling him that he had just made the biggest mistake of his life.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Noah was having fun. He tried hard to convince himself that his life had only gotten better. Noah told himself that Luke had hijacked his life and he was lucky to have escaped before he got in too deep. His room mate was never there – so it was almost like having a room to himself. Noah could stretch in ways he hadn't before. He had made friends easily and there was never a shortage of parties – nor was there a shortage of hot guys to scratch any itch he may have. His classes were interesting and he excelled in all of them. Yes – Noah was thoroughly enjoying his senior year.

Except for the times he missed Luke.

And he missed Luke almost all of the time.

Noah wondered when he would stop feeling so confused. He found himself looking for Luke. He wasn't sure when this habit started, but throughout his day he would look for Luke – in the library, at the student center, in the breezeways between classes. He looked for Luke at every party he attended.

Luke seemed to have disappeared.

Luke missed Noah, too. It had been more than a month since Noah left – and almost two months since they shared a bed – yet Luke still woke up every morning expecting to find that warm, hard body laying next to him. Luke didn't look for Noah. He preferred not to see him – it just hurt too much. Luke wasn't sure he would ever stop loving the man – he still ached for him. Fortunately for Luke – he worked - a lot. Without a work study placement, Luke had to earn over eight thousand dollars more during the three month semester in order to stay on top of all of his obligations. Even with three jobs, he was barely making it.

Luke was tired.

He did his best to hide his exhaustion from his family – not wanting them to feel like they were a burden. He made sure he was always home for dinner – taking care to keep the house stocked with food for all the meals in between - meals that he usually missed because he was either working, attending class, or studying. The kids were easily fooled – but Holden was not. The van enabled Holden to take some of the load off of Luke's shoulders – he could now run the kids around and do some of the errands. But Luke was still running himself into the ground to make sure all the needs were met.

One night as they were preparing dinner, Holden mentioned that he was looking for a job. Luke – who was having an exceptionally rough day – said nothing. He just looked at his father and cried.

To Luke it felt like he failed his family. It felt like he couldn't do enough. It never occurred to Luke that his dad may need to feel useful – no – Luke could only feel the needling sensation of failure and impending doom. The last time he failed – I lost Gramma Em.

"Son?" Holden rolled closer to his son and grabbed his wrist. He pull Luke into a kneeling position so they were eye to eye. "What's going on, Luke?"

Luke rested his head on his father's lap. Through the hiccups of sobbing he tried to explain. "I'm just…just so…tired."

Holden's fingers combed through the soft hair of his eldest son. His heart breaking from the sight of his sunshine being clouded by the rain. "Luke. You don't have to carry the weight of the world. We can do this together. It's time for you to let your old man pull some of his own weight."

"I don't want you to over-do it, Dad…"

"Luke, there's a lot I can do from this chair. I promise to take it easy. Nothing is going to happen to me." Holden lifted Luke's head so they were looking eye to eye. "I promise, Son. I'll be fine."

"What are you thinking about for work?" Luke asked apprehensively.

"Jack got me an interview with the supervisor of the 911 call center." Holden beamed.

Luke could see how much this meant to his father and his heartache lightened a bit. "Really? Wow – that sounds like a really cool job, Dad!"

"Jack seems to think I have the right temperament for it." Holden did feel proud.

"I think Jack's right." Luke squeezed Holden's hands. "I'm sorry for the meltdown. I'm just so tired today."

Holden grabbed a handful of Luke's hair and forced his son to look into his very serious eyes. "Luke – I want you to go up to your room and sleep. We can manage dinner without you."

"I think I need to eat more than sleep at the moment, Dad. Besides – I'm working the bar of a frat party tonight." Luke stood and walked to the fridge to pull out items for dinner.

"Luke. Please. Call them and tell them you can't work tonight. You look terrible, Son. You need your sleep."

Luke looked at Holden, sincerity washed across his face, "I'm fine, Dad. It won't be a late night."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Noah stood at the center of a circle of men that he loosely called his friends. He had fooled around to varying degrees with most of them, but if he were to be honest with himself – he still wasn't sure of the names of at least two of them. He wasn't thinking about that at the moment though, because he had just caught sight of Luke and his heart was beating out of his chest.

Luke was standing behind the bar at the far end of the room. It was like all the other faces and bodies between him and Luke were a blur. Luke was talking to a guy that Noah didn't know – but who looked familiar. They looked cozy. For some reason this made Noah angry.

Noah's attention was diverted by a warm tongue licking his earlobe. "Let's take a walk outside. I know of a nice secluded spot in the back yard where I can get on my knees."

Noah nudged the guy away from his face. The guy was hot – and Noah knew from experience that he could give head like a pro. "Remind me of your name…"

"Noah! You're so dumb when you drink! You know my name is Morgan!" Hot guy laughed and grabbed Noah's ass.

"Of course! Morgan." Noah smiled sweetly. "You want something to drink, Morgan? Then we can go find that spot of yours and you can suck me until I pass out."

Morgan practically squealed then purred. "Oh, I will too, hot stuff. You know how I love sucking that pretty dick of yours."

Noah tried not to grimace as he walked to the bar. Do I know that? I don't even remember your name – how the fuck am I going to remember how much you love my fucking dick?

When Noah reached the bar he finally remembered where he knew Luke's little boyfriend. "Reg – right?"

Reg turned toward the voice behind him, "Oh – hey, Noah. Hey, man, it's good to see you again."

Reg turned back to Luke, "Are you sure it's okay, dude?"

"Of course it is, Reg. I'm not going to stand in the way of you and the guy you've been drooling over for weeks!"

"I just feel bad…"

"REG! Go! Seriously. I'm a big boy. I'll find another way home!" Luke laughed and gave his friend a supportive slap on the back..

"Thanks, Luke. I totally owe you one!"

"Play safe, Buddy." Luke ordered as Reg sprinted toward the object of his affection.

Luke turned to face Noah and felt his chest clench at the sight of the bluest of blues framed in dark lashes and perfect skin. I'm too tired for this. Fuck. "What can I get you, Noah?"

"How are you, Luke?"

Luke sighed. "I'm good. What do you want to drink?"

Noah tried to stop himself, but he just couldn't resist. "You came with Reg?"

"Noah. Please. Just tell me what you want." Luke asked weakly. I'm so tired.

"I want to talk to you…"

"To drink. What do you want to drink?"

"Are you and Reg together?" Noah ignored Luke's question.

Luke just looked at him for several seconds. You're unbelievable. "If I answer your question will you leave me alone?"

Noah didn't answer.

"Do you think I would send my boyfriend off to do it with some other guy?"

"But you came to the party together…"

"He gave me a ride. My truck's not running right."

"What's wrong with your truck?" Noah asked.

"Do you want something to drink or not?" Luke almost whined.

"Two beers and two shots of Patron." Noah answered. "What's wrong with your truck?"

"Transmission's shot." Luke said as he put Noah's drink order in front of him.

"You need a ride home later?" Noah asked, sounding almost hopeful.

"Are you telling me you have a car?" Why do I even care?

"Yeah – um – my dad let me have my car back." Noah dropped his eyes.

Luke was suddenly interested. "Really? That's great. That must mean you and your dad have worked it out?" Thank god – you can get your life back the way you want it.

"Sort of. He says this is a test. If I can stay on track he'll increase my privileges."

"On track? What does that mean?" Luke had forgotten that he didn't want to talk to the heartbreaker in front of him.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him…."

Luke cocked his head. "So he thinks you're straight? He'll play 'dad' as long as you don't suck dick? Is that really how you want…"

"Stop talking about things you know nothing about, Luke. He proved that he's trying long before the car thing came up."

"He did?" Luke asked. "How?"

"This work study thing – it wasn't just a lucky break. An anonymous donor paid for the dorm and meal plan and the 'open slot' was forfeited by someone on the condition that it be offered to me." Noah explained.

"And he told you he did that?" Luke asked.

"He didn't have to. Who else do I know with the resources and influence to pull that off?"

Luke looked at the bar top and started wiping down the already clean surface. "True…"

"When I went to thank him – he gave me my car back on the condition that I focus on what's important." Noah said. He noticed how uncomfortable Luke looked. Fuck you for judging me, Snyder. "I think it helped that I wasn't with you anymore."

Noah grabbed his drinks and walked away. When he reached his shallow group of 'friends' he handed one beer to Morgan before he downed both shots by himself. "You ready to go for that walk?"

Morgan growled seductively. "Always ready for you, hot stuff."

"Let's go." Noah stormed out of the back door with a very eager Morgan trying to keep up.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Noah had been sitting in the parking lot watching Luke for at least 20 minutes. He assumed Luke was waiting for a ride. He looks tired. He pulled up next to Luke and rolled down the passenger window so he could talk to him. "Hop in, I'll take you home."

"Thanks – but I'm good." Luke answered, his voice sounding like gravel.

"Luke. You look like you're going to fall asleep standing there – let me get you home." Noah insisted. It's the least I could do since it's probably my fault your transmission is shot.

"I'm fine. There's a late bus…"

"Luke…"

I'm so fucking tired. So. Fucking. Tired. "Fine." Luke climbed into Noah's car – which immediately reminded him of the previous summer. Luke felt himself crumble a little. "Thanks."

Noah let Luke get settled before trying to start a conversation. "Why don't you fix your truck?"

"I will, I just need to wait until summer when I can work more hours." Luke explained.

"More hours – you look like death, Luke."

"I feel like it too – so can we please not talk." Luke just needed to stop hearing Noah's voice before his heart stopped beating from grief.

Noah drove the familiar route to the farm. The car was awkwardly silent. Neither man knew what to say to the other. Noah could smell him. It was the Luke-smell that comes after a very long day of hard work. The smell was free from soap and shampoo and was just all Luke with nothing else…his car was filling with the scent of the man he now wanted to lick.

Luke felt the ache in his chest become heavier with each mile. He felt surrounded by a kind of familiar that only made him more aware of everything he lost. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to savor the memories of Noah leaning across the seat of this car to kiss him.

The next thing Luke felt was the heat of Noah's hand on his shoulder – shaking him.

"Luke – wake up – you're home."

Luke blinked his eyes – looking at Noah and leaned forward to kiss him before waking up enough to remember he wasn't dreaming anymore. He scrambled for the handle and nearly fell out of the car. "Sorry. I was really sleeping hard."

"You alright?" Noah asked, genuinely concerned.

"Just tired. Thanks for the ride." Luke slammed Noah's car door a little harder than he meant to and trudged to his barn.

"Luke! Wait!" Noah caught him at the door, grabbing his arm and spinning him around.

"Noah, please. I am so fucking tired. I can't do this right now." Luke begged.

"You were going to kiss me, weren't you?" Noah asked, still gripping Luke's arm.

"Noah…"

"Weren't you?" Noah asked again.

"I was asleep. I'm sorry, but I was…"

Noah stopped him with a kiss – a hard, desperate kiss. He pulled away – breathless. "I wanted you to kiss me, Luke. I miss you so fucking much." Noah pulled him back for another kiss.

Luke was too tired to resist. He missed Noah so much – so he melted into the moment and let Noah take charge. Noah's tongue pushed into Luke's willing mouth, searching for the warm wet of Luke's tongue. Luke's body was on fire – he was suddenly not tired at all and all he wanted to do was get this man naked and taste every inch of his skin.

"I've missed you so much, Noah. So, so much." Luke said before diving into Noah's mouth again.

Noah pushed them up the stairs – stairs he knew how to navigate without looking. They fell onto Luke's bed, pulling off clothes and plundering each others mouths.

"Luke…god…please…I need….Luke…will you let me…I need to…"

Luke knew what Noah wanted. "Yes. God. Noah, yes. I've missed feeling you inside of me. Fuck me, Noah. Please."

The fury of the passion and need took over. Within 10-minutes it was all over. Luke panted beneath Noah's sweaty body – Luke's back to Noah's chest. Luke would have preferred if Noah would have fucked him in a position that would have allowed Luke to look at him – but he couldn't complain. It just felt so good to have Noah back in his bed – buried deep inside of him. He waited until Noah caught his breath and pulled out before he rolled over.

Noah rolled off of Luke's back and fell onto the bed, pulling off the condom and tossing it onto the floor. What have I done? Noah wasn't planning this – he just couldn't stop himself once he saw Luke's prefect lips aiming for his mouth. When Luke pulled back all Noah could do was run after him to get that kiss. He just needed to feel Luke's mouth – his tongue – he needed it. Now he was in Luke's bed – naked – and Luke's arm was wrapped around his waist – leg flung over his hips – head resting on his chest. He felt trapped – like Luke had covered him in his web to hold him hostage again. I need to get out of here.

"I gotta go, Luke." Noah pushed Luke off of him and started to get up.

Luke pulled Noah back down and wrapped his body around him. "Stay."

Noah wanted to stay.

That scared him.

He was just getting his life back in order. He couldn't risk being covered up by Luke again. You're not worth losing everything.

Noah tried to convince himself – but the biggest part of him knew Luke was worth so much more than everything. I'm so confused.

"I need to get out of here Luke." Noah insisted while pulling Luke's arms away from his chest.

"No. Noah. Please. Stay." Luke looked at Noah with his big brown, sad eyes.

Nice try. Noah leaned into Luke's neck, whispering sweetly into his ear. "Seriously, Luke. You're still such a chick. Sometimes it's just about fucking."

Noah untangled himself from Luke's now limp limbs. He didn't look back as he gathered up his clothes and sprinted down the stairs. He quickly dressed in the barn with Juniper looking at him like she was disappointed. "Don't look at me like that. Shit happens."

Noah drove back to the dorms with a steady stream of tears trickling down his face. Why can't I stop hurting him? Why can't I just let him go?

Luke was too tried to cry. All he could do is fall into an exhausted darkness feeling empty and used.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Noah didn't sleep that night. He didn't sleep that week, actually. His confusion about his feelings for Luke was reaching a point where he was either going to go crazy – literally – or he was going to simply die from the self-induced broken heart.

Nothing he did changed the fact that he was irrevocably, undeniably in love with Luke Snyder. Probably from the first glimpse of the man – as he hid himself in a hay loft above his father's thoroughbreds – Noah's heart belonged to the young blonde with chestnut eyes. Noah could not escape the man who smelled like summer - the man who could bring Noah to climax with just one smoldering glance – the man who owned his soul.

I love him.

Noah tried not to – he really did. He had sex with almost every gay guy in town – some of them more than once. Every one of them left him feeling empty – still longing for Luke's warm skin and hot breath. He still dreamed of Luke's spicy scent and hard body.

The smell of horses still made him hard.

Maybe that explained his complete lack of judgment a few nights earlier. There he was – sitting less than a foot away from the man who smelled like true love, watching his dreamy eyes pulling him closer for a kiss. When Luke snapped out of it and opened the car – the smell of the farm and horses flooded his senses – swirling together with the lingering scent of the man he missed more than he had ever missed anything or anyone in his life – Noah lost control.

He just had to have him.

And have him he did. He took Luke – all trusting eyes and grateful kisses. Noah literally bent him over and fucked him without a kiss. As if Luke were nothing more than a random guy he took to the nearest alley. Noah's heart filled with joy from the feeling of being so close to Luke, feeling Luke's body take him in without hesitation. But Noah's head screamed that it meant nothing – warned him not to get too attached.

Maybe that's why I couldn't look at him.

Noah was ashamed.

Noah hated himself for what he did to Luke.

Days later, Noah was still struggling with the dueling emotions as he walked into Java for a much needed cup of coffee. He stopped in his tracks when he saw the familiar blonde standing behind the counter. His heart hammered in his chest at the sight of him. Part of him wanted to turn and run and part of him wanted to climb across the counter and kiss those bowed lips that always tasted a little sweet.

Noah chose to compromise with himself and simply order a coffee and try to talk to him. He stepped up to the counter and cleared his throat to get the attention of a very distracted Luke. Luke looked up from his textbook and Noah's heart skipped a beat. Luke looked tired and sad. He had very dark circles under his eyes; his hair was flat and disheveled. Luke looked like he hadn't smiled in days.

Noah thought he looked beautiful.

Noah watched as Luke turned to the girl standing behind him. "Sara, can you please take this guy's order – I need to bring up some creamer from the fridge downstairs."

Noah got his coffee and found a table that would allow him to sneak peeks at Luke. I've got to fix this.

"Hey…Noah right?"

Noah looked up and saw one of Luke's friend standing next to him. "Maddie? Right?"

"Yep! Mind if I sit here?" She asked cheerfully.

Noah was surprised that one of Luke's friends actually wanted anything to do with him. "I haven't seen you since Christmas." Noah didn't know what else to say.

"I know. I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to talk more. Snyder holidays are kinda nutty!" Maddie smiled.

Is she spying for him? "Yeah – it was a bit overwhelming."

"Yeah. You looked a little shell shocked." Maddie sipped her coffee and looked at him. "Are you enjoying OU?"

"Um – yeah. It's different but I like it. Smaller. Nice campus community. Good parties."

"I wouldn't know about the parties. I'm not really into that scene. Neither is Luke." She dared to say his name.

To Noah it felt like a test. "I guess not – I never see him at any of them."

"I'll be glad when this year is over for him. He'll finally be done with school and he'll be able to take better care of himself." Maddie said before taking another sip.

Noah couldn't resist. "He's not taking care of himself?"

"Well – he's doing the best he can – but he needs to make a lot more money to pay for school."

"What? Why? He's got work-study." Did he say something to me about not having work-study this semester? Was I not listening?

"He didn't get a slot this year – so he has to find an extra $8,000 to cover it."

"Why doesn't he just liquidate one of his little 'funds'?" Noah asked what seemed like a reasonable question.

Maddie scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You've met Luke – right? He would never do that. Those funds are for his family. Luke's always been that way – especially since he lost Emma. He never lets anyone help him – EVER. He let Emma help – but when she died a piece of him died too and he just got so stubborn! It's too bad you two didn't work out – he had finally let go a little. He must have really trusted you to let you help him."

Ah – now I get it. "So – you think I made a mistake?" Noah asked with a hint of hostility.

"You?" Maddie looked surprised. "Luke said that he pushed you away. He made it sound like he dumped you. You're making it sound like that's not the way it went down."

"It was…" Noah couldn't believe what he was hearing. How could it be true? Anyone in Luke's situation would talk all kinds of shit about the ex. Why was Luke protecting him? "…it was mutual." Liar.

"Well…"

"I didn't know he worked here." Noah interrupted.

"He just started. Jeff got him the job." Maddie explained.

"Jeff?"

"Reg's new boyfriend - he works here too." Maddie explained. "I gotta go, Noah. It was good to see you again."

"Yeah…you too." Noah said in a sheepish voice as Maddie walked away, stopping to kiss her friend on the way out.

Noah finished his coffee, watching Luke work. He noticed that Luke made a point not to look in his direction. I've really got to fix this.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The urgency to fix it subsided after a few weeks. The semester wound down to an end and summer was upon him before he had a chance to figure out a plan. Noah talked to Cliff about summer housing options and Cliff said he would check with the anonymous donor to see if summer housing would be covered. To Noah's great relief – 'anonymous' agreed to pay for the costs. He wasn't sure why his dad was still insisting on secrecy – but he wasn't about to ruin a good thing by asking.

Noah worked at the campus film studio over the summer. They needed someone to work the camera as they filmed the new student recruitment video. It was good work and the producer let him offer opinions now and then – so he felt like he was stretching a creative muscle. The money wasn't great, but it was enough to keep up with his bar tab and put gas in the tank. Noah was getting bored with all of the meaningless sex – so he stopped buying condoms – which really helped in the budget department.

He thought about Luke a lot over the summer. But he never tried to contact him.

When Noah walked into the registrar's office to get the fall semester squared away, he didn't recognize the lady behind the desk.

"You're new." He said cheerfully.

"You noticed." She smirked – obviously trying to flirt. "I'm Becca."

You're barking up the wrong tree, babe. "I'm Noah Mayer and I need to get the contracts signed for the fall work-study placement."

"Oh – sure – let me grab your file." She tapped on her keyboard for a few minutes and then walked behind a wall to grab the file that contained his contract. "I wish everyone was on top of it like you. Most people wait until the last minute."

"I just like avoiding the long lines." Noah answered.

"Here it is." She exclaimed as she walked back to her desk. "Wow – this Snyder guy must think you're something special."

"Pardon?" Noah's face did not hide his confusion.

"It says here that Luke Snyder is underwriting all of your expenses as an anonymous…" Becca stopped herself and looked mortified. "…oops."

"You just blew his cover, Becca." Noah smiled, hiding his complete shock and the rage that he hadn't felt in a long time started boiling under the surface.

"Shit! Please don't tell him. I really need this job…"

"I got your back, Becca. Don't worry." Noah signed the forms and left.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Noah waited until dinner time to head out to the farm. He knew Luke would be there for dinner. He never misses dinner with his needy, fucking family. He pulled his car next to a tree at the end of the yard so Luke wouldn't notice it and he snuck up to Luke's room to wait. Noah was going to end this game once and for all. Who does he think he is? Fucker. I'm so sick of his fucking games.

Luke didn't notice the car, but he was so tired he probably wouldn't have noticed it even if it were parked right in front of him. He gave Juniper a quick rub and kissed on her nose before he pulled himself up the stairs, looking forward to falling onto his bed.

He wasn't expecting an ambush. The verbal assault started before he had even cleared the top step. Luke was caught off guard – his heart felt like it had exploded the second he saw the brooding man sitting on his bed.

"What the fuck, Luke?"

"Noah? What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk." Noah's voice was cold and hostile.

"Noah. Please. I can't do this right now. I'm really, really tired. Please leave me…"

"I'm not going anywhere until you hear me out." Noah demanded.

Luke slumped into his desk chair. "You have five minutes."

What makes you think you're in charge here? "I'll leave when I'm done."

Luke leaned his head in his hands, elbows resting on the desktop, and sighed, "Fine. I'm listening."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Noah asked.

Luke didn't move his face from the palms of his hands, "Tell you what, Noah?"

"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not for sale?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I know Luke. The new girl handling contracts told me you're the donor."

Luke finally looked up. He looked trapped. "Shit."

"Yeah – you've been caught in your fucking lie."

"I didn't mean for it to be a lie. I just wanted you to have what you lost. I wanted to make sure you didn't lose more time because of me." Luke talked fast as he tried to explain.

"I don't want your help Luke. I never asked for it and I DON'T WANT IT!" Noah leapt from his position on the bed and towered over Luke.

"You were never supposed to know about it…"

"How the fuck did you pay for it?" Noah demanded. "You've been playing poor-boy but you have money for a fucking custom van for wheel-chair-dad and you have money for a fully loaded mac and now I find out you're paying for my fucking dorm? Plus the meal plan? That's like – what – fifteen thousand? I just don't get it…"

"I'm not pretending to be anything that I'm not. I don't think I have ever described myself as poor. We have everything we need. I work hard and I'm really good about saving. So I just pulled from one of the accounts – the one I started for a new truck. I don't really need a new truck – not as much as you need to finish your degree."

"You had a truck fund?" Noah asked skeptically.

"Yeah. I did."

"Did you give up your spot, too?" Noah's face was red and splotchy.

"Noah…"

"Damn it! Luke!" Noah was furious. What's this going to cost me? "This isn't going to fix it, Luke. You can't make me love you."

Luke had finally reached his limit. He hated the way Noah looked at him. He hated the way Noah talked to him. He hated to be made to feel like the lowest scum on earth for falling in love. Luke had paid in spades for whatever Noah thought were his mistakes.

Luke was done. No More.

He stood to face Noah – standing a bit on his toes to make himself taller. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not trying to buy anything. Why the fuck do you think I would want to be with someone who doesn't love me? Someone who doesn't WANT me? Does that sound like something worth paying for? I wanted to help you because I owe you that much Noah. It's because of me you were exiled. I couldn't live with myself unless I tried to fix it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I knew you wouldn't take it. I did it because I love you. I. LOVE. YOU. I never asked you to love me back, Noah. I don't expect you to love me back. It's not about that. Now – please leave."

"Were not done with this…"

"Yes. We are. If you don't want to leave, I will." Luke spun on his heals and headed for the stairs.

Noah went after him and caught up with him at the top of the stairs. He grabbed Luke's arm and spun him around. "Luke, I said we're not done."

"Leave me alone." Luke pulled his arm away from Noah's grasp and lost his footing.

Noah could only watch as Luke tumbled down the stairs, landing on his left side, his head slamming into the floor below.

"LUKE!" Noah bounded after him, kneeling next to Luke, afraid to touch.

Luke lay in a ball, holding his arm to his chest and hissing from pain. His eyes were clenched tightly shut, tears beginning to trickle onto his long lashes.

"What hurts, Luke?" Noah touched Luke's hip.

Luke jerked at Noah's touch. "Don't touch me."

"Luke – you're hurt. Let me take you to the hospital."

"Leave."

"No – Luke you're hurt. Let me help you." Noah begged.

"I don't need your help, Noah. Just go."

"Luke…" Noah heard Maddie's word echo in his head, 'Luke must really trust you to let you help him.' Suddenly everything Noah had rejected was now the only thing he wanted – because hearing Luke say that he didn't want Noah's help meant that it was over – completely over. I killed us.

"LEAVE!" Luke screamed – his face contorted with pain.

So Noah did. He just left. He left Luke lying on the dirty floor of his barn, obviously injured and in tremendous pain – but Noah left him there anyway. He wasn't even a mile down the road before he realized with frightening clarity that he made the wrong choice – Luke needed him and he just left him.

Again.

Noah pulled off of the road. He needed to think. He slammed his forehead on his steering wheel. Fuck. The confusion he had been feeling for so long was suddenly not so confusing. Noah was starting to understand. Luke never used me.

Noah again remembered his conversation with Maddie and the epiphany that came from seeing Luke curled up in a ball of agony – refusing Noah's help. She said that Luke must have really trusted me because he never lets anyone help him. Luke had told me that he didn't mean to smother me, he was just so happy to have someone to share his life with. Luke trusted me. He loved me. He wanted me to be his family.

He didn't want my help tonight. The significance of that truth hit Noah hard.

Noah remembered how easily Luke shared the little bit he had – from the very beginning – never expecting anything in return.. He was like that with everything – food, shelter, clothing, money, sex. Sex. Luke always made sure Noah felt safe, loved, cared for.

He never expected anything from me. Never. How could I…

Noah's thoughts were interrupted by headlights reflecting into his eyes from the rear view mirror. He watched Holden's van rush past his car – Luke's was leaning back in the passenger seat. It looked like he was crying. Noah was filled with shame. I just left him there.

He would have never left me there.

Something inside of Noah shifted. He knew that Luke was the best thing that ever happened to him. He knew that he threw that away because he was unwilling to trust it - unwilling to believe that people like Luke existed – preferring to stay in the lonely comfort zone built by his father.. Noah knew what he had to do. He knew what he owed to the best person he would ever know.

He had to let Luke go.

But first he needed to tell him that none of this was his fault. He needed to tell Luke that for the rest of his life, he would regret what he has done to him…to them.

Luke deserved that much.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Noah didn't see Luke for a few days. When he finally caught sight of him, he almost stopped breathing. Luke was trying to work the espresso machine at Java with one arm in a cast. The left side of Luke's face was one giant, solid bruise.

Noah took a deep breath before stepping up to the counter. He smiled as he watched Luke struggle with the machine. He has more ambition in his little finger than I will ever have in my entire life. How could I have ever thought otherwise? "You're not going to let that thing win, are you?"

Luke's body stiffened at the sound of Noah's voice. Shit. I can't do this. Luke turned to face the man at the epicenter of his crumbling universe. He saw something he hadn't seen for a long time. Noah was looking at him with genuine affection.

"Are you okay, Luke?" Noah asked with concern showing in his eyes.

Luke wanted to trust it – but he couldn't. Noah was too messed up right now. "Noah. I really need you to leave me alone. I'm not trying to be mean and I'm not trying to get even. I just can't…do this…with you…not even a little…it's too hard."

"I understand, Luke. I'm sorry." Noah meant it – he was so sorry.

Luke saw something in Noah's eyes that he recognized from before – when Noah loved him. Did he ever really love me? It felt like love. "Noah…"

Noah cut him off, "If I emailed you – would you read it?"

Luke took a moment to think about it before answering honestly. "No promises."

"Good enough." Noah said before leaving Luke in peace.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Luke sped home after his shift at the diner – job number five – and only stopped long enough to greet Juniper before running up the stairs to check his email. He hated how obsessed he had been all day thinking that Noah might email him. As his computer warmed up, Luke took two pain pills. His wrist and face had throbbed in pain all day – but he didn't want to take anything that would make him groggy – so he waited until he got home. He pulled the ice pack the hospital gave him out of the freezer and put it on his face as he pulled up his email.

His finger hovered over the mouse – frozen – as his brain tried to make sense of what he was seeing in his in-box. There wasn't just one email from Noah waiting for him – there were eleven. Luke could hear his heartbeat swooshing in his ears. Eleven. He emailed me eleven times today.

Luke waited. He needed time to think. He pushed himself away from his desk and grabbed the left-over dinner from his mini-fridge. He pushed five minutes on the microwave and leaned against the counter. He contemplated his choices. He could read the emails and take his chances – would Noah say something nice or would they be filled with more accusations and heartache? He could delete them unread and always wonder what he may have missed. He could leave them unopened – thereby leaving his options open. Luke took a forkful of pasta and continued to weigh his options.

Who am I kidding?

Luke put his bowl on the counter and lunged into the desk chair. He scanned the subject lines of the emails first. The first email was sent about an hour after Luke watched Noah walk out of Java with a determined look on his face. The subject line said 'Ten Things.' Each email that followed appeared to be one of the ten things. Luke's finger twitched with nervous anticipation as he clicked on the first email – his eyes were closed. He took a deep breath before opening them again to read Noah's words.

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 9:47 a.m.

Subject: Ten Things

Luke,

I have a million regrets in my life – each one of them involves you. If I could have my way, you would give me the rest of my life to make up for each and every one of those million regrets. But, I know now that that wouldn't be fair. Nothing I have done has been fair when it comes to you. I am so sorry.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I just think you deserve to know that you are not to blame. No matter how hard I tried to make you believe that you are. You always scared me – from the very first 'hello' you terrified me. I have never felt so much for someone. Then suddenly – everything depended on you. I loved you – but I also needed you in every way possible. I needed you in ways that were almost parental – and I was still so stuck in the headspace of a rich-kid with a controlling father…well, you know the rest.

I have finally grown up enough to get it, Luke. I get me – I get you – I get us…I get it. I also get how much I've hurt you. I sacrificed you to protect myself.

Every painful moment between us is entirely my fault.

Every single moment of happiness between us is entirely your fault.

God, Luke, I miss you so much. I love you so fucking much.

I've said so many shitty things to you – shitty untruths to make myself feel better. (How can you NOT hate me?) I have picked the top ten (in my mind) of the big-fat-lies I told you and will be sending you the truth for each one of them. I'm calling it, "Ten Things I Love about Luke Snyder." (You know there are a billion things I love about you – but this is a good place to start.)

I don't have your way with words, but I am going to try my best.

Even though you never asked me to…

I love you back, Luke.

Noah

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 10:11 a.m.

Subject: One: Eyes

Your eyes are a beautiful mixture of brown and gold. The gold is like sunshine when you're happy. The brown is earthy and raw when you're aroused. I can't describe the color they take when you're heart is breaking, but I can tell you that I never want to see them that color again.

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul..

I've heard it thousands of times in poems, movies, songs…but I never understood the metaphor until I looked into your eyes.

Your eyes are beautiful, Luke. And when I look into them – I do see your soul – your beautiful soul.

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 11:43 a.m.

Subject: Two: Hands

Your hands are rough from hard work. I know every callous and scar intimately. I've taken inventory with my eyes, my lips, and my tongue. Your rough, manly hands have brought me such pleasure, comfort, safety, and joy.

I have seen your hands bleed from working too hard only to be used to gently wipe away the tears of your sister after her best friend hung up on her. I have seen your hands pull weeds from someone else's garden and then cook a meal for your family with the food you have earned for the effort.. I have seen your hands pound stakes into the ground as you repair fences, and then caress my face as you make love to me.

I love your hands and everything they do.

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 12:37 p.m.

Subject: Three: Honesty

Your inscrutable honesty was hard to trust. It's something I have never experienced. I accused you of lying. You never lied. Are you even capable of lying?

I trust it now.

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 1:22 p.m.

Subject: Four: Compassion

I misunderstood this part of you.

You don't sacrifice yourself for others, Luke. You didn't sacrifice US for others. Your good natured way of taking care of those you love comes from your heart. You do it because you couldn't exist without it – it's who you are.

I understand now.

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 3:17 p.m.

Subject: Five: Playfulness

I have never laughed so much in my life as I did when I was with you. I have watched you turn the tables on a brooding tween – leaving her happy and content and ready to take on the world. I have witnessed the way people light up when they see you. You make the most tedious of work seem like a game. One smile from you can cause my heart to beat faster.

You – Luke Snyder – are joy.

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 4:55 p.m.

Subject: Six: Generosity

People like you don't exist. That's what I told myself. I looked for the trick, the agenda, and the compounding interest.

I took advantage of this part of you. I convinced myself that you were playing a game. I am so sorry I doubted your intentions.

You value the people in your life more than the money in your bank. I never even thanked you for everything you did for me – do for me.

Thank you.

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 6:40 p.m.

Subject: Seven: Ambition

Your ambition is not just in goals that you set or lists that you make. It's not just about getting a paper and getting a job. Your ambition is embodied in the way that you live your life.

You have more ambition than anyone I know – you just don't allow yourself to be blinded by it.

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 7:57 p.m.

Subject: Eight: Commitment

When you say you'll do something – it will be done. You don't let anything stand in the way of the commitments you make. Nothing. Not even a dickwad of a boyfriend who can't pull his head out of his ass long enough to appreciate you. Thank you for honoring your commitment to me, even when I didn't deserve it.

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 9:18 p.m.

Subject: Nine: Integrity

I'm not sure I really knew what integrity meant until I met you. You have defined the term for me. You have given me a benchmark to aspire toward. I certainly had no integrity when it came to you – and you never retaliated. Integrity.

To: Luke Snyder

From: Noah Mayer

Sent: August 18, 2009; 11:18 p.m.

Subject: Ten: Love

You loved me. Maybe you still do.

I love you – I never stopped loving you. I lied because it scared me.

The last person who loved me so intensely was my mother. She loved me – so much – and I felt it in every touch, every kiss, and every word she spoke to me. I loved her too. I loved to snuggle into her softness – her arms would wrap around my tiny body like a blanket. She was sweet and kind and put her whole heart into every gesture.

My dad always told me that that's how women are – soft and weak. He said that there would come a day when I would be too old to be snuggled and held and loved. I never got a chance to grow out of it though, because she died when I was so young.

The way you loved me felt just like that. Just like the way she did. (Shit, I'm crying as I write this. I don't think I understood this until I started writing.) Luke, you put your whole heart into every gesture – whether it was a look across the room or a brush of fingers against an arm. You made love to me every single time – no matter what our mood – it was always about love.

I remember the time we got a little carried away and I ended up bleeding a little. God, Luke, I thought you were going to fall apart when you realized I was bleeding. You were so tender and gentle while you checked me out and took care of me. I'll never forget the way my heart swelled into a lump in my throat when I felt you kiss me there – soft little kisses on my fucked out hole after I had just begged you to pound me into oblivion. I'll never forget that. Ever.

I love you so much, Luke. Thank you for reminding me of how being loved – truly, completely loved – is supposed to feel.

Luke felt numb. He opened up a new email and addressed it to Noah. In the subject line he typed two words; 'thank you,' and then he hit send.

I just can't do this right now Noah. I'm sorry.

Noah was doing an internet search on his lap top when he saw the indicator flash – he had a new email. He saw that it was from Luke. His heart starting pounding hard and fast – he read the subject line and felt a surge of hopefulness. Noah opened the email. His heart sank when he saw the empty space staring back at him. Shit.

He wasn't sure what he expected. He certainly didn't deserve Luke's forgiveness. He looked at his screen – unfocused – for a long time. He finally pulled himself out of his memories and regret and closed the email – making sure to save it.

It's a start.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Luke was finishing up his shift at Java, in a hurry to make it to the diner in time for his shift there, when he saw it. How long has that been there?

On the counter next to a table-tent announcing the new lunch menu was an envelope with his name on it. He recognized the writing immediately. It had been two-weeks since Noah's emails and Luke hadn't seen him anywhere. There was a part of Luke that was disappointed.

Luke took the envelope and put it in his backpack to look at later when he got home. After working at the diner, Luke attended two classes, dropped in on a study group before heading home to help with dinner and then he took Juniper out for a walk. He stopped riding her a few weeks earlier when she started favoring one of her legs. So instead he took her out for walks hoping the exercise would do her some good.

Once Luke finally settled in for the night he pulled the envelope from his backpack and flung himself onto his bed. He looked at it for a long time, running his thumb along the blue ink that Noah used to write his name. He turned the envelope over and slowly ran his finger under the flap – the same flap that Noah had ran his tongue across before he sealed it.

Luke unfolded the single sheet of notebook paper – the yellow kind that comes from a legal pad. At the top, Noah had written the name of a local auto repair shop and a name, address and phone number. Underneath he wrote a brief note.

Luke,

I must have impressed somebody over the summer when I ran the camera for OU because they referred me to this place when they needed a camera guy for a commercial they were shooting. OU let me use their equipment and we got it done in three days. I asked the guy to do a trade. He is expecting your call. He will send a tow truck for your truck and he said he can have your transmission replaced in under a week.

Don't argue! I know it's hard for you and I know I don't deserve the honor of you accepting help from me – but you need your truck. Your family needs you to have your truck. You also need to get some sleep. Dude – you look like hell! Having your truck back will give you a few extra hours to sleep by cutting out all time it takes to piece together the creative transportation.

Happy driving!

I love you back,

Noah

Luke read it three times. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't deny the relief he felt. Being without his truck was hard. Really hard. In many ways. Noah bartered. Good boy.

Luke folded up the note carefully and placed it back in the envelope before he slid the envelope under his pillow. I'll sleep on it and decide what to do in the morning.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Two weeks later, Luke found another envelope. He saw it stuck underneath the windshield wiper blade of his newly repaired truck – which was sitting in the parking lot behind Java. Luke felt his heart beat a little faster when he saw it. He knew immediately who it was from.

He wasn't sure he wanted to open it – so he took it home with him. He leaned the envelope against the Garfield the Cat cookie jar while he prepared dinner.

"What's that?" Holden asked while he sliced onions on the cutting board Luke made for him. It was long enough to rest on the arms of his wheelchair..

"Noah left it on my window today.." Luke answered. His tone was quiet and contemplative.

"Are you going to open it?"

"I haven't decided yet." Luke said before taking the sliced onion from his father and handing him a few tomatoes.. "Diced, please."

"Why wouldn't you open it?" Holden asked as he started working on the tomatoes.

"I'm still confused. I don't want to make it worse."

"Confused?"

Luke stopped chopping lettuce and turned to face his father. "Yeah. I just don't know how to feel. I miss him. So much."

"You haven't talked to him?"

"Not really. Not since the night I fell down the stairs."

"Do you blame him for that?"

"God! No! Of course not." Luke gasped.

Holden smiled at his son. "Is he asking you for anything?"

Luke sighed. "Not yet – but what if he does? I don't want to do anything stupid."

"Take this." Holden handed Luke the cutting board before he grabbed Luke's hand and pulled him into a kneeling position. He slipped one hand behind his neck and squeezed lovingly. "Do you think loving Noah was a mistake?"

"Absolutely not.."

"Do you think loving Noah was stupid?"

Luke's eyes grew wide, "No, of course not, but…"

"Luke. You don't do stupid." Holden laughed. "I'm not sure that sounded quite right, but you know what I mean."

Luke couldn't help laughing too.

"Luke – you have always had a life full of love – family, friends…Juniper." Holden grinned when he saw Luke's face light up at the mention of his beloved horse. "But, Luke – you have never been happier and more balanced than when you were with Noah."

Luke's eyes became glassy, "What are you saying, Dad."

"I'm saying don't count him out. Take your time, think it through – but don't give up on him. I think the timing was off for him. I really do. He rushed into something before he had time to recover from his losses." Holden looked into Luke's eyes with fatherly concern.

"I get that, Dad. I just don't know how to trust him again." Luke knee walked between his father's legs so he could hug him. He buried his face into his father's neck. "I love you, Dad."

Later, Luke leaned against Juniper's chest – her head hovering over his shoulder. Luke stroked her face with one hand and stared at the card from Noah that he held in his other hand. "What do you think, June-bug?"

Juniper snorted and nuzzled against Luke's head. "You sound like my dad. It's not that easy, Junie."

Luke opened the envelope and pulled out the card. On the front was a picture of the silhouette of a tree against the backdrop of a pink and orange sunset. Luke took a deep breath of air that smelled like Juniper, and opened the card.

Dear, Sweet Luke,

I realize now how hard it must have been for you to give me space. Especially when I was living in your room, driving your truck – constantly taking up space that was rightfully yours. It must have hurt beyond measure.

But you did it anyway. Because that's how much you loved me. I get that now.

I am really trying to give you the same respect. It's hard. I hope you can forgive me for writing this. It's a truly selfish act on my part – because I know it's the last thing you need right now. I guess I just need to feel a connection – even when I'm giving you space.

I miss you so much. How could I have been so stupid and careless with you? God, my heart hurts so much.

The picture on this card captured my attention because it reminds me of the last time we were at the pond. Do you remember that? We made love under that big tree on the east bank while the sun set in the horizon. You were so beautiful. You are so beautiful.

I am sorry that I am too selfish to stop myself from writing this: I love you so much.

Always,

Noah

"Shit, Juniper. What am I supposed to do with this?" Luke said through his tears.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Noah had reached his limit with the space thing. It had been a week since he left the note on Luke's truck and he just needed to see him. He vowed that he would make himself blend into the background so Luke couldn't see him, Noah just needed to lay eyes on him. So he started looking for him in all the usual places.

Three days went by and Noah still hadn't seen Luke. He went to Java, to the diner, to the market where Luke stocked shelves two nights a week – he even went to the co-op on Saturday. There was no sign of Luke.

Noah was starting to get worried.

He stopped at Java again. He saw Reg at the counter talking to Jeff, who was working. "Hey, guys."

They both said 'hi' in unison and Noah didn't get any sense that either of them wanted to punch him, so he proceeded with his question. "Have either of you seen Luke?"

Reg and Jeff exchanged a knowing look. Reg decided to speak first. "You don't know?"

"What?" Noah felt his stomach clench.

"Juniper…" Jeff chimed in.

Shit. "What about her?" Noah felt sick.

"Um…she died four days ago." Reg said.

"I'm covering for him here because our bitch of a manager thinks taking bereavement leave for a horse is ridiculous." Jeff added bitterly.

"Oh shit." Noah whispered before running out of Java.

He pulled in front of the barn, parking next to Luke's truck. He felt his throat clench when he walked through the door and didn't see Juniper. Fuck. He took the stairs two at a time – wanting to get to Luke as quickly as possible.

Luke wasn't there. Shit.

Noah ran from the barn and stopped in front of the kitchen door. He knocked louder than he intended. Holden answered. He looked up from his chair – his expression not hostile as Noah expected. He actually looks happy to see me.

"Noah. I'm glad you're here. He's out at the pond."

"What happened?" Noah asked, kneeling in front of Holden so he wasn't towering over the man.

"Bone cancer. It was sudden. Luke isn't taking it well." Holden's eyes held fatherly concern.

"I wouldn't expect him to, god…"

"Noah, he needs you. He's at the pond. Please help my son…" Holden's tears spilled over.

It took less than five minutes to reach the pond. Not nearly enough time to figure out what to say. Noah saw him sitting under a tree – our tree – head bowed, shoulders slumped, his body shaking from sobbing.

Noah reached him within seconds. He realized that there was really nothing he could say – so he stopped thinking about words and just took action. Noah sat behind the shattered man weeping on top of an obviously fresh grave – too small for a horse. They must have cremated her. He scooted himself close – until his legs wrapped around Luke's body.

Luke couldn't see – his eyes were clouded from the constant crying. He didn't need to see to know who had just invaded his personal space. Luke knew from the feel of his body, the way that he smelled, and the length of his legs as they formed a protective circle around him. Luke couldn't deny he needed him. He wasn't about to fight with himself – he just leaned against the strong chest being offered up as a pillar and breathed in the scent of the man Juniper chose for him. Luke wrapped his arms around Noah's waist, buried his face into Noah's neck, and let go.

Noah felt Luke's arms snaking around his waist and he took it as an act of permission. The scraping of Luke's cast against his back reminded Noah to never fail this man again. He wrapped his long arms around the love of his life and held on. When he felt the wracking sobs shaking Luke's body, felt the hot tears and snot on his neck and soaking through his shirt, and heard the guttural sounds of Luke's agonizing grief – he felt his own tears begin to trickle down his cheeks. Noah gently combed through Luke's hair with his fingers – hair damp from the heat that comes from mourning. He slowly rocked Luke in his arms while whispering over and over into his hair. "I'm sorry, Baby. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry…"

They both knew those words were about so much more than Juniper – but that could wait for now. All that mattered now was that Luke needed Noah – and Noah came through.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

They agreed to take things slow – both wanting to fix it and both wanting to do it the right way the second time around. They made this agreement as Noah held Luke all night long under the tree where Juniper was buried. Luke couldn't fight it anymore – he loved Noah with everything he had in him. Noah just wanted a chance to be with the only person in his life who loved him without conditions. He promised to take Luke's lead – he promised to stay loyal and true – even if Luke was never ready to be together in every way. They decided to define themselves as boyfriends – even if they weren't having sex yet.

That had been almost a month earlier – and they were on their way to another date, which would probably end with sweet kisses that would be stopped before the passion carried them away. Taking things slow allowed themselves the luxury of getting to know each other in ways they hadn't before. The time they spent together was about them – being together – no work, no kids, no chores.

They really liked dating – although they both were liking the idea of something more too.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Where are we going?" Luke asked from the passenger seat.

Noah kept his eyes on the road, but his lips curled up into a playful smirk. "You'll see when we get there."

"Why so mysterious, Mr. Mayer?" Luke asked through a quiet chuckle. His smile took up his whole face.

Noah couldn't get enough of that smile. "Can't I be romantic and surprise my boyfriend?"

Luke beamed. "You're taking this dating thing very, very seriously."

Noah looked at Luke, very seriously, "Absolutely."

Luke felt his heart literally skip a beat.

"Pull over."

Noah turned again to look at Luke, wondering what the hell his sudden outburst was all about. "What?"

Luke eyes were doing that smoldering thing that Noah hadn't seen to this degree in a very long time.

"Luke…"

"Noah – if you don't pull over you'll be putting both of our lives in grave danger."

Noah pulled over while his heart raced and his lips curled into a curious smile. He put Luke's truck into 'park' and let it idle. He turned to face his boyfriend and was immediately pulled into a kiss. Luke's hands were tangled into his dark hair before Noah could process what was happening. Noah felt what he always felt when they touched – the slow burn of deep love, grateful appreciation, and a healthy dose of lust.

Luke pulled Noah closer, forcing him to slide across the seat and lean his long body onto Luke's. Luke's tongue licked along Noah's bottom lip, begging for a taste of what lay beyond. Noah gladly gave in – feeling a crushing pressure in his chest as he tasted cinnamon toothpaste and Luke swirling around his mouth. Luke's warm tongue demanded Noah's full attention – the texture of his taste buds stirring up the hibernating butterflies that fluttered from his belly to his groin.

Luke pulled them apart and panted to catch his breath with his forehead resting against Noah's

Noah tried to catch his breath too, his eyes closed as he etched this moment into his memory. "Wow. What did I do to deserve that?"

Luke chuckled – almost seductively, "When I saw how seriously you are taking this – us – I just had to kiss you."

"Lucky me…"

"Where are we going?" Luke asked innocently.

Noah opened his eyes and smiled. "Nice try, Snyder."

Luke laughed.

Noah nudged Luke's nose before kissing his neck. "You know – if you kiss me like that again, I just might tell you…"

"Oh yeah?" (kiss) "You can…" (kiss) "…be bought…" (kiss) "… with this?" Luke grabbed two hands full of hair and pulled Noah into a hard, deep kiss. The cab of the truck filled with the sounds of two men trying to suck enough air through their noses to keep themselves lip locked for as long as possible. Their mouths were open wide as if they were trying to swallow each other up. Noah's hands skimmed the surface of Luke's back – cursing the layer of cotton between his fingers and Luke's skin.

Luke pulled Noah's head back by his hair. He saw that Noah's lips were red and puffy. "Well?" Luke asked breathlessly.

Noah smiled, all teeth and mischievous sparkly-blue, "Still not telling."

Luke grumbled before grinning into Noah's mouth. He kissed and spoke at the same time, "I can't even be mad because I love kissing you so much."

"Fuck…Luke…we need to…"

Noah was cut off by Luke's mouth pressing firmly to his own. The cab of the truck filled with the sounds of their moans and the soft rustling of skin and fabric rubbing together. Luke pulled away again, "You're right…we really do need to…"

"Shut up and kiss me…" Noah demanded before grabbing Luke's face and pulling him into another deep, passionate, kiss.

They were both sweating and hard – desire boiling over in a way that made it almost impossible to stop. Luke climbed on top of Noah, straddling him and pushing Noah's head back to reveal the creamy white skin of his long neck. Luke kissed and sucked and nibbled – his hips grinding into Noah's – they both felt their matching erections at the same time and it pulled them out of their mutual uncontrolled heat.

Luke's hands were on either side of Noah's face; Noah's hands were gripping Luke's hips – holding back the pivot that he only wanted more of. "I want you…Noah…I want you so much…"

Noah's breathing was labored, "I know, Baby. I feel it too…"

"Noah…"

"I know…it's okay, Baby. Just…give me a second. Okay? Just stay right here and let me feel this – just for a second." Noah's eyes were closed as he savored the feeling of every inch of his body that touched Luke. He took a deep breath – the scent of Luke's sweat and desire filled his senses and penetrated his soul.. When Noah finally calmed himself enough to open his eyes, he saw that Luke's eyes were closed too and he looked so happy. "I love you so fucking much, Luke Synder."

Luke opened his eyes and smiled into Noah's mouth before he kissed him again. "I love you so fucking much, too, Noah Mayer."

"Are you ready to continue with our date night?" Noah asked, before taking Luke's bottom lip between his teeth.

Luke moaned into Noah's open mouth and ran his hands across Noah's broad shoulders. He stopped at Noah's biceps, gripping the tight muscles, "Feeling your muscles makes me weak, Noah. Did I ever tell you that? You are all man and it makes me fucking weak…"

"A strong guy like you? Really?" Noah grinned teasingly. "You never mentioned that before. I'll have to start flexing more around you…"

"Yeah…you do." Luke giggled. "I'm going to go back to my side of the truck now. How long do I have to get my raging hard-on under control?"

"We should be there in 10-minutes." Noah pulled Luke closer and kissed him without restraint. After a few minutes of escalating passion, Noah pulled them apart. "I just wanted one for the road."

"Bastard." Luke laughed before pulling himself away from Noah's lap.

Noah scooted back behind the wheel. He adjusted his pants so they were a little looser in the crotch area and put on his seatbelt. "You know – taking things slow is a lot more fun that I thought it would be."

Luke threw his head back and laughed.

I'll never get tired of hearing you laugh.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Luke was – surprised - by Noah's surprise. He would have never guessed that Noah would be an art gallery type of guy. The gallery was small and trendy, catering to local artists and collectors. Noah was greeted by a short, plump young woman with fire-engine red hair. Her stumpy fingernails were painted black and her eye shadow was a bright shade of blue. She wore a black, tight-fitting body suit and no shoes. She didn't have a single accessory on – not even an earring – maybe her hair and face is all the accessory she needs.

"No-No!" She screamed before wrapping her arms around Noah's neck and lifting her feet off of the ground in a way that only girls do.

Noah held her affectionately before placing her feet back on the ground. "Sarafina, you are a sight for sore eyes."

"Or does the sight of me make your eyes sore?" She laughed.

Noah pulled Luke to his side, placing an arm around his waist in a proud gesture. "Sarafina, this is Luke Snyder."

Luke was caught off guard when the woman wrapped herself around him and nuzzled into his neck. She released him after a few seconds and squealed, "Ohhhh – you're right, No-No – he does smell yummy!"

Luke crinkled his brow and gave Noah a curious look. "Yummy?"

Noah smiled, "Well – you do smell yummy." Noah explained and then leaned into Luke to whisper in his ear, "And you taste yummy, too."

"I heard that…" Sarafina said before spinning on her heals and heading toward a back room. "Follow me, Lovers."

Luke couldn't help grinning like an idiot, "Where did you find her?"

"I'll explain later." Noah said. He grabbed Luke's hand as they walked together, following Sarafina.

Luke gasped out loud when they walked through a beaded curtain and stepped into a room that was lit by hundreds of candles. Soft music was playing just loud enough to set a mood. In the center of the room was a small round table with two chairs. There was a rolling cart next to the table that contained enough food for an army. Off to the side was an easel covered with a red velvet cape. "What's all this?"

Noah's smile was so wide that his cheeks bubbled-up into full chipmunk-mode – this was the kind of smile that told Luke that Noah was bursting at the seams with emotion. "This is…don't laugh…"

Luke touched Noah's arm, "Of course not."

"This is like a living love letter to you. I've never understood romance – but I get it now – romance is about living out the way that you feel for someone. Like a living love letter…"

Luke kissed him. Right in the middle of his sentence – he just couldn't wait to kiss this man who took such a risk to show him love. "Did I mention that I fucking love you, Noah Mayer."

"Once or twice…" Noah smirked. "Are you hungry?"

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Luke felt like he was going to explode from the amount of food he ate. Noah thought of everything. Every single dish was one of Luke's favorites. The desert was cheesecake that Noah ordered from a deli in New York because he had heard it was the best cheesecake in the world. Luke was pretty sure it was, too. After Sarafina had rolled away the cart of nearly empty serving dishes, she and Noah moved the table to the other side of the room and pulled a small loveseat in front of the covered easel.

"Come sit with me, Luke." Noah held his hand out for Luke.

They settled into the cushions and Noah put his arm around Luke's shoulder, pulling him close before kissing his temple. "So – I met Sarafina a few weeks ago. She knows all about you because I have been talking about you a lot. I wanted her to have a good sense of who you are."

"Why?" Luke was confused.

"Because, I wanted her to get it right."

"Get what right?" Luke asked.

"That…" Noah pointed to the easel which was now uncovered.

Luke turned and gasped. He felt his eyes get hot as his emotions overwhelmed him. "Oh…Noah…"

"I think she got it right – what do you think?" Noah whispered into Luke's ear.

Luke was speechless. He stood and walked to the easel. His mouth hung open in total disbelief as his fingers touched the canvas – tracing the lines of the image painted in oils. Luke felt the heat of his tears on his face as he felt Noah's arms wrapping around him from behind. "Noah…"

"This is how I think of you and Juniper. Accidental best friends and guardians for each other." Noah kissed Luke's neck.

Luke took in the details. It was a perfect depiction of Juniper's stall – every detail was perfect. Juniper stood tall and strong, Luke rested his back against her strong chest. Juniper's head hung over Luke's left shoulder. Luke's hand stroked her face as he kissed the soft flesh of her nose. Juniper's mouth smiled and her big brown eyes radiated happiness. It was such a perfect image – Luke could almost smell her.

"Do you like it?" Noah asked quietly.

Luke spun around in Noah's arms, "It's beautiful. It's perfect."

"I love you." Noah said before kissing Luke softly.

"I…this is so…" Luke didn't know what to say.

"If you're feeling the same way I'm feeling – you probably want to get the fuck out of here and find a quiet place to get naked." Noah said while brushing the hair from Luke's eyes.

"I'm definitely feeling the way you're feeling." Luke said in a husky voice.

"I hope you understand what I'm about to say to you." Noah prefaced. "I want you, Luke. But I don't want the first time we make love again to be on a night that I gave you something. Do you understand?"

Luke smiled his gentle smile – the smile that melted into his eyes and told Noah that he was not only understood, but appreciated. "Perfectly." Luke kissed him. "Slow and steady wins the race."

Noah giggled into Luke's hair, "You did not just say that…"

Luke chuckled, "Sadly – I did."

"Where are you going to hang it?" Noah asked, more to get his mind off of naked-Luke than anything else.

"I'm not sure – maybe tomorrow after work you can come over and help me decide." Luke pulled Noah closer – he suddenly couldn't get close enough.

Noah wrapped himself tighter around Luke's body, "I can't – I'm meeting my father for dinner."

Luke pulled back so he could see Noah's face. "You are?"

"Yep. I think it's time to fix it or leave it." Noah explained.

"What are you…"

"I'm going to tell him that I love you and I refuse to apologize for that and if he wants a son he will have to accept that you're part of my life."

"Are you sure you're ready to do that?" Luke asked cautiously.

"I've never been more ready." Noah kissed Luke passionately. "I love you."

"Taking it slow is over rated…" Luke smiled.

"Yeah…but you're worth it."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Luke felt his bed dip from the weight of another. He turned to face a very devastated Noah Mayer. He could see the shimmer of tears on his face from the moonlight filtering through his window. His eyes were filled with pain. Luke pulled Noah into his arms, lying with Noah's head resting in the bend of his neck. "It didn't go well?"

Noah shook his head.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Luke asked gently.

Noah nodded.

"OK – take your time, Baby. We have all night." Luke said as he settled in for a long night.

They met at a small Italian restaurant – a neutral setting that Noah picked himself. When he walked into the crowded dining room, he saw his father right away. He was sitting at a small table near the back – already drinking scotch on the rocks and looking impatient.

Noah made his way to the table, trying to steady his nerves with deep breathing. "Hey, Dad."

Winston looked up from his menu and glared at his son. "You're late."

"Sorry – traffic." Noah felt small. "It's good to see you, Dad."

"Do you plan on sitting any time soon?" Winston sniped.

Noah quickly took his seat across from his father. The waitress showed up immediately and asked for a drink order. "I'm fine with water, thanks."

"Water? What's that all about? I thought college men drank?"

I can't believe you're disappointed because I'm not a drunken frat boy. "I'm driving…"

"So am I." Winston said before finishing off his scotch and ordering another.

So – is driving drunk the measure of a man now? "How have you been, Dad?"

"What do you want, Noah?" He said with bitterness.

Noah sighed. "I don't want anything. As a matter of fact I want to thank you for letting me use the car. It has made life so much easier…"

"So - what, you want a new car?" Winston asked.

"No! I just never said thank you before and I owe you that much." Noah explained. "I called you because we haven't seen each other since January – I want to catch up a bit. I have a lot to tell you…"

"I have a flight tonight, so get to the point, Son." Winston called the waitress over with a snap of his fingers. When she arrived he ordered a steak dinner for both of them – rare.

Before she could leave, Noah stopped her. "Actually, I don't want steak. Could you just bring me a chopped salad? Thanks."

"Salad?" Winston scoffed.

"I'm trying to take better care of myself. I limit my intake of red meat and try to get as many veg…"

"Is this how we catch up – a detailed list of your dietary intake?"

"No – I was just…um…" Noah was feeling that pull toward childish fear. He found himself wondering if anyone is worth going through this – even Luke. Noah looked at his father – his cold glare in stark contrast to Luke's loving gaze. The question I should be asking myself is if HE is worth going through this. Luke is worth everything. Luke is worth all of me.

Noah took a deep breath and took the leap. "There is something I wanted to talk to you about."

The waitress brought Winston's drink and their dinner. Noah watched his father start shoving meat into his mouth, almost as if Noah weren't there at all.

"Dad, I want you to know that Luke and I are back together." Noah blurted.

Winston didn't stop eating – nor did he stop looking at his plate - as he spoke, "Why do you find it necessary to share the details of your depraved college experimentation with me?

"No – Dad – you're not understanding me. Luke and I are together. I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him." Noah sat up straighter. Something about saying it out loud made him feel less inferior to the man he spent his entire life trying to impress.

That got Winston's attention. He looked at his son with nothing but contempt. "You sound like you want to marry him – like some swishy fag."

Noah couldn't deny that his words stung. "I just may marry him someday."

"Don't be ridiculous, Boy. You're not a fag. I've tolerated your college rebellion for long enough. You'll be graduating soon and no one wants to hire a fag. You got me? Snap out of it." Winston demanded.

"I can't snap out of it – I love him." Noah refused to back down.

"You're going to let that guy drag you down into the gutter?" Winston seethed.

"Luke makes me a better man. I left him – to please you – I left him and guess what, Dad. I was still gay. I was gay like I've ALWAYS been gay. Just like I was gay the day you caught me with my roommate. Pulling me out of school and locking me away in the mansion didn't fix it – because I'M GAY!"

"He's nobody – Noah – you're going to throw your life away for a..."

"Stop it. He's more of a man than you'll ever be…"

"Don't talk to me like that! I'm still your father. I made you and I can break you." Winston threatened.

Noah sighed and looked at his father's red face. His eyes were bulging and he had beads of sweat forming on his forehead and temple. He's always been in control – through fear and intimidation. Noah realized that everything he had known his whole life came to this – it's always been about Noah begging to be accepted and never being good enough. It's always been about Noah doing what he's told or risk losing something – dignity, freedom, property, privilege. This time is different. I found something I am no longer willing to sacrifice. Don't make me choose – because I won't choose you this time.

"Dad, I love you because you're my father – and I want you to be a part of my life. But my life is with Luke and if you can't accept that, I'm not sure where we stand."

"We?" Winston snorted.

"Yeah – we – what are we, Dad. What are we to each other now that you know that I won't let go of the man I love." Noah said defiantly.

Winston took a few minutes to look at his son with contempt and disgust. "There is no 'we'. You've made your choice." Winston didn't look the least bit upset about announcing the end of his relationship with his son.

It was heartbreaking for Noah. Just like that? Just like that.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Dad." He stood to leave. "I'll bring the car back tomorrow if you don't mind. I'll leave the keys with the butler."

"Don't bother. I don't want that piece of shit car. Consider it a graduation gift from the father you just threw away for some cock-sucking fag."

"I'm not sure I want it – it cost me too much."

Noah walked away without turning back.

"Oh – Noah – I'm so sorry." Luke held tight to his quiet boyfriend.

"I expected it. It was just hard to actually hear it. I thought after all this time he may have reconsidered."

"I'm sorry." Luke wrapped himself more tightly around Noah.

"Don't be sorry, Luke." He kissed Luke softly. "You're the best part of this whole thing."

"What are you going to do?"

"About what?" Noah nuzzled into Luke's soft chest hair.

"Your dad."

"There's nothing to do. I'll make sure he always has my address and phone number so if he ever decides to be a father, he knows where to find me. But, I can't waste another moment trying to be what he wants me to be. It's not worth it."

"You're taking this so much better than I thought you would." Luke stroked Noah's back..

"Only because I have you – I am so fucking happy to have you, Luke." Noah kissed Luke's collar bone. "I should go. Thank you for this. I really needed you tonight."

"You're not going anywhere." Luke held him tighter.

"But…"

"No, buts – you're sleeping right here with me – just in case you need me in the middle of the night." Luke kissed Noah's forehead.

Noah looked deeply into Luke's eyes. "The last time I stayed here after my dad shunned me it didn't work out too well. I really, really want it to work out well this time..."

"Shhhhh." Luke kissed Noah's lips softly. "There are two major differences this time. One, you walked away from him – YOU decided. That is a big difference from being banished, Babe. Second, I'm not asking you to move in – I'm asking you to stay tonight so I can love you the way you deserve to be loved. I don't want you to be alone tonight. Okay?"

Noah didn't argue. He was actually grateful – he didn't want to leave the warm body holding him. After a few minutes of listening to each other breathe, Noah's groggy voice spoke into the soft hair of Luke's chest. "Do you think I should keep it?"

"The car?" Luke asked, his voice sounding sleepy, too.

Noah nodded, "Yeah."

"He doesn't want it – you need it – hell, you've earned it for having such a shitty dad. You should keep it." Luke knew he needed to hear that.

"Okay."

"It feels so good to have you in this bed again." Luke confessed.

Noah felt his heart press against his throat, "It feels so fucking good to be in this bed again."

"I love you, Noah." Luke said as he drifted off.

Noah burrowed deeper into the sanctuary of Luke, "I love you back, Baby."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Luke couldn't stop smiling. It was Thanksgiving – the house was full of Snyders and honorary Snyders and he had his arm around Noah while they talked to Jack about baseball. Luke felt full.

He glanced at his boyfriend and saw that Noah looked happy. He was debating the Cubs and the Sox passionately with Jack – like Noah had been doing it his whole life. Luke was pretty sure that he felt a little overwhelmed, too. When the great baseball debate wound down to a murmur, Luke pulled Noah away from Jack and out the back door.

"Where are we going, Luke?" Noah chuckled.

Luke pulled Noah into the barn and pushed him against the door. He pressed himself against Noah's body and kissed him. Once he pulled out of the kiss, he grinned into Noah's lips, "I just thought you could use a little space before we crowd around the dinner table."

Noah's eyes were closed. "Not a lot of space happening here, Babe." Noah leaned forward just enough to capture Luke mouth.

Luke giggled into the kiss. "Are you complaining?"

Noah pulled him by his belt loops until their groins were grinding together. "What do you think?"

"I think you are trying to kill me…or at least you're trying to kill my balls." Luke groaned.

"Wouldn't dream of it – I love your balls too much."

"You're definitely trying to kill me…" Luke said before kissing Noah while peeling himself away. He heard a little whimper come from Noah's throat and he laughed.

"You know the girls called 'dibs' on sitting next to you again." Luke warned.

Noah cocked his head, "I thought we were sitting together."

"Afraid not, I wasn't fast enough." Luke pulled Noah away from the door by the hand. "Come on – let's go eat some turkey."

Dinner was chaos – just as Noah expected. He thought Christmas was a madhouse – but it was nothing compared to this. There were MORE of them and they were all crammed around the table – passing dishes back and forth without any sense of order. There were 20 conversations going on at once. Despite it all – Noah couldn't take his eyes off of Luke.

Luke sat at the far end of the table, next to his dad. His hand rested on his dad's shoulders as they spoke to each other. Luke looked up and caught Noah's eyes and his face lit up. Noah held his breath when he realized that he had caused such a glorious smile to erupt on Luke's face. I did that to him. Noah was suddenly done with taking it slow.

Luke was thinking the exact same thing.

Somewhere between the flurry of turkey with all the fixings, and no less than 15 pies – the clinking of glasses quieted the clan. Luke stood at the end of the table.

"It's time for our thanks. This year we are going to pick the one thing in our lives for which we are most thankful. Just pick one – or else we will be here until Christmas."

Holden started. He was thankful for his family. Most of the thanks that followed were for the same things – family, health, good fortune. By the time Noah's turn came, he was nervous. He wasn't sure he should say it out loud – but it was what he was most thankful for. He didn't want to make people uncomfortable – but he wanted to say it out loud so God was sure to hear it. He swallowed and looked at Luke for reassurance. Just say it – his people are your people now – just like Ruth and Naomi. Noah wasn't sure why he was suddenly thinking about biblical texts – but be took it as a sign that he was safe to express what was in his heart.

Noah swallowed the lump in his throat and kept his eyes on Luke. "I'm thankful to have you in my life. I love you, Luke Snyder."

Luke literally beamed.

Ten more generic thanks followed before it was finally Luke's turn. Noah's heart pounded in his chest in anticipation. He wanted to hear it – more than he had ever wanted to hear anything. He wanted Luke to declare his love to a room full of his family. He wasn't sure why – but Noah knew his heart would break if Luke didn't say it. Part of Noah felt undeserving – which only made him need it more. He saw Luke turn to face him – his eyes round and glassy. Luke's whole face was a smile.

"I don't mean to steal your thunder, Noah. You did have the most original "thanks' after all…but I'm most thankful to have you in my life – to have you to love, and that you love me back."

Then Luke did something that Noah did not expect. He stepped away from his seat at the table, walked to Noah, grabbed his hand and pulled him into a kiss that reinforced the truth of his words.

A room full of Snyder's applauded enthusiastically.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

They leaned against Noah's car – Luke's body resting on top of Noah's – Noah's back being cooled by the metal of the driver's door. Luke's hands were underneath Noah's jacket to stay warm from the heat of Noah's body. Noah's arms circled around Luke, holding him as close as possible. They kissed slowly – softly – gratefully.

After several minutes of their lazy make-out session in the chilled November air, Luke buried his cold nose into Noah's neck. "Thank you for coming."

"Thank you for inviting me." Noah said in a sincere tone.

Luke looked up from his warm spot so he could look into Noah's eyes. "Would you like to come up for coffee?" Luke smirked.

Noah caught on right away. "Coffee?"

Luke grinned, "Mmmm Hmmmmm…coffee."

It was Noah's turn to smirk, "Coffee as in the hot, brown liquid that will keep me up all night, or 'coffee' (he used his fingers to make air-quotes) as in something hot and hard that I'll want to lick?"

"That second one will keep you up all night, too." Luke literally growled.

Noah placed his lips next to Luke's ear and spoke with deliberate gushes of hot breath, "What happened to taking things slow?"

Luke moaned before pulling back and nibbling along Noah's jaw bone. "It's been over two months, Noah. Don't you think that's slow enough?"

"So you want to go faster?" Noah growled into Luke's open mouth before dipping his tongue into the wet heat.

"Eventually - harder too."

"Ohgodletsgo…" Noah pushed Luke off of him and pulled him toward the barn's door.

"Luke Snyder?"

Both men turned toward the deep voice that came from behind them. Luke stepped forward, "That's me. Can I help you with something?"

The short, fat man handed Luke an envelope, "You've been served – happy Thanksgiving."

"Served?" Luke asked the man who was already back to the car he came in – a car driven by another man who looked vaguely familiar.

"Oh shit." Noah said from behind Luke's left shoulder.

Luke watched the men drive away, "What…"

"The guy driving is my dad's house manager."

Luke spun around in a panic. "WHAT!"

"I know – open the fucking envelope, Luke."

"Shitshitshitshitshit…" Luke ripped open the envelope and his face drained of all color as he read the paper inside.

"What is it?" Noah asked impatiently.

Luke's body slumped. He smashed the paper into Noah's chest and walked away. Noah opened the now crumpled paper and was shocked by what he read. He's suing Luke? Noah followed Luke into the barn and found him sitting at the bottom of the stairs that led up to his room.

"He can't win this, Luke." Noah knelt in front of his frazzled boyfriend.

"He said I killed his horses…"

"Luke. He can't win this. It's been over a year since you worked for him – there's no validity to this claim." Noah tried to reassure.

"He said I killed them, Noah. Don't you get it? His horses…all of them…are dead." Luke couldn't stop himself from crying.

Noah was ashamed to admit that he didn't even think about the horses – his only concern was Luke. "Shit."

"Do you think he killed them?" Luke asked – his giant, sad eyes almost begging for a different explanation.

"I don't know, Baby." Noah sighed.

"Did you read it? $150,000. He's suing me for one-hundred-and-fifty-fucking-thousand-dollars. And those beautiful horses are dead. What the fuck is wrong with your father?"

"I'm so sorry. Luke, I'm so, so sorry." Noah crawled up a step to sit next to Luke. He put a protective arm around him, "There's no way he can win this."

Luke rolled his eyes and looked at the ceiling, "It's not about winning the lawsuit. It's about winning this – he knows I don't have it and he knows I don't have money for a lawyer. Just going through a court battle will break me, Noah. This is how he bargains."

"I'll go talk to him." Noah kissed Luke's temple.

"Of course you will. That's what he wants." Luke said bitterly. "And when you get there he's going to tell you exactly what you need to do to put the breaks on it."

"Whatever it takes…"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Luke stood so Noah wasn't touching him. "He's going to tell you to leave me, Noah. I'm not willing to sacrifice us – are you?"

"Luke, it's your family were talking about. It's everything you've worked for…"

"So it's that easy? Your dad threatens with his flashy lawyer letter, and you're willing to just throw us away?" Luke asked in a broken voice.

Noah had promised himself that he would never do anything that would cause that voice to come out of Luke's beautiful mouth ever again. "I didn't say it was easy and I didn't say I was wiling to throw us away. But – Luke – I WILL NOT allow anything to happen to you and your family because of my controlling, bastard of a father."

"Noah – he killed his horses. He'll stop at nothing to get his way." Luke's voice shook.

"Maybe he hid them."

"How's he going to sue me for killing his horses if he doesn't have a record of their deaths? Negligent destruction of property – that's what he is accusing me of – he killed them."

"I just don't see how he can prove that you…"

"I need to be alone, Noah. I need to figure this out." Luke ran up the stairs and closed the door, a door that Noah can't remember ever being closed before - unless he was on the other side of it.

Noah sat at the bottom of the stairs. He needed to figure this out too. He knew Luke was right. When Noah confronted his father – and he fully intended to confront his father – he knew his father would make demands. Noah pulled his knees to his chest and rested his head on them. I can't believe this is happening. It was going so well. We were almost back. Noah thought about Luke. Of all people – Luke was least deserving of this. Luke was so good – from the tip of his toes to the ends of the hair on his head – every bit of him was good. Noah never met anyone like Luke Snyder and he felt so fucking lucky that this amazing, wonderful man loved such a flawed mess like him. I'm not willing to give you up, Luke. But I am willing to fight like hell for you.

Luke laid on his back, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what to do. He heard Noah's car start and he closed his eyes and concentrated on quieting the heartache. He's on his way. Please don't try to fix this, Noah. I can't loose you again. Luke searched his mind – do I know any lawyers? Luke knew Noah was right – there was no way Winston could win this lawsuit. But how much would it cost? How long could Winston's legal team drag it out? I could sue him back – but I won't have any money left – or a home for that matter. How am I going to sue him back? "FUCK!"

Luke closed his eyes and took a deep breath to stave off the tears. He killed those beautiful horses.

Noah sat in his car for a long time – just looking at the front of the ridiculously obscene monstrosity of a house. Noah never felt so far removed from the life his father had built. It's like he spent his whole life trying to prove he is worthy of it – just to end up here – wanting nothing to do with it ever again. I can't believe how much this matters to him. None of this matters. None of it.

He stepped from his car and walked toward the gaudy front door – wondering what pissed his father off more – the fact that he has a gay son or the fact that his gay son was never trapped by the shiny penny. Noah felt the familiar rage boiling inside of him – only this time it was pointed in the right direction. It's over you son-of-a-bitch.

Noah pulled out the key he hadn't used in a-year-and-a-half. He walked through the immense ground floor until he reached the office in the back – it always smelled like leather. As he expected – his father sat smugly behind a giant mahogany desk. "Call it off, Dad."

"Noah. So good to see you - Thanksgiving was never our holiday. We'll have to start a new tradition."

"Call it off." Noah demanded with icy blue eyes to match an icy tone.

"Son. You're in no position to make demands. Lawyer's fees will clean him out in less than three weeks – I know – I've checked his assets."

"Why are you doing this? He's a good man."

Winston took a long sip of his premium scotch. "I don't like to lose."

Noah shook his head in disgust. "Either way you lose."

Winston chuckled. "How do you figure?"

"Call it off." Noah dug his fingernails into his palms.

"I'll call it off when you call it off." Winston said calmly.

"You don't get it…"

"Sir – you can't go in there…"

Winston and Noah both turned toward the voice behind them. A very nervous looking maid and a very angry looking Luke walked through the door.

"I'm sorry, sir – he just barged in." The maid apologized.

"Did you kill them?" Luke screamed.

Winston looked at the small woman, "It's fine, Gabby. You can go."

"Luke, what are you doing here?" Noah closed the distance between himself and Luke. He was surprised by how much stronger he felt once he could feel Luke's heat near him.

"I came to talk to your idiot father." Luke answered before he looked at Noah apologetically. "Sorry."

"Don't be – he is an idiot."

Luke faced Winston, "Did you kill them?"

"No – you did." Winston grinned.

"Oh my god – you did! You killed six horses. Why would you do that? What kind of man would kill six beautiful, innocent creatures just to get even with his son?"

"It was the only thing I could think of." Winston said without emotion. "It took a while though – I wanted it to look authentic, negligence takes time."

Luke leaned against Noah, his heart felt like it was being crushed in a vice. He felt Noah's arm on his waist, pulling him closer in a protective gesture. "I'm sorry that this man is your father, Noah."

"Me too." Noah said as he glared at his father.

"Like I care…" Winston looked indignant when Luke cut him off mid-sentence.

"My lawyer says you don't have a chance in hell. My pro bono lawyer - the one who is going to take you on for free. Nada. Nothing. And when he's done proving you fraudulently filed suit against me, he's going to sue your ass and make us all very wealthy."

Noah looked at Luke with something like awe.

"You got a pro bono lawyer? On Thanksgiving? In your dreams, kid. Nice try though."

"Oh – I forgot to mention that he's also my cousin's husband. We discussed it over pumpkin pie." Luke said in a cold, confident voice. "By the way, cruelty to animals is a criminal offense. We talked about that with our coffee."

Damn. Noah was impressed.

"I wonder how much press we can get to cover the counter suit." Noah said, deciding to follow Luke's lead. "I know we can get WOAK for sure. Did I mention that I got that job? Assistant Production Manager. I start a week after graduation." Noah talked to Luke as if it was just a regular day.

"Really? No! You didn't, congratulations, Noah. I bet you'll really impress them with a story like this."

"Yeah – media types LOVE to cover the crash and burn of a man's reputation. Especially if there is a criminal trial – a rich guy who tortures horses is bound to be a draw." Noah looked at his father as he spoke.

When Noah turned back to look at Luke he saw Luke's eyes were brimming with unshed tears. Shit. Torture may have been too much for him to hear. "Baby, I'm sorry. I love you." They shared a reassuring kiss because they both needed it – the fact that it pissed off Winston even more was just a bonus.

Noah again turned to face his furious father. "You should really think about reconsidering."

"I think you two should leave." Winston's face was red and he wasn't looking so smug.

"I'll expect the dismissal letter on Monday." Luke said before turning to leave.

Noah looked at his father for a few seconds before shaking his head, "You're such a disappointment."

Luke was almost to his truck when he heard Noah running behind him.

"Luke! Wait up." Noah caught him by the shoulder. "Where are you going?"

"Home."

"You weren't going to wait for me?" Noah asked sadly.

"I figured you would want to be alone after…"

"You're wrong." Noah said, stepping closer so he could brush hair from Luke's face. "Can you give me a lift?"

"You have your car here." Luke looked confused.

"I don't want his fucking car." Noah tossed the keys into the bushes.

Luke smiled. "Do you want to drive?" He held his keys in front of Noah's face playfully.

Noah took Luke's keys and smiled. "You don't really have a lawyer, do you?"

"Nope." Luke laughed. "You don't really have a job, do you?"

"Nope." Noah said. "But I do have an interview."

Luke laughed the laugh that Noah can't get enough of. "Do you think it will work?" He asked Luke as they climbed into the truck..

"Probably not." Luke said without and hint of fear. He looked at Noah from across the cab. "I don't care. Let him do it. I'll figure it out."

"Why are you suddenly so happy. It's like this doesn't bother you." Noah sat with the truck idling, looking at Luke, and waiting for an explanation.

"I am happy." Luke explained. "You didn't cave."

"You thought I would?"

"That's been my only experience…"

"That was then..." Noah reached across the cab and used one hand to grab Luke by the back of the neck. Noah pulled Luke into a hard, breathy, controlling kiss. When he finally pulled them apart so they could rest their heads together to catch their breath with closed eyes and flushed faces, Noah spoke in a tone that dripped with confidence. "…this is now."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

When they pulled in front of the barn, the cab filled with excruciatingly loud silence. It was hard to comprehend what had just happened. It seemed unreal – not plausible. If they hadn't experienced it – neither of them would believe it. They were both lost in thoughts – the same thoughts as a matter of fact.

How did he pull it off? What did he do to his horses? What kind of lawyer would take on this kind of thing?

What will he do next?

Noah was the first to break the silence. "I guess I should have checked with you before I drove us here. I understand if you just want to be alone. You can drop me off at the dorm or I could just borrow your truck and bring it back in the morning."

Luke stared at his boyfriend curiously. "I don't know about you, but I still want some coffee."

"Even after what my father just…"

"ESPECIALLY after what your father just did - I'm angry…and so sad about the horses. I loved those horses…"

"I know you did." Noah slid across the seat so he could touch Luke's cheek.

Luke slipped his hand underneath Noah's jacket to slide his palm across the hard curves of Noah's chest. "I don't want to give him this, Noah. I don't want him to win – not even a little. I want you in my bed. I want to spend the whole night showing you how thankful I am that you're mine…naked…and sweaty."

Noah's fingers gently stroked Luke's stubble covered face. "Luke – we've taken our time to get this right. I don't want it to be about revenge or proving a point or getting even…"

"It's not about any of that. It's about me and you and the way we feel about each other. It's about not letting him get in our way." Luke crawled on Noah's lap, straddling him. "Please don't blame yourself. Don't. Please."

Luke kissed him senseless. "What's the matter – you don't want coffee anymore?"

"I do want coffee. I've never wanted coffee more in my entire life than I do right now. Your coffee…I want your coffee. I've missed your coffee. Fuck, Luke, you have the best fucking coffee."

"I've missed your coffee, too."

Noah suddenly looked heartsick. "Everyone's had my coffee…"

"Hey!" Luke forced Noah to look at him. "You're not allowed to beat yourself up tonight."

"I'm just so…I just wish I would have been more…" Noah struggled with words. "I think I was just chasing the feeling I get when I'm with you. I wanted to believe that you were nothing special – that I didn't just give up the best thing that ever happened to me. So I tried to find it somewhere else so I could prove that I didn't need it…need you."

"What did you find?" Luke asked.

"Nothing." Noah's hands found their way underneath Luke's sweater – suddenly needing to feel his warm skin. "All I found was this ache for you, I always felt so empty after…"

"Empty's not good…" Luke leaned forward and kissed Noah, parting his lips like an invitation. "Let's get inside, Noah, so I can fill you up."

Noah gently pushed Luke away, suddenly very serious. "Why do you want me?"

"Because, I love you."

"But after everything I did to you – and everyone I did to forget you - and today my dad…"

"Shhhhhh." Luke pulled their bodies flush despite how uncomfortable that was for his legs, and held Noah in a tight embrace. "We all have our shit to deal with Noah. I'm not going to lose the love of my life because you got lost for a while. You found your way back and today we kicked ass! Together!"

Noah smiled into Luke's neck, "We did, didn't we?"

"We did." Luke sighed. "I'm keeping you, Noah."

"You say it like I have no choice." Noah observed.

Luke wasn't sure how to take it. "You always have a choice.."

Noah shook his head while his face was buried in Luke's neck. "No. I don't. Not when it comes to you."

"Is my coffee that good?" Luke tried to lighten the mood.

Noah looked up from his little nest in Luke's neck so he could peer into those pools of golden-brown and felt that bursting feeling that comes from sudden appreciation. "Everything about you is that good, Baby."

Luke crashed their mouths together in a needy kiss. "Can we please go inside now? I really, really need to get you inside…"

"You need me inside?" Noah sultry innuendo was more of a moan as pulled on Luke's belt loops until their groins were grinding together. Noah could feel the heat of their erections crushing together through two layers of denim. He also felt something hard and square pressing into his hip bone. "Ouch!"

Luke was panting with his eyes closed. "What…"

"What's this – it hurts." Noah felt the offending object with his fingers through Luke's jeans.

Luke looked down to see what Noah was talking about. "OH! I forgot about that." He pulled a small tape recorder out of his pocket and tossed it onto the dash. "That's just in case our bluff doesn't work."

Noah smiled. "You didn't?"

"I did."

"I love you so fucking much." Noah pushed Luke off of his lap and crawled out of the truck. He pulled Luke out from the same door and pulled them together in a crushing embrace. "I need you inside…"

"FINALLY!"

Luke's feet were barely touching the ground as he tried to walk backwards. He was glad that Noah was steering because most of Luke's attention was concentrated on the kiss. Noah's arms were tight around Luke's waist while Luke's fingers curled around Noah's neck. Their lips were secondary to the kiss – it was all about their tongues which were fighting to stay connected as they stumbled up the stairs.

Luke didn't know how he got there when he felt his bed hit the back of his knees – he was still lost in the wet slide of the kiss. The sudden stop brought Luke out of his tongue centered tunnel vision so he could notice more of the details. "Noah – Baby – you're shaking."

When Luke opened his eyes he saw it – Noah was freaking out. To Luke it looked like Noah wasn't even in the room. Seeing that look on Noah's face caused him instant heartache. When can we get off of this fucking roller coaster? He grabbed Noah's hands and squeezed, trying to get his attention. Noah's eyes darted to Luke's face and he slowly gained focus.

"Noah?" Luke tried not to sound devastated. This isn't going to end well. "Baby, what's wrong?"

Noah wasn't sure how to answer. He was caught between a love so deep he felt as if he were drowning in it and an overwhelming guilt. They had been apart longer than they had been together. Noah had had more sex with virtual strangers over in the last year than he had ever had with Luke during their 6-month relationship. He had used Luke over and over again. The last time he and Luke had been together, Noah had made a point to leave him feeling empty and worthless. His own father was trying to destroy everything Luke had worked so hard to keep together. I can't do this with him.

Noah needed to get out of Luke's room – out of Luke's life.

Noah needed to run.

Luke felt like he was watching a movie playing in the dark centers of Noah's blue eyes. He saw it happening and he wasn't giving up without a fight. There was no way he was letting Noah run away again. No fucking way. "Noah!"

Hearing Luke yell brought Noah out of his downward spiral. He once again focused on Luke's face. "Luke…I can't…"

"Yes – Noah – you can." Luke demanded. He grabbed Noah's head and forced him to look into his eyes. "What you can't do is leave."

"But…"

"Damn it, Noah! Shut the fuck up and turn your fucking brain off for five minutes. I don't care about your fucking father. I don't care if you didn't handle yourself perfectly when you needed time to figure out your shit. I don't care how many stupid guys you fucked to try to convince yourself that you didn't want this…with me." He kissed Noah forcefully, holding his head firmly between his hands until he felt Noah give in to the kiss. That's it, Baby. Stop running.

Noah rested his forehead on Luke's – his eyes were closed. "I just don't want to mess this up again. I've hurt you enough. I love you Luke, but…"

"Stop." Luke interrupted. "Look at me."

Noah opened his eyes. He didn't move from his position, so he could only see Luke's eyes, which was all he needed to see.

"Please stop running every time there's a bump in the road…it's killing me, Noah. You said it yourself – that was then and this is now. Please – stay in the now with me, Babe. I love you so much. Do you get that, Noah? I – love – you." Luke felt like he was begging – but he didn't really care. All he cared about was that Noah be in this room with him in the morning.

Noah could feel himself letting go. He was surrounded by Luke – his touch, his smell, his heat, his voice telling him that he was lovable – Noah could feel himself giving in to the biggest part of him – the part of him that wanted to love Luke forever. Then the other part of him that knew he wasn't worth it – knew that Luke deserved so much more – knew that he had given up any right to be happy with such an incredible man – that part of him that was carefully crafted by his father snapped him out of his happily-ever-after fantasy.

Noah felt like he was falling apart. "Luke…I…"

Luke could see the tears – even from his close proximity to Noah's face. You can do this, Noah. Luke's fingers dug into Noah's scalp. Please open your heart and hear me. Believe me. Let me love you back.

"Noah." Luke took a deep breath and kissed Noah gently. "I'll take care of you, you're safe, and you're worth it."

Noah's breath hitched from the magnitude of understanding. He got it immediately and felt the weight of his emotional burden slide away. Hearing those words took Noah back to the first night he stepped into the barn. Luke told him about Juniper. She was so damaged when he found her and he made her that same promise. I'll take care of you, you're safe, and you're worth it. And he did. Luke didn't let Juniper down no matter how scared she was. She challenged him with bruising kicks and painful bites and a few good episodes of bucking that sent Luke flying – but he never gave up on her – until she tested him enough to trust him.

Luke made the same promise to him on that first night in the barn. He said those words out loud - I'll take care of you, you're safe, and you're worth it – and then Luke showed him what making-love really means. Noah realized that Luke made a promise to him that night – a promise that he kept no matter how many times Noah tested him with swift kicks and painful bites. He realized that Luke knew every single one of Noah's sensitive scars and he loved him anyway.

Just like Juniper.

"Be careful on her shoulder – there's a scar that's really sensitive."

"Oh. Um. Maybe you should do this side then – since you're familiar with her sensitive scars."

"You know all about sensitive scars, Noah – I know you'll be careful with her."

Noah suddenly couldn't stop himself from giggling.

"What?" Luke smiled, feeling relieved that something had shifted.

"Nothing. I'm just…" I'm not as smart as your horse. "…I'm just so sorry."

"Your mood swings are really starting to piss me off, Babe." Luke made sure to smile when he said it.

"I know. I'm sorry. I think I've made a breakthrough though." Noah said before giving Luke a quick kiss. "I promise that I will take better care of you, Luke. I promise that I'll be safe for you – safer than I have ever been before. You are worth all of me, Luke. All of me. I love you."

"I love you back." Luke smiled into Noah's cheek. "Does that mean we can get off of this crazy roller coaster?"

"I can't guarantee there won't be a few more bumps along the way – I'm pretty fucked up apparently." Noah's hands were no longer shaking as they slipped underneath Luke's sweater.

Luke's fingers scratched Noah's scalp while he kissed him. "Bumps we can handle. It's those loopy-loops that really suck."

"Yeah – upside down isn't good."

"Well…sometimes upside down is good." Luke growled with a crooked grin.

Noah's hand skimmed the skin of Luke's back. "Oh yeah? When?"

"As soon as we get naked – I'll show you."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Noah woke up one sense at a time. His body felt heavy. The soft sheets and layers of quilts weighed him down even more. He was warm - almost hot - and very, very comfortable. He still throbbed in places that told him last night was not just another dream - it was real. He struggled to open his groggy eyes to look at the man sleeping next to him, but his eyelids weren't cooperating. He took a deep breath - savoring the smell of Luke - his room, his skin, his sweat, his sex - in that moment Noah felt certain that his sense of smell was his favorite of them all. He rolled a little to the left and found himself touching the warm skin of his man from head to toe. He nuzzled into the back of Luke's neck and wrapped himself around his body and sighed. He decided to stop trying to fight his exhaustion and succumb to sleep again. He held tight to Luke - almost afraid that if he let go, the next time he woke up he would be alone and it would all be just another dream of what he could never have again.

As he drifted back to sleep with the steady rhythm of Luke's breathing providing his lullaby, Noah's mind replayed the events of the previous night. The intensity of the ups and downs - between the togetherness of the family dinner and the shock of his father's threats and then the high that came from fighting him together - Noah felt dizzy. Then there was the way Luke held him steady when he started to spin out of control - patiently refusing not to give up on him - not to give up on them. It was the memory of what came next that Noah took with him into the deep sleep that allowed him to relive it all over, again.

"Let me do it." Luke slapped Noah's hands away.

Noah smiled. "You want to take my clothes off of me?"

Luke didn't answer - he simply removed Noah's shirt, slowly. His hands felt hot, burning a trail of fire from Noah's neck down his chest, around his waist until they slipped beneath the waistband of Noah's pants and boxers. Luke grabbed two hands full of Noah's ass. "I love your fucking ass, Noah."

Those six words - spoken in the sexy huskiness of Luke's aroused voice - were all Noah needed to shed any remaining insecurity or guilt. "I love your fucking everything..."

"Oh yeah?" Luke squeezed Noah's ass - pulling his cheeks apart and sliding his thumbs across Noah's throbbing hole. "I want you."

"Oh god, Luke." Noah pulled Luke's arms away so he could pull his sweater over his head. "I want you, too." He pulled Luke forcefully until their bare chests were crushed together. "Now."

Luke's fingers were suddenly fumbling to get Noah's pants undone and off as quickly as possible. "Off, off ,off, off..."

"Yes. Off. Now. You too. Off." Noah pushed Luke back until he fell onto the bed. Noah grabbed Luke's jeans by the belt loops and pulled them off. They got stuck on Luke's shoes and Noah gracelessly pulled Luke's shoes from his feet as they were tangled up in denim. "Fuck!"

After he finally managed to get Luke fully exposed, Noah toed off his shoes and stripped himself of his own jeans before climbing on top of Luke and plundering his mouth with his needy tongue. Noah's hips were on autopilot. "You feel so good. So so good. I've missed this so much."

Noah was on a mission to satisfy his need. He needed to touch. He needed to taste. He needed to feel. He had denied himself of this man for too long and he - just - needed. He latched on to Luke's neck - biting and sucking and tasting the skin that he should have never left behind. "Mine...mineminemineminemine..." He mumbled as he marked his man - leaving a trail of darkening bruises and red bite marks from neck to hip. "So beautiful." Noah whispered into the silky flesh of Luke's leaking erection. The words and heat of Noah's breath caused Luke's cock to twitch.

"Luke..." Noah said before diving between Luke's legs to lick a hot stripe from Luke's balls - along the sensitive underside of his painfully hard cock - until he lapped up the pre-come that collected in the slit. Noah took the tip into his mouth and sucked while swirling his tongue around the ridge. He smiled around the velvety cock when he heard Luke's moan with his back arched and head thrown back into his pillows. He swallowed before taking Luke deep into his throat - his heart felt like it was bursting with the heat and weight and texture.

"Noah...god...Noah...feels so good. So good." Luke voice cracked from emotion.

Hearing the emotion coming from his boyfriend sent Noah over the edge. He pulled himself away from Luke's dick and lunged for his lips. Luke opened his mouth obscenely wide to take as much of Noah into his mouth as humanly possible. Noah's body responded to this display of want and lust with alarming speed. He flipped them until Luke was on top of him, spreading his legs to signal his need.

"What do you want, Baby? Anything you want. I'll do anything..." Luke growled into Noah's neck between his own efforts to mark his man. MINE!

"You know what I want." Noah pulled Luke's hair which simultaneously pushed his face into the flesh of his neck. "Suck on me - Luke. Make me yours. I want everyone to know I belong to you."

"You ARE mine, Noah. You got that?" Luke sucked hard on Noah's throat. "Mine." He moved to bite, suck, and lick Noah's collarbone. "Mine." Luke sucked very, very hard on Noah's nipple.

"Oh shit!" Noah moaned at the deliriously pleasurable pain Luke was inflicting on his body. "Luke. Please."

"Tell me. Say it." Luke demanded as he moved his teeth to Noah's other nipple.

"Please. Luke." Noah handed Luke a condom and lube, though he wasn't clear on where he had found them. "Need you..."

"Need me where?" Luke continued to tease his flushed lover - who was now squirming beneath him. "Say it."

"Luke!" Noah's eyes were closed, his breathing erratic. "Please fuck me. Please. Fuck. Me."

"That's what I wanted to hear." Luke hovered above Noah's body, his mouth resting on Noah's parted lips as he spoke. "Put it on me."

Noah ripped the condom open with his teeth and quickly - clumsily - rolled it onto Luke's cock. "God, Luke, you're so fucking hard." Noah said as he covered Luke's cock with lube.

"Lucky you." Luke said before spreading Noah wide. His slick fingers slipped between Noah's parted cheeks.

"No. Just do it. I want you. Inside. Now." Noah's dark eyes demanded.

"But..."

"Luke."

Luke saw it. Noah needed it - needed him. The sudden intrusion of Luke's large cock was exactly what Noah wanted - the big burn, the stretch - the pain that would eventually fade into pleasure.

Luke gave him what he wanted - and almost came immediately from the tight grip of Noah's ass clenching around him. "Fuck. Noah. So. Tight. Won't. Last. Long." Luke's voice was strained from the effort of holding back his orgasm.

Noah's eyes were closed and his face in a tight grimace. "S'ok. Fuck. Me."

"Givemeaminute..." Luke groaned.

Noah didn't want to wait. He just wanted to feel. Part of him wanted the pain to last - he wanted Luke to hurt him. He felt like he deserved it for everything he had done.

"Look at me." Luke demanded when he saw Noah retreating. "Noah - open your eyes and look at me."

Noah heard Luke's demanding voice and obediently opened his eyes. He knew that the man behind those brown eyes was incapable of hurting him - even if he asked for it.

"Relax, baby. Relax so I can fuck you." Luke kissed Noah softly. "I will not use my body to punish you - and I won't let you use my body to punish you, either."

Noah could feel the sting of tears. "Luke..."

"Shhhhhhh. Relax." Luke kissed him again.

Noah felt his body relaxing as he kissed Luke back.

"That's it, Baby." Luke leaned closer to whisper with heated breath into Noah's ear. "Now." Luke pulled out of Noah almost completely and thrust himself back in until his balls slapped Noah's ass. "Now - I'll fuck you."

Luke wrapped his fingers around the base of Noah's cock. "I'm going to fuck you - but you're not going to come."

Noah's eyes flew open in confusion. He was going to ask Luke what the fuck he was doing - but when he felt Luke's dick slamming into his ass - he couldn't speak. The sensation of Luke's perfect aim on his prostate - his hard, fast fucking to hit it over and over - and his fist wrapped tightly around the base of his cock was so intense. So fucking good. Noah heard the sound of his voice - making sounds that he had never heard himself make before. He could feel Luke getting close - so close. "Wanttocomewithyou..."

Luke tightened his grip and continued his hard, pounding rhythm. "Feels so good, Noah. So. fucking. good. I'm. coming. Baby."

Noah felt Luke's cock pulsing inside of him, filling the condom as he came hard. Noah's balls ached from his own need to release. "Luke..."

Luke kept his tight hold of Noah's cock, keeping his body off of the straining erection as he pulled out and fell to the side of Noah's over heated body. "I love you, Noah."

"Luke..."

"Don't worry, Babe. We're not done." Luke growled into Noah's ear.

"Luke..." Noah was having trouble forming sentences.

"I want you deep inside of me when you come, Noah."

Oh shit. Noah hoped he could deliver.

"I'm going to let go - can you hold off? I want you buried inside of me, Noah."

Noah nodded - hoping he wasn't lying.

"Deep. Noah. Deep. That's what I want. It doesn't have to be fast. It doesn't have to be hard. Just...deep deep deep deep..." Luke voice was shaky again.

Noah understood that this had meaning to Luke - deep was symbolic - he just wasn't really clear on what the symbolism was. He did know that he wanted to give Luke exactly what he needed - perfectly. He felt Luke's hand loosen his grip and Noah concentrated on controlling his own need for orgasm. He breathed deeply and stilled himself.

Luke adjusted himself next to Noah, settling on his stomach and lifting his ass in the air - opening himself up to deep penetration by pulling his cheeks apart. Luke's head rested against the mattress - causing his back to arch in cat-like fashion and angling his body to allow for the deep that he craved. "Please..."

Noah could not refuse this man. He raised himself on his fucked out, weak legs after reaching for another condom and finding the lube under a pillow. Noah was breathless at the sight of Luke. His body arched - his ass angled in a way that made Noah drool a little. Luke held his cheeks apart to give Noah the most access and allow for a deep slide into the pure bliss of Luke's hot channel. The sight of it - Luke's complete trust - caused Noah's heart to leap into his throat.

"Luke. You're so fucking beautiful." Noah's hands massaged Luke's firm, round, fleshy mounds.

Luke let go of his ass cheeks when Noah took control of his body and he gripped the pillow above his head in anticipation of the deep slide. What he felt instead was wet, hot tongue sliding from his balls to his pucker. "Ohmygod..."

Noah carefully lubricated his sheathed cock while he buried his face in Luke's ass - slipping his tongue beyond Luke's tight hole - deep.

"So good - Noah - fuck..."

Noah moaned his pleasure into Luke's ass as he savored the sensation of eating Luke's ass. So fucking good.

Luke's hips swirled with pleasure - grinding himself into Noah's face to get more of the feeling of Noah giving pleasure without an agenda. "Noah...love...you..."

Noah heard Luke's declaration and he couldn't wait any longer. He reluctantly pulled himself from Luke's hot crevasse. He positioned himself behind Luke, placed his hard cock at Luke's tight entrance and watched in awe as it slowly disappeared inside of Luke's body. He didn't stop until his dark curls were flattened against the darkened flesh of Luke's wide open ass. He could feel Luke pushing back - trying to deepen the penetration. Noah slid his hands across Luke's hips and lower back. He touched Luke's spine and ribs and sides and shoulders and felt himself deep inside of his man's body. He felt Luke pushing, pushing, pushing - not fucking - just pushing to get more of Noah inside.

Noah can't remember ever being this deep inside of anyone. Yet - he still felt so far away from Luke. He need more connection. He needed more intimacy. He didn't care if it made him seem less of a man or not - he needed to show Luke how much he loved him - needed him - appreciated him. Noah suddenly got it. He understood Luke's need. Noah grabbed onto Luke's shoulders and pulled his body up, until Luke was sitting on Noah's lap - thighs resting on thighs; ass resting on groin; touching from curled toes to bended knee to hard cock buried in hot, tight ass; back to chest; face buried in neck - deep and close.

Luke's head fell back onto Noah's shoulder, exposing his neck to Noah's teeth. Noah's hands roamed the skin and hair of Luke's chest, one roaming down to stroke Luke's leaking erection - the other roaming over the hard muscles of Luke's chest. One of Luke's hands gripped a fist full of dark hair, the other gripped Noah's thigh in a bruising hold.

They moved slowly - deliberately - focused on the deep. They were no longer in a hurry - this wasn't about the white lights and screaming - this wasn't about the harder and the faster - no, this was about connection, depth, feeling and paying attention how fucking lucky they were.

Noah let go in a way he never had before. He let himself say everything in his heart - without any concern about sounding weak or vulnerable. "Feel me, Luke. Can you feel me? I am so fucking deep inside of you. Just like you wanted. I have never felt anything like this, Luke. So much love. So much connection. I love you. Luke, I love you so much. Feel me - deep, so so deep - feel me touching you , stroking you, pleasuring you. This is all I want, Luke. You are all I want. You are all I need. I have never, ever felt for anyone what I feel for you. This - this right here - this deep and slow - this love and lust - this connection - joy - this is just for you - just for us. No one else - just us. I love you. Luke, I love you."

As Noah's words filled the room - filled Luke's heart - Luke's body responded. He moved his hips a little faster and a little harder. By the time Noah finished his declarations of love and commitment - Luke was close to the sweetest release he ever experienced. With one loud, screaming sobbing moan - Luke came in hot ribbons that covered Noah's hand and splattered onto Luke's thighs and tummy. He felt Noah coming inside of him at almost the exact, same second and Luke was sure he had never felt anything so good in his life.

They stayed like that for several minutes, Noah holding Luke tight, kissing his neck and shoulders gently. Luke rested his head against Noah's shoulder as he steadied his breathing and savored the sensation of Noah shrinking inside of him.

Noah gently leaned onto his side, taking Luke with him until they were in a spooning position. He nuzzled into Luke's sweaty hair. "I love you, Luke." He kissed the back of Luke's neck and moved to go to the bathroom. He had to pee and he wanted to grab a towel to clean them up. He felt Luke's body stiffen as he moved. Shit. He thinks I'm leaving. Noah laid back down, pulling their bodies together in a tightly fitted spoon. Luke's body relaxed and leaned into him until they were impossibly close. I can pee later.

The next time Noah woke, the early morning light filtered into Luke's room. Noah stretched his achey muscles and reached for his lover - wondering how they ended up separated after he had tangled himself up in Luke earlier. He soon realized that they were separated by more than just a few inches - Luke was not in bed at all. He sat up and looked around the room, scratching his head the way he always did in the morning. "Luke?"

Noah unburied himself from the piles of covers and stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself. Damn - I should have peed the first time I woke up. After what seemed like days - Noah finally unconsciously shook three times and flushed. Where's Luke? Noah found coffee waiting for him and a note leaning against the creamer.

Good Morning Love-of-my-Life!

I'm down in the kitchen getting all the leftovers reheated. You're not going to believe how fucking good leftover thanksgiving tastes on a sandwich. You have a big, fluffy towel waiting for you in the bathroom. I also left you a turtle neck. It's the biggest one I own - but if it's too small, I left you a scarf as a backup plan!

I love you. I love you so much. Waking up with you all over me makes me so fucking happy. My face hurts from smiling. Did I mention that I fucking love the shit out of you?

Shower fast and get your ass into the kitchen - I miss you.

Love,

The guy who wants to lick you...

Noah could feel his cheeks bubble up into an uncontrollable grin. How could I have given this up? Idiot. He made himself a cup of coffee and headed back to the bathroom. As he waited for the shower to heat up he took a good look in the mirror. His neck, chest and abdomen were covered in hickeys. Noah liked the way it looked - he was a marked man, he belonged to Luke. I wonder how marked up he is.

After a long, hot shower Noah felt like a new man - or maybe he felt like a new man because of his night with Luke - reaffirming that he was worthy of being loved so completely. Probably the latter. Noah slid into the jeans he wore the day before and pulled Luke's turtle neck over his head. It was definitely too small.

"You look like a Sprocket." Luke said from the doorway.

Noah spun around and found Luke smirking at him, looking handsome in his blue turtleneck and faded black jeans. "Sprocket?"

"Yeah - you know - from Saturday Night Live - Mike Myers - The Sprockets?" Luke walked to his boyfriend as he spoke. He slid his fingers against the exposed skin between the hem of the too-small-turtleneck and the waistband of Noah's loose fitting jeans. His fingers lingered on the trial of dark hair leading to Noah's treasure.

"I didn't watch it then." Noah confessed. "I'm guessing this isn't a good look."

"Depends. For me - it's a good look. For the general public - not so much. Let's go with the scarf." Luke pulled the tight shirt off of Noah and took a few minutes to kiss and nibble on Noah's chest and neck - paying particular attention to Noah's nipples.

Noah sucked in a hissing gasp of air at the sensation of Luke's teeth on his sensitive nipples. "Are you sure you want to start something right now?"

"It's just a little foreplay for later..."

Noah grabbed a handful of Luke's hair, "If you keep that up - it won't be for later."

"Then you better cover up this gorgeous body of yours, because I am not responsible for my actions when you're all exposed and looking yummy."

They both smiled wide before crashing together in a deep, heated kiss.

When they walked into the kitchen, Holden was putting the last of the leftovers on the table. "KIDS! Come eat!"

"Did they ever get their lazy butts out of bed?" Luke asked his father.

"Yeah - only to plant themselves in front of the T.V." Holden griped.

"Dad - it's a holiday from school. It's kind of their job to be lazy today." Luke reasoned with his unusually grumpy father.

Holden sighed. "You're right. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me today..."

"You miss her." Luke interrupted with the painful truth.

Noah felt uncomfortable watching the private family moment unfold in front of him. He felt like he had no right to be there, seeing the man be vulnerable. He started backing out of the kitchen to give father and son some privacy.

"Noah." Holden's voice stopped Noah in his tracks. "I apparently miss my wife, which is making me act like a complete ass. I hope that doesn't scare you away - because it's really good to see you in this kitchen for breakfast again."

Noah wasn't sure how to respond. Honest men who share their feelings were never part of Noah's life experience. "I'm sorry, Holden."

"Thank you. Now go grab the brats and lets get to eating." Holden wheeled himself to his place at the table. "Luke - grab some drinks - will ya?"

Once they were all seated, Luke made a big display out of teaching Noah how to make the traditional Day-After-Thanksgiving-Sandwich. He swore that the order of ingredients could make it or break it. Noah was skeptical that a sandwich with turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and gravy could actually taste good. He tasted it anyway, just because he was feeling too happy to deny Luke anything.

He was surprised. "Oh my god! This is so good!"

"You doubted me?" Luke teased.

Faith giggled. "Haven't you ever had leftovers before?"

"I never really did Thanksgiving before..."

"What?" Faith didn't even try to hide her shock.

"Faith, everyone has different traditions. This wasn't one of Noah's." Luke explained.

"It is now." Faith said matter-of-factly. "From now on you're with us for Thanksgiving."

Noah looked at Luke playfully. "Looks like you're stuck with me."

"Why are you wearing your scarf inside the house?" Nat asked.

Noah's playful gaze turned into full blown panic. He swallowed hard trying to figure out how to explain.

"It's more for fashion than weather, Nat. I think it looks cool." Luke said to his baby sister.

"My teacher wears scarfs like that sometimes." Ethan said in a snotty tone, looking at Nat like she was the dumber than a box of rocks.

"I knew that." Nat spat back to her annoying brother.

"Did not."

"Did too."

"You've never even seen my teacher."

"Yes I have."

"No you haven't"

"HAVE TOO!"

"HAVE NOT!"

"Enough!" Holden silenced the table. "It doesn't matter why Noah is wearing a scarf - or where you brother found that ratty turtleneck for that matter. Just eat your sandwiches."

Noah's face turned a dark shade of red. Luke chuckled quietly.

"Subtle, Dad. Real subtle." Luke teased.

"That's what I was about to say to you two." Holden winked at Noah.

Luke laughed his infectious laugh. Noah just got redder.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Noah knew as soon as Luke suggested it, that it wasn't a good plan - AT ALL. Here he was, sitting at the same crowded bar he found himself in the year before, waiting for Luke to meet him after his shift at the diner. Noah was surprised when Luke said he had to work. Noah had assumed Luke had the long weekend off. I need to stop thinking like a privileged asshole. When Luke said he had to work for a few hours at the diner, Noah asked him to drop him off at the dorms so he could pack a few things for the weekend. They had decided the night before that Noah would stay at the farm for the long weekend. Luke suggested they meet at the bar at around 11 p.m. - which is why Noah now found himself sitting on a high stool trying to fight off the unwanted advances of one very persistent guy named Cliff.

"It's like fate - don't you think?" Cliff purred as he leaned into Noah at the bar.

"Fate?" Noah asked with a raised brow and a definite back-the-fuck-off tone.

"Yeah! Fate! It was last year around this time that I rocked your world in the parking lot of this very bar. It would seem almost tragic not to relive the magic."

You have got to be kidding me. "Magic? Cliff - I fucked you in a parking lot on Christmas Eve. What about that is magical?" Noah pushed Cliff away to gain some distance between them.

"Come on, Noah. It'll be fun! Do you still have that truck? I still have wet dreams about that fucking truck." Cliff tried his best to be seductive.

Noah wanted to laugh at the effort because the small man invading his space was really bad at what he was doing. It really came off as desperate and pitiful - a part of Noah felt a little bad for taking advantage of it when he was using him to try to deny his love for Luke.

"Cliff - dude - it's not happening tonight. I have a boyfriend and we are exclusive." Noah tried to be as kind as possible.

"Really? I don't see a boyfriend. You're in a bar on Thanksgiving weekend - that doesn't scream happy relationship to me." Cliff huffed while crowding Noah's body.

Noah felt strong hands skimming around his waist from behind and he knew who it was without looking. He felt warm breath against his cheek and relief washed over him when he heard the husky voice vibrate in his ear.

"I'm sorry I'm late, Baby. I missed you so much today!" Luke said before he kissed his lover's cheek - shooting golden-brown daggers at the annoying little piss-ant leaning against his boyfriend.

When Luke walked into the bar he saw his stunning man being aggressively hit-on by the little asshole who violated his truck a year earlier. He watched as Noah backed himself against the bar, trying to put distance between himself and he little weasel in front of him. Luke was not accustomed to feeling jealous - and he wasn't very comfortable with the foreign emotion simmering inside of him. When he saw that the annoying little man had no intention of backing down from his pathetic pursuit of Noah, Luke moved in to rescue him. He slipped his arms around the slender waist he loved to kiss and looked right at the little shit while he spoke with heated undertones into Noah's ear.

He could feel Noah's body relax. He spun around and kissed Luke gratefully. "Hey Baby..."

"It's really hot in here, Babe. Why are you wearing this scarf?" Luke said while he removed the scarf, revealing a neck full of love-bites.

Noah smiled knowingly at his clever lover. Why didn't I think of that? "Luke, do you remember Cliff? You met him last year when he helped me move some stuff to the dorm."

"Of course." Luke held out his hand politely. "Good to see you again, Cliff."

Cliff glared at Luke. "I remember you - I met you the day after your boyfriend fucked me in..."

"CLIFF!" Noah stood to tower over him, "Enough."

Luke pulled Noah back down onto the bar stool and whispered reassurances into his ear before turning to Cliff. "You have a couple of choices, Cliff. You can shut the fuck up and behave yourself so we can share a drink together live civilized people. Or, you can continue to be a pathetic fuck and take your drama somewhere else."

"Actually, Babe, I just want to go back to your place." Noah said before he leaned to kiss Luke's pursed lips. "I gotta pee and then we'll take off - be right back."

Luke and Cliff glared at each other. Neither willing to be the first to back down.

"You're not that special - everyone's had him." Cliff blurted out.

"Are you trying to shock me?" Luke said evenly.

"Wasn't it your truck?" Cliff gloated. "He fucked me in your truck - didn't he?"

"What's your point?" Luke concentrated on keeping himself even and neutral. He didn't want to give Cliff the satisfaction of knowing he was having an effect.

"No point." Cliff grinned.

Luke willed himself to remain calm - especially after he felt his face heating up. I will not let this little shit get to me. Luke saw Noah walking back from the bathroom and felt a rush of mixed emotions churning in his belly. Noah looked so incredibly beautiful - perfect - and he was his. Luke felt what he always feels when he sees his stunning boyfriend - I'm so fucking lucky - I can't believe he's mine.

"You can mark him up all you want - doesn't make him yours." Cliff hissed quietly so Noah wouldn't hear. "You'll never be enough for a guy like him."

Luke looked at Cliff with wide eyes that revealed the painful insecurity that he managed to hide well in his rigid body language and facial expression. His eyes darted from Cliff to Noah as he struggled to balance the sudden tilt in his universe. It's true. A guy like him couldn't possibly be satisfied with a guy like me...not for long anyway.

Noah leaned into Luke in a showy gesture for the sake of Cliff. He kissed Luke long and hard before pulling him off of his barstool. "Ready to head home, Babe?"

Luke wrapped his scarf around Noah's neck and pulled him into another kiss. "Let's go."

As they turned to leave, Cliff couldn't resist getting in a parting shot. "I'll see you around, Noah. You know how to find me."

Luke cringed.

They weren't even half way to the farm when Luke abruptly swerved the truck off the two-lane road. He drove a few hundred feet into a grassy field until hey were parked underneath the heavy branches of a large tree. He shut down the engine and lunged across the bench seat until his body was as flush with his boyfriend as the confined space would allow. Luke kissed Noah in a rough, hard smashing of lips - crashing teeth into teeth.

"Owe! Shit, Luke." Noah complained into Luke's open mouth.

Luke didn't back away, he continued to kiss while he spoke with a breathy, desperate voice. "Sorry, sorry...just need to kiss you."

"What are you doing, Luke?" Noah sounded annoyed.

Luke looked at Noah with dark, determined eyes. "Fuck me."

"What?" Noah held Luke by his shoulders at arms length. "Luke..."

"Noah - just shut up and fuck me." Luke spoke as he started to free himself from his jeans awkwardly in the cramped confines of the truck's cab.

Noah grabbed Luke's hands and pulled Luke forcefully until their faces were inches apart. "I'm not going to fuck you, Luke. So stop it!" Noah watched as Luke's eyes brimmed with unshed tears. What the fuck is going on?

"Why not? Am I not good enough to fuck in my OWN FUCKING TRUCK?" Luke screamed.

"Luke - what is WRONG with you?" Noah was still holding on to Luke's wrists, his grip tightening with every angry word. Stay calm, Noah.

"Nothing is wrong with me, NOAH! What's wrong with me wanting my boyfriend to fuck me? You've fucked everyone else - so what's the fucking problem?" Luke wanted to take it all back before he had even finished speaking. "Shit."

"Is that what this is about? Are you going to go out of your way to make me feel like a man-whore EVERY time you run into some random guy I messed around with? Huh?" Noah's could feel his face heat up with rage. He didn't even recognized the maniac in front of him. Suddenly his fingers burned where he was gripping Luke's wrists. He pulled his hands away and shoved Luke back in the process. "Fuck you, Luke."

"Noah..." Luke's voice was calmer and full of remorse.

"No. Shut up. I don't want to hear your voice - I don't want to even look at you. Just...just fuck off." Noah opened his door and jumped from the truck. He slammed the door - hard - before walking away.

Luke noticed that he was walking in the opposite direction of the farm. Shit. He sat in the truck for what felt like hours - unable to function enough to drive. I can't believe I just did that. Luke had never - ever - been the jealous type. What was that about? How could I treat him like that?

We just got our shit together.

Last night was so perfect. Beautiful. Special.

What have I done?

Luke started the engine, made a slow u-turn and slowly drove to find Noah.

Noah wasn't paying attention. His feet were propelling him forward on instinct alone, because Noah was not in charge of them. He was too busy giving himself a mental ass-kicking. After everything he had done over the last year. The mixed messages, the rejection, the flaunting of conquests - Noah knew he had been selfish and cruel. He also knew that Luke had been nothing but patient and kind and loving. Luke had given him so much unconditional love and respect while taking so many emotional punches without ever hitting back. And the one time he acts out on his own insecurities - well founded insecurities - I walk away and leave him to lick his wounds alone. I'm such an asshole.

Noah heard the crunch of gravel underneath wheels and saw the glow if headlights behind him. He turned around just as Luke's truck came to a stop. He watched as Luke opened his door and stepped from the truck as if it were on fire. Before Noah could process his thoughts - Luke's body had slammed into his - strong arms were wrapped around him and Luke's face was buried into his neck where he mumbled the same two words over and over again.

"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry..."

Noah held onto his man, his fingers buried themselves into the sandy hair that smelled like french fries and Luke. Noah brushed his lips across the skin of Luke's temple and closed his eyes as he sighed with relief. "Shhhhhh. Baby. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for."

Luke squeezed harder. "I didn't mean it - god, Noah - I didn't fucking mean it."

"I know. I know. Shhhhh." Noah whispered reassuringly.

Luke pulled back and looked into the azure hue of his future and couldn't stop himself from crying. "I've never been jealous before. I don't like it. It makes me mean."

Noah couldn't help chuckling. "You're human, Luke. Give yourself a break. After the way I treated you over the last year - you're allowed to have an irrational meltdown!"

"I'm sorry, Noah. So, so sorry."

Noah answered with a kiss. "Let's go home, Babe."

Luke's lips curled into a crooked smile. "You said it."

Noah cocked his head, confused. "Said what?"

Luke threw his arms around Noah's neck and held him close. Luke's eyes were wide with bittersweet relief as he sighed into Noah's neck. "Home."

"I did - didn't I..." I slipped.

The drive home was quiet. Luke drove with one hand on the wheel and one had firmly tangled with Noah's. "I love you, Noah." He kept his eyes on the road and squeezed Noah's hand.

Noah luxuriated in looking at his boyfriend. His handsome profile with full lips and unruly hair never ceased to cause a cage full of hummingbirds to wreak havoc in his belly. He lifted Luke's hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss on his palm. "I love you. too." You feel like home. Why does that scare me?

They were both naked and grinding against each other within five minutes of pulling up to the barn. The pile of quilts had been kicked to the floor at the end of the bed to clear the stage for their dance. Though they had only just begun to dance again the night before - their bodies were already moving together with perfect, practiced ease.

Noah opened himself to Luke with reassuring words sung to the beat of their lovemaking; I'm yours - only you - never felt like this until you - you - you.

Luke worshiped Noah's temple, leaving offerings at his alter in the form of whispered mantras through heated breath; so beautiful - so perfect - feels so good inside - made for me - for me.

When Noah woke, he felt the weight of Luke's head resting against his shoulder. One of Luke's legs was draped over Noah's hips and one arm was slung across his chest. Noah felt warm and safe and loved. He rolled into the pliant body next to him and kissed the sleep-warm skin of Luke's neck - smiling when he saw the two-day old love-bites. Luke's eyes fluttered open - bleary and unfocused. The honey-brown filled Noah in a way he was still trying to get used to.

"Good Morning." He whispered into Luke's sticky lips.

Luke buried his face into Noah's chest, breathing in the scent of last nights tango. "Mmmmmm."

Noah chuckled. "Too early for words?"

Luke smiled. "I don't think we've been asleep for more than an hour."

Noah thought Luke's rough morning voice was the sexiest thing he ever heard. He raised his head to look over the top of Luke's head, noting the time on the alarm clock that sat on the bedside table - next to the almost empty bottle of Luke's famous homemade lube. "Almost two hours, actually."

"Mmmmmm." Luke felt himself drifting.

"I'm not used to waking up with you. You're usually already running around like a bee-bee in a shoebox by now." Noah buried his nose into Luke's jungle-hair. "I could get used to this."

"Me too." Luke mumbled groggily. "You should just stay."

"That's the plan. You're stuck with me until Monday." Noah tightened his hold.

Luke opened his eyes and moved so that he could focus on Noah's face. "No. I mean you should STAY."

"What are you saying?" Noah felt nervous.

"I'm just thinking out loud. Even though we don't walk until May - we're both officially done with school in less than a month. You would be here for Christmas anyway - and then you would have to figure out where to live. So - why don't you stay? I was planning on starting the work on..."

"Luke..." Noah interrupted.

Luke just looked. Watching a range of emotions wash across Noah's blue in giant waves. He knew immediately that he had said too much, too soon. It's been all of 48-hours and I'm already smothering him again. Shit.

"You're right. Like I said - I was just thinking out loud. No biggie. We have plenty of time to hunt for apartments for you. We need to take our time and do it right - right? I mean, you may not ever want to..."

Luke..." Noah couldn't watch him back peddle. It hurt to much to watch him try to hide his pain. "I love you."

They didn't see a lot of each other for the rest of the day. Luke made pancakes before taking Holden's van in for some routine maintenance. Noah borrowed Luke's truck, dropping Faith off at a friend's house on his way to the library. Luke worked a shift at Java and a shift at the diner before coming home to take a quick shower before dinner. He walked into the kitchen, feeling a bit rushed because he was late getting started and knew Ethan would be cranky.

The aroma of steak and potatoes hit his nose long before he opened the screen door of the porch. Smells good. Did dad cook without me?

"Noah?"

Noah turned from the stove and smiled his chipmunk-vampire smile. "Hey!"

"You're cooking." Luke said skeptically.

"I am."

"Where's Dad?"

"Trying to put together E's new bike."

"Ethan has a new bike?"

"Yeah, I was messing around on Craig's List today at the library and this guy was giving away two brand new bikes. He said he got them for his kids and their step-dad ended up giving them bikes first so he just wanted to get rid of them. So - I snagged one for E. The only catch is that it's unassembled."

He looks so proud of himself. Luke was stunned. It felt like he was caving into himself with the weight of his emotions. He couldn't believe Noah had thought of his baby brother - like it was the most natural thing in the world. Makes it harder to let you leave. I want you to stay. Shit. "Noah. That's so thoughtful. E's needed a new bike for a long time." Luke crossed the kitchen in two giant steps and kissed his boyfriend gratefully. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet - you haven't tasted my cooking." Noah smirked.

Luke's chest filled with a rather pleasant heartache. He smiled brightly and reminded himself to be grateful for what he had. "You're all sexy when you're domesticated."

"You're all sexy when you breathe." Noah groaned softly into Luke's ear. "Set the table stud."

After dinner, Noah refused to let Luke help with the dishes. "You've been working all day - go relax - I'll catch up with you later." Noah was amused by the way Luke looked at him as if he wondered where his real boyfriend went.

"Thanks, Babe. I'm going to go for a walk."

Noah found him an hour later sitting with Juniper by the pond. He sat behind Luke and wrapped his arms and legs around his smaller boyfriend. "I thought I would find you out here."

"It's a nice night. Not too cold." Luke said in a far-away tone.

"Mmmmm Hmmmm" Noah sighed contently into the back of Luke's spotted neck. "How long do you think we'll have these hickeys?"

Luke chuckled. "Not sure. Nice cover though. Do you think Ethan and Nat bought the paint gun story?"

"I know Faith doesn't. I swear I thought she was going to shoot milk out of her nose!"

Luke laughed.

"There it is." Noah said before kissing Luke's happy cheek.

"What?"

"The laugh I love so much. I missed it." Noah said. "I'm selfish, Luke. You have a selfish boyfriend."

"No you're not." Luke smacked Noah's arm.

"I am. Well, I was. I'm tired of being selfish and I'm tired of being skittish and I'm tired of seeing your eyes fade into sad because of something I've done or said. I'm so lucky and from now on I'm going to make sure you know that."

Luke leaned into Noah's body and closed his eyes. "I love you."

They sat quietly for a while - holding on to each other and taking stock of what they had found in each other. Noah was the first to break the spell.

"I think this would be a good place for a sitting porch."

Luke looked up into Noah's eyes, he was upside down but still looked astonished. "You've been talking to my dad, I see."

"He dried, I put away - talking happens" Noah grinned. "He said you have floor plans hidden under your bed."

Luke smiled. "I was actually planning on a wrap around porch because..."

"That's perfect. There's just too much beauty out here - we should leave our 'gazing from the porch' options open." Noah smiled - not the chipmunk-vampire smile - this time smiled the heart-swelling lover smile.

Luke's eyes blurred a little. "We?"

"Yeah - we. The other thing I'm not doing anymore is avoiding the truth." Noah leaned to kiss Luke's perfect lips. "Because the truth is that I want to have the honor and privilege of loving you for the rest of my life."

Luke spun around and pushed Noah into the grass. "It's about time."

Noah grabbed Luke's belt loops and pulled him closer. "Is this where our bedroom will be?"

Luke grinned. "No - this is the kitchen."

"Awesome. I've been wanting to get you naked in the kitchen for a long time."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Thank you, Faith." Luke hugged his sister.

"Did you guys have fun?" She asked while fishing her keys out of the bowl by the front door.

"Dinner was fantastic. Noah was romantic. It was perfect." Luke smiled at his lover as he spoke.

Noah helped her with her jacket. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive you back to the farm?"

"It's a five minute walk - I think I can handle it." Faith smirked.

"It's almost midnight."

"Noah - I'm fine. I like the walk - I know it like the back of my hand. I'll be fine." She kissed them both and closed the door behind her.

Luke grabbed Noah's hand and pulled him into his arms. "Happy Anniversary, Babe."

"I can't believe it's been ten years." Noah nipped at Luke's neck. "Ten years and I still want to fuck your brains out."

Luke laughed a little too loud.

"Shhhhhh. If you wake them up you won't get lucky." Noah teased.

Luke's eyes bored into Noah's. He touched his palm to his lover's stubbly face. "I'm already lucky, Noah."

Noah's pupils seemed to explode. "Bed. Now."

Luke laughed again - this time much softer. They walked toward their room, holding hands like teenagers. They stopped at the first door on the right of the hallway to check on the twins before closing their door with a soft click and rushing down the hall to find skin.

FIN