Hey guys!

So this is something I've had on my computer for a while, and I've been in a Merlin mood lately so I decided to upload it. I'm not sure where it's gonna go from here and my updating skills are shockingly bad at the moment so we may not know for a while.

I'm a little rusty at fanfiction writing so I hope this comes out ok

I don't own Merlin but I wish I did!

Enjoy ^_^

Arthur didn't look up when Merlin entered, didn't even seem to notice. He was on the stone floor, head on his knees, arms wrapped around his legs, staring at nothing, cocooned in his misery. He tensed when Merlin dropped down to sit beside him and waited, offering his silent support, showing Arthur that he was there if he needed to talk.

After a while, Arthur spoke

'I never thought ...' he said dolefully, as if he had to explain

'I know'

'I just-'

'It's alright'

'Dammit Merlin!' said Arthur heatedly 'let me fin-'

'No' the manservant interjected with a cheeky grin that only lasted a few moments, he glanced towards the king briefly to gauge his reaction. The blonde huffed in such a way that could have been a laugh if the circumstances were different. There was a pause. Then

'I sent her away' Arthur said in a very small voice, as if he didn't believe it of himself. He closed his eyes for a moment. He wouldn't cry, kings don't cry.

'Yes' came the simple answer 'you did' there was nothing in Merlin's voice, no emotion, just a statement of fact; for a reason he couldn't explain, this comforted Arthur and he turned his head to look at his manservant, who didn't meet his eyes but steadfastly returned to looking at the wall.

'You're angry with me' it wasn't a question. He could see it in the man's pale face, his lips pressed tightly together, the look in his startling eyes that never failed to show him Merlin's feelings. He deserved Merlin's anger he knew. He hadn't acted rationally, he had been impulsive and hadn't stopped to consider the consequences. But he had been hurt and angry and hadn't known what else to do. To his surprise, Merlin sighed and shook his head

'No' he said in a defeated sort of way, turning at last to meet Arthur's clear blue eyes 'I understand why you did it. Lancelot-' he stopped suddenly and turned away as a sharp pain flashed through his chest. He disliked Morgana for many reasons, but he truly hated her for this. She had dragged Lancelot's honour through the mud, made the most noble knight of them all appear to be a traitor.

Had Lancelot not been a shade, he would never have tried to get in the way of Arthur and Gwen. He would have stayed at a distance, quietly in love as Gwen became the queen and a mother. He would have protected Arthur until his dying day and never resented him as long as Gwen was happy. And he could never put that tarnished reputation right without revealing himself.

He tried to swallow to get rid of the lump in his throat. It didn't work. It was more than he could bear, having to stand back and watch as Lancelot's goodness and loyalty was pulled apart and discarded as though it had never been, or meant nothing. His friend. The only one apart from Gaius and his mother that would never judge him for his magic. Tears stung at his eyes but he blinked them back, refusing to lose himself in his grief. He was here to comfort Arthur after all. He glanced at his king to see his expression turn stony at the mention of Lancelot

'Lancelot betrayed me' he said harshly, ignoring Merlin's flinch. Then he sighed 'as did Guinevere' his voice was filled with such sadness and longing that Merlin didn't have the heart to chastise him. Gwen had been his friend too and he missed her almost as much as Arthur did, almost as much as he missed Lancelot.

'Maybe' he conceded, leaning back against the bed 'but you still miss her' Arthur slumped forwards

'Yes' he said sadly 'I do'

'Then get her back' Merlin said earnestly, turning to him 'Find her and bring her back to Camelot!' Arthur just shook his head morosely

'I've lost her' he whispered.

'No' said Merlin, so firmly that Arthur looked at him in surprise. Merlin's hands were balled into fists and there was a fierce glint in his eye 'No' he repeated, voice shaking. 'I've lost my love Arthur. You sent yours away. Gwen can come back! So just stop being a stubborn, selfish clotpole and send for her before you lose her for good!' he glared at the king. Arthur watched in shock as his manservant's expression then softened as he turned away from him, his eyes glistening with wetness. Merlin had a love? How come he had never known? Merlin talked about everything; he talked about his chores, the knights' training, who he had met on the stairs, what Gwaine had said about him. But never once had he mentioned a girl.

'What's her name?' Arthur asked, tentatively, he regretted asking almost immediately. Merlin's voice broke as he answered

'Freya' He spoke the name like a prayer, a word that caused him both joy and pain. He recognised the tone. It was exactly how he used to say 'Guinevere'; that thought hurt. Craving a distraction he asked another question.

'What happened?' Merlin's mouth opened and closed again, a tear slid down his cheek. Merlin internally debated what to say. He could lie, say that she had moved away or something. But that would have been an insult to Freya's memory. But he didn't have to tell Arthur the full truth. Not to mention the fact that he wasn't even sure he could get the words out.

'She ... she was killed' he managed, thickly. Arthur's face changed immediately from curiosity to compassion. The grief on his friend's face was painful to watch as Merlin tried in vain to control himself.

'I'm sorry' he said sincerely. Merlin sniffed and shook his head.

'Don't be' he said 'You didn't know. It wasn't your fa-.' He stopped suddenly. Eyes wide. Arthur frowned, puzzled.

'You make it sound like I -' He trailed off, taking Merlin's face into account. He turned slightly to face him, mouth open, working furiously but no sound came out. He didn't know what to say. He racked his brain but couldn't think of any girl called Freya, let alone one he had killed. Merlin looked at him with watery eyes, but there was only grief in them, no judgement or anger.

'She wasn't human when you struck her' he said gently. 'She was the bastet.' He swallowed and blinked 'She had just enough time to turn human again and ... and say goodbye'. Arthur's eyes widened in understanding. Merlin's mood around that time. The dress, the humming, the food, the joy. To be replaced by an inexplicable sorrow and dolefulness that had lasted for weeks. And he had been his usual brash, tactless self, knowing that something was amiss but not bothering to find out what it was, satisfied when he had made Merlin laugh, assuming that it wasn't anything for a prince to be concerned with.

He felt a coil of revulsion in the pit of his stomach as he looked at his manservant. He had lost someone important to him, perhaps most important to him, and he didn't blame Arthur for making it happen. He never had. He hadn't been angry, just sad. He hadn't thrown a punch or screamed or poisoned him. He had continued to be his manservant, advisor and friend. If the situation had been reversed and Merlin had killed Gwen, even unknowingly, he knew he would never have been so forgiving.

Merlin looked away; he had long since forgiven Arthur for his ignorance, but that didn't stop it hurting. Freya was a wound that he had had no intention of opening. It was unexpectedly painful, as raw as the day it had happened. He was also surprised that Arthur hadn't jumped on him about falling in love with an evil, cursed, magical creature, and only supposed that having very recently learned the lesson about not being able to control who you fell in love with.

'I'm sorry' Arthur said again. I can only imagine-'

'-Bring Gwen back' Merlin begged, interrupting. He wanted to get back to the subject at hand. He could lose himself in memories of Freya later. Arthur sighed

'I can't' he said. Ironically, Merlin's distress calmed him. 'It wouldn't be right. I can never take her for my queen now. That bond had been broken. No matter how much I wish otherwise'

'But if you love her-'

'I don't' He cut in curtly 'I can't. Not anymore.' She had betrayed him, and he had experienced too many betrayals. For the woman he loved to ... well, that changed a person. He could never look at Guinevere again without thinking of how much she had hurt him. He had bared his heart to her and she had trampled on it. Merlin nodded in understanding. He looked sympathetically at his king

'Send for her anyway' he said softly, after a moment's hesitation

'What?!' squawked Arthur incredulously 'Have you not heard a word I just-'

'I'm not thinking about you you pompous ass!' Merlin burst out 'I miss her too! And so does half of Camelot! She made a lot of friends here, she made a difference. You can't just throw her out of her home and not expect any consequences!'

'What do you mean?'

'The people loved Gwen. She gave them hope that they could do more with their lives. And seeing as how none of them really know what she did they'll blame you for taking that away! Now, I'm not saying that they'll revolt or anything, things are good here and you're a fair king and they tend not to care much what royals do anyway unless it affects them. But Gwen... She's one of the people, always has been. I'm not saying take her back as your wife but bring her back to Camelot.' he waited, almost holding his breath as he watched Arthur consider this. 'Besides' he added 'it's safer for her in Camelot, Morgana knows what she means to you and that could mean anything bad.' at this, Arthur's head jerked up.

'You're right' he said eventually 'I can't put her in danger like that. She's still under my protection if nothing else.' he stood and Merlin scrambled to follow, Arthur placed a hand on his shoulder, the silent thanks passing between them. Arthur then marched over to his desk and picked up a quill 'I'll send a patrol to look for her'

'I'll go' Merlin said immediately crossing the room to the door 'A patrol of Camelot knights would probably just scare her into hiding from them.' Arthur looked up, frowning

'At least take some with you' he said 'there's been a lot of bandit activity lately in the outlying villages as well as Morgana roaming about.'

'Worried about me already?' Merlin teased, grinning when Arthur's scowl deepened 'I'll take Gwaine' he said, ducking out of the door before Arthur could throw something at him.

So... What do you think? It reads a bit strange at the moment imo but let me know yours ^_^

Reviews, criticism, all welcome. I can't get better unless I know what's wrong :D

Love Tibbins xx