A/N Hey guys! I know this wasn't the songfic I promised would be next, but I was in a really depressing mood for some reason. So this songfic was born. The song used is "Hymn For The Missing" by, Red. Listen to it while reading this songfic it really helps to feel the emotions that influenced this. The first time I heard it I started crying hysterically. This song is just… so emotional. If you've ever lost someone close to you, this song will without a doubt make you cry not even halfway into it.
-BorixJannyxoxo
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Victorious or "Hymn For The Missing"
Tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark
They were holding hands as they walked barefoot on the sand right by the shore, smiling, talking as if nothing in the world could distract them from each other. Then he heard her laugh and he knew that he was under her spell and he wasn't getting out of it anytime soon. He wasn't planning on it because this amazing, young twenty-three year old, girl was his girlfriend and he strongly believes he is the luckiest man in the world because of that. It wasn't the first time he's heard her laugh, he was actually quite good at eliciting the melodious sound from her, but he just never realized how entranced he was by her until this time. He looked over to the side to see the beautiful mixture of pink, orange, and a very dark shade of blue that was hovering above the ocean and knew that neither of them would ever forget this night.
He gently stretches his arm out to show her the beauty and he thinks it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. It's short lived because shortly after, he can see the colors being outlined on her face as her long, brunette hair was being blown backwards. Now that, that was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. The colors outlined every single little detail on her face, even details that he himself hasn't noticed, and it's pretty damn unbelievable to him since he's studied her face every night since she usually goes to sleep first and he can't help but sneak a peek at how peaceful she looks. Then he lightly places his finger under her chin, turning her head towards his, before he lightly places his lips on hers. He wraps his arms around her waist as she places her arms around his neck after her eyes flutter shut, just like always. They pull apart and still stay wrapped up in each other, lightly saying the sweetest things they've ever heard as they sway with the wind.
She, however, was the one who looked to the side, to see how the mixture of colors in the sky has almost completely vanished and almost completely detaches herself from him. Almost. She still holds on to his hand before lightly tugging him forward while speaking, "We should get back to your apartment before it gets pitch black."
He sticks his lower lip out to pout at her, but they both know he isn't being serious. He's just being his usual, goofy, charming self. She lets out a chuckle as she lightly swats his arm before he places his arm around her as they walk to the exit.
Thought you were beside me
But I reached and you were gone
They had walked to the beach that night, since it was such a gorgeous evening and she felt as if taking the car on such a beautiful evening was a crime. They both can't stop laughing and neither of them understands why they have that effect on each other, but they don't want it to stop. It's as if they're getting high off of just being around each other. He was sure that he never understood that stupid pop Kesha song until he met her. Her love literally was his drug. He was addicted to her and he has no idea what it is about her that's so addicting. He likes to ponder on it late at night with her in his arms as she sleeps. Some of the things he comes up with is really entertaining to him and when he tells her about it, she laughs and laughs and laughs and she thinks that he does that to her on purpose which is totally not true (mostly). When they reach the sidewalk he looked up to see that she was right about it getting dark soon. The sky was almost completely black and he could only her and the lamp post.
He lets go of her hand just for a second so he could press the button to change the walking signal so that way they wouldn't have to worry about being hit. He only let her go for a second and he turned around only to find an empty sidewalk. He turned around again to see if she was hiding to mess with him. When he looked behind him he once again saw nothing but the street and lamp post. His eyes widened as he worried about where she could've possibly gone.
"Tori?" He called out before he looked around again, and called her name again once more. "Tori?!" He shouted with much more worry. He still scrambled to find any trace of her, only to find nothing. He opened his mouth to call her name out again when his location changed.
"Tori?!" He shouted when he shot up in bed, eyes wide open in the dark bedroom of his apartment. He quickly looked over to the right, only to find no one there. His hands, that were slanted behind him so that way he could sit up, gave out under him as he let out a long sigh and pulled his knees to his chest.
Another damn dream. He thought as he rolled over to look at his nightstand , that had a picture frame of the two of them on it. The picture was taken in a parking lot. They had gone to see a concert together and she was pressed flush against his chest as her head was tilted upwards to look at him and he was looking down at her, his eyes half-lidded, holding each other's hands with the theater behind them. He quickly reached over and held the frame slightly above his lap as his fingers lightly touched her face on the glass. He let out another sigh before he said out loud to an empty room, "Why did it have to be you, baby?"
Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore
There are times when he'll be working on the set of his movie and he'll be in a middle of a scene, a hard scene, and he'll hear her voice, telling him that she believes him, but it's very faint, almost inaudible, as if she's dying inside. He has a love hate relationship with that voice. He loves it because he can hear her voice again (god he misses it so much), but he hates it because he can hear the pain in her voice, and he wants to do nothing but stop the pain, but he knows it's not possible, he doesn't have a single freaking clue where she is, and neither does the police. He tries to talk to his friends about it, but none of them really understand what he's hearing and how much it mentally and physically pains him to hear it. It's almost been a year, and he still doesn't give up hope that she's ok, that she's still out there. His friends also try to showcase the same belief for his sake, but he knows that there's a tiny part in all of them that thinks it's over, that thinks she's gone and never coming back.
Sometimes he even thinks it, but that's only when he drank a little too much.
I hear you crying softly
For the way it was before
The faint voice occasionally follows him back to the apartment, but it's different. It's more of a cry for help, beckoning him to go to her, to look for her. It's still weak but sometimes he hears her sobbing and he knows that he can't do anything to comfort her. All he can do is clamp his eyes shut when he hears it and cry along with her, because he himself tears at the seams whenever he hears her crying.
It's just like when she was still around. If something upset her, she wouldn't tell him about it until they were back in his apartment. He knew she always felt safe in it and he has no idea why she felt that way, but it's not the same. He can't reach over and wrap his arm around her and stroke her hair to calm her down. He can't pull her into his shirt, he can't comfort her, in any way, shape, or form, because she's somewhere the police can't even figure out.
Where are you now? Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
He still looks for her undercover, even though the police have told him countless times not to, but he has to find her, he just has to bring her home. He is barely keeping it together. Every day is a struggle for him. Every day one of his friends comes by to make sure that he's eating and showering. They know that he barely sleeps at night because of the dreams. They take away his sleeping pills once they see them, knowing he would do just about anything to keep seeing her, even if it's in a dream. They fear he'll become addicted. There will be times when he's walking down the street and he'll pass a hair salon thinking he saw her, but when he would check again, he would see that it was only his mind playing tricks on him again. He falls for it every single damn time.
He occasionally checks the GPS on his phone to see if there will ever be a signal with her location, it never shows and every time he sees that notification pop up on his phone, he wants to throw it at the wall and just give up all together, because he just, misses her so much and he can't think straight anymore. Every single time he thinks about anything, it somehow bring her back to his mind and he doesn't know how much more he can take.
Are you alone? Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Every now and then he wonders if she got away and if she hasn't been able to notify anyone that she's ok. He wonders if maybe she's halfway across the country just walking, trying to find her way back to LA so she could be in his arms again. He even considers the thought of her living in the wilderness if she has to. She did always love animals he would think every time that thought popped into his head and the only thing it caused him was tears because it brought back memories of them from the time he took her to the zoo and the night that had followed.
He often wonders if they'll ever share a night like that ever again. A night full of bliss and and, such perfection that he knew nothing would ever come close to that, unless she comes back.
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you Will you wait?
Will you wait?
Will I see you again?
Why? Why did it have to be her? She- she would always offer to help me in my lowest state. She would hold me the way I held her when she needed to be comforted. I should've taken advantage of it when I had the chance. Now the one time I absolutely need her, she isn't here! And it's all my fault! These, these are the thoughts that often fill his head, making him wish that he could go back in time, but we all know that isn't possible. He always had a huge amount of pride and would never want to bring other people into his problems unless he actually needed help.
It kills him that whenever Tori would ask him or even try to help him out that he would push her away from it. He hates himself every day because of it and he just wants more than anything to go back in time and stay in her arms for the rest of his life or vice versa. He knows that he would never leave her again if that happened. He was never one to pray, but he became so desperate that he prays every night, just to get a glimpse of her walking down the streets, that way he'd know that she was ok.
You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
When she first went missing, he was an emotional mess and had no conscience. He literally tortured himself and made permanent scars on his wrists. That's when his friends started coming over. They should've known that he wasn't alright. He was an amazing actor, you would've thought they would've taken that into account, but they didn't because they were hurting too. They didn't go to the same extreme as him, but they were still upset about her disappearance.
She still has his heart and there's no way for him to ever get it back. She was taken on such a sad note and he wonders if he should've let her come over that night. He once again had a stressful day and he really was tired, so he just grabbed a small plate of food that Robbie had prepared for him and ate it quietly before putting the plate in the sink and walking into his bedroom, not saying a word to him.
Robbie sees how he's slowly dying inside, but he thinks he's imagining things.
Now it wanders lost and wounded
This heart that I misplaced
All of the his thoughts are now littered with her, inked in his brain, to remain there forever and whenever someone else says her name, he just wants to run away from everything. All he wants is his heart to mend, and he hopes that one day it will. Every day the pain in his chest intensifies and he can't even look at another girl without comparing her to the one that still has his heart. He just can't get over her. He fakes a smile at all the desperate girls when on the inside he's breaking down into pieces because some of them look at him the way she used to look at him.
He's started drinking and smoking as a distraction. Drinking only intensifies the pain so he doesn't understand why he keeps doing it. Yet he still does it and his friends have no control over that.
Where are you now? Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
He's walking down the street when he sees the missing person's sign. It's a picture of her from their first date and it takes everything in his power not to rip the paper down and put it in his pocket and frame it as well. He stares at it for a few more seconds before he falls to his knees, arms wrapping around himself, as the tears continue to flow down his face and for once he's thankful for his hair since it's keeping a part of his weakness hidden from everyone else. He knows people are still looking at him some people even come up to ask him if he's ok, but none of them understand how bad it hurts. So he just puts on a fake smile and nods his head. Most people leave him alone to drown in his own sorrows except one person.
"Let me at least get you somewhere private for you to mourn." A nice elderly lady suggests, but he shuts her down. He doesn't care who sees him or if it's the next headline on the paper. He wants them to know he's hurting.
Are you alone? Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
He still clutches the picture frame to his chest every night and cries himself to sleep. He knows nothing can fill the hole in his heart except her coming back to him and never leaving his side again. Now he's starting to think that she's never going to come back. He had drank way too much this evening and the pain was absolutely irresistible at this point. He thinks he sees her on the balcony by his bedroom. She's looking at him, hugging herself as she cries watching him breakdown and lose who he was. She never wanted this to happen to him. He knows it's an illusion but he can't stop himself from opening up the doors to his balcony, only for her to blow away the second the doors are opened.
He trudges his way back to his bed and cries the hardest he's ever cried. Cried even harder than the night she was ripped away from him. He tugged his hair and threw everything he could find on his floor. He was about to slam down a bookshelf before he felt his eyes droop and he fell backwards onto his bed, tear stains covering his face in patterns, that's exactly how he's found that morning.
Will you wait? Will you wait?
Will I see you again?
When his eyes closed they opened shortly after, but instead of being on his bed, he was in a pitch black room. He hears her voice, lightly singing and he quickly looks around for the source. Is this a joke? Then he looks straight ahead to see a faint white light and a small black outline. He starts off slowly walking towards it and the closer he gets to it, the louder her voice gets. He starts to pick up his pace, she's still so far away. When he gets close enough he sees her back is turned to him. He begins to lightly sing along with her. As he gets closer she turns around and a small smile spreads on her face and he runs to her, tears staring to fall. They're both still lightly summoning each other and he can't believe this is actually happening. Right when he's in front of her, he hears her giggle and he takes her hand and walks with her to golden gates, knowing that he would never see his other friends and family again, but he hoped they understood that he was happy again because he would be with her forever.
Beck Oliver found dead in his apartment, lost the will to live.
And that my friends was the newest headline that day.