Once upon a time, but not really, since I couldn't find any other beginning for this fanfic, there was a young girl named Luna Lovegood. She was a perfectly sane girl who loved nothing more than dancing by the light of the moon in a cow suit. One night, as she was dancing under the full moon, she bumped into a tree and ripped her suit.
She was so terribly upset that she began to cry, and she cried and cried and cried and cried and CRIED until she was standing on an island in the middle of a sea of chicken grease. She would have panicked, but she saw a Codfish in robes approaching her. The Island's vegitation consisted of muffin trees and several small flowers that, when cooked, produced a delicious smell of roast chicken, but tasted like poo. Since that was her favorite flavour, she fried these flowers and feasted on them as she waited for the codfish to arrive.
When the codfish got to her, he started to speak. "Dearly Beloved...Invisible...People..." He started. "We are gathered here today to witness a marriage of my brother" (At this he jestured to a crumple-horned Snorknack by the door.) "To this cow that fell out of the sky"
Luna attached a bow tie to the front of her Cow suit, pulled the Snorknack closer to her in a half-hearted hug, and said to the codfish, "Get on with it." There was something in her tone that reminded vaguely of purple moon potatoes. The codfish, after ranting on for several hours finally said that they could kiss the bride. Luna looked puzzeled for a moment, then realized that she was supposed to kiss the snorknack, which really didn't make sense, because she was the bride. Upon realizing this, he jumped up onto his head and, leaning over, kissed his forehead.
He took her home to his cave, which had nargles in all the mistletoe in the corners. He then lay down on a HUGE pile of straw in the corner and commanded her to cook him a poo-dasy.
"Why, you terrible person!" Luna cried, kicking a chicken with her tail. "I cannot do such a thing at this time, or I will turn into a giant two-tailed snake and disappear into the ocean"
"But I am hungry, and I am also your new husband. So what I say, goes!" He said in a commanding voice. "And now I say to cook me a poo-daisy"
"Cook it yourself!" she shrilled, throwing a wig at his head, which turned into a chicken.
"Buk buk buk buk buk buk BACAKKK!" His chicken head screamed, flapping
it's wings as if it wished to become a poo-daisy.
Feeling a lot better, Luna smiled softly to herself
and went outside to sing to the marsh-toads. The marsh-toads came out
and started croaking and soon, the entire ground was covered with
marsh-toad corpses. Luna smiled even wider. This was a sign that they,
like many others, enjoyed her singing. She started waltzing through the
muffin trees untill she came upon an army of pink slugs making popcorn
out of poo-daisies.
"Eww," she said, wrinkling her nose. "That's disgusting. You forgot the salt"
The slugs said that they had marinated them in salt for twenty years, and they had lived off muffins coated in melted wax for the twenty years.
Luna smiled. "Ah, that sounds wonderful!" she cried. "Oh, dear slugs, could I please live with you"
"Why of course!" the seven slugs squeeked. "As long as you do all the cooking and cleaning and mending"
"Sure I can do that!" Luna said, simpering. After all, she did have her trusty rubber-chicken wand.
"Then come into our castle" they cried in unison, pointing to an old opera-house. "And beware the evil, deformed phantom that lives there"
Luna blinked several times. "You know," she said, "That is a violation of muggle copyright laws"
"True..." the slugs said thoughtfully. "But isn't this"
"Yes, well..." Luna pondered this. "By golly, you're right!" she exclaimed.
The slugs smiled and lead her up to the old opera house. After they showed her to her room, she saw a giant beanstalk right outside her window. She looked down and saw a girl crying about how she lost a glass shoe.
"Girl, girl, why are you crying?" Luna asked, prodding the stanger.
"I lost my glass slipper!" she cried, her eyes welling up with tears. "And now...I have to go to grandma's house...but the path is brambly...HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT THROUGH WITH ONLY ONE SHOE?" The girl burst out crying again.
Luna sighed. "Oh, please stop that infernal din. First of all, you're getting all the fairy tales mized up. Second of all, take my shoe." She removed the shoe from her third foot and gave it to the girl.
The girl's eyes went wide. "Really you mean it...I can have your shoe?" She asked, gingerly taking the shoe.
"Of course, lassie. It's brand new, too." Luna grinned. "Oh, my name is Porkpie, by the way.
The girl let out a cackle and dropped her disguise. "Nee hee hee! You cannot guess my name, so your first-born will be MINE"
"Rapunzel Junior the Third," Luna said, looking bored. "And besides I'm too young for that"
"NEEE HEE HEE! WRONG! YOU WILL GIVE ME YER FIRST BORN OR DIE!" The little man started prancing about in a field of garden gnomes wearing nothing but a suit of poo-daisies.
"Rumplestiltskin." Luna yawned and ate a chicken made out of chocolate.
The little man screamed and started melting into nothingness. "Drat you Dorothy! I'll get you next time. And your little dog, too!" He shrilled.
"It's Porkpie, and my dog's a cow!" Dorothy- erm, Luna screamed, leaning out of the window.
A/N: well...that's where chapter one ends. Please review. part 2 will come up soon.