Enterprise Q

Summary: Enterprise story with adapted songs from Avenue Q. It doesn't really follow the plot of Avenue Q; it just uses and rewrites some of the songs. This chapter is all of the bridge crew (minus T'Pol) singing about how much it sucks to be them. Disclaimer: Neither Avenue Q or Enterprise belong to me. Don't sue, this is just me being weird, not trying to infringe on copyrights. Rating: PG-13 for language.

Chapter 1: It Sucks to be Me

Trip was moping around the bridge, fiddling with a console when Hoshi walked on the bridge.

"Good morning Trip!" She said sunnily.

"Hi Hoshi." Trip mumbled sullenly.

"Trip, what's wrong?" Hoshi asked sweetly.

"Oh," Trip replied, "those new upgrades to the warp core I worked on for weeks didn't work. I can't figure out what went wrong. I just thought..."

"Thought what?" prodded Hoshi after he didn't answer for a while.

"Well..." said Trip, starting to sing

Trip: When I was little I thought I would be, A great inventor Helping out humanity. But now my brain seems stuck And I cannot sleep! I don't have a chance To help people like my sister. It sucks to be me! It sucks to be me! It sucks to be grieving, uninventive and lonely! It sucks to be me!

"Hah!" Hoshi said. "You think it sucks to be you?"

Hoshi: I'm good with languages, And my hearing's really great. I work really hard To explore all kinds of space. But now I feel that I am getting replaced By a computer, That I helped invent Fuck! It sucks to be me! It sucks to be me! It sucks to be Hoshi Trip: And Trip Hoshi: To be losing a job Trip: To feel really gypped. Both: It sucks to be me.

As they finished, Reed and Hayes walked in, bickering about security as usual. Trip decided they could solve their argument once and for all.

"Hey Malcolm! Hayes!" He called, beckoning them over. "Can you answer a question for us?"

"Sure, Commander, what do you want to know?" Hayes replied as they walked over.

"Whose live sucks more, Hoshi's or mine?" Trip asked.

"Ours." They replied together, and then glared at each other.

Hayes: We work together. Reed: We've had to coordinate. Hayes: But we've been competing Reed: Ever since we met/ Hayes: So he thinks I'm stealing his job. Reed: It makes me upset!
Everyday is an aggravation! Hayes: Come on, Reed! That's exaggeration! Reed: You're always training
And going over my head! Hayes: You lock the armory,
I really think you wish me dead! Reed: You make keeping security on this ship a hell! Hayes: So do you! That's why I'm in hell too! Both: It sucks to be me!
It sucks to be me! All: Is there anybody here is doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!

Just as they had finished Dr. Phlox walked on the bridge to see them all grinning.

"Well, you all look very cheery," Phlox observed. "Why are you so happy?"

"Oh," said Malcolm, "Because our lives suck."

"You think your lives suck?" Asked Phlox, "You have no idea."

Phlox: I came to Starfleet,
For opportunity,
I joined the Enterprise,
To work for species harmony.
But I left my threes wives
And my children behind me,
But I'm stuck with you guys.
And I have no free space,
You guys are whining,
And always have problems,
And that makes it very hard to work.
It sucks to be me!
It sucks to be me!
I say it suckasuckasuckasuckasuckasuckasuckasuckasucks!
It sucks to be me.

Feeling rather shamed the rest of the crew looked around guiltily until a crewman came in carrying a message.

"Excuse me," he said, "but I have a message for the Captain."

"Okay," said Hoshi, "Let me get him for you." She walked over to the comm, hit a button and said "Hey captain archer, there's someone to see you."

The Captain, who had been listening to the others came out and immediately launched into:

Archer: I'm Captain Archer
Of the Starship Enterprise.
I'm out for revenge on Xindi,
Who rained hell down from the skies.
Now I'm all angry
And the butt of jokes from countless Trekkies.
But here I am, the captain, of the Enterprise.

All: It sucks to be you.
It sucks to be you
(You win!)

Archer: Try throwing people out of airlocks and giving speeches about stupid gazelles. It gets old.

All: It sucks to be you!

At this point the Ensign was convinced the bridge crew was nuts and snuck away to let them wallow in their suckiness.

"Look! A planet!" cried out Hoshi.

"Great! A chance to introduce water polo to another culture!" Exclaimed Archer. "Prepare an away team!"

To Be continued....