A/N This is my first attempt at creative writing since college, which was longer ago than I care to admit. I hope you like it. If you review, please be gentle!
I do not own Twilight. I do own a goofy but lovable four-year-old golden retriever.
My hand sat uselessly on the mouse as I tried to decide whether to open the email. The subject was "Tonight." The sender wasn't really a friend, just someone I had met through the college ride board. If he was contacting me, it could only mean one thing. I double-clicked, and my heart rate increased as I read Jake's words: Heading to Hanover to see Leah before finals start. Want to hitch a ride to see your boy? Leaving at 6; let me know ASAP.
It was already four o'clock; if I were going to take him up on his offer, I would have to decide quickly. A few months ago, I wouldn't have hesitated. I would have immediately replied yes to Jake and thrown some things into my backpack. Now, I wasn't sure what to do. The drive from Colby-Sawyer College, where I was studying English and education, to Dartmouth College, where my boyfriend was studying music, took about half an hour. Lately, however, it felt like there was a much greater distance between Edward and me. My thoughts drifted to the history of our relationship, especially over the last few months.
Edward and I met in high school in Forks, Washington. He was a year ahead of me, but the Advanced Placement classes I had taken before moving from Phoenix, Arizona put me into senior classes in my new, smaller school. We didn't interact much at first. He had his own group of friends and paid little attention to the new junior girl, and I was too intimidated by his good looks to speak to him without being spoken to first. Every time I passed him, though, I could feel some kind of current in the air, like electricity zapping between us. Eventually, we were paired up as peer review partners in English, and we had no choice but to speak. We got to know one another through our writing, which led to conversations about shared interests and fascinating differences, and one day, Edward asked me for a date. We lingered over our first dinner together, and I caught Edward driving well below the speed limit on our way home, trying to prolong our evening. He kissed me softly before leaving that night, that weird electric current growing even stronger, and after that, we were pretty much inseparable. We talked about our future with certainty, knowing that we were meant for one another.
Edward had been accepted early decision to Dartmouth, his dream school. We suffered through a year apart while I finished high school, and I searched for colleges in New Hampshire and Vermont that would be within driving distance of Hanover. We wanted to be close to one another, but I didn't want the pressure of an Ivy League school. I also didn't want Edward to feel that I was encroaching on his territory. We both thrived on independence, feeling that the stronger we were as individuals, the better we were as a couple. We didn't want to fall into the trap of existing in our own bubble at the cost of getting a full college experience. When I chose Colby-Sawyer, Edward was thrilled. We would have enough distance to allow us to focus on our own academic pursuits and maintain friendships outside of our relationship, but the close proximity meant that we could see each other often, even if it was only for lunch on a Sunday. During my first semester, we spent many weekend afternoons exploring our campuses and the surrounding region. Edward would surprise me from time to time by driving down to take me dinner on nights when he knew I didn't have a heavy homework load, and once he even met me outside of class with my favorite chai latte.
However, the independence we had both wanted was threatening our relationship now. Edward was a musical genius, and when he was inspired, he spent much of his time in practice rooms fine-tuning his original compositions. He had been on a creative streak for the past several months, making it difficult for us to find the time to connect. Where we had formerly spoken at least once a day, in the past month or so, I had been lucky to get an email. At first, I didn't think much of it. I was used to Edward disappearing for a day or two when he was in the grip of a new composition, and I had plenty of work and friends to keep me busy. When two days with no contact stretched into five, I began to get concerned. Then, when I did hear from him, Edward broke plans to come down for the weekend, saying that he was immersed in finalizing his year-end project, which had to be completed before rehearsals for the spring recital started the following Wednesday. When I offered to catch a ride up to Dartmouth with Jake the following weekend, Edward said he'd let me know. Several unanswered emails and voicemails later, I received a brief email stating that he needed to catch up on the work he had let slide while finishing his composition, so that weekend wasn't good either. That was understandable to me, so I chalked it up to bad timing and figured he'd come visit soon.
A few more weeks passed, and Edward seemed to be growing distant. Not only did he not visit, but the few times we were able to talk, he sounded distracted. I had to pull his attention back to me, and our calls usually ended with me offering to let him go. He took me up on those offers every time. Feeling as though he no longer cared about me, the next time I got him on the phone, I found the courage to ask him what was happening. He said that he was under a lot of pressure and something had to give. I had a sinking suspicion that the "something" was me. When I pushed him for more information, he replied that he was giving everything he had to his music at the moment, and he wasn't sure if there was anything left over for me. In a trembling voice, I asked if he still loved me. His devastating response was that he didn't know. I ended the call quickly, just managing to say goodbye before beginning to sob. I know we were going through a rough patch, but I never thought we would get to the point where he would question his love for me. I wasn't sure what to do or where to go from there.
A couple of days later, I received a lengthy email from Edward. He wrote that he didn't want to break up or see other people; he just needed some time and space to focus on his work and himself. My brief reply was that he should contact me when he was ready. I was through fighting for his time and begging for his attention when I finally got it. During the next two weeks, we only had one conversation. I had a missed call from him after class one day. I drove myself into a frenzy trying to decide whether to let it go or call him back. My desire to hear his voice finally won. For the first time in weeks, he answered right away, sounding surprised to hear from me. He asked if everything was okay, and I explained about my missed call. He quietly said that he must have pocket dialed me; he hadn't meant to call me. Heartbroken, I whispered that I'd let him go. He asked if I wanted to talk, but I told him that I really didn't have much to say. After an awkward pause, we said goodbye. Five seconds later, I heard his ringtone. Hoping it wasn't another pocket dial, I cautiously answered. Before I could say anything, he said, "Hey…I love you." I told him that I loved him too. I heard him whisper, "Thank God," but I wasn't quick enough to ask him what he meant before he ended the call.
I jolted out of my thoughts to find that forty-five minutes had passed. I had to let Jake know if I was going with him. The decision was made more difficult due to the fact that this was the night of Edward's spring recital. He had given the date to me as soon as he knew when it was so that I could plan to be there if possible. Given all that had happened in the ensuing weeks, he hadn't mentioned it to me again. The recital was open to the public, but I wasn't sure if I would still be welcomed. I ran through the pros and cons in my head. Pros: getting to see Edward, getting to hear the music that had consumed him for so long, getting off campus for a while. Cons: not knowing if Edward wanted to see me, not knowing if he wanted me to hear the music, having to spend the ride to and from Hanover with a guy who was very much in love with his girlfriend while being unsure of my own relationship status. In the end, my curiosity about Edward's composition won, and I emailed Jake that I would meet him outside of my dorm at 5:50.
I took a long, hot shower, shaving everything and working conditioner through my wavy hair. I dressed in the skirt and sweater I had bought in anticipation of Edward's last visit, the one he had cancelled. I even put on some make up, which I rarely wore. I wanted to look my best so that Edward could see exactly what he was giving up, if that was where this situation was heading. At 5:45, I made my way down to the main entrance of the dorm to wait for Jake. He pulled up right on time and whistled when I opened the car door. "Damn, girl, you're looking good! Your boy's going to be happy to see you." I could only hope he was right. Not wanting to talk about the strange state of my relationship, I asked Jake what he and his girlfriend had planned for the evening. After he found my name and email address on the ride board early in the year, Jake and I had made the trip from New London to Hanover a number of times, so we were able to fall into easy conversation that made the drive seem shorter than it was and prevented me from dwelling on my fear of how the night might end.
All too soon, we were pulling up in front of the Hopkins Center for the Arts. It was just after six thirty, and the recital started at seven. After arranging for Jake to text me when he was ready to leave, I made my way to the café inside the building, hoping that some tea would settle my nerves. Fifteen minutes later, I headed to the auditorium where the recital was being held. I took the program from a student usher and found a seat in the middle of the room. There were more people in attendance than I had expected, and I was happy to blend into the crowd. Edward's piece was listed as the penultimate performance of the night. I knew that the later a piece was in the program, the greater the honor. Edward must have written something truly special for such an honor to have been given to a sophomore. I was anxious to hear it.
The first hour of the program seemed to drag on endlessly. While some of the music was quite good, taken as a whole, the program was too eclectic for my taste. I knew that this was the nature of the recital, as it showcased the best of the student work for the term, but as I was really only interested in Edward's piece, and I couldn't be bothered to take the time to appreciate the different avenues other students had explored. Finally, we reached Edward's performance. I was stunned to see the orchestra ready their instruments as Edward walked to the conductor's podium. Edward usually wrote for piano or guitar; he had never even mentioned the idea of composing for a full orchestra. That would certainly explain why he needed so much more time to work on this piece. I felt the current of electricity that was always present when I was in a room with Edward. It was nice to know that it hadn't disappeared. The music began, and I was instantly transported to another place. A place where there was no distance, no discord, only love. It was as if the love was flowing through the instruments into the room. Suddenly, the music became quieter and darker, bringing to mind sadness and confusion. Then, it changed again, moving up the scale into happier tones, but with an undercurrent of the sadness remaining. The piece ended abruptly, bringing me out of my contemplative mood in a way that felt wrong. It almost seemed as though the composition was unfinished. I opened my program, looking for the name of Edward's piece. It was called Reverie in B. Although it was possible that the title reflected the key in which the music was played, I instantly knew that the piece was about me. "B" had been his nickname for me since we started dating. I spent the rest of the recital wondering what the music meant and why it sounded so different from everything Edward had played for me in the past.
When the final performance of the evening ended, I remained seated while the auditorium emptied and contemplated my options. Should I look for Edward in the crowd and simply hope to find him? Should I text or call him to let him know that I was there? I was so afraid of making the wrong move. Maybe it would be best to head to the library and wait to hear from Jake. What I hadn't counted on was Edward feeling our current in the room as well.
"Bella?" My head turned toward the sound of Edward's voice. He was standing on the stage and beckoned me to join him. "I thought I could feel you in the room as soon as I reached the podium, but I convinced myself that I was crazy. You look beautiful."
I slowly made my way to the front of the room and up the steps to the stage. "I wasn't sure if you'd want me here, but I had to hear what kept you so wrapped up this term. It was wonderful…" I let my voice trail off, not wanting to say that it felt as though there should be more to the piece.
"But?" he asked.
"But what?"
"Bella, please. I know when you're not saying everything you want to say. What is it?" His eyes burned into me as I considered how to tell him what I truly thought.
"Well, it just, I don't know. It doesn't sound finished to me. But what do I know? You're the composer, I'm sure it's supposed to be that way." I didn't know much about music, and I certainly didn't want to imply that he didn't know what he was doing.
He moved closer to me, and I felt the current between us intensify. "Actually, you're right. I tried what seemed like a thousand different endings, and none of them were right. So I left it raw. My composition professor said that it has amazing potential, but we'll see what the rest of the judges have to say." I remembered Edward explaining last year that a panel of his professors would grade a piece after a performance.
"You're so talented, I'm sure they'll only have constructive criticism. Anyway, I don't want to keep you. I just wanted to be here to support you tonight. It was good to see you. I'll talk to you soon?" I had no delusions that Edward would want to spend time with me after barely speaking to me for so many weeks.
"You're leaving? Are you heading back to New London? How did you get here?" His voice was concerned.
"Jake was coming up to see Leah, so I got a ride with him. I'm just going to go hang out in the library until he's ready to leave."
"Please don't leave. Can't we go someplace and talk? It's wonderful to see you." Something flashed in his eyes that made me hope that he still felt something for me, but I was so afraid that he was going to tell me we were through.
"Sure, that would be fine. Where do you want to go?"
"I'd like to take you back to my room. We can order some food if you're hungry. I don't want to be interrupted, and anywhere we go now will be full of other music students and their families."
I wasn't sure about being alone with him. I felt more confident that I would be able to keep my composure in a group of people than I would if he broke things off in private. However, I didn't really want people coming up to him to discuss his performance and dragging out our conversation. "Okay. Let's go."
"Do you want me to call in an order now? That way we won't have to wait as long for the food. I was so nervous about tonight that I've hardly eaten anything in the last couple of days."
Food was the last thing on my mind; my stomach was in knots. I didn't want him to collapse from hunger through, so I agreed. "Sure. I'm not that hungry right now, so get whatever you want."
He pulled out his phone and hit a number on speed dial. Then he grabbed my hand as if it were the most natural thing in the world and started to lead me backstage. "Come on, B. Let's go. This is the fastest way out of here." He placed an order for three chicken sandwiches, cheesy bread and two Cokes as we walked.
"EBA's? Maybe I am hungry after all." I smiled at the thought of the local restaurant that served the best chicken sandwich I'd ever had. I ate at least one every time I visited.
Edward chuckled. "I knew that if I didn't order one for you, I'd end up giving you one of mine, and I'm so hungry that I'm not willing to share. Not even with you."
The mood seemed to shift then, becoming a little less awkward than it had been. His comment reminded me of our shared history and of all the things we knew about each other. We made small talk as we strolled to Edward's dorm, catching up on our families and classes and other things we would have discussed had we communicated in our usual manner. It felt so normal to be with him, I almost forgot how strained things had been between us and how confused I was.
That all changed once we entered his room. Edward had a small single, and being in the enclosed space where we had been intimate so many times brought all of my insecurity and uncertainty rushing back. He looked a little pained as well, perching at the end of his bed when I sat in his desk chair. "B, I just want to start by saying that I know I've been a jerk. I've been so wrapped up in my music that I just couldn't deal with anything else. It wasn't fair to you; you've never done anything to deserve being treated as if you don't matter." He looked at me nervously, trying to gauge my reaction before I spoke.
"I know how important your music is to you. I would never want to interfere with your creative process, or any of your other schoolwork for that matter. What I don't understand is why it was so much different this term. Last year, you managed to make time to talk to me. We spent hours on the phone. We were thousands of miles apart, but I never felt as far away from you then as I did this spring. Even during the fall, we would talk and visit one another frequently. What changed?" My voice trembled as I tried to get my words out without crying.
"I'm not sure how to explain it. I guess everything just got more competitive within the department. There are so many amazingly talented people, and I don't always feel like I deserve to be here with them. Then my composition professor started critiquing some of my work. He said that it all sounded derivative and overly sweet, like I was trying to write a lullaby for my girlfriend. You inspire so much of what I write that it was a real slap in the face to hear those words. I felt like I needed to take step back from you and see what I could do when you weren't my main focus. Please don't misunderstand me. You've never been a distraction or a hindrance to me, but you have been the most important thing in my life since we started dating. Having you closer this year was a dream come true, I missed you so much last year, but I was afraid that if I gave in to every desire I had to talk to you or to see you, it would come across in my music. I would lose my credibility in the department and become a joke. So I had to force myself not to call or email you. I gave my car keys to the guy in the next room so that I couldn't drive down to see you every time I had the urge to do so. I threw myself into composing, but you were all I could think of every time I sat down to write. Everything got so jumbled in my head. The result is what you heard tonight. It's called Reverie inB because it's about you and how I feel about you. The beginning reflects the start of our relationship and how happy you made me. The dark middle part is symbolic of how miserable I was when I tried to stay away from you. It only got lighter again when you told me you still loved me. I know I haven't done anything to deserve your love lately or to show you how much I love you. The reason it sounds unfinished is because I don't know where we go from here. I hope you can forgive me for pushing you away. I don't know how I ever doubted my feelings for you. Seeing you again is like the sun breaking through the clouds after a storm. I'm so glad you came tonight."
I sat back, stunned into silence. While I contemplated what Edward had said, there was a knock on the door. Edward opened it to see the delivery guy with our food. Just as he set the bags down, my phone buzzed. It was a text from Jake saying that he was heading out in half an hour and would pick me up where he had left me earlier. I shook my head and rose from the chair. Edward mistook my movement to mean that I wanted to join him on the bed for dinner. "Are you hungry, B? I'll move over."
"Actually, Edward, that was Jake. He's going to pick me up in about half an hour. I should get going." Leaving was the last thing I wanted to do after Edward's revelation, but I couldn't risk losing my ride.
"B, no. I really want to know what you think about what I just told you. Please don't leave without at least giving me some idea what you're thinking and feeling right now." Edward's eyes joined his words in pleading with me not to leave.
"Edward, I really want to stay, but I can't lose my ride. I need to go. I'll call you tomorrow, and we can talk some more. It would probably be good for me to take some time to think about what you said."
"Bella, I can give you a ride back to campus. Please stay. I know this is my fault, but I can't wait until tomorrow to hear how you feel about us."
"It's getting late. You know this isn't going to be a quick conversation, and you'll be too tired to drive me home when we're done." My heart was begging me to stay, but my head was telling me it was best to go with Jake.
"Then you can stay here. I promise I'll sleep on the floor. I won't do anything to make you uncomfortable. Just please stay so that we can continue our talk."
"I don't know. It's probably not a good idea."
"Please, B, please stay. It's Friday. There aren't any classes tomorrow; we can sleep in. Or I'll get up early to drive you back if that's what you want. I'll do whatever you want if you stay. Even if you tell me that I ruined everything and you're done with me." He looked at me with such longing that I couldn't resist him.
"Okay. I'll stay. But we're going to eat before we do any more talking. I need to be fortified." My appetite had slowly returned as I realized that no matter how screwed up things were, Edward still loved me. I sent Jake a quick text thanking him for the ride and letting him know that I was staying in Hanover for the night.
When the food was gone, I stood and stretched, then told Edward I need to use the bathroom. He reminded me of where it was and offered me some clothes. "You look so amazing, B, but I want you to be comfortable for the rest of our talk. Plus, that skirt is distracting me." He smirked a little as his eyes traveled down my legs. I wasn't ready to think about our physical relationship just yet, but the thought of spending the night in his room sent a shiver through me. The pajama pants and long-sleeved t-shirt he was handing me were a good idea.
When I returned to Edward's room, I sat on the bed and readied myself for a long discussion. Over the next few hours, Edward and I talked about everything. I explained how confused I had been when he started distancing himself from me. I told him how much I had missed him and how deeply he had hurt me. He told me more about his insecurities and his fear that the only thing special about him was me. He was concerned that if he didn't have me, his ability to compose would desert him. I gently reminded him that he had been composing long before he met me and that the compositions that were included in his application to Dartmouth had all been written long before I entered his life. That seemed to ease his mind a bit. I also scolded him a bit, stating that if he had shared his feelings with me in the first place, we could have avoided this whole mess.
At about two in the morning, I could no longer keep my eyes open. I was confident that we still loved one another as much as we ever had, and we were on our way to working things out and being stronger than ever. I told Edward that anything else that needed to be said could be said in the morning and proceeded to curl up on my side, readying myself for sleep. He stood up and grabbed his pillow. As he was reaching for the extra blanket that was folded at the foot of the bed, I told him he didn't have to do that. "I don't want you to sleep on the floor. You can sleep next to me."
"Are you sure? I don't mind the floor. I'm just so happy you stayed and were willing to listen to me."
He gave me a small smile before yawning.
"I'm sure, E. I want you next to me." He climbed into bed and gazed at me. He moved suddenly, and I thought he was going to hug me, but he quickly resumed his position. "What's the matter, Edward?"
"I don't know how to act with you. I want to hold you and kiss you, but I'm not sure if I should."
I was too tired to get into another long, drawn out discussion, so I simply said, "Do what comes naturally."
His eyes lit up and he smiled as he pulled me into his arms. "You're so beautiful, Bella. I'm so lucky. I love you so much."
My heart expanded as those words crossed his lips. "I love you too, E." He kissed me gently before wrapping himself around me. As I drifted to sleep in the place where I felt safest in the world, my final thought was, "I can't wait to hear how the reverie ends."